Once upon a time…

There was a family who lived in a forest. They were very poor. Like, insanely poor. Like, they’re lucky they lived in a forest and could forage because they had no money poor. There was the dad, the mom, and two kids.

One night, after a meal of idk tree bark or something, the mom had a serious chat with the dad about how they were starving to death. She said it would be better to take the kids into the forest and abandon them there, so they could starve to death faster. The dad wasn’t all that thrilled with this plan, but he agreed after a while.

Unfortunately, Hansel was awake during this conversation. After the parents went to sleep, he went out back to the small stream and filled his pockets with shiny river rocks.

The next morning, the dad told the kids he was going to take them out to forage for firewood. They followed him into the darkest part of the forest, walking for hours. All that time, Hansel dropped a trail of rocks out of his pocket.

They spent the day foraging for wood. They found a berry bush and had berries for lunch. Then the kids settled down for a nap in the afternoon, and the dad went back home.

The kids woke up at dusk.

Gretel was like “aaaaaah we’ve been abandoned!” She was four, and very scared.

Hansel was like “nah, I got this! Just follow me and I’ll get us home!” He was six, and unreasonably optimistic.

So he took her hand, and followed the trail of shiny stones all the way back home. They got back at like ten at night, and their parents were… so thrilled… that they were back. Yay…

The mom was like “nah, we gotta try again.”

So the next morning, their dad took them to a different part of the forest. Hansel suspected he’d abandon them again, so as they walked he broke as many twigs and branches as he could.

Sure enough, when the kids were taking their afternoon nap, their dad booked it home.

They woke up at dusk again. Gretel was still freaked out, but Hansel knew how to get home. He took her hand, and at about midnight they wandered into the family cottage.

The mom was like “heck. How are we going to get rid of these kids?”

And the dad was like “maybe we shouldn’t try?”

And the mom was like “no that’s not the solution. I’ll come up with something.”

The next day it was Sunday. As such, they all got their treat of one slice of actual bread to eat. The mom told them to keep it, and save it for lunch. The dad took them out, again into the dark part of the forest. Hansel thought they were going to be abandoned again, so as they walked he dropped bread crumbs on the ground. They foraged all morning, had lunch, and the kids went to sleep. Their circadian rhythm must have been super out of whack. Or else they really were starving to death, and just needed like 18 hours of sleep a day. Anyways, they woke up at dusk alone.

Gretel freaked out again.

Hansel was like “nah I got this! All we have to do is follow this trail of bread crumbs!”

And Gretel was like “what bread crumbs? The birds ate them all!”

At that point Hansel saw the flaw in his brilliant plan. But he was still very optimistic, and determined to not show fear. So he took her hand, and led her in the direction he thought was home.

He was wrong.

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They walked and walked and walked, until they couldn’t walk any more. They were still lost. So they took a nap, woke up at dawn, and kept walking.

At around noon, when they were about to collapse and die, they saw a house. But not just any house, no. This was a full-sized house made out of gingerbread.

The kids, being very poor, had never eaten gingerbread before. But, being little kids, their first action upon finding a building made out of a strange substance was to lick it.

If you say you never licked a wall as a child you’re either lying or just don’t remember.

Anyways, the house was delicious. It was completely made out of cake and candy, and their nutrition-starved brains demanded they stuff as much of it into their mouths as they could handle. They’d been at it for a good ten minutes before a woman opened the door to find out what all the racket was about.

The children were very apologetic, and extremely afraid, but the woman just laughed.She told them to dig in, there was plenty for everyone. So they did.

The woman invited them in, and gave them plates of fish and potatoes, along with some vegetables in case they wanted them. And then more cake and candy. The kids were in heaven.

Being as malnutritioned as they were, they spent the first three days doing nothing but eating and sleeping. After that they started to have more energy, and began noticing things. They started to ask questions. After a week, they grew suspicious.

The woman noticed their suspicion, and decided it was time to end the “nice lady” charade. While they were sleeping, she locked Hansel in a giant birdcage and chained Gretel to the wall. When they woke up, she told Gretel that she was now a maid, and had better get to cleaning. And Hansel’s job was to eat. Just sit there and eat, getting nice and fat. The witch said that when he was fat enough, she would eat him.

This, quite understandably, frightened the kids. Yes, they owed her their lives, but that didn’t mean their lives were hers to take away. Plus they didn’t want to be eaten. Being eaten sounded painful.

A long time ago I wondered where all the food the witch gave them came from, since food doesn’t magically appear in unlimited quantities whenever you want it. Now mostly I wonder how the house wasn’t crawling with ants and roaches.

Anyways, Gretel learned how to properly scrub a floor and dust a ceiling. She was four, so she was still too young to be allowed to cook, but if she did all the housework then the witch didn’t have anything to do but make tasty meals for them.

Hansel sat in his cage, and probably would have murdered for a game console or coloring book or even a yo-yo. He just sat and ate and slept and ate.

The witch was about as blind as Little Red Riding Hood, cuz she couldn’t see how fat Hansel was getting. So every day she asked him to stick his finger out of the cage for her to feel. Instead of a finger, he held out a chicken bone.

The witch was like “dang, kid, how malnourished were you when you got here? It’s been a couple weeks, and you’re still just skin and bones?”

And Hansel was like “I would exaggerate, but our parents literally abandoned us so they wouldn’t have to watch us die of starvation. No exaggeration necessary.”

So time passed. Gretel got really fast at washing dishes, and Hansel nearly died of boredom.

After a month, the witch got bored. She wanted to eat a child, and she was tired of waiting! So she started up her oven, and pulled Hansel out of the cage. She shoved him in and locked the door.

Hansel, being super smart, was like “wow, it sure is cold in here!”

The witch had Gretel put more wood on the fire.

Hansel was like “dang, is it getting colder?”

The witch put more wood on the fire.

Hansel was like “does anyone have a coat or something? I’m freezing!”

At that point the witch was like “ok what the heck.” She unlocked the oven and pulled Hansel out.

She stuck her head in, and asked “what are you complaining about? It’s nice and warm in here!”

Hansel motioned to Gretel, and was like “nah, at the back there’s this icy breeze. Get further in.”

The witch, being a total idiot, climbed further in. The kids then grabbed her legs and pushed her in, locking the door behind her.

Gretel, having cleaned every last inch of the house, knew that the witch had a pile of gold in her bedroom. So the kids grabbed a pillowcase and filled it with gold, then took another pillowcase and filled it with candy, and ran away.

Now, my brain is telling me the kids had a couple of adventures on their way back home. One of those involved a giant duck. Pretty sure. But I can’t remember exactly, and I suspect those are only in there to buff up a wordcount, so I’ll skip to the end.

Hansel and Gretel, after being lost another couple days, found the road that led them back home. Their parents were super happy to see them, and shocked they’d put on weight. Hansel explained everything, and Gretel dumped out the bag of gold. The parents used the gold to buy food every day, and they lived happily ever after.

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Moral: Abandoning children in the forest is fiiiiiiiine…