Once upon a time…

There was a dude named Aladdin, he lived with his mom. A magician made him get a lamp from a magic cave, and wandered off when Aladdin didn’t get out of the cave in time. Thankfully Aladdin had a ring with a travel djinn in it, so he was teleported home safe, where he discovered a stupid powerful djinn in the lamp. He wished for a feast, and got a bunch of food on gold plates.

Yep.

So! When his mom got home from work, she was amazed by all the food and fancy cutlery. She took a couple days off work, and they spent the whole time eating all the epic food. Thankfully there were bowls of almonds and raisins, and other stuff that wouldn’t go bad right away, so they set that aside for later and ate all the meat and vegetables and other things that would go bad after a couple days.

It was pretty great.

They didn’t share much, because they lived in a poor part of the city, and if they showed off how much fancy stuff they suddenly had they’d probably be arrested for thievery. Either that or murdered in their sleep by thieves.

Anyways, once the feast was gone Aladdin went to work selling all the gold and the tablecloth. His old bosses were kind enough to help him with that, and he made enough money to live for the next year.

By that time he was nineteen, almost twenty, and his mom was starting to push for him to get a girlfriend.

At the same time, the local sultan was thinking it was time to marry off his only daughter. So he, being a very loving father, decreed that the richest man who offered could have her.

I think. This part of the story is kinda fuzzy in my memory. So I’m gonna just make stuff up until the merchant appears again, stitching together details.

The sultan gave everyone a month to come and prove their riches. Immediately the palace had a line of rich people outside the door. Some had maps of kingdoms they ruled, others had deeds to ships and islands, while others just had really big piles of gold to show off.

Aladdin heard about all this. He decided being son-in-law to the sultan was the job for him, so he grabbed the brass lamp and rubbed it. Instantly, a djinn popped out.

“I am the most powerful djinn in the history of djinn,” it announced. “What do you want?”

Aladdin thought about it. “I want a set of clothes that just screams ‘I’m the richest person ever’, the most impressive carpet in the history of impressive carpets, and a gold bowl full of apples made out of diamonds.”

The djinn was like “oh, is that all?”

Aladdin, not knowing what sarcasm was, nodded. “Yeah, that should do it.”

So the djinn thought it over a moment, then snapped its fingers. Suddenly Aladdin was dressed in clothes made out of purple silk with gold embroidery. A carpet floated in the air in front of him, and on the carpet was the requested bowl of apple-sized (and shaped) diamonds.

It was perfect. Aladdin hopped onto the carpet, and it flew him to the sultan.

The sultan was like “whaaaaa a flying carpet? You’re not only rich, but you’ve got magic stuff too? Dang, boy, you win! Contest closed, you’ll marry my daughter tomorrow!”

So Aladdin married the sultan’s daughter. They stayed in the palace a week, and then the sultan gave him a plot of land on the next hill over where he could build his own palace.

Aladdin was like “sweet.” He went home and grabbed the lamp, summoning the djinn.

The djinn popped out and was like “you again? What do you want this time?”

And Aladdin was like “nothing much. Just a twenty-bedroom palace with an obscene amount of gold and gems in the decor, and a swimming pool in the courtyard, and peacocks wandering around the garden, and a couple tigers for pets/home security. Placed right there. Thanks.”

The djinn rolled its eyes. “That’ll take me a couple hours,” it warned.

Aladdin was fine with that, as long as it happened at night. The djinn sighed and got to work.

The next morning, as the sultan was heading down to breakfast, he glanced out a window and saw a magnificent palace on Aladdin’s land.

He was like “oh yeah, I made a good choice for a son-in-law.” And continued on, questioning nothing.

Aladdin moved into his new home, bringing his mom and wife with him, and got to work hiring servants and cooks and stuff from the local population. The sultan gave him a job in government, to train him for eventual sultanship, so he was almost making enough money to pay all those people. He still had to call on the djinn every three months or so to magically refill his gold vault.

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While all that was going on, the magician was traveling the world, doing magic stuff. He was pretty far away when he heard about the sultan’s offer. He got interested when he heard about the flying carpet. And when he heard about the palace that popped up overnight, he knew something was up.

He was very familiar with magic, and knew only a handful of djinn were capable of doing something like that.

So he went back. He disguised himself as an old man, and went to the sultan’s palace to check things out. He didn’t recognize Aladdin instantly, since the kid had grown up and was wearing fancy clothes now, but he recognized the ring Aladdin wore. He watched, judging the situation, getting more jealous by the minute.

All the stuff Aladdin had; the clothes, the house, the friendship with the sultan… All that rightfully belonged to the magician! After all, Aladdin had been some good-for-nothing street rat barely five years ago, not even aware the lamp existed! While the magician had dedicated years of his life to tracking that thing down! It wasn’t fair!

But that was ok. He had a plan.

Still dressed as an old man, the magician went out and bought a literal cartload of shiny new brass oil lamps. Then he started making his way through the city.

As he walked, he called out “trade old lamps for new ones! Trade up your lamp! I take old lamps! I give you new ones! Trade old lamps for new ones!”

At first people were like “lol seriously?” When they figured out he was serious they were like “LOL ok!”

Since television hadn’t been invented yet, this was absolutely the most fascinating and hilarious thing to happen in the city all week. Soon he had a crowd following him around, watching him trade lamps.

After a couple hours he got to Aladdin’s palace. He paused there, calling his offer into the courtyard.

The servants heard him, and took the news to the sultan’s daughter. She thought it was hilarious, and wanted in on the joke. Sadly, all their lamps were new (and most were gold). But! One of the servants knew there was an old lamp in the gold vault. It looked old enough to be traded. The sultan’s daughter ordered it to be brought to her, and she took it out to the magician.

The magician saw it, and instantly knew it was the djinn’s lamp. He took it from her, looked it over, and pronounced it to be old. He then pulled a new lamp out of his cart and handed it to her.

She went inside, laughing, and he continued on his way through the city.

That evening at dinner, she told Aladdin about the hilarious lamp guy.

Aladdin was like “wait. What lamp did you trade?”

And she was like “eh, just some old lamp from the gold vault.”

And he was like “crapcrapcrapcrapcrapcrap!”

At that exact moment, the magician rubbed the lamp and wished Aladdin’s palace and all his stuff were in the middle of the desert.

With a poof, the palace vanished, leaving Aladdin all alone on a patch of dirt.

Aladdin ran to the sultan, and tearfully explained that a horrible, evil man had stolen the palace and everything in it, and he didn’t know what to do!

The kind sultan was like “well, get my daughter back here by tomorrow night or I’ll have you beheaded.”

…Yep.

So Aladdin, with only the clothes on his back, was kicked out of the palace to go find his wife.

After spending a couple minutes freaking out, he remembered the djinn in the ring! He rubbed his ring, summoning the djinn, and asked to be taken to his palace.

The djinn was like “uhh, dude, you don’t have a palace.”

And Aladdin was like “heck. Take me to my wife!”

And the djinn was like “mmmm due to the laws of kidnapping, you don’t have a wife, either.”

Aladdin was like “take me to my mom! Wait, no, take me to the woman who gave birth to me.”

The djinn grinned. “Yep, now you’ve got it!”

One finger-snapping later, Aladdin was standing in the palace’s kitchen, next to his mother.

He was like “mooooom thisreallymeanguystolemyhouseandwifeandlampandstuff what do I dooooooo?”

His mom was like “ok, first off, the guy who stole everything is your uncle, who isn’t really your uncle.” She explained that the not-uncle was really a magician, and he’d taken the lamp as revenge on Aladdin. He kept the lamp tied to his belt at all times, and was slightly panicking because he didn’t really have a long-term plan here.

…Ok so, in the real story, Aladdin gets his wife to trick the magician into handing over the lamp (and the rest of his clothes), and then they wish the palace back into place, leaving the naked magician in the middle of the desert. But I don’t like that ending. So I’m gonna make up a new one that I think fits better.

Aladdin and his mom remembered all the time they’d spent living with the magician; working, eating, relaxing… This wasn’t a bad guy. I mean, he’d given Aladdin a ring which was probably worth a fortune, just to keep him safe.

So when it was time for lunch, they went to the dining room and sat down. They had a calm, reasonable discussion like the adults they were.

They decided to put the palace back, and let Aladdin keep his place as the sultan’s son-in-law. The magician would keep the lamp. They’d tell the sultan that the magician was Aladdin’s uncle, and had played a practical joke on everyone. It was hilarious in hindsight, no hard feelings, and what about making the magician the Royal Magician?

They put the plan in motion, the sultan thought it was hilarious (and that having a Royal Magician was a great idea), and Aladdin wasn’t beheaded.

And they all lived happily ever after.

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Moral: Always tell your spouse if something you own is vital to your well-being.