‹Gin›

Sometimes, in these 24 years of my life, even I still don't believe how my life has become.

When none of us knew any better, I was sent to what was supposed to be a specialized preparatory school only for my 5 year-old self to find out that a hundred children, including me, would be experimented on for the sake of synthesizing a cure to an ongoing epidemic and watch the children drop like flies as they couldn't handle the severe effects of the samples.

Exactly a year had passed, and I alone emerged from that hell, alive, but an empty shell with nothing inside. All I could think of was the memories that keep echoing in my mind—that which having ended someone's life.

I reunited with my family, almost never recalling them. I spent my days outside of that hell in isolation. It was as if nothing changed from when I was a lab rat. I barely got any sunlight, I neither talked nor ate, and I cried every time I tried to sleep.

But as a child, I did not really comprehend what dying exactly meant, so I wasn't able to realize what sin I have done, and the only thing that made me felt repulsed about it was the extreme fear that haunted me. Not being able to understand the right and wrong in the value of life, my instinct to survive got the better of me. I started to hate the pain, started eating, and started to see a spark of the want to live.

Fast forward to a few months, and I had gotten a little better. I was still the same scrawny child, but at least it was not in the state where my cheeks were sunken and my ribs were sculpted under my skin.

I started to like and fear going outside at the same time. Beyond the darkness, there was an entirely new world that I had completely forgotten, but in that same world, I also feared when it rained wildly and I felt water under my feet. Being the child I was, I thought that the Earth was going to drown entirely.

At around the start of a new year, what I did not know was that aside from the ball of light illuminating this very planet, I would find myself a source of sunshine.

"Nice to meet you… we are the Akanami's from 276. We just moved here."

The entire Akanami family greeted our household, but as I am very repellent of other people, I only listened from the confines of my room.

"I am Shuu, and Sumi is my wife. My daughters here are Yuna and Ringo."

"My name's Amano. My wife Senna is currently out, but here are my children. Kei is the eldest, and Anna is the youngest.

Where did you all come from?"

"We're from Sector 392."

"Hmm, that's from a neighboring sector. If you don't mind, why did you move to somewhere that's relatively close?"

"That… It felt very much like… my family is not safe there."

"I see… Then I hope you will like this place. The neighborhood is very quiet, but you have to know that this place is very prone to flooding. Although if you said you live in house 276, I don't think that would be much of a problem."

For a moment, Amano looked at the youngest child of the visiting family.

"By the way… how old is Ringo?"

"She turned seven just this last November."

"So she's pretty much the same age as Gin, huh…

You see, I actually have a middle child, although Anna is just a year younger than him. He… had a hard time growing up so he's still scared of people and he doesn't grow up much physically, but I hope that Ringo will be able to play with my two youngest."

"Is that so… then we hope to see him soon."

At this point, I've only really gotten comfortable with my family and my grandparents. But I was especially attached to my grandfather. Our family had basically become friends with the Akanami's a few blocks away, and Grandpa Kinrou would often go there when he visits us. Because of that, I at least got to know the neighboring family.

It was the first time I met Ringo.

She looked like a bright yet shy girl. But am I any better if I'm literally hiding behind my grandfather as if I'm holding on to him for dear life? Because of her however, I was able to open up my shell ever so slightly.

There was also something I was very stubborn about. I would not eat anything that did not come out of our house. No matter how many times my parents told me that my grandfather's food is the best thing ever, I refused them. But somehow, our two families started having gatherings like lunches or dinners. At one time I unknowingly ate what Grandpa Kinrou made, I cried for the first time in front of anyone.

I was so taken aback that I couldn't hold my emotions anymore, and perhaps after several years, I finally smiled.

Before I even realized, I had learned that I very much loved my grandfather. He showed me a version of myself that I didn't even know existed. His food truly brought me joy.

Along with that, I also started talking a lot more. Ringo would approach me a lot more too, as apparently, she was previously a little scared of me. But because of a breakthrough, I was able to start playing with her and Sis to the point that they were able to pull me outside and we would play around in Queen Street.

Nevertheless, I was still a bit of a problematic child. When Ringo and Anna would cry, I would ask them why. I would ask the adults the same thing, and they would be put off with how apathetic I was whether they were fighting or I hurt them unknowingly. There was, I suppose, something uncanny with me and I wouldn't even question if they wondered if I was really human.

But perhaps that human side of me that they were looking for was eventually found.

On the 2nd day of April, 2010, I asked my parents as I looked at my grandfather.

"Is Grandpa sleeping?"

Needless to say, I was extremely naive despite my age.

I didn't know why, but Dad answered me with his eyes full of tears.

"I'm sorry… Gin… But he is… I'm sorry…

He is sleeping… But he will never wake up… ever…"

"What do you mean? Like… he will be sleeping for a week?"

"I am… very sorry… He's not waking up anymore… even after you grow up… We will never see your grandpa anymore…"

I looked at my grandfather whose eyes are closed a while longer, or perhaps way too long.

A memory that I wish I had completely forgotten returned to me. I saw my bloodied hands, then the crippled face of a doctor, with their eyes closed. In my mind, I asked myself while I was crying and struck with fear, "Why is this doctor sleeping?"

The doctor never woke up, and that was the last time I saw them for the rest of my stay in that hell.

That was the first time I had understood the fact of death.

For a while, I regressed to what I was before. Just as I thought that things were finally shaping up too well, it all crumbled apart. The distrust that I have now was born from that very realization.

But once more, the drive to survive welled up in me, but I came out of that dark place different. The curiosity I had was replaced by the selfishness of learning to do things on my own without the help of others. I yearned for one of the things that I lost from my grandfather, but everything had felt incredibly bland as I in turn also lost the one thing that was budding in me—hope, that is.

Growing up, I suppose it was a blessing in disguise that I slowly learned the severity of killing someone. While I may have become very cynical, Ringo was always there to, in my own words, prolong my meaningless life. Even when I reverted back to how I was, she did not feel scared of me this time. She, along with her and my family tried to cheer me up when there is a glare in my eyes… which has turned to my normal look regardless of how I feel. But in time, they got used to it.

Because of them, I never considered ending my own life.

▪ ▪ ▪

2014.

"Aunt Senna~ can we borrow some soy sauce?

Ah, Gin! I heard you're going to go to high school? Is that true?"

Coming to each other's households had become an everyday occurrence for our families at this point, as over the years, the relationship of the Sakato's and the Akanami's have gotten closer.

Because of Martin Arlo or Mato as I call him, who I had only found that he was a teacher. For all my life, I was thought under the roof of our home where I would be tutored. One of them was Mato, who seems to have taken interest on how I retain information through visual imagery quite well, calling me a visual learner. Knowing that, he finally found the most optimal way to teach me, as he himself is an art teacher.

"Mhm. Y-Yeah… Apparently, a friend of our family is a teacher from the school I'm going to."

"Ehhh? Where is it?"

"It's just Blue Ink nearby…"

"Wait, we're going to the same school?!"

"Huh…"

"I'm glad we'll be in the same school. I already know for a fact that you will be lonely and not used to your surroundings since you'll pretty much be entering a new world."

"Sure, sure…"

"Really… you should have asked me beforehand what kind of place a school is! For that, I'm going to be your senpai that can help you with your troubles."

"'Senpai…?' What kinda word is that."

"It's Japanese. I picked it up from the anime I watch on the TV. I remember we have disks of anime at home, so let's try watching them together. There's also an ongoing anime that started last year which I'm watching.

It's kind of bloody, though… You see people get eaten by naked giants…"

"What the hell are you even watching… How did your parents allow you to watch those?

But I guess I'll give it a shot just to humor you."

"I'm sure you'll be interested~"

Well, I was completely hooked. Those so-called "Japanese cartoons" somehow captured my interest and in the remaining months before Ringo and I went into our first year of high school, I learned about the culture, lingo, and references, outside the circumstances where I refused to show her the reactions I get when I'm reminded of my sin.

Now that I think about it, it took me and my childhood friend five years to talk about something we were mutually interested in. Because of anime and manga, I was able to talk to her much more, initiate conversations when I never used to, and have a laugh with her.

But even for Ringo, high school is an entirely new environment for her. For the first few months, we've only gotten acquainted to everyone in Class 1A, and we basically talked to each other most of the time. It was partly my fault that Ringo had turned introverted because of the way I always act and the impression she got from me, including how I influenced her to be more of an indoor type of kid.

We would however befriend Nagi as we accidentally found out that he was closet fan of the same hobby Ringo and I had. In later times, we would grow to a group of five people in our circle as Jean and Akira later joined us.

The highlight of my first year was when I learned about art. Mato had hinted about it, but I first found its beauty when saw Martin Aston from the Art Club draw for the first time. Because of a new interest budding in me, I pulled Ringo in to the club with me and there she found her affinity with using watercolors. But with how much the two of us talked about the club, the other three had later joined us, and we became the five remaining active members when the upperclassmen graduated.

With time passing, the Art Club had significantly become our haven as we would later realize how bad the condition of our class that was only barely being held together by Akaji Mashido.

The narrative has been stolen; if detected on Amazon, report the infringement.

In our second year, a new principal was appointed as an acting officer was only in the position in our first year due to the passing of the former head of the school. The new principal, Taketo Juushiro, did not show his face for quite a while, but who knew that I would find out in my fourth year in this school that he would be Akira's father.

It was a shame that there wasn't much of a change on class rosters, which made our A class an infamous class for being an unruly bunch that has made a teacher quit because of us.

Come our fourth and last year in junior high school, the school year was delayed to August due to some issue involving lethal levels of sound that had killed staff of the school. But because of advancement in technology, we were able to return to school safely and protected in the event that the incident happens again.

Regardless of that, nothing has changed in our class and so we held on in our high school days with the tranquility of the club, and it was truly a defining moment when in the first day of my fourth year in Blue Ink, I saw my graphite piece hanged on the wall of the Art Room. More than anyone, I celebrated this achievement with Ringo.

Ever since we entered high school, I became conscious of the friendship I've had with Ringo which continued to deepen as the years go by, where to the point that I truly learned to value my connection with her.

It took her a while to find a female friend that she could truly bond with, which was Shiro that later joined us in the club. The times that I watched Ringo with her was the moment I realized how feminine Ringo can be, which I never really thought about in the past.

…

"Hey… you've been staring at them for a while now."

I snapped back to reality as I heard Nagi's voice.

"H-Huh… Was I?"

"Yeah, you absolutely were. It's a miracle that Shiro and Ringo hadn't noticed you.

Anyway… I've been with you guys for four years now, but you sure are close with Ringo, huh."

"I guess… since we've known each other since we were kids."

"You live near each other, right? How come we've never gone to your place despite you living really near the school."

I dodged the question as it would be inappropriate to say that I didn't want them to visit because it would be a pain.

"But yeah, you two really are inseparable. Are you going to be sad that Ringo found a very close friend?"

"Why would I be? It's nice that there's a girl she can hang out with."

"She won't be able to spend more time with you with Shiro here now, y'know. You really look the most enthusiastic when you're with her."

"No way. Did I really look like that?"

"You have to look at yourself better, bud. You make expressions that you wouldn't normally show us, and we already know that your default setting is glaring but it goes away when Ringo is in front of you. Besides, you smile so much more with her, like you feel more alive.

When we look at how close the two of you are, we question whether you guys are in a relationship or not."

"We're not, though?"

"Right, right. If you say so…

I'm just saying this because the two of you honestly look great together, but how would you feel if you find out she's in a relationship with some guy?"

Strangely enough, I felt a little irritated hearing that.

"Don't answer that, Gin. I was just mumbling on my own."

Nagi's question had stuck with me for a while.

I began to reassess what exactly my relationship with Ringo is. I knew to myself that she is a very good friend, and I would go out on a limb to say that she is my best friend.

With the way I pretty much grew up as an object more than a human, I have never really considered what is beyond that. I just shrugged what it was to be married, and I couldn't even understand why my parents were so interested when Kei announced that he got a girlfriend.

Nonetheless, that question kept bugging me. Everyday I kept thinking about whether I'm content with what I have now, and soon realized that I'm on an extremely equal game of tug of war between being interested and not. I considered how I see Ringo with me, but I also couldn't be bothered to think about being in a relationship if I can't even see me valuing myself.

But just when I thought I was about to reach a conclusion towards this problem that Nagi brought upon me…

Everything went tumbling down.

The Queen Street felt like it was trapped in time. Everything seemed to look like they are in slow motion. But when I slowly came to my senses, I felt the droplets of rain over my body who had took the impact of a truck and taking an incredibly bad fall. I could see blood mixing with the rain. I couldn't feel anything but pain. In my vision that is slowly getting blurry, I could see my limbs deformed.

I'm dead.

But I did not. My consciousness continued to fade, but I somehow stayed awake. I had no recollection of what was going on, but for some reason, I could only think of what the answer I was looking for with regards to the question that Nagi raised deliriously.

"I definitely wouldn't like that," were the words I would have uttered if I could speak.

I thought it was just the survival instincts that was keeping me alive, but it wasn't.

For the first time in my life, I expressed to myself a kindle that embodies my desire to live. I wanted to live, I thought to myself, so that I could see her again.

…

I woke up in a hospital room where two men explained what had happened to me. All the while learning about the existence of Exiles, they gave me a choice where I could return to my family "in a few days' time" if I am willing to wait for two years to heal my injuries.

I entered a strange room out of desperation as I wanted to see Ringo again and find clarity to the answer I sought for. In that room, time flowed differently and the gravity increased, and as I spent my time in solitude, I started seeing visions that I would later learn to be the memories I sealed away from when I was a Medical Child, suddenly taking the foreground as this white room had rid me of unnecessary thoughts.

Over many months, I suffered from cruel headaches together with the heavy gravity. A scream would leave me every time I vividly see a memory I would rather wanted gone, but however I wished it would stop, there was nothing I could do.

Eventually, I lost my mind. To end this misery, a dangerous thought had finally visited me.

With a knife, I slashed my body until I dropped on the floor, but I soon found myself waking up on the same room, alive, but the place had gone entirely black. After my body stung and my head continued to throb. Nothing had stopped the flow of my memories, but I found a revelation.

While I bore the code number 027 among the Medical Children, I stumbled upon files where I found the name Ringo Akanami as Code 019.

However, I never saw her face, and I have memorized the name of the 99 children I was with.

(!)

"99? Were there really 99 children that were with me…?"

I started enumerating the names of the children once more and by my count, there were only 98. I repeated the same thing and wrote the names again and again on the walls and the floor of the room. I had done it so much that I was completely lost in thought. But soon after I came to my senses, I saw myself writing the same three letters over and over again.

RIN

"Rin… Ringo…"

Even as I saw my memories, I did not know what came to me that I kept uttering "Rin" when I was a child upon seeing Ringo's name. But now realizing its sheer importance, those three letters never remained to become just as that.

"Rin, huh… I wonder how she would feel if I give her that nickname."

I resolved myself to return to the outside world now bearing this information, and attempting to set things clear.

In the process, I spent those two years trying my hardest to survive. I've learned many things about myself, learned new skills, and somehow got a strong body after my injuries, especially my fractures, have completely healed. And from then on, I started bearing a large scar that I would most likely have for my lifetime.

I emerged from that room as if I was a feather. The sheer contrast of a hundred times the gravity compared to Earth's was staggering.

When I returned and immediately saw Ringo, I couldn't move. My memories of my childhood with her surfaced and saw how much she put up and became patient with me. All this time, I realized that she could have just distanced myself from me, but she stayed with me as a friend despite what I am.

The two years I spent in isolation had resolved me to pay back her kindness and be proactive… but that was all there is to it.

Beyond the realization of my true feelings for Ringo, I couldn't do anything. I felt very undeserving of her, and I bear too many secrets that I can't simply divulge as I didn't want to hurt anyone.

But in an unbelievable twist of events, I moved in alone to the house right next to Ringo's not long after I returned, and even got a cat I named Haku who became a very close companion to me. I could not exactly trust the reality that was in front of me. For once, something good has happened to me, and I worried that something opposite would be inbound.

While staying vigilant, Hiro and Sean, who were the ones that treated my injuries, offered me a job at their restaurant and they eventually became my bosses. From that, I learned that the leader of the Exiles was the principal all along and played the part with reconciling him with his own son.

But the world is unfair and unjust. At any moment, a life could be taken away, and it happened that Marcus Rodriguez, a classmate had murdered Akaji Mashido for such a petty reason. Due to that, I once again came to terms that I had murdered someone, but in hopes that I could bring some closure to the nightmare that still haunts me even after 12 years, I confronted the man behind all of my misery—Rishou Kagetora.

…

"Ahh, I loooost again…

Aren't you amazing now, Gin?"

"Well, of course. I've been grinding on this game for a while now."

There were moments where I would see myself playing a game with Ringo in my house, and it was one of those days. Somehow, winter fell onto this country and we started enjoying the coldness that Orio had always wished for.

"No, I'm not talking about the game."

"…?"

"You were gone for a few days some months ago and you came back as if you're a completely different person. You express and smile a lot more. There's also an air around you that felt like you were gone for a long time.

You suddenly grew so tall and became athletic, you get to live in this house, and you even got a nice job at Giotto's when you're just this young.

Well, I'm not really sure if we're legally allowed to work at our age beyond part-time, but still! You suddenly can make good food!"

"I'm already 18, though."

"As if you're any different? I've always eaten your food all these years, and they were really good, you know.

Besides, I'm still not as good as Grandpa Kinrou."

Hearing the mention of my grandfather's name, Ringo's head suddenly dropped on my lap.

"M-Ma'am, get off please…"

"No."

"Wha… Come one now, let's play another round."

"No."

"What's got you so stubborn suddenly…"

"I really ought to visit you more."

"What is this now?"

"With such a house this big with only you and Haku, I guess it can get lonely here."

"Not really… I could just go to our other house or something."

"Still, you spend most of your time here alone. I can't imagine what it feels like to come home from school or work with no one to welcome you. At least… I think… I think I can free you from that loneliness even if just by a little bit…"

I could not see her face as she was looking away, but what I was able to see was the sudden redness on her ears.

I found myself on a tug of war once again.

At that very moment, I just wanted to drop everything and tell her how I feel, but on the other hand, doing so could ultimately hurt her really badly, and it might just bring an end to what we have now because of my recklessness. Besides, I am still suspecting that something is afoul after seeing Ringo's name in documents where she shouldn't have been at.

A part of me hated myself for choosing the latter, but along with that, I brought in a compromise.

"Hahh… You can have this spare key."

The tickle on her cheek from the dangling key has finally made her look at me, and with sparkling eyes at that.

"Really?!"

Suddenly, her energy skyrocketed.

"Yeah…"

She immediately snatched the key from my hand, but unexpectedly, she wrapped her arms on me as she remained lying down burying her face on my stomach.

"H-Hey…!"

It was most fortunate that she couldn't see the redness welling up from the warmth of my face.

"I could go anytime I want?" muffled, she asked.

"Just don't be an idiot that comes here in the middle of the night, and make sure you lock the door.

I'm just here anyway unless I'm at work, so you're free to just go all you want…"

Finally, she let go of me and got up… only to embrace me once more and tightly, without any signs of letting me go.

I suddenly felt incredibly conflicted.

I couldn't get out of my head the split second I saw her face before she wrapped her arms anew.

Ringo's face felt like it was painted with a smile of both excitement and relief.

"Uh, Ringo…"

"I'll cherish this."

"So much for cherishing a key…"

"I will cherish this," she repeated.

"Sure… but could you let go?"

"No."

"…"

My heart has already been racing for a while, but as I calmed down, I learned that I felt a heart that isn't mine, beating wildly but was overshadowed by mine.

"It's warm… isn't it?" she suddenly asked, softly, as I feel the warmth from her arms, her bosom, and her face.

I thought to myself… I can be allowed with just this, right?

"Yeah… It's really warm," I gave in as my still contained emotions began to well up and returned her embrace just as much as she did.

I couldn't even tell how long we were like that. But once she finally released me, she gave me a smile as bright as the sun.

"Should we play some more rounds?"

"Yeah…"

In all the games that followed, I lost every one of them.

~ ~ ~

In the following days, weeks, and months, I've gotten very used to a new scene in my home. It all started when I came home with Ringo welcoming me back, and from there it has been an almost everyday thing to see her stop by my house for whatever reason. We would cook for each other, eat our meals together, and chat idly while we wash our dishes, just to name a few things we've started doing together.

But on that day I gave her a spare key, I always kept wondering. I was aware of how close we have gotten as we have naturally known each other for many years. But never have we done anything as intimate as that.

Following that, I would catch her giving me a way different smile. We would exchange looks and she would do it out of nowhere. I've gotten very comfortable of her company, and it felt like it was the same for her as this intimacy had become normal between us.

As the normal days get brighter and brighter for me, I started to wonder whether Ringo had come to like me the same way I loved her.

~ ~ ~

My thoughts about my unclear relationship with Ringo had however taken a sideline as I found out that one of the Exiles was found dead. I have never told anyone about my involvement with them as I respect the safety that they, or we wanted maintained as I have eventually become one of them. And I just couldn't look away as one of the people from the group that saved my life was killed and was publicized as an Exile.

Then, Senator Joseph Horach began persecuting us in public, but then we learned that his true color was a murderer that kills for his enjoyment.

As we planned intensively, my father suddenly appeared to have known of the Exiles and told me about such a valuable person in my life that I have never met—my uncle, Eijiro Kurogane. Even after his death, it felt like he was still supporting me and encouraged me to do what I feel is right.

With intensive planning to keep our safety and identities mostly hidden, we managed to lure out Horach with some provocation, and successfully put a stop on him.

Somehow, I was able to graduate from junior high school in one piece. Due to the renovations in Giotto's, my bosses invited me to join them in the opening of branch in Kyoto, Japan. Thus, I stayed there for a month, and while I was enjoying a short time of peace, I dearly missed Ringo at those times that I couldn't see here.

But as if one major incident wasn't enough, once I entered the Visual and Culinary Arts department in my senior high school, I encountered an assassin named Teardrop that was revealed to be the one behind the Sound Incident in Blue Ink, and it turned out that more than just being a classmate, he was the son of Horach who hated his father to death.

Even after those, so much things still continued to happen. I learned about the concept of Coincidental Existences from G who I befriended in the VA department. With him, I also found my link to him where we could share memories, and I also discovered that I was the same as him in a sense that I could see the memories of Eijiro as I was born before he died.

I also went to my first school trip, which ended horribly wrong. I couldn't conceal myself upon seeing Ringo almost get hit by a truck. While on my arms was Ringo, unconscious, my blood boiled in rage, but I calmed myself down and felt a huge amount of relief as I was reassured of her safety.

Perhaps the feelings that I had kept hidden have leaked because of that. While I have never said anything about it, it felt like Ringo had taken a hint of my affection for her… or maybe at that time she became certain that I loved her.

Our lives returned to normal… or so I thought. On the outside, it felt as though nothing has changed between us, but something changed with Ringo. She would be embarrassed at times, and then she would smile at me more intimately than anything.

I thought that our closeness would reach a ceiling, but we got even closer than before that our physical distance would have been almost none at that point.

From there until our graduation from high school, I bore the thought where I have almost ascertained that our feelings were mutual, and that she was also aware of that mutuality that we have.

More than friends, but less than lovers…

And yet… I still couldn't make myself take a step forward while this heavy feeling of guilt, weakness, indecisiveness, cowardice, and the secrets that I still couldn't let out ate away at my very being.