"Fuck a duck, it is done," I said. "I mean, okay, sure, I had to dismantle our housekeeping robots and the fabricator to make it work, but... It's done! It works! I can see my house from here!"

I had, after a particularly large windfall, invested that money into a house in the suburbs on A-510. As someone who valued urban density and good public transportation infrastructure, that may seem hypocritical, but alas, an apartment building was not a good place to be doing mad science, and a house with more space than I'd need to actually live in it was the perfect solution for my needs.

Well. Okay, not perfect, but it was as good as I was going to get without making Taco Bell runs completely untenable.

"Hey, that's around the corner and up the street from here," Akane pointed out.

"Huh, so it is," I mused.

We were all gathered in the basement for this- Lisa and Nicky for moral support, and Akane for actual material support, because she was the only other demiurge in the house and therefore the only one qualified to actually help me build this.

Where we'd usually have just an ordinary display that was, in truth, just an ersatz TV or computer monitor made with mad science, we'd decided that this wasn't grandiose enough for this device, and also that it would make for some uncomfortable crowding around the screen while everyone rubbernecked. So instead, Akane rigged up a hologram projector, and not even a crappy Star Wars-y one that was monochrome blue. This shit was full color, all the way, and the projection of my house really did look just like my house would've in real life.

If I was viewing it from above, and also currently the size of a giant.

I'd only come home like that once, and only because Gravestone wrapped me in a mystical shroud beforehand.

"Alright, well, geography isn't the most interesting thing here, so-"

"Ooooh, find my alternate universe counterpart!" Lisa said.

"Find mine!" Nicky said.

"Nicky, your mother is a space alien from a planet that doesn't exist in A-510. I can try to find you a six foot tall woman with big tits and albinism, but that's as far as I can stretch it."

"...Point," Nicky admitted.

"And we'll do that later, because right now, I need to talk to some people," I said, mentally paging through the menu. "Let's start with..." The display shut off, and a sound like a phone ringing echoed from the speakers. "C'mon, c'mon, pick up..."

After the third ring, the phone was finally answered. "Doctor Arachne from the Institute For Applied Transhumanism speaking," Arachne said. "Who am I speaking to?"

"Doctor Updyke, also from the Institute For Applied Transhumanism," I said. "It's good to talk to you, Arachne."

"Roxy?" Arachne asked. "Is that really you?"

"Yep! I'm stuck on Earth B-944 for the foreseeable future, but on the plus side, I did finally figure out interdimensional scanners!"

"Hiiiii, Roxy's transhumanist researcher friend from another world!" Akane called.

"I also have new friends," I added.

"Well, good for you," Arachne said. "You always were a lonely one. I was worried about you, and I'm glad you called; we were all worried sick when you disappeared all those weeks ago."

"Don't be too glad, because I do have work for you," I said. "I need you to collate all of the information you can find about transhumanist mad science implants, and their implantation in druids."

"Drui- oh, you mean werewolves. I'll see what I can find, although that sounds more your wheelhouse."

"You're the one who's actually there on A-510," I said. "It'll be easier for you to manage. And in exchange... I owe you a research-related favor. Don't suppose you've got any questions reliant on interdimensional scanning to answer?"

"I might have a few, but not that many," Arachne said, skeptically. "But... I'm sure I'll think of something. In the meantime, you can satisfy my curiosity as to why you want to know about implanting mad science in werewolves to begin with."

"Well, one of my new girlfriends is a druid, and another is... a different sort of half-spirit we don't see often enough to recognize on A-510," I said. "I'd like to be able to give them copies of my Virtual Machine implant, for quality of life reasons, but I don't know how safe it would be to do so."

"Hrm... The Virtual Machine is an idea, rather than a chemical formulation or an implanted microchip or an artificially-grown gland. That might affect the way it reacts with half-spirits."

"Well, please check," I said. "I know the data isn't the cleanest, but... some is better than none."

"Some can give you false confidence where none makes you leave well enough alone. Nonetheless, I do take your meaning. I'll look into it, Doctor."

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

"Thank you, Arachne."

She hung up, and I sighed.

"Thank you for behaving during the call," I said, addressing Lisa and Nicky.

"I behaved too!" Akane said. "I didn't even offer to sweeten the deal with a bespoke softcore shoot!"

"...You need therapy," Nicky said. "Or to just get laid more often. Possibly both."

"We'll have to test it experimentally," Akane said sagely. "Now, Roxy, please take off your pants."

"Not now," I said. "I'm going to call someone else I used to work with, and bargain for some lessons for you in transformational sciences."

"Oooh, even better," Akane said, rubbing her hands together.

The interdimensional phone rang again, and this time, was picked up on the first ring.

"This is the office of Doctor Wales," Jonas said. "To what do I owe the pleasure of this call, Doctor Updyke?"

"I'm calling from Earth B-944," I explained. "I need your help to educate a colleague of mine in the field of transformational sciences."

"How thoroughly?" Jonas asked. "Where is this colleague at with the divine alchemy?"

"I can turn rabbits into gold and back, but I still can't quite figure out how to change the density of things," Akane said.

"Ah, I see. By my own notes, you're on the cusp of Stage 3. I've got a list of eureka observations here, which may help you breach the cusp. Ready when you are."

"Ready!" Akane said.

"You aren't transforming the matter itself, just the bonds between them," Jonas said.

Akane's face scrunched with thought as she rolled that around in her head. "Hrm... Maybe... Not quite?"

"Your transformations now obey the law of conservation of matter, and simply violate other laws instead."

"No..."

"Density is a false rabbit-hole for the overly-materialistic. Size is a quality, and it can be changed."

"Oh! Oh, that works!" Akane said. "Thank you! I think I've got it now!"

"Call me back tomorrow, after you've finished your latest gadget," Jonas said. "I'll want a copy of your schematics and a report on what you've learned, as well."

"Jonas is a bit of an odd duck for the Institute, but frankly, he's the most helpful member I've met since I joined, so I'm confident in saying it's us who're wrong and him who's right," I said. "He studies the pedagogy of transformational science, and collects information on how people learn it."

"How come you work at a research fellowship for cybernetic implants, if you study transformation?" Lisa asked.

"I didn't always study this particular subject," Jonas said. "What's more, the Institute itself wasn't always about cybernetic implants. Once upon a time, I was the model of a Transhumanist researcher. In my old age... I'm a teacher, at a very peculiar school for my specialty."

"Do you have an email address?" Akane asked. "I'd love to compare notes with you."

"I do, but Roxanne has it already, so I won't indignify us by speaking it aloud," Jonas said. "I may be in my sixties, but the first email ever sent was sent when I was a teenager, and I've made a habit of staying on top of the latest developments on the internet. Originally, it was just scholarly pride, but now it's an old man who delights in watching his young colleagues cringe themselves inside out every time I say memes out loud and make it look like an accident."

"You're an evil man, Doctor Wales," I said. "I respect that."

"You always were my salt bae, Doctor Updyke," Jonas said dryly.

"Oh that's bad," Nicky said, cringing herself inside out. "Oh god I thought he was exaggerating but no that is weapons-grade cringe."

"I better let you go, Jonas," I said. "Otherwise the peanut gallery is going to complain about you all month."

"Take care, Roxanne."

I hung up on him before he could be even more cursed, and I sighed.

"Congratulations, everyone," I said. "You've met half the people from Earth A-510 who I actually like."

"You're not exactly a social butterfly," Nicky said. "I'm not sure that says much."

"I mean, you've got four people you like here, too," Lisa added. "The three people you're fucking, and also Silas, who's the only Jew you know since your own idea of being religious doesn't involve actually going to church."

"Synagogue or shul, but yeah, I don't go," I said. "I'm not Jewish for a sense of community or faith, I'm Jewish because I act like it and I figured I might as well get some credit for it."

"And that includes a complicated relationship with the idea of faith?" Nicky asked.

"Yes, actually," I said. "Anyhow. Let's go back upstairs, I'll deal with the hookups for Akane in a minute."

"Ooooh, the game's gonna be on soon," Nicky said.

"Who's playing?" Akane asked.

"Eagles and Texans," Nicky said.

"I refuse to believe they let a National Football League team call themselves The Texans," I said.

"Look, Houston only has one thing to be proud of, and baseball already claimed the name 'Astros,'" Akane said.

"How about you two go upstairs and watch football, and Roxy and I can sit down here and watch some Gundam," Lisa suggested.

"What, without me?" Akane asked. "I've been watching every episode of Witch From Mercury with you!"

"We're getting Roxy up to speed on the original," Lisa said. "I started her out with War In The Pocket, because I figured it'd get her hooked."

"And she was right," I added. "Also, Witch From Mercury broadcasts on Saturday. It is Thursday. There is no new episode to watch."

"...Point," Akane admitted.

"So, don't worry, we'll still be watching the gay robot show with you," I said. "We're just going to watch a straight robot show while you watch football."

"Right, well, let's see if the maidbots can whip up some good dip for us," Nicky said.

"We don't have maidbots anymore," I said. "Remember? ET had to hock them for parts to phone home."

Nicky blinked.

"...Oh god we're gonna have to start doing chores again," she whispered.

"Welcome back to being in your twenties, Princess," I said. "The mop and the bucket are in the pantry."