Once upon a time…

There was a family of bears. There were three of them; a papa, a mama, and a baby. Altho the baby was more of a toddler than an infant. Or maybe a child, since he seems to have a decent vocabulary…

Anyways, one morning the bear family got up and made a lovely breakfast of porridge, also known as oatmeal. They made a pot of the stuff big enough for all three of them, put it in their own special bowls, and sat down to eat.

But it was too hot! It was so hot, no one could eat it!

Papa Bear was like “hey, I know! Why don’t we take a stroll through the forest for a couple minutes, to let breakfast cool down?”

Mama and Baby Bears thought this was a great idea, so they all jumped to their feet and walked arm-in-arm out of their house.

…Are we sure these are bears? And not just very hairy people? Or normal people with “Bear” as a surname. They don’t act very bear-like.

Oh well.

When they left their house, they forgot to lock the door. So when, two minutes later, a small unattended child spotted their house, it was able to waltz right in.

The small child was a girl, with long blonde curls. Since naming people after how they look is common in fairy tales, her name was Goldilocks.

Goldilocks glanceded around this house she’d found, and spotted breakfast! She’d been running around for a while now, and at this point she was so hungry even oatmeal looked good. So she sat down in the biggest chair, picked up a big spoon, and took a bite.

She immediately spit it back into the bowl. It was too hot! It was practically still boiling!

So Goldilocks slid into the next chair, picked up the medium-sized spoon, and took a big bite.

She swallowed that bite, but it was cold! It was practically frozen! Oatmeal isn’t the best-tasting of breakfasts by any measure, and cold oatmeal has been proven to give people depression.

Goldilocks backed away from that bowl slowly, and moved into the small chair. She picked up the small spoon and took a bite of porridge.

It was the perfect temperature! Not too hot or too cold, and with enough sugar to give a giraffe diabetes. She gobbled it all down!

Once breakfast was done, Goldilocks got up to look around the house some more. She found three rocking chairs and decided to test them. Because why not.

Stolen novel; please report.

So she climbed into the biggest rocking chair, and tried to get comfortable. But it was too hard! It was practically solid wood! Not good at all.

Goldilocks climbed out, and jumped into the medium rocking chair. It was too soft! She started sinking into all the stuffing! Sensing that she could die of suffocation if she didn’t move, she scrambled out of the chair.

Finally, she sat down in the smallest rocking chair. It was just right! Not too hard, not too soft, just perfect. She started rocking back and forth, having a great time. But she rocked so hard, the chair fell over backwards and broke!

Goldilocks picked herself up off the pile of sticks and padding, and decided to check out the upstairs!

…Look, I know “dumb blonde” is a harmful stereotype, but this story really isn’t making a good case against it.

Anyways, the upstairs of the house was one big bedroom. It had three beds in it, three dressers, and I’m gonna say three bathrooms.

Goldilocks, with no sense of pattern recognition, went through the whole “try all three beds” thing. The biggest one was too hard, the medium one was too soft, and the little one was just right.

So she climbed under the blankets of the little bed, and fell asleep.

Meanwhile, the bears were just getting home from their walk. They found the front door open, and were alarmed.

Papa Bear went to the breakfast table and saw his bowl. He said “it looks like someone’s been messing with my porridge!”

Mama Bear followed him, and saw her bowl. “It looks like someone has been eating mine, too!”

Baby Bear looked at his bowl and started crying. “Someone’s been eating my porridge, too, and ate it all up!”

The parents were very sympathetic, but when they turned to look at Baby Bear’s bowl, Papa Bear saw the living room.

He ran in and shouted “it looks like someone’s been sitting in my chair!”

Mama Bear followed, and said “someone’s been sitting in my chair, too!”

Baby Bear saw his chair in pieces and just pointed, sobbing.

They were wondering what kind of monster would break a perfectly good rocking chair when they heard a snore coming from upstairs. So the three of them snuck up, looking around.

Papa Bear whispered “it looks like someone’s been sleeping in my bed!”

Mama Bear whispered back “it looks like someone’s been sleeping in my bed, too!”

And Baby Bear was like “someone’s been sleeping in my bed, and she’s still there!”

The noise woke Goldilocks up! She saw herself surrounded by a group of ticked-off bears, and…

Eh, choose your ending.

…jumped out the window! Unfortunately, she’d forgotten that she was on the second floor, and when she hit the ground she died. The bears, after picking out all the glass shards, took her inside and ate her for lunch.

…climbed out the window! Thankfully there was a handy tree right there, so she didn’t get hurt. She reached the ground and ran all the way home!

…screamed. Mama Bear shoved her pillow over the girl’s face to quiet the noise, and Goldilocks suffocated. Being bears, and not wanting to be charged with murder, they took her into the kitchen and cooked her up for lunch.

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Moral: don’t waltz into random houses, kids.