‹Ginji›

Oh dear, oh dear, not gorgeous.

It's probably morning now that I think about it, and I suddenly drifted off to a certain gray room accidentally. You know, Gin sleeping does not mean I'll always see Kuro, or rather, even Kuro sleeps, so it's less likely that I will actually see the actual Gin in his own mind.

Well, that's not the case today.

I've never thought about the possibility, but this monkey can ever sleepwalk in his mind.

This has been mentioned before, but at this point, both of us can make anything appear as long as it is within the capacity of our minds.

And he is literally peeling a banana.

But take that with a grain of salt—not sprinkle some on the banana—anything that materializes here does not have any effect to the tangible world. So even if I eat an entire banana tree, roots included, I will never feel full and besides, I have no interest on learning how the roots taste like.

I'm surprised he hasn't woken up his inner self yet, and now he's acting like a cat.

"Mn…

Mom come pick me up I'm scared-nya…"

I can already imagine Ringo crying her eyes out after missing a glorious scene.

But now he sleeptalks? One thing I've always wanted to do is to talk to them when someone is sleep talking. I can't even begin to imagine what on earth their response will be, so most of the time it's comically interesting.

"Howdy, cowboy."

"Yeah… huh…? You wanna fight, nya…?"

"Woah, chill. Don't point a banana at me. I can't do a quick draw."

"Why are you here then… mutt? Are you taking away the money I'll use for superchats-nya…?"

"Wait, so you actually separate that from you budget? What a madlad."

"Not much-nya… But why do you care-nya…?"

"Ah, you got the wrong idea. I don't care at all.

But I go for memberships."

"See you like the cat too-nya~"

"No, she's a fox. A Fox Friend that will friendzone you if you propose to her."

"Ehhhh… Everyone knows she's a cat-nya…"

"No, she is a fox."

"Don't you see her nekomimi, you punk-nya…?"

"What do you mean those are cat ears?! It's obviously fox ears, you idiot! You guys who think that she is a cat are the reason why she rejects everyone calling her their wife!"

Please don't take that seriously, I was just being a bit sarcastic.

"NO, YOU OLD-FASHIONED NOOB-NYA…! SHE IS WAIFRIEND-NYA…!"

"…

Oh, right. It's been two years. I just love how the friend meme didn't die.

But still, she is a fox."

"…You-nya…

WRYYYYYYYYYYYYY…!!!!!!!"

Now those are legit time machine noises.

Alright, I'm out of this place. Never thought this guy becomes a gremlin when he sleepwalks.

▪ ▪ ▪

Remember when this story only had anime references? Man, that was back in the day, I tell you.

But I really need to calm down as I totally got in a heated argument with a monkey. I know that he has more than 50 kilograms of grip strength but he doesn't deserve to be called a gorilla. Also, I'm a firm believer that the fox from Yololive is indeed a fox so I don't agree with Gin on that one.

Well, that can really be considered a nightmare.

June 13.

Third year in college—I really wouldn't call this a do or die, but this is my only chance. You know, I'm very much contradicting myself even years ago in this ambitious act of mine.

It's already a trite that I dislike the concept of academic honors, achievements, and recognition, yet here I am with a tall goal of technically completing college without completing it. As for the reason why I want to go ahead and graduate on this year is mostly out of my personal motives and just simply my absurd mindset.

It is unhealthy, but I have always had this feeling inside me where I feel like I'm not doing enough and I'm in a rush in life, which just got fueled by recent events especially back when I got my realization that going to CSU was a bad idea for me. Alongside that, I have this jumbled up sense of responsibility. Really, my mind is utterly weird.

It's one thing to have an eccentric way of seeing and interpreting things, but it's an entirely different story for those whose mental distortion had gone through the roof. Quite literally, we have a problem in our brain.

Away with that and…

I've always believed that there is always more positivity than negativity in this world, but every time I think about that, I feel my heart ache. I have so many mental fits and "I've had enough's" that it has become a mold to the hateful side of me. Habitual anger is one thing that is really hard to remove.

Well, smoking kills and so does anger.

Not that I'm implying that I did smoke. It was just an analogy.

I have never actually addressed the proximity of IIAT to my home but it is just a station away from the nearest one here and I take the other side of the rails towards south. But on a positive note, I'm grateful that I get to see Yui midway our travels, that our proximity has not fell apart, and that our relationship hasn't gone south.

That's a nice segue if I do say so myself.

…

But on the other side of the spectrum, there's a negative force very near to me.

There's this one person in my batch, and I guess a classmate on the course that had repeated a year before I came to this institute. So I suppose he went back to second year when I just transferred. I'm not joking, he is the most negative thinking person that I have met. I'm even surprised that it seems that he hasn't gotten to any trouble with his behavior. He's actually amazing on his own way.

It's hard to imagine that people like him actually exist.

※ THE CHAPTER FROM THIS POINT ON MAY CONTAIN SENSITIVE LANGUAGE AND TOPICS.

"Good morning, Kai. Lovely day for the first day of school, huh?"

"What's good in every single morning of this world, Ginji? I just want to die already."

"Don't be like that. It's just the start of the school year. Don't be such a downer."

"Jokes on you, my entire life is a downer. Go sit if you don't want my day more ruined."

If you ask me how I got acquainted with this guy, I'm sorry but I also don't know. I'm also a monkey, alright?

But you know, Kai Tokino doesn't really appear to be what he actually is inside. His eyes has shaped to an aggressive glare after years of… well, intense glare rooting from unending hate. Simply put, he's someone that needs anger management.

One of us! One of us!

Aside from his dead eyes, he seems pretty normal outside. But I'm not sure one would think of it that way once they get to really know him. And when I did, I can't unsee his overwhelming negativity. Really, it almost feels like he himself is the personification of it.

But I guess we have one common denominator—we do not know ourselves. See this, Gin may have established his own self, but that does not mean that he, or we have a full understanding of who we really are. It's existential crisis, sure. Just when you get the confidence of knowing yourself, you are hit with a question like "what is the purpose of this", "why am I even doing this", or "do I really agree to what I am doing?"

And what's worse is that my answer is that I don't know for the umpteenth time.

It's a dangerous proximity, honestly. But he hasn't attempted "the last thing" or so it was said. I don't know anything about his family, but he was previously bullied at school, and his mind works away from the logic that ordinary people thinks of.

I resonated with him a whole lot. He's also the type that never opens his mouth about his problems because no one will ever understand him. They just won't get it because they can't comprehend what the metacognition of a twisted person is.

'I don't understand… Why are so worried of those kind of things… Are you going crazy…?'

Maybe we are?

Kai is another one of the people who has reached the more potent case of distortion, and we have theorized that something has gone wrong within our brains during or after the occurrence.

We are tired of getting called absurd on a serious and literal sense, which is why we shut our mouths. I know that it is dangerous. Trust me, it is excruciatingly difficult to contain your pent up feelings with no one to talk to.

It is sad that while Yui has a grasp of my thinking, I don't open up to her about them that much, and Gin and Kuroko have their own lives, especially since they are both Exiles. And really, I don't particularly have an idea if Kuroko has experienced it actually.

All I can do is just cry on my sleep, shut our mouths close on the outside, while screaming until our throats burst on the inside.

But no matter how sad, depressing, and dark Kai gets, I'm just very thankful that he doesn't enjoy noodles that get soggy, because it is just plain sad.

If you spot this tale on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"Actually, I'm just curious, can you cook, Kai?"

"Art is the only thing that is giving me worth. No, what worth would art even give me if it can't even make me better?"

"You're seriously asking that when you're in an art course? You are amazing. Is that why you got held back?"

"Pretty much. I'm objectively above average when it comes to drawing but there's literally not a time where everyone did not get frightened with my interpretations."

"Facts indeed," I pointed at him. "You are creepy."

"Good thing you know."

…

"Ginji! Heads up! No professors in the remainder of the day."

"Huh, man.

Guess we'll go home."

"Hold your puny horse, Ginji. I want some ice cream."

"Oh, that's new. You're treating me?"

"You're an adult, buy your own."

Buying ice cream, he said, but we wound up in the town center near the station with him leading the way without uttering a word. We climbed one of the public buildings and got on the rooftop with an array of hammock overlooking the suburban view.

It was a nice detour nevertheless, and the breeze was fair.

"Haaaahhhh… It's still so hot. If only the school allows shorts I would have rocked it everyday in this heat…"

"I didn't know you hated heat."

"Ah, I guess we weren't yet acquainted at this time last year."

"Well you were taking your sweet time in your isolation so of course I did not care who you were."

"Right. I guess I did.

Speaking of, I'm sorry if this came out to be very sensitive but, are there times where you think that you want to change away from who you are now, or like… actually, that's it."

"…

You got burdened by your responsibilities, you were attacked with a disorder, and now you are what you are now. But did you like or want what you have become now?"

I responded in silence, as I already knew that the answer he was expecting from me was an "of course not," because it would also be his response to his own question.

"Our greatest enemy is ourselves, keep that in mind. Especially for us, since we don't know who we are in a sense, and it just so happened that we are twisted by this world. Different ways, same results. It's easier to decide to change than to actually fight your internal battle and act upon that so-called changed you want to achieve.

In the end, once you lose the battle, that means you can't change. You'll stay the same, you'll be stagnant and you'll only ever be at a stop.

Honestly, I can't count how many battles, how many wars I've lost. I've never experienced triumph. I have tried changing time and time again, but it's not something you can easily win when you're the one who started the fight. Time will come; yet it also might not.

Dare I say, breaking out of this prison in our heads is harder than overcoming general addiction.

Some people may have conquered it, accepted their nature, and lived with it while changing at the same time, but it's not me. Because I don't know myself, I am also not wholehearted. I have always given up, but was I really serious about it? If I was, I would have killed myself long ago.

Ironic isn't it? I just got saved by my own short end of the stick."

"…

That's one full on speech. But I've never thought about it the same way you do. I have some fair share of being an enemy of myself, but I was surprised with the warfare you're going through. Do you have to endure it everyday?"

"Listen here, can you start and end a war in just a day, then come back and repeat the same thing every single day?"

"Guess not."

"Why did you suddenly ask anyway."

"I rarely meet people that are rejected by accepted logic like me, so I wanted to know the workings of the affected one's mind.

I've bit my tongue so many times whenever I hear people call us edgy without knowing our circumstances. In the end, we live a different world."

"For once I agree with you."

A gust of wind suddenly flew by giving a short while of coolness to our heated perceptions.

On the other hand, I had a fleeting thought of wanting to buy a hammock. I really want to sleep.

"What's your plan after graduating anyway?"

"I've lost track long ago so I don't know. I'd want to work with my studies in mind, but I'd need someone to inject motivation in my veins before that happens.

But who knows, I might just quit college after this year. It's not worth to put out more money from my parents anymore. Besides, this is technically my fourth year."

"Hm, I guess I haven't told you why I'm such a try-hard, huh."

"Yeah. You're obviously better than me skills wise, but you suddenly up and started writing a thesis paper before the previous term ended. You're basically the top of the class."

"Mention that last sentence again and I'll strangle you."

"Scary, I'm wetting my pants here."

"I'm going to make the institution give me a diploma this year."

"You're insane."

"I am indeed. My reason may not be of the accepted logic, but who cares when I'm outputting so much? Honestly, I just want to get this done with."

"Hah, you do you."

"Hahh… yeah. By the way, how did you find this place?"

"Was so bored of life I just wandered off everywhere until I found this. Whenever I'm down because of this trash life I came here to sleep."

"So you're always here, then."

"Totally. This is the only place I feel like I'm separated from this world. If you take it away from me I'm going to off myself."

"Then let's see who'll win our battles first."

"Yeah? Count me out then."

"…

I so want to punch you right now."

▪ ▪ ▪

Remember how I said I get to see Yui almost everyday? Well sadly, that's the extent of it most of the time. While I am somehow less busy after coming to IIAT, it's no argument that we're still both pressed in our own times.

I just realized that something sounded very wrong. How am I less busy than when I was in CSU when I'm here crapping my pants trying to break through my subjects? Can you imagine juggling on ten subjects each in two semesters when I was a first year? Good thing that the following years only have half or six subjects and my prerequisites thankfully aligned, but there really wasn't any difference when I am crapping my pants plowing through advanced subjects. As of the moment in the start of this school year, I only have one remaining major subject to take in my third year classes as I am on my way to fourth year subjects, on-the-job training, and thesis paper.

Even I ask myself how I haven't broken down after all those tortures.

That being said, I am in the process of easing my schedule. Honestly, the final year in IIAT does not really have much subjects to take, but I had to focus so much more on the priorities put on being in that position. And really, one thing that I have observed is that I don't see a lot of fourth years in my presence in this institution. Did some of them drop? Yes and no. For the nth time, things have changed after WIR. It was a realization, at least in IIAT with the way their system works, that it may not be so important to leave their studios, or wherever they make art. Thus came a movement of lessening the days being present in the institute for the graduating students. Hey, it worked out fine if most students are out then video meetings are still clearly viable. Anyway, they will be on their own when they go into internship.

But before I even think about those… I still have to accomplish that one last subject.

But even before I get filled more of those thoughts… I really ought to enjoy my breaks if possible.

~ ~ ~

"Have you ever gone to a karaoke place in the past, Ginji?" asked Yui as we make our way inside a booth.

"I… haven't, actually. I don't really sing."

"Lies! When you were still living in Yuuga's apartment, I always hear you humming. And they were great at that!"

"Wait, really…? Was I?"

"Yes, you were! You were always humming Next Color Planet."

"Well, it's a great song.

Wait, how come you know that?"

"You said it yourself. It's a great song, that's why."

"I wonder if they have it here…"

"Now you're getting pumped?! Anyway I really wanted to hear you sing so I see this as an absolute win."

"Ehhh… You're exaggerating. I can't sing that anyway. It's not on my range."

…

‹Yui›

I didn't really expect this, but he might actually be somewhat good at singing. It's not like he is exceptionally good at it, but he's way more than hitting the tones and the rhythm. But if anything, he is spot on with the attitude of the song.

It guess it is as expected from someone who literally only has J-pop on his music library.

Sometimes he becomes really cool.

‹Ginji›

I think I have mentioned this in the past, or not, but I can definitely not speak a single word in a day. But I guess it has now met its downside. Just after three songs, my throat felt beat. I suppose it's the same with lack of exercise in this case.

But I can't really blame myself. If I decide to spout all the nonsense and my twisted thoughts and complaints out loud, then I will just be more of a trash than I already am.

Also, I tend to get quite spinny on the head when I talk especially at a louder volume than normal. I think it has something to do with how my throat vibrates when I speak because it also travels to my skull a bit strongly.

…

But it has been a few minutes since I stopped so it should not be the case, yet I am getting a bit light-headed.

(!)

But this time, I don't think it's the vibration of my skull that is triggering it, but the vibration of the ground itself.

I almost lost thought after realizing that an earthquake is happening, and a strong one at that. There were not any tall tables inside the room and nothing really that can protect our heads apart from our bags. It was a moment of panic, but I immediately took Yui and went under the door jamb.

"You good?"

"I'm fine."

I can feel the surge of energy on my feet, then to my entire body as I feel myself swinging without command. It had lasted for almost a minute at a constant frequency until it slowly died down.

It happened so quickly, yet it went on so slow. It was an anxious first experience of such a strong tremor, but at last we were finally able to take a deep breath.

"Hahh… do you reckon how strong it was, Ginji…?"

"M5, or maybe even stronger. Are you fine? Because my legs are really giving out."

"I think I'm okay for the most part… Should we stay put?"

"Let's not leave for a bit. There will surely be aftershocks incoming."

"Are you sure we're safe here?"

"There might be panic going around in the entrance so let's wait for a second."

I honestly don't know if my decision is right. Should we have gone outside immediately, or was it the right call to remain? Even I have times where my mind just stops working in utterly unexpected situations, and this is one of them. We live in a place where the potential of earthquakes is highly likely, so we are oriented with requisite instructions. But it is difficult to let your mind work over your gut. I blanked out for a moment, and all my rational thoughts were gone.

"Thankfully we're on the ground floor…

…!"

Just as I was saying, we heard a series of heavy thuds. Then we quickly made our way to the entrance from which we heard the sound, and alas, we were blocked by the collapsed wall.

"Is everything fine, manager?" I asked.

"I think the support pillars are still intact… so we might be safe… I tried moving the rubble, but it won't budge. We also can't use the back door since it's also blocked outside."

I then crouched and through the gaps I peeked on the outside to see if there are any people within the range of 15 meters to the entrance. It was also apparent that the wall that had collapsed is now completely separate from the beams that are holding the weight of the structure, and it seems that the supports are still strong enough to hold everything in place.

I can't take chances or any gamble. But even if I am not an engineer, I can clearly see that the broken wall does not have anything that it supports—it has completely fallen, but stuck, trapping us inside, at is seems that there aren't any rescuers that have arrived.

"Are you planning on doing something…?" the manager asked.

"I'll at least try to take this down. I think it's best to get it off inwards so I'd ask all of you to move away."

"Can you really do that…? It was already hard enough to make it move."

"It will be fine. I know my capacity more than anyone."

"…

Then I have a hard hat just in case, and you'll probably need something to pry them off."

"Thank you."

A karaoke place with a hard hat lying around was the last thing I could have expected, but it was very assuring to have a layer of safety. The floor height is tall, perhaps 3 meters or so, but it's evident that there is at least a foot of opening above, but it seems that the walls of the building is quite sturdy for it to not budge.

Thus, I gently tried to pull the parts of the wall at the very top unsuccessfully. But I was glad that it did not fall. I almost forgot to take into consideration what implications a falling of a large block of concrete can have, like vibrations to the ground which can result to collapse if the building is really vulnerable.

Not to be mistaken, I can at least handle objects with such mass, but handling them wrongly in this situation will at worst case scenario be the end of us. But contradictory to my cautiousness, I had to handle a crowbar with only one hand in an attempt to catch the falling concrete.

"Hahh… alright."

~ ~ ~

"Thank you very much for helping us out…!" the manager exclaimed, as we successfully let ourselves out of the building.

"It was the least I can do."

"Are you hurt anywhere?"

"Thankfully, I was not, and it seems no one was hurt anyway. I think we'll have to leave… now…"

I just looked up unconsciously and for no reason, but what my eyes revealed was a huge crack on the five-story building we were just at.

"Manager… please vacate the area immediately. Go somewhere safe and away from here because the building might really collapse.

We'll have to leave now."

I immediately took Yui and carried her on my back and dashed away from the area.

"Did you see the crack on the building, Yui?"

"I did… but is it really okay to leave just like that…?"

"…

Sorry."

In the midst of sprinting back to our home, after dropping off Yui to their place, I tried to assess the situation in the roads that I passed by, and it looks like the only casualty I could see was an old wooden electric pole in our street that veered to a bit of a slant.

"I'm back. Is everything alright here?"

"Thankfully nothing was damaged."

"How strong was the earthquake actually?"

"It was magnitude 6.5 and we're a little close to the epicenter."

"Hahh… good thing we still have power.

Oh, the pole earlier was not our grid, huh."

~ ~ ~

"Talk about convenience. You sure have it settled, Gin."

"This isn't the first time this happened, but it seems the power will take a bit more time to go back."

A few hours after several aftershocks and staying put in the house and making sure that it was fine to move around, I stopped by to the neighbors of the same street, and sure enough, there is only one house with lights on within a 200-meter radius on the darkening afternoon.

"How was it in Giotto's?"

"We did an emergency closure that's why I'm already home. Well, everything's been suspended in the vicinity. Do you guys have power?"

"Yeah. Seems like the wonky pole did some on a lot of houses nearby but we're not on the same line."

"Good for you then. As you can see I don't think I can accommodate more guests."

"Ahh…"

He said so indeed. His entire family and the next door sure are staying at Gin's place.

"But man, this house finally got a test if it's really structurally sound. That one sure was strong.

Ah, surely you went passed the pole on the way here. Are they working on it now?"

"I think… it will just be a temporary measure. But there's probably no hope of getting the power back overnight."

"I see… I hope the bathhouse near Blue Ink isn’t going to be full. I'll have all the energy day in but I'm still skeptical when it's night…"

"Hoping you get a solution. I'll go back home now."

"Alright. I'll take care of this bunch."