Once upon a time…

There was a court jester who was hunchbacked. He was a jovial fellow, always playing his tambourine and making jokes. One night, on his day off, he was sitting in front of a tavern, playing his tambourine for beer money.

A tailor and his wife lived next to the tavern, and heard the tambourine. This wasn’t the first time they’d heard it, and they always enjoyed the music. So they decided to invite the hunchback in for dinner.

Well, it wasn’t alcohol, but the hunchback lived alone and couldn’t say no to a nice fish dinner. He went into the tailor’s house, and they had a lovely meal.

Until suddenly it wasn’t lovely. The hunchback swallowed a fishbone. He choked, hacked, and died.

The tailor and his wife were like “oh heck, we just killed the king’s favorite jester!”

They were (reasonably) worried the king would have them executed for that, even though it was an accident. So the tailor ran next door, checked out who was around, and spotted a doctor. He ran back home, told his wife, and they bundled the hunchback’s body into a wheelbarrow.

A few nerve-wracking minutes later, they were at the doctor’s home. The doctor lived in a place where his house was built down, so his office was basically in the basement. The tailor rolled the hunchback out of the wheelbarrow, propping him up on the top stair down.

“There,” he told his wife. “This way, the doctor will come home, see the dead guy, and presume he walked here cuz he was sick and died on the stairs. We’re in the clear! Home we go!”

And they ran away.

A few hours later, the doctor drunkenly stumbled home. He got to his building, saw the hunchback, and was like “hey, sorry, I don’t work tonight. You gotta go somewhere else.”

The hunchback, being dead, didn’t answer.

The doctor was like “hey, buddy!” and nudged the hunchback with his foot.

The nudge dislodged the hunchback, who went rolling down the stairs. Alarmed, the doctor ran down and checked his pulse.

Finding none, the doctor was like “oh crap, I just killed this guy. Uhhh… I’ll put him next door!” …He was still drunk.

So the doctor dragged the hunchback’s body to his neighbor’s house, leaned him against the door, and skedaddled.

A while later, the neighbor (a chef), decided he had to run out of the house to get something. He opened the door, and the hunchback fell in! Thinking this was a thief, the chef freaked out and spent a good couple minutes beating the crap out of the hunchback’s face.

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Eventually the chef realized the hunchback wasn’t moving. He checked for a pulse, and found none. This freaked him out, cuz he thought he’d just killed the guy. Calling for his wife, they tried to think of a plan for disposing of the body.

They decided to take the body to an alley by the nearest tavern and leave it there. Hopefully in the morning the police would think it was just some random drunken violence. So they put the hunchback into yet another wheelbarrow, and wheeled him back to the tavern. They propped him up as best they could in the alley, and walked home as innocently as possible.

Not long after that, a very drunk man came out of the tavern to take a leak. He went into the alley just as the hunchback fell out of the “standing” position. The drunk guy immediately presumed he was being attacked, and started beating the freaking heck out of the hunchback.

At that moment, a policeman was passing by. He saw the drunk screaming and kicking, and (reasonably) presumed he’d killed the hunchback. The policeman immediately arrested the drunk, and saw the very dead hunchback. He recognized the hunchback as the king’s favorite jester, and knew he had to report this.

The next morning, the city was in a buzz. Some drunk guy had killed the king’s favorite jester, and was going to be hanged at noon! Everyone was talking about it!

The chef heard about it, and… he felt bad. Some innocent rando was going to be hanged for a crime he hadn’t committed. So, to preserve his soul or something, the chef went to the king.

He said “your highness, let the drunk go. I killed the hunchback. I thought he was a thief, since he’d fallen asleep on my doorstep, and accidentally killed him.”

The king was like “oh how noble of you to confess. Let the drunk go! Get the noose around this guy’s throat!”

News of this switch immediately flooded through the city. It got to the ears of the doctor, who knew the hunchback hadn’t been “sleeping”, and felt really bad. After a brief inner debate about the Hippocratic Oath, the doctor went to the king.

He said “your highness, I’m sorry, but the chef is innocent. I killed the jester. He came to my office last night for help, but I was drunk and accidentally kicked him down the stairs. He died at my hand. Let the chef go.”

The king was like “really? Wow, that’s super respectable of you to say. Shame more doctors aren’t as honest as you, but I have to execute you now. Let the chef go and get the noose around this guy’s throat!”

This new development in the murder case spread through the city like wildfire. It reached the tailor and his wife, who just… really felt bad. Like, seriously. They decided they had to confess. So they nervously made their way to the palace.

They said “your highness, terribly sorry, but we’re the ones who killed the hunchback. We invited him over for dinner, and he choked on a fishbone and died. If you do an autopsy, you’ll find the fish bone still in his throat. Please, let the doctor go, it’s our fault.”

The king was like “huh, well, that’s interesting. Let the doctor go, and get the noose around these fine folk’s necks!”

At this point, the executioner stormed in. He was like “what the heck, dude!!! How many people are going to confess to this freaking murder! If we postpone the execution till tomorrow, I bet half the freaking city will have come through saying they did it!”

The king… couldn’t keep it in any more. He found this whole situation hilarious. He started laughing and laughing, until tears were streaming down his face. Honestly, he hadn’t laughed like that in years.

He brought in the doctor, the chef and the drunk guy, and had everyone tell the story properly. The king decreed it must be written down for preservation in history books.

And for providing the most entertaining thing he’d seen in ages, the king decided to not execute anyone.

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Moral: Pinning murders on other people is always a good idea.