"Yes, I really am that bored," I said.

Detective Brown sighed. "Well, you know what, I guess it would be nice to have a rubber duck."

It had been two weeks since Gideon James' arrest, and I'd found nothing useful in that time. Therefore, it was time to admit that people other than me were capable of doing things, and ask them for help. And so, here I was, talking to the 'real detectives' that Liquid Courage had given all of the 'mundane' leads to.

"Gideon was a fixer," Detective Brown continued. "He was given lists of goods and destinations they had to go to, and arranged the deliveries. Now, good covert operatives burn their documentation once they're done with it, but Gideon kept them in a thumb drive in his desk. So..."

"So, you're going to ask that I look through all these files myself and see what I come up with, because y'all haven't managed to piece anything useful together?" I asked.

"More or less," Detective Brown said, nodding. "One of us did put all of this into a neat little SQL database, and coded up an internal site that shows the locations on a map of Austin, but that's about all we've got so far. We're pretty sure that most of these are a smokescreen, or that Gideon was delivering to other operatives he knew nothing about, where they'd get moved further along to the actual operations."

"That's a pattern she's engaged in before, yeah," I said, nodding. "Multiple cells, cooperating unknowingly. And the only way to tell what's a smokescreen and what isn't is to actually look at the stuff being delivered, and know what's useful to her and what isn't."

"Which we don't, because she's a mad scientist, and we aren't," Detective Brown said, nodding. "For instance: is there any legitimate use she has at all for sex toys?"

"It depends on the sort," I said. "Anything made of silicone can, with the right techniques, be rendered back down into raw silicone, which has its uses... of course, she can also just buy silicone, and what I know of her methodology honestly doesn't use much of it. Vibrators can be a source of electronics, although again, those are electronics you can just buy. So... Generally, no, but she might be trying to be sneaky? Hard to tell without knowing more specific."

"In this case, it was a hundred and sixty vibrators," Detective Brown said, his attention fully glued to his laptop. "The sort with a vibrating 'bullet' paired with a remote."

"Hundred and sixty," I murmured. "...That's five batches of thirty two, which is two to the power of five."

"That supposed to mean something?" Detective Brown asked.

"She knows a trick for making big batches of mad science gadgets," I said. "Her batches are exactly thirty two gadgets. But, all the same, I have no idea what she'd be making that used... what, five vibrators apiece? Some sort of weird-ass mind control device, maybe, but... Well, again, I can't be sure."

"So, we're on the lookout for anything that comes in multiples of 32?" Detective Brown asked.

"More or less, yeah," I said, nodding. "In fact- do you mind letting me use your computer for a moment? If everything is in a SQL database, I know how to make it automatically spit out everything that fits the bill."

"The guy who set up the database knows how to do it too," Detective Brown said. "We'll get the results back to you soon."

"Can I just get the database itself?" I asked.

"No."

----------------------------------------

"Fucking departmental territoriality," I muttered under my breath.

"Hi, what can I get for you?" the barista asked as she finished with the guy in front of me.

"Oh, right, uh. Can I get a medium black coffee and a-" I paused, checking Nicky's order. "...my roommate said 'a venti JFK hot chocolate.'"

"JFK means three shots of espresso," the barista explained, writing down my order. Macabre. I like it. "Anything else?"

"...Yeah, can I get two slices of pound cake with that?"

"Sure! Name?"

"Roxy. Can I get all that to go, please?"

"Certainly."

I paid for my order, and went off to the side to wait for it to be prepared.

"Sorry about that," I continued quietly, my finger back to my ear to hide the fact I did not actually have an earpiece in. "Line was shorter than I thought."

"Hey, I'm not complaining about getting my hot brown sooner than expected," Nicky said. "Anyway, you've been consumed by work lately. How about we take your mind off of it with some good old-fashioned video games? Delay your inevitable stress-induced death by a little while?"

"Ah, right, that Factorio modpack you've been working on," I said, ignoring the 'you're working too much' nagging. Some of us have shit to contribute to an investigation, Nicky. I can't afford to 'take it easy' or 'take a nap' or whatever. If shabbat was enough for the ancients, then it's enough for me. "Finally got it worked out to the point you're willing to test it on an actual noob?"

"More or less, yeah," Nicky said. "Plus, I'm finally done with your VTuber avatar. We can start whenever you're ready."

Love this story? Find the genuine version on the author's preferred platform and support their work!

"Fair enough. You're gonna have to walk me through a few things before we start, though."

"To-go order for Roxy?" the barista called out.

"Aaaaand that's our order. I'll see you at home. Shabbat shalom."

----------------------------------------

"Alright, chat, everyone say hi to Roxy, she's my roommate, and to my knowledge, she's never played modded Factorio before," Nicky said. "Right?"

"I mean, I've played a bit of regular Factorio, and I've seen people play modded Factorio," I said. "But no, I never really played modded Factorio myself."

"Alright. Well, this modpack is basically about giving you more stuff to manage. It makes the early game slower and longer, but it also makes the late game longer and more interesting."

"Oh dear, Factorio early game," I said. "You're on coal-ferrying duty."

"Is that any way to treat a lady?"

"We'll find out if one ever joins us. Right now it's just me and my bitch roommate."

Nicky cackled.

----------------------------------------

"Ugh, all these fucking burner machines," I groaned. "I gave up on Satisfactory because it had the unmitigated gall to lock fully-automated power behind Tier 3 out of 8, and made me gather twigs and leaves to hand-shovel into the fucking generators. Compared to this modpack, however, Satisfactory may as well have given me an ice cream sundae and a blowjob. Look at this! Look at all these burner inserters, and these burner assemblers, and the fucking burner labs! This is inhumane! How can anyone live like this!"

"So you're saying an option to toggle the early game extension would be appreciated," Nicky said diplomatically.

"The mod designer kissing my ass would be appreciated," I said. "Factorio is interesting and fun because you've gotta design your factory around throughput, space limitations, and upgradability. What is not fun about Factorio is walking around mindlessly refilling coal reservoirs or hand-placing buildings into your blueprint."

"We've got nanobots in this modpack."

"And we don't have them right now, so that doesn't help me any."

"Oh, chat wants you to know that you sound like an accountant who plays Call of Duty."

"Tell them I'm a bounty hunter who plays Dark Souls."

"Do you actually?"

"No, I work in IT."

"...I meant the Dark Souls bit."

"I do play Dark Souls, yes. It's basically just Devil May Cry for people who don't like Mortal Kombat."

"I hate that I can understand that. Oh- chat wants us to do an Elden Ring co-op stream."

"Is chat aware that your brand seems to be factory games, and that doing an Elden Ring co-op stream would be a wild change of pace that many of your viewers may not be terribly interested in?"

"Chat is generally not aware of anything."

----------------------------------------

"Okay, the ore processing thing is a little convoluted, but I think I kinda like it," I said. "It's simultaneously simpler, because one ore patch, properly processed, will give you both iron and copper, but also more complicated, because one ore patch will give you both iron and copper, and you've gotta deal with that."

"Of course, right now it's less efficient than the earlier smelting process, but once we unlock advanced iron and copper smelting, it'll be more efficient," Nicky said. "And, also, more complicated."

"Well, duh, it's Factorio," I said. "Complexity increases to infinity. Oh, hey, chat has another question for me."

"Oh goddammit," Nicky said. "You people really don't trust me? Tell them, Roxy. Tell them I really am a busty blonde in real life."

This was one of Nicky's running jokes on her stream, where she made a true statement in such a way that everyone thought she was joking. Because, well, if she really was a busty blonde, then she'd be a much more successful titty streamer rather than a middling vtuber, right?

Unless, of course, she had a good reason to not want people to know what she looks like.

"She looks exactly like Black Cat from Spider-Man, yes," I said. "Even the haircut and the skintight black catsuit with the gratuitous cleavage. It's the weirdest thing, apparently that's not even clothing. She just looks like that."

"Thank you," Nicky said.

"You get used to a sexy roommate pretty quickly, but it will never stop being funny every time she's eating something and food just drops straight down into her cleavage. One time I asked her to help me make cookies and she fumbled an entire cup of sugar on herself. It was hilarious."

"You called me sugartits at the time, which was very funny, but only in hindsight," Nicky said.

"Yeah, I imagine dumping sweetened sand straight down your bra wasn't a fun experience in the moment," I said.

Of course, this did not actually happen. For one, Nicky's outfits didn't have much in the way of cleavage just as a general rule. Two, she actually wasn't very clumsy, and I'd never witnessed her dropping food on herself in the three-ish months I'd known her.

Three, this incident actually happened to Akane, who'd had a better sense of humor about the whole thing.

"Bra? Pft," Nicky said. "I don't wear a bra. I don't need a bra. Rip to all the other women with big tits, but I'm built different."

"I am literally in the same room as you right now," I said. "I can see the outline of the bra strap through your shirt."

I mean, it was actually true that she didn't need one; someone with gravity-based powers had no need for external support. She still wore one anyways, though, because she'd made the executive decision that other people weren't permitted to see her nipples through her shirt.

"No you can't. That's just a mole."

"Nicky, it's like six inches long."

"I've got a really fucked up skin condition."

I snorted. "Whatever. Did you sort out the research section?"

"I did. Oh, chat wants to know what you look like, too."

"What, is my webcam not working?" I asked. "Chat, you know what I look like. You guys can see me."

"You look like a 3D model of a demon with big tits and bigger horns?" Nicky asked.

"Of course I do," I said. "You're my roommate, you know what I look like. We're sitting in the same room."

"Ah, right, my mistake. Sorry, I'm just so terminally online I forget that I can look at things that aren't a computer screen or my own bloodshot eyes in the mirror at three in the morning as I wonder how my life became this."

"Or your own tits."

"Or my own tits, which are so big you guys, I promise, just so thick and fat and juicy. I also look at those, you're right."

"Right, well. Now that I've got this goddamn metal setup done with... I think I'm done for tonight. I'm gonna go get started on dinner."

"Bye. Oh, chat says bye too."

"Goodbye, internet weirdos who sometimes draw uncomfortably horny fanart of my roommate. Leave me out of this."