Once upon a time…

There was a teenager whose dad died and left him a greyhound, a hawk, and a cat. The teen kinda stole a wish-granting rock from an ogre, then married a princess. She traded the rock back to the ogre for some rubies, and the now-prince ran home crying.

Yep.

So, his mom told him to ask his pets to search for the ogre. First he asked the greyhound to find the ogre, and the dog immediately bounded off, nose to the ground.

An hour later, the greyhound came back. He said “I tried to find the ogre, but I couldn’t! I went west, until I came to a river. The scent ends at a dock, I’m sorry!”

The prince gave the dog a nice, juicy steak and told him he was a good boy. Then he asked the hawk to go south and find the ogre. So the hawk flew up, up, up into the sky. It went so high they couldn’t see it any more, and turned south.

Three hours later, it came back. It said “I found the ogre! He’s laying on a beach, next to a house made of bamboo, drinking something fruity and alcoholic!”

…which, all things considered, seems objectively slightly less evil than what the teenager had used the wishing rock for. But oh well.

The prince gave the hawk a nice, juicy rabbit, praising it for doing such a good job.

Then he asked the cat if she could go get the rock.

The cat was like “dude. That’s way too far to walk. Heck no.”

So the prince asked if the hawk would mind flying the cat over to the ogre. The hawk, ready to please and full of rabbit, agreed. It picked the cat up by the scruff of her neck and flew all the way to the ogre’s new home.

The cat, while being carried through the sky, spotted a rat’s nest near the ogre’s tiki hut. So instead of sneaking into the house, she wandered over to the nest entrance and plopped down to clean her claws.

At first the rats hid. They didn’t want to disturb the cat, and hoped she’d go away. But she didn’t. After waiting several hours, the bravest rat snuck to the entrance.

“Excuse me!” he called. “Can we help you?”

“Why yes, you can,” the cat replied. “I need a rock. A specific rock, with carvings on it. A rock that’s hidden in the house over there. Either that or a couple of your children to eat.”

The rat panicked. “We can get the rock! Absolutely! Give us ten minutes, and that rock will be yours, yep!”

“Wonderful,” the cat purred, and settled down for a nap.

The rat ran back inside, got four of the sneakiest rats, and they went to the house. They’d already explored it a bit, so they knew the rock was kept by the ogre’s bed. Since the ogre had spent the whole day drinking piña coladas, he was snoring away in a hammock outside on the porch. It was easy for the rats to grab the stone unnoticed and run back to the cat.

They left it by her paw and hurried inside, leaving her to wake up on her own.

Which she did, after an hour or so. She picked up the stone with her teeth, and started trotting back home.

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It took a while, but finally she got to the river. The ferry was on the other side, so she settled down to wait at the edge of the dock.

That’s when the hawk flew up like “what the heck, dude??? I fly you all the way over there, almost die of exhaustion when we land, and you just abandon me?? Heck no! Give me that rock!”

The cat was like “no. I got the rock, I take it back and get the credit.”

The hawk was like “no! Give!”

And the cat was like “no! Mine!”

They went back and forth, both trying to hold on to the stone, when suddenly it popped out of both their grasps, and fell into the water. They looked over the edge of the dock just in time to see it get stuck in a fish’s ear. And then the fish swam away.

“Well now look what you’ve done,” the hawk grumbled, and flew off to tell the prince that the cat lost the stone.

The cat, being clever, calmly walked to the shore and started tossing mud into the water.

“Excuse me,” she heard after a few minutes.

She ignored it, and continued digging.

“Excuse me!”

She tossed more mud into the river.

“EXCUSE ME!!!”

Finally she turned towards the river, smiling. “Yes?”

A pair of fish looked back. “Hey, could you not? You’re making the river super muddy!”

“Yep, that’s the point,” the cat said, cleaning a claw. “I dropped a carved stone into a fish’s ear, and I need it back. So I’m gonna make the river super dirty, then all the fish will die, and I can find the rock when you all wash up on shore.”

The fish were like “uhhhhhh wellll that… That’s a plan, yes… How about this: give us an hour, and we’ll find the stone for you. If we don’t, continue on trying to kill us all?”

She thought it over. “How about this: I’ll take a nap, and if it’s not sitting by my paws when I wake up you all die. Mm’K?”

“Yep, that sounds good,” the fish agreed, and swam away.

The cat found a nice sunny spot and curled up for a nap.

The fish, panicking, swam to every fish in the river to ask if they’d seen a carved stone. None had. Finally they got to the mouth of the river, where an old tuna lived.

They asked if he’d seen a carved stone.

“What?!” the tuna shouted.

“Have you seen a carved stone?!” they shouted back.

“Sorry, can’t hear you!” the tuna yelled. “I got something stuck in my ear earlier today!”

They checked, and sure enough, there was a rock in his ear! They pulled it out, and it was a carved stone!

Convinced this must be what the cat wanted, they thanked the confused tuna and swam back to the dock.

When the cat woke up, she was pleased to find the rock sitting neatly by her paws. So she picked it up, strolled onto the ferry, and went home.

The prince, absolutely thrilled to have the stone back, berated the hawk for lying about the cat losing it, and gave the cat a nice, juicy fish.

Then he went back to his palace, where his wife was crying in the melted remains of her fancy home. He wished for the palace to be back how it was, except made of green jade this time. That way, if someone stole the magic stone again, at least their house wouldn’t melt.

The princess was very sorry she’d given away the stone, if only he’d been honest about what it was! And then he pointed out she should have been honest about what she wanted it for! They argued, and then they promised to always be honest with each other, and then they [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] for [REDACTED] and [REDACTED] until [REDACTED].

Some years later the princess’ father died, and the prince became king. The ogre presumably died after a few weeks of living off an infinite supply of piña coladas, and they all lived happily ever after.

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Moral: Always give cats everything they want.