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Sable Unlimited
Chapter 53: A Brief Discourse on the Nature of Waifus

Chapter 53: A Brief Discourse on the Nature of Waifus

Narene smiled at the hidden room, “However, all that’s just the lore of the place. What you’re really standing in is a …”

Calista cut in. “A dungeon built on an experimental mechanic they call ‘morphic’ which means the owner of the dungeon can change almost anything inside it at almost any time. We know.”

“How did you know that?” Narene asked.

“I’ve been playing this game since its release date. Oh, and before I hooked up with Blake, I was dating a developer. So, I know a lot of things.” She then looked past the little goblin at the room. Inside was a small chest sitting atop a dais. “This looks like a room with traps. Is this a room with traps, or can I just walk in?”

Narene stepped aside. “It’s very trapped, but it’s random. So I can’t tell you what it is. When Blake and I did it, it was a set of falling blades that he set off with one of the kobolds.”

Of course, he sacrificed one of the kobolds to show her the treasure room. He thinks that stuff is hilarious. He always has. Calista lowered herself down to the floor as she peered into the little room. She immediately spotted the holes in the left and right walls. Ah, poison darts. This should be easy. She reached down to her belt for her cutter. “It’s just a trip wire. This should only take a minute.”

Then a tap came on her shoulder and she turned to see Lefty holding a finger in front of his mouth. She listened and there it was, the voices of the two trolls, Smith and Smithey.

“You know what I was just thinking about?” Smith’s voice said.

“No, but I’d bet my next paycheck you’re about to tell me,” Smithey replied.

“Really?”

“No.”

“Why?”

“Because then you wouldn’t tell me and then I’d lose the bet.”

“Well, why would I do that?”

“Just shut up and tell me.”

“Sooooo … I was thinking about how everyone has a waifu.”

“A what?”

“A waifu.”

“What’s a waifu.”

“An anime girl they’re in love with. It means, like, ‘best girl’ or something.”

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There was a pause. “You know, you spend way too much time thinking about this stuff, but go on.”

“If I didn’t think about this stuff, what would we have to talk about?”

“That’s why I said go on.”

Smith let out a defensive snort, “Anyway, I was thinking about how everyone has a waifu and that all that really means is that there’s some animated girl that some creator came up with that just happens to fit your idealized version of what a woman is supposed to look like. It’s like a thing that’s especially marketed to guys who can’t get girls because we’ll pretty much do anything to be around a woman or anything that looks and talks like a woman.”

“And so if they draw a woman real good then the guys will all go to her because she’s pretty. Got it.”

“Well, it’s not just that. It has to be a personality too. I mean, back in the day there was this one anime about a family of spies and the woman was not only like this deadly ninja but she was also a totally loyal and loving wife and a bit of an airhead, which made her even kinda more cuter, you know?”

“You just said ‘more cuter’ and I don’t know what to tell you about that.”

“I’m just talking about pretty anime girls and you’re getting all hot and bothered about my grammar.”

“Who said anything about hot and …”

The words died in the thin troll’s throat as he rounded the corner and found the point of Calista's blade aimed right at his throat. Behind her, stood Lefty, his hands crackling with electricity.

Calista smiled like a predator, “Looks like you guys made a wrong turn.”

The fat troll, Smith, held up his hands in surrender. “I give up. Just tie us up and we’ll leave you alone. Promise.”

Smithy slowly raised his hands. “Agreed. We ain’t done shit and we’re not gonna do shit.”

Smith smiled at his friend, “We ain’t getting paid enough for this shit.”

Smithy chuckled, “I love that movie.”

“Yeah,” Smith’s jowls wobbled as he shook his head, “I don’t know about you guys, but if you don’t mind, just make it look like we struggled a bit so we don’t get in trouble and everyone here can just go on their wa-”

Lefty made a complicated pattern with his hands and the two trolls fell over in a heap on the ground. A moment later, a heavy snore emitted from Smith’s unconscious body.

“Well that was awkward,” Lefty said.

“Was it really, though?” Calista asked.

Lefty looked down on his two comatose victims. “I mean … we can’t really hide them now and I don’t think we can stop the big one from snoring. So yeah, awkward is the word I’m going with.”

“Right,” Calista returned to the hidden doorway. “So about that trap …” Holding the cutter in her hand, she returned to the entrance of the hidden room, lay flat on the floor, and looked for the trip wire. It took only a moment to spot the tiny thread that stretched from one wall to the other. Pulling the cutter off her belt, she snipped the thread and jerked her hand back as the poison darts flew through the air, struck the walls, and clattered to the floor.

“There,” she got up and dusted herself off, “I think that should let us through.”

Laying on the dais was a gold key with a yellow gem set in its bow. There doesn’t appear to be a pressure plate, but then again, the best pressure plates aren’t visible until it's too late. Taking a deep breath, she snatched the key and leapt out of the room just in time to avoid the slab of stone that crashed to the floor. Apparently, this was one of the good ones.

She looked up at Narene. “Why didn’t you tell me there were two traps?”

“There shouldn’t have been two traps,” Narene said as she walked over to the fat troll and began unbuckling his belt. “There are never two traps, there’s always only one. He said so when we went through the room together.” With a pull, she ripped the belt free of the fat troll’s pants and then bent over and took his dagger, inspected the blade, and stuck it into her belt. “I’m sorry I didn’t see that one coming, but apparently he’s changing things to keep you here.”

“Tell me something I don’t know.” Calista picked herself up and dusted herself off again. The room behind her was now totally obscured by the rock. Had she tried to get the key any other way, she might have died. “Well, what’s done is done, I guess.” She frowned, “Which way now?”

Narene stuffed the dagger into her belt and pointed around the corner. “Back the way we came to the library. We have to get the blue keystone before we can unlock the door to the red one. Then it’s the portal. Then it’s the inner sanctum.”

A short while later, while they were walking down the hallway, Lefty touched Calista’s arm and they slowed their pace to let Narene get ahead of them. Once the little goblin was out of earshot, Lefty leaned over and whispered to Calista. “Do you think that’s one of the keys?”

“This one is definitely special. As to the others, I still can’t be sure.”

The mage nodded, “Well, it’s better than nothing.”