Once upon a time…

There was a man who was very sick. He called his son to him and told the teenager to take care of his pets. The man had a greyhound, a falcon, and a cat. They were good animals, and would take care of the son if he took care of them.

And then the man rolled over and died.

The teen was very sad, but after that he made it his mission to take the three animals out on walks every afternoon. Yes, this included the cat.

One day, his walk took him to the shores of a very deep lake. The greyhound started barking at something, and when the teen went to investigate, an ogre came out of the bushes!

The ogre was like “hey, kid, I don’t mean you any harm! Look, an enemy of mine took all my silver and threw it into this lake. I have severe aquaphobia, and can’t get it back. You look like you’re a good swimmer, so how about this: I’ll tie a rope to this bucket, then you swim down and fill it with silver. When all my silver is back, you can keep half of it for your troubles.”

The teenager thought it over, and decided that was fair. Besides, it’s not like the ogre could drown him or anything. So he agreed, dove into the water, and swam down to the bottom of the lake.

When he got there, he found piles of silver surrounding a marble pedestal on which sat a strangely-marked stone. Curious, he picked the stone up.

Immediately, he heard a voice say “hey, I can grant any wish. Put me in your pocket, and don’t give me to the ogre, cuz he’ll use me for evil.”

Not about to question a talking rock, the teen put it in his pocket and started shoveling silver into the bucket.

A few minutes later (this was in the days before tv, so his main way of entertaining himself was seeing how long he could hold his breath, apparently), the teen resurfaced. He told the ogre that he’d sent up half the silver in buckets, and he’d get his half later. The ogre could go home.

The ogre was like “nnnno, I want to get all of it. Just to make sure it’s split evenly. And if you see any interesting rocks send them up, too.”

The teenager shrugged, and dove back down. After another couple minutes he came back to the surface, saying all the silver and cool rocks were out.

The ogre thanked him, and together they carefully counted out the silver. The ogre kept looking for something, getting more and more annoyed when it didn’t appear, but he never said what he was looking for. Finally he gave up, took his half of the silver, and stomped off.

When the greyhound said the ogre was totally gone, the teen pulled the stone out of his pocket and wished for a camel with raiments worthy of a prince.

Instantly a camel appeared, with crimson and purple tassels hanging off the saddle and reins. …I think there are camel-specific words for those things, and other stuff people put on camels, but I don’t know the words for that. Sorry I’m not a camel expert.

Anyways, he filled the saddlebags with silver, hopped on the back of his camel, and rode home.

When he got there, his mom saw him and was like “oh crap you’ve killed someone.”

He was like “nope! Hey, do me a favor? Take this bag of silver to the king and say your son wants to marry the princess.”

She was like “yep, my son went insane and killed someone.”

It took a lot of convincing, but finally she went to the king.

She bribed her way into an audience with him, and said her son wanted to marry the princess.

The king looked her over, and was like “suuuure, yeah, that’s likely to happen. Ok, if he can make a palace of ice that never melts, and yet is warm enough inside for tropical birds to survive in, then I’ll let him marry my daughter.”

The mom nodded, thanked him, and went to tell her son.

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When he heard, he was like “pssh, I thought he’d ask for something hard.” He pulled out the stone and made a wish.

The next morning, the king looked out his window and saw a palace made of ice sitting in his back yard.

He was like “holy crap, that lady wasn’t crazy.”

And that afternoon the teenager was married to the princess.

The princess was vain and kinda horny, and the teenage boy was a stereotypical teenage boy, so they had a great couple days exploring their new home and all the cool things in it. As well as having lots of [REDACTED] fun. Plus he could get her basically anything she asked for just by walking into a different room for a couple seconds, so she was totally fine with being married to this guy.

Anyways, after a week or so, the (now) prince decided he should take his pets out for a walk, like old times. He left, riding his camel with the hawk on his arm.

The ogre, meanwhile, had been waiting for him to leave. The ogre had heard about the new prince, seen the palace, and knew there was only one way that’d happened. The little twerp had stolen his rock! How dare!

So the ogre went to the palace doors and knocked. A servant carefully opened up, asking what he wanted.

“I’m a precious gem merchant from far away. Does anyone in this palace want some precious gems?” the ogre asked.

The princess heard this, and was like “heck yeah I want precious gems! Gimme!”

So the ogre was allowed in, and he laid out his wares on a table. I don’t know where he got a pile of rubies and emeralds, but he sure had a bunch of them. The princess wanted, like, all the gems, but she was smart enough to know she shouldn’t show that.

She looked everything over and was like “yeah, these are ok, but not the best. What are you selling them for?”

The ogre gave her a price they both knew was too high. After a bit of haggling, he was like “ok, tell ya what. I am a rock aficionado. If a plain ol’ granite pebble has weird carvings on it, I want that thing in my collection. I heard your husband has a super cool carved rock. Get it for me, and I’ll give you any two of these gems to make into earrings. Sound good?”

The princess pretended to think it over, and finally agreed. She’d seen that rock; it’d fallen out of the prince’s pocket once. He’d said it was a good luck stone or something (at the time she’d been more focused on the other things he kept in his pants). So she agreed to get the ogre the carved rock, and told him to come back the next day with the two biggest rubies he had.

That evening, when the prince returned, the princess asked to see the good luck rock he had.

The prince pulled it out of his pocket, and told her it’d been made by his dead father to protect him.

The princess was like “awww that’s so sweet! Hey, can I borrow it tomorrow? My friends asked me to go to a race with them, and I need all the luck I can get to bet on the fastest camel!”

The prince grew very serious. He became the most serious she’d ever seen him. “I will, but keep it very safe. Whatever you do, don’t lose it or give it to anyone. Promise?”

She promised, thanking him for trusting her. And then she picked it up and rambled on about what a great rock carver his dad had been, and how them marrying was proof of its good luck for both of them, and how interesting all the markings were, almost as interesting as [REDACTED] his [REDACTED] to [REDACTED] in [REDACTED] on her [REDACTED]. Right?

He was like “[REDACTED]!”

So they [REDACTED].

…Look, the Writathon has very strict rules.

Anyways, the next day the prince went out to take his pets for a walk. The ogre saw him leave, and snuck up to the palace. He was allowed to enter.

The princess showed him the carved rock, and he gave her the rubies.

Both happy, the ogre left.

When the prince got back, he noticed something odd. The ice was melting! He was like “ohhhh crap,” and asked a servant where his wife was.

The servant said “she took her new rubies to a jeweler to get them made into earrings.”

He was like “did she win rubies at the race today?”

And the servant was like “race? Nah, she bought them off an ogre.”

The prince asked “…with what?”

“Some carved rock?”

The prince cursed, and ran back to his mother’s house. He left the princess alone in a melting palace.

His mom, hearing what had happened, was like “wait, isn’t that basically what happened to Aladdin?”

He was like “who’s Aladdin?”

And the mom was like “nnnnever mind! Well, maybe your pets can help!”

And this is the point in the story where we find out the animals can talk.

Strangely, this wasn’t one of Scheherezade’s tales, but I’m gonna copy her and split the story here anyways.

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Moral: Don’t trade away your SO’s family heirlooms.