‹Ginji›

I suppose things are going quite smoothly on my end, but of course, some things never go according to your plans.

You see, it's not actually that simple to just up and graduate early. Through Gin, I managed to meet up and talk with Kobana Azuki, an instructor in CCI, who is an academic monster himself. From what I heard, he had to take a leave of absence from college to take care of their son, and then he basically speedran college to provide for Rena and their child.

We got acquainted with each other ever since I transferred to IIAT, and from there I received advice from him. In Orio apparently, the law allows filing for graduation in advance if one meets very specific requirements. I absolutely hate that I am the top of our grade, but I had to maintain a consistently high weighted average, take special exams on the units I want to skip through, and have little to zero disciplinary reprimands.

Well, I had one in which I had a fight with IIAT's headmaster because I didn't want any academic distinctions.

But you know what, I owe Blue Ink a lot in my stay in this school. In contrast to my previous course in CSU, the program I went to currently is somehow heavily related to what I learned in the VA course. As it stands, Blue Ink is like an unofficial prep school for IIAT, and it helped me so much in trying to advance, and then basically some of the subjects I took in CSU have been credited, especially the minor ones.

I have to say, though, IIAT is lighter on the workload, but they have a very good implementation of their own systems. Most weekdays have 3-6 hours of lectures per day. And since it's not everyday that different years have simultaneous schedules, I can attend other subjects from higher grades. I'm basically an irregular student—but in a way that I take advanced subjects instead of back subjects.

By this time, I've already got some gauge on myself in which for better or worse, I have min-maxed myself in art, and I'm probably below average on anything else. Well, WT in Stylo Studios gave me an experience on how a business works, but still, I am basically dumb.

But even with all the hard work, of course some things just get in your way, which is why I couldn't graduate on my third year. I will still have to go through a very few months of my fourth year, and then I'm officially out with a diploma.

And no, Gin's incident had nothing to do with it. Once I got patched up and got a lot of rest, I immediately went back to school with aching muscles, a bit of a limp, and bandaged wounds that still hurt.

Well, at this point, I'm basically fine now but it was such a sight to see when even the deranged and ultra negative Kai Tokino was in shock upon seeing me.

And yes, even with his shitty personality, I still hang out with him. Excuse the language; I just can't understate how bad it is. It's not that he is a hated person, he just had a really bad personality but his overall behavior is actually neutral. I've said it before, but he has an incredibly bad case of the amount of mental distortions he had went through, from what I have pieced before. I basically know nothing about his past, but all I know is that in his entire life, he had always drawn the short end of the stick. That was basically the root of why he has an extremely negative view of the world and himself.

I really hate to admit it, but sometimes even I wonder how he's still alive. I get moments when talking to him where I think he is beyond saving, aside from his attachment to art. And if I'm being honest, me graduating from IIAT may just be the last time I'll see him.

No one knows what the future holds… but there might be something that is even more dangerous and deadlier than BEF-1.

A little over a few days after I was done assisting Gin along with Kuroko and Dr. Nishina, I received an email that I thought of spam at a glance, but it was apparently from the doctor that had diagnosed me of my disorder back then. He said he found something about my very old inquiry, which even surprised me as it was an extremely specific topic.

It seems that my concern gave him a lot of interest, so I accepted his invitation to talk about it.

▪ ▪ ▪

Somewhere in February.

"Oh my goodness, did something happen to you recently, Mr. Satoshi?"

"This… despite how I look, it was nothing serious. Please don't worry about it, Dr. Katu."

Simon Katu was the name of the psychiatrist that had helped me in the past. Because of his connections with other doctors in that field, he was able to get some data about my inquiry, and he even went as far as research about it in other countries when he attends conferences. It did appear from his email that he had acquired special information, and wanted to discuss with me. I questioned if I really should be knowing about it, and he gave me assurance that it was fine and he was given the approval to disclose his ongoing research.

Despite the severity of the discussion, I somehow found myself in an out-of-the-way milk tea cafe and lo and behold, it was only the two of us on the second floor of the shop.

"Regular milk tea, please. Ah, no tapioca and only 10% sugar too."

If that's any indication, I'm not really a fan of it. Like, I can't understand how in the world people can drink them. I've only ever drank them when I wasn't the one paying, and my goodness gracious, it always felt like I'm drinking sugar essence, and this still quite young doctor is not any different from my other friends.

But at least, the ones in this cafe is quite good. That, I'll admit.

"So… I don't really want to bore you with the technical stuff…" Dr. Katu started as he rummaged through his bag full of folders and pulled out a tablet. "I prepared some things that should make be easy to understand.

I've summarized some of the findings I got when I was going to other countries, and there's some things that stood out to me…"

After swiping around on the large screen, he then handed out the tablet to me with a document file opened that at first glanced contained scans of old records that could probably date back to hundreds of years.

"Can you please go to page 5 on the third paragraph?"

"Damn, this is a long file…"

Perhaps to my convenience, a part of the document was highlighted for me to easily find, but my eyes slightly widened upon seeing the word "death" within the text.

"I got almost an identical information from when I was traveling in South America and the Scandinavian region of Europe. There are very few records, so they are difficult to find but they seem to be related to each other.

To put things simply, these were times even in the common era when mental illnesses have not yet been really studied that much, so there are still inclinations that they were of supernatural origins—which have been already proven otherwise in our time. Several patients across spans of years showed signs of depression, anxiety, and other disorders that we now have identified, but not at that time.

Where it boils down is on the patients' point of death. Some instances, they were being observed directly as they passed away while other have been watched discreetly. As you can see from those reports, their causes of death were ultimately unknown—no irregularities in their bodies, no organ failures, no signs of cardiac arrest, and so on.

What concerned me is that, to some extent, it matched your description of what you called cognitive distortion. The patients were still inherently them, but they were acting very differently and their reactions were extreme. There are no solid conclusions, but it seems to really be involved with the unconscious. Some people now would only classify it as insanity, or maybe even bipolar disorder, but the way I see it now, it appears that the end result of distortion is hyperactivity within the brain in such a way that it heightens one's emotions and brain processes drastically.

Too much instances of that kind of hyperactivity theoretically causes a person to age faster than normal… and lowers their life expectancy."

"S-So… you're saying is that, I should be more careful not to get into any situations where it gets triggered."

"Please be reminded that these are my hypotheses only, but I would still advice you to be careful. Anyway, excessive hyperactivity is the one where we should be worried about. If it happens in a very infrequent rate like yours, Mr. Satoshi, then it should not be a problem.

However, the most crucial part here goes back to those records. It was said that causes of their deaths were unknown, and that primary observations states that they simply passed out in the middle of hyperactivity and died."

"Wait, like, they just… died?"

"But it was not like the cause is exactly unknown. The common denominator between the patients is that they have extremely low attachment to life.

I think what would closely resemble it is with—excuse the jargon—a psychogenic death."

At that moment, it felt that I just fell to a daze, ignoring the several calls from the doctor until I snapped back.

"I-I'm sorry… I think I drifted for a second.

Can I tell you my interpretations of this, doc?"

"I would like to hear it."

"Please excuse me since this is probably not going to be scientific, but the way I see it, it looks like when a person with very low regard with their own life triggers distortion or hyperactivity, it overloads the brain until the body all together just stops, like it was switched off. The next bits that I want to say now will not have any kind of basis, and really, I'm talking out of my feelings, but… as though someone has completely ran out of any desire to live, the distortions acts as a catalyst to actually make it happen and essentially kills them… like self-destructing?"

"That's an interesting perspective on it, although I admit it's very subjective.

Let's end it here for now, Mr. Satoshi. It's nice meeting you again, but I'd rather you take a rest with your injuries than prolong our discussion."

"I appreciate your concern."

With our meeting drawing its end, we shook our hands and went on our own ways… but before I could even return home, I rushed over to Sector CX.

As I recalled, Dr. Nishina is currently holding on to the only remaining data of the latest Medical Children Program, which I borrowed from him and perused its contents from Code 001 to 100. It was impossible to read through them in one sitting, so I returned to read through them for more than a week.

You might be reading a stolen copy. Visit Royal Road for the authentic version.

And as I suspected, there were at least six of the children that died from unknown causes. There were no reactions from the drugs used on them, and all that was gathered were heightened brain activity and increased heart rate. What's surprising with what I found was that distortion could occur in different ways. One could show erratic signs—to which we are very familiar with, while there can be a case where the child is just acting normally amidst hyperactivity, and suddenly their vitals dropped.

Ultimately, the information that Dr. Katu shared with me matched those of the Medical Children Program.

I have decided not to tell Gin about it in the meantime while Ringo was still recuperating, and that I would only discussed it with him once everything has been resolved on his end.

For the time being, I kept all those thoughts at the back of my mind, and continued on with my own goals in mind.

▪ ▪ ▪

"Goodness… it's really getting hot, huh…

I wish this school year would just end already."

"Oh, come on, Ginji. Today's literally the last day. Hahaha."

"Too bad you're not out of this place yet in the next few months."

"Shut up, Kai."

It is indeed the last day for the academic year. But it was just an idle day, although some of the friends I have in IIAT are already saying farewells as if I'm never going to meet them again when I still have a few months left here to clean up.

And I'd be an awful friend if I don't even meet with them when I graduate earlier than them.

While we were waiting for the day's final instructor, a topic suddenly came up within our group.

"By the way… I never really asked, but even if it's hot you still wear long sleeves, huh, Kai."

"Mind your own business. I just prefer it this way," he said with his usually dismissive tone, but then he proceeded to pull down his sleeves further.

"Well, that's your response as always, so no big deal. Should we celebrate somewhere after class?"

"Ooohh, let's go have Korean BBQ."

"Sounds good. You up, Ginji?"

"Sorry, I'll pass. I have some errands to take care of. Let's schedule something this month though."

"Alright, we got you!"

And just like that, the academic year has ended.

Knowing Kai, he is never one to go on any form of gatherings unless required, so I went home with him. My friends and classmates have long given up, but it was not that he is dissociative. That being said, he is also not sociable.

It's only in complete silence that I am really able to feel someone's heartbeat, and it made me know that whichever people Kai talks to, including me, his heart rate would jump. Yet the irregular thing is that he does not show any panic, and he wears his stoic demeanor as though something is not happening.

"Why are you going my way?"

"I told you guys I have an errand. Let me go with you since I'll be going the same way."

"…"

After that brief stop, he just proceeded to walk at his usually fast pace while glancing at the incoming clouds from time to time.

Thunders roar, and a sudden downpour fell down upon us. To my carelessness thinking that it is not yet April, I did not bring an umbrella with me, although I did realize that it was unusually hot, I should have known that this kind of pattern usually leads to a sudden change in weather.

"Ah, dammit…"

Because of that, we were caught in the rain for a little while as we ran looking for shelter. Then all of a sudden, I heard a really heavy sigh that was bordering a growl.

"My place is near where we are. Once the rain lets up a bit, we run for it."

"Thanks, and sorry for the trouble."

As if I didn't actually know it was going to rain today. I didn't have any errands to take care of that needed me to pass by the sector where Kai lives. I have pretty much calculated this situation, for I have one purpose and it is to confirm something.

With the rain reduced to a light shower, I sprinted on Kai's tail knowing full well that I could outrun him, but I did not as I don't know the area. He said that his place was not far from where we took shelter, and indeed it was just somewhere around a 200-meter run until we arrived at a small apartment house.

Upon entrance to the house and throwing a towel on me, he let me sit wherever. He rushed to his bathroom and all, but I couldn't help hut rewind the sight of him giving me a very intense glare on his way.

From where I sat, I could not help but observe the small living space. There was no television, the coffee table is building up dust, and one of the windows is shattered.

Aside from the unfinished canvas paintings hanged on the wall, his house is strangely empty.

Ten minutes later, I heard the bathroom door open and immediately closed with a loud bang.

"Use my dryer for your clothes. It'll be done by the time you're finished in the shower."

"Thanks a bunch."

The laundry machine loudly whirred coupled with the patters of the warm water coming from the shower. As I dumbfoundingly stood still under the water, my heart raced and my whole body tensed up, and only one thought revolved in my mind.

"I should tread carefully."

There was something that I needed to know in this visit I planned, and it seems that I could be right in my suspicions. The moment Kai stepped out of the bathroom earlier, I immediately knew why he gave me a death glare.

His arms and legs were almost more scar than skin. Multiple claw marks are visible from his forearm, and thighs down to his ankle. Just like that, I finally understood why he has never worn any short sleeves at any occasion.

"But why show me…?"

In no time, my clothes came out warm as I stepped out of the shower, just as Kai said. While I wanted to ask where he got that powerful laundry machine, this was never the right time.

"Sit down," I heard, immediately after I left the bathroom.

The rain has started to pick up once again, and the sound of it was heavily amplified by the insufficient sound insulation of the roof.

Thus I sat opposite to Kai, who felt like he was waiting for me.

"Remember what I told you long ago?

Our vilest, evilest, and most disgusting enemy is ourselves."

"I… did not expect you to speak up now of all times," I tried my utmost to speak with a tone that would not offend him even if by a little bit.

His eyes rolled and he smiled, "I figured I'd aimlessly ramble about my bullshit to someone at least once."

"Oh, if you think that I wouldn't listen to that bullshit of yours, I would, and genuinely at that.

We humans hold on to something important no matter good or flawed they are. An object, pride, belief, or even collective feelings that built up for years welled up inside us."

"Don't you have an errand?"

"I'll take care of it later. You started it, so I want to hear its end."

Suddenly, he began feeling very restless. He started fidgeting on his toes, and he held to his arms full of scars, as though his nails are itching to be carved on the skin.

But I felt a chill on my spine once he took a deep breath, and an emotionless face emerged in contrast to his usually intimidating gaze.

"If there could be an embodiment of failure, that could just be me.

I grew up with nothing good ever happening to me. It's not that I was abused. If anything, my parents are neutral towards me, but even then, I'm met with a series of fuck-ups after fuck-ups after fuck-ups. Even so, no one really discouraged me about it. No, that's not it. Literally no one ever talked to me about them as if I don't exist.

So you're probably asking: Why am I like this?"

With those words, I think I can now understand why he chose to tell me all of this of all people. Perhaps we can call it intuition—but it is that intuition of his that led him to me—a person who he feels would see the world he lives in that none other could.

"It's because of the voices in our head that brings us down and keeps us awake at night. Once whispers, became screams. I know; because if I don't, I would still be in CSU right now wasting away at Ryhan."

"Yeah! Yeah… Yeah… That's it… You got that right… Full marks… A hundred percent… Perfect… Flawless…

…

My complete opposite. Even if no one judges you, there is someone so ready to rebuke you and insult you once you look in the mirror. No matter how small a mistake, it will shout at you. Even normal actions that has nothing wrong… it will scream at your ears even if you told it to stop.

Yeah, sure, you learn to try and fight against it. It's just every single time I get absolutely battered by it to the point that I just didn't give a damn anymore. How did I end up being? A massive burden. No one is telling me if I really am. No one is discouraging me even if I am. Man, I wish I could tell myself otherwise, but in the end, there's nobody better than me in digging myself a grave.

So I left our house. Greatest decision I've ever made! No one is going to fuel my anxiety of being watched, being judged. There's no presence around me that brings me a feeling of being in danger.

Buuuuuuut here comes the twist~

I have a shadow. I have a reflection. When I thought that I'm somehow finally getting better, I regressed, then it's a cycle! I regressed… and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed, and regressed.

Now… look at me, Ginji! This is my person! Someone's whose direction in art was accidentally found from an image created by my own blood through my nails! Beautiful… isn't it?

I AM LIVING THE BEST LIFE THAT I COULD HAVE WHILE USING MY OWN LIFE TO CREATE BEAUTIFUL WORKS OF ART AS I WAIT FOR MY TURN IN THE END…!!

Right… Right? Ahh… Ginji… the world is beautiful, don't you think…?"

I was petrified.

It took me my utmost to muster up the resolve to even move a muscle. Sluggishly, I was able to stand up and slowly walked towards his kitchen to grab a glass of water without asking the house owner. As if drowning myself in that glass, the water was gone in no time.

"You bet it is, dude. The world is really pretty. It absolutely sucks that with the smallest mistake, our cruelest critic will be our selves. We wish the voices would just stop ridiculing us. We wish that it would not keep us awake until the sun is up.

…

It feels like there's always something heavy on your back, right? Well, figuratively, but anyway… do you want a back massage?"

As expected, I did not get a response. Nonetheless, I slowly approached him towards his back, and slammed my hand on Kai's shoulders with my thumbs pressing on his upper back.

"I wish this could lighten up the weight that you have in you… but after all, I realize that I am in no ability to help you. I'm sorry.

For now… I hope this would let have a nice rest."

"…"

From my frequent visits in the Exiles' underground base, I was taught by Makoto and the others a way to relieve one's body of physical burden to the point where they would pass out. I was reluctant on having it done to me, but with the thought of confronting Gin in the worst-case scenario, I had to do it, and I was out cold for a few hours. But by the time I woke up, nothing in my body was feeling pain. My body felt so light I could hardly believe I'm still alive. It also felt like the flow of my blood is smooth and nothing was constrained.

Because of that, I was able to be on the front lines, pacifying a monster way worse than the man in front of me, who has now fallen unconscious. I let out a sigh knowing that he still has pulse, and nothing has happened indeed. Even if I was basing things from mere theories, a memory—not mine—resurfaced with a child looking at his own hands, realizing the sin that he has done.

Everything has suddenly become peaceful and silent with the hail-like sound drumming on the roof gone.

The rain had long stopped.

▪ ▪ ▪

Some days after potentially dodging a bullet, I found myself in a very familiar large gray room after so many months.

"I'm suddenly summoned here… I guess you're back now? Wait, where have you been all this time, Kuro?"

A black silhouette of a man sat in the middle of the room, in this cognitive space where a personification of Gin's psyche resides within his mind.

Hard to explain. Since my last distortion I just… disappeared? It felt like I was split to a bunch of black dots and I couldn't put myself back. But all is well since I got back a form in this cognitive realm when Rin got her strength back.

And yes, I just got back from my trip. I really needed a family trip, and I didn't expect that the Akanami's would join us.

"Good for you, now that you're feeling great and all."

You told me that you have some information for me, right?

"Yeah. This might take a while so bear with me."

…

"…Basically, you have to be very careful, Gin."

Nothing is proven yet… but it's better to be safe. Who knew I could have died that night from an entirely different reason.

But as for your classmate Kai…

"There's nothing we really can help him with, isn't there?"

It's a difficult situation for him. I don't want to say it, but… I think he has given up. It is good that he hasn't had any tendencies to end it all, but with no one in his past that actually held out a hand to him, it might be too late, considering the theory you told me.

Somehow, it makes us appear like we are fortunate because we have families… we have Rin and Yui.

Do you still plan to associate with him?

"I'm not sure… I only have a few months to iron things out in IIAT, and even then, I would be off-campus most of the time.

As much as I want to help him, I feel like I will definitely get caught in the crossfire."

You've probably gotten this figured out by this time already, G, but what Kai was talking about voices in his head, it's like me—this form you're looking at.

"Yeah, that's what I thought too."

Even if I am bound in this mind, I still preserve some independence. That independence is probably what's causing Kai to feel that extreme repulsion. What he perhaps is missing is…

"Harmony, I'd guess?"

Man, you actually guessed what I was thinking.

"I only need to observe you and your outer self to know. Our innermost self usually reflects our true feelings, right? So why is it that you, Kuro, and Gin are so alike? We could call it harmony in this case.

Isn't that the reason why you appeared in the first place when you regained your memories completely years ago and ascertained yourself?"

Hmm… that's one way to put it…

But let's leave this for now. Thanks for the info you got and I'll try my hardest so that I wouldn't cause another bout of chaos again.

And… let's hope that you will still find Kai well in the not so far future.

"Yeah.

…

I suddenly want to drink tonight. Can I stop by your place later?"

Sure. Let's tone it down outside, though. Kei usually sleeps early these days because he's swamped with stuff for his wedding.

"Alright. Now get me out of here."