Once upon a time…

There was a family that consisted of a mother and her three teenage daughters.

One day, two of the daughters were like “let’s play a game! We’ll spin wool into thread, and whoever drops their spindle first, we’ll eat for dinner!”

…I swear I’m not making this up.

Well, the mother agreed, for some reason, and they started spinning.

Well, the mom dropped her spindle. At the youngest daughter’s insistence, they agreed that the spindle had to be dropped three times before someone got et.

Wellll, the mom dropped her spindle three times. So the girls killed her and cooked her up.

When it was time for dinner, the youngest daughter didn’t want to eat.

WOW, I WONDER WHY.

Instead of eating, she went to the fence outside, where there was an old saddle. She sat down on the saddle and cried as her sisters had their dinner.

When they were done, she got down and took her mother’s bones. She buried them beneath the fireplace and burned incense over them for forty days.

During this time, she didn’t speak much to her sisters. Instead, she preferred to stay outside on the saddle and read. Because of this, her sisters nicknamed her “Saddleslut”.

They just sound like the best family, don’t they?

Anyways, at the end of forty days, Saddleslut (look, half these stories never give their protagonists names; this one does, and I have to use it) pulled all the ashes off the fireplace and pushed the stone up to get her mother’s bones out. But instead of bones, she found a gorgeous dress that sparkles like the night sky, a pair of silver shoes, and a magic bag of gold.

She… quietly put the stone back in place and replaced the ashes.

The next day was Sunday. Her sisters went to church early, and when they were gone, Saddleslut put on the dress and shoes, tied the bag to her belt, and went to church.

No one recognized her… somehow… and when church was over she chucked a couple handfuls of gold into the street and ran home.

She changed out of the dress and hid it as quickly as possible, then went to sit on her saddle.

When her sisters got home, they were like “oh you missed it! There was this super rich hot chick at church today! Why didn’t you come? She threw money at us!”

Saddleslut was like “eh. Didn’t feel like it. I don’t need extra money, I’m fine.”

The sisters, deciding this meant more money for them, agreed Saddleslut should stop going to church.

The next two Sundays, she did the same thing. The sisters never caught on that the rich hot chick was Saddleslut.

Finally, a prince heard about this super rich hot chick, and went to church there. At this point everyone was pretty used to Saddleslut and her habit of throwing money at them, so as soon as the service was over, they crowded around her. She tossed money out, but in the press of the crowd she somehow lost her shoe.

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The prince got the shoe, and decided to find and marry the girl it belonged to.

When the sisters got home from church that day, they found Saddleslut in her usual spot. They were like “the rich chick lost a shoe, and the prince is gonna marry whoever the shoe fits! You’ve got pretty small feet, maybe it’ll fit you!”

Saddleslut was like “nah, he couldn’t possibly want to marry me.”

The sisters were like “duh, not you specifically, but he’s going to marry whoever the shoe fits. So we’ll get him over here, and when you put your foot in the shoe, he’ll think you’re the hot rich chick. Even though, y’no, you’re not.”

Saddleslut was like “that’s a horrible idea, please don’t do that.”

And they were like “too late! He’s already here!”

The prince came to the house with his attendants, and the sisters shoved Saddleslut at him. He recognized her face (amazingly enough), and when she put the shoe on, he decreed he was going to marry her.

She told him to not play around, that this was a bad idea, and he really didn’t want to marry her.

But he insisted, and the sisters insisted, so she was taken to the palace to marry the prince. Before she left, she pulled up the stone in the fireplace and took out her dress, money bag, and the other shoe. The sisters asked how she’d managed to steal those things from the hot rich chick, a question which she didn’t answer.

Anyways, Saddleslut and the prince were married. A thing which she was totally ok with, really, we swear. About nine months later, she had a baby! Joy abounded in the kingdom.

Her sisters came to see their new nephew, and when they were alone with Saddleslut, they shoved her in a chest and yeeted the chest into a nearby river.

Great family.

The chest floated downriver, until it was hauled out by a crazy person. This person thought they’d chop up the chest for firewood. But when they opened it and saw a human inside, they were like “oh crap!!!” and ran away.

Leaving Saddleslut all alone. She climbed out of the chest, finding herself in a forest. She heard wolves howling, and became afraid.

She looked up and wished for a little hole to stick her head in, so she didn’t have to hear the scary animals. Magically, a hole appeared next to her. So she stuck her head in the hole.

This was, amazingly enough, not helpful! So she pulled her head out of the hole, looked up, and asked for a slightly bigger hole. So she could fit her arms and shoulders in, too. Magically, a new hole appeared! She climbed in.

It didn’t have the desired effect. Apparently. So Saddleslut pulled herself out, looked up, and wished for a hole she could put her whole body in.

This time, whoever was granting wishes gave up. Instead of a new hole appearing, a cabin poofed into existence next to her!

She went in, and discovered it was a magic cabin. Anything she asked for would appear. She sat down and wished for a three-course meal, and it appeared! Happy and full, she wished for a bed and went to sleep.

Meanwhile, the prince had discovered his wife was missing. He found out what the sisters had done to Saddleslut, and had them hacked into pieces by his guards.

Which, good.

Then he got on a horse and went out searching for his wife. He followed the river all day, and at dusk he found the cabin. He knocked on the door, and Saddleslut asked who it was.

“It’s me!” he answered.

Saddleslut let him in. Somehow, somehow, he didn’t recognize her. He asked if she had any food she could give him, and she wished for a ten-course meal.

He was amazed! And the food was good, too! Deciding he needed a souvenir, he took a spoon and put it in his boot.

Saddleslut saw him do that, but didn’t comment. Instead, when dinner was over, she called out “forks and spoons, are you all here?”

The forks and spoons all answered “yes” except the spoon, which answered “I’m in the prince’s boot!”

She pretended to not hear that one, and asked louder “forks and spoons, are you all here?!”

The forks and spoons all answered “yes”, except the spoon. Which answered “I’m still in the prince’s boot!!”

The prince, embarrassed, put the spoon back on the table, blushing.

Saddleslut was like “don’t blush, I’m your wife!”

And he was like “oh my gosh, you are my wife!”

So she wished the cabin was back at the palace. It immediately teleported itself over, and they lived happily ever after.

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Moral: Even three-year-olds with the attention spans of overcaffeinated squirrels can write fairy tales.