"Sit and be welcome, Druid," I said, depositing my plate on the table and the fox in the empty seat.

"A werefox," Veronica repeated, disbelieving.

"Won't she be stuck like that until the full moon or something?" Akane asked.

"How about you two just shut up for now," I said, patting them both on the head, which Akane seemed fine with, and which Veronica tolerated with obvious ill temper, possibly because I still had barbecue sauce on my fingers. "Eat, Druid. I offer you my hospitality freely, in accordance with the respect owed your kind."

The fox looked at me, before suddenly, it wasn't a fox, and instead, a skinny, foul-smelling red-headed girl sat in the chair, chowing down on day-old barbecue. Her clothing had clearly gone an unreasonable amount of time between washings, and the closest thing to an accessory she had was a surprisingly nice leather collar that sat halfway up her neck.

"Whoa," Akane said quietly. "Is the transformation all or nothing?"

"Not at all," I said. "Fine control over the transformation is a talent that must be developed, of course, but it is one that all druids have at least some capacity for."

"News to me," the redhead said, licking her lips to gather up some remaining sauce. "Why the hell are you calling me 'Druid,' though?"

"Well, for one, I don't know your name," I said with a shrug. "More importantly, though... that's what you are. A druid. A human who has formed a spirit half in the shape of a patron animal, gaining the ability to change shapes and deal with the spirit world. Werewolf is commonly used as a catch-all, because werewolves are the most common type of druid, but all sorts of patron animals exist, not just canines. Werebears, werecrows, weresharks... If it's an animal that's important enough to enough people to form a patron spirit, then it can be a druid's spirit-half."

"And what precisely about these druids makes them so worthy of reverence, in your opinion?" Veronica asked, giving the filthy homeless person I'd brought onto our porch the stink eye.

"Well, you know, there's the part where they can enter the spirit world and make deals with spirits to accomplish all sorts of things," I said. "Such as, say, witnessing and making binding all sorts of oaths and promises. I personally swore a spirit-backed oath to respect druids and offer druids hospitality, and I don't see any reason to break it today."

"How far does 'hospitality' extend, here?" the young druid asked.

"You won't be the first druid to crash on my couch," I said blandly.

"Yes, well, it is not your couch, is it?" Veronica said. "As you pointed out, this is Akane's house, which she is graciously allowing us to live in."

"So do you like being scratched behind the ears?" Akane said, ignoring us and addressing the druid.

"As a fox, yes," the druid said.

"Akane seems fine with this arrangement," I observed. "Look, just... humor me, okay? Trust me to know what I'm doing."

Veronica wrestled with herself, likely trying to synthesize 'I barely know Roxy' with 'Akane, while bright-eyed, is not stupid, and does know and trust Roxy' and probably a little 'One of the things I know for a fact about Roxy is that she is from another world and knows things I don't, and another is that she's a skilled professional.'

"...Fine," Veronica said, looking away.

----------------------------------------

"So, Druid," I began.

The robot cleaning crew had finally finished, and the werefox had been given first go at the shower, along with a fuzzy fleece bathrobe straight out of the dryer. Her clothing had gone into the washing machine, and all further arrangements had been postponed for this moment, when she was out of the shower. Her collar, though, was still on her neck.

"...It occurs to me we never exchanged names," I said. "I'm Dr. Roxanne Updyke, but I go by Roxy. The lady with the black hair who keeps asking questions is Akane Sakurai, my apprentice. The both of us are demiurges- think 'mad scientist' and you'll be almost entirely correct. And the woman with the white hair is Veronica Vega, who you might've heard of before. I actually have no idea how famous she is, relatively speaking."

"Fair enough," the druid said, sitting on the recliner. "Well... My name... is Lisa Fox."

"Bullshit," Veronica said.

"Oh, I'm sorry, is her name too whimsical for you, Miss Veronica Vega?" I asked. "You don't even fully appreciate how obnoxious her name is! Lisa isn't just a normal name for a woman to have, it's also the Russian word for Fox!"

"See, you get me," Lisa said, flashing me a wolfish grin.

"Anyhow, I'd suggest introducing yourself as Lisa K. Fox, and when people ask what the K stands for, tell them it stands for Kitsune," I said. "If you're gonna commit to the bit, you should really commit to it."

"I'll take it under advisement, Doctor Updyke," Lisa said.

"Oh, and, just to clear the air, yes, I am trans," I said. There was no way in hell Lisa wasn't trans; quite aside from the physical tells, which were subtle but also somewhat unreliable given that cis women aren't a monolith, there was the attitude she had towards her own name. That was very clearly a chosen name, and equally clearly, it was one she had fun coming up with.

The author's narrative has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

There was, of course, also the fact that Lisa was homeless, which was... less whimsical and fun.

"Hormones were kind to you," Lisa said, glancing at my rack.

"Oh, this was all mad science," I said.

"Well... you seem to already know, but... yeah, I'm trans too," Lisa said. Knew it.

"They're both cis," I said, gesturing at Veronica and Akane. "For now, anyway."

"And just what is that supposed to mean?" Veronica asked.

"Are we going to be nonbinary when you're done with us?" Akane asked, before gasping. "Ooooh, call that a forcethemme." She cackled as Veronica groaned.

"So, what do you people do all day?" Lisa asked.

"Well, Akane's a grad student," I said. "I'm Akane's mad science mentor."

"I need to introduce you to my advisor at some point," Akane added.

"And Veronica's a professional superhero," I said. "...I actually have no idea what she does all day. This is the start of us living together."

"Are you gonna be Lisa's mentor too?" Akane asked.

"I absolutely am not, because I am not a druid," I said, before turning back to Lisa. "I mean, sure, if there's some other body of knowledge you wanna learn from me, I can teach you what I know, but there are just so many things to know about being a druid that I can't teach you. I don't know how to step sideways into the spirit realm, I don't know how you can control your change finely enough to grow fox ears and a tail while remaining human, and I have absolutely zero clue how to go about cutting deals with spirits and learning the typical druidic spirit-magic."

"...You seem to know more about druids than I do," Lisa pointed out.

"I had some formal education in noctoseismology," I said. "But I just know what druids do, not how they do it. Why would I? Up until a month ago, I lived in a universe where there were plenty of experienced druids around, and any stray greenhorns I found could be handed off for training with the people who actually knew what the fuck they were doing."

"You're from another universe?" Lisa asked.

"Yeah, Earth A-510," I said. "Don't ask why it's called that, I don't know."

"...Can you contact that other universe?" Lisa asked.

"N- well. Not currently," I amended. "One of my specialties is scanners, which happens to include communication devices. I might be able to figure out how to finally pierce the veil between dimensions and phone home, but... That'll take some time."

"How much time?" Lisa asked.

"God knows," I said with a shrug. "I'm good at what I do, but that's still a very advanced application. Maybe I'll catch lightning in a bottle and figure it out in a week. Or maybe it'll take so goddamn long that I have to postpone it until after we've dealt with our current, more pressing crisis. I don't know."

"Speaking of current, pressing issues," Akane began.

"Oh?" Lisa asked.

"We need to establish where the boundaries are with you and pets and scratches behind the ear," Akane said.

"...Really."

"Yes, really! Lisa, I want so badly to pet a fox without contributing to the ethical minefield that is the ongoing fox domestication program," Akane said. "But if I'm going to do that, I need to know you're okay with that, and I'm pretty sure you can't talk in fox form. So... explicit, intentional social protocols."

"Sorry to burst your bubble, but I put up with it from Roxy because she was offering food," Lisa said. "I didn't end up as a werefox, a solitary animal, by being really social."

"Awww..." Akane complained. "Fine... Hey, Roxy, how hard is it to use mad science to turn someone into a fox?"

"Ears, fur, and a tail are easy," I said. "Becoming a fifteen pound quadruped, however, is one of the hardest things to do. Now, are you asking because you just really like foxes, or is there something else going on here? Did you read Animorphs as a kid? Or is transformation going to be one of your specialties?"

"Oooooh..." Akane said, excited by the prospect of learning things.

"Anyway, before we get too deep into that, there is still the question of where Miss Fox is going to sleep," I said, returning my attention to Lisa. "Do you typically sleep in fox form? Because that'll make this a lot easier."

"It's more comfortable that way, yeah," Lisa said.

"Great. Veronica, would you mind running an errand?"

"Allow me to guess," Veronica said. "You are about to ask me to go to Petsmart to buy a dog bed and a leash for your new pet foxgirl."

"...I was actually going to ask you to go to Target to buy some extra pillows and another blanket," I said. "But, y'know, if you wanna make this a petplay thing, go ahead. Just check with Lisa before you do."

"She is already wearing a collar..."

"I know, it's weird, right?" Lisa asked. "Because if anyone's a bitch here, it's you."

"...You win this round," Veronica said, grudgingly.

"Are you going to get a leash and a collar for yourself?" I asked. "Because I'm pretty sure you did just get owned."

"Alright, that's enough."

"Akane, you got anything?" I added.

"Mmm... No, not really," Akane said.

"I will go grab a hat and a backpack," Veronica said. "I would prefer to not be recognized during this errand."

"Aw, you sure?" Akane asked. "You do look pretty fetching."

"I know where you sleep, woman."

Veronica continued to grumble wordlessly, heading upstairs and returning in a delightfully inconspicuous outfit, including a loose hoodie, some aviator shades- because fuck you, Akane, I'm not the only one who thinks they look good- and a baseball cap. She left through the front door, and flew off rather than taking Akane's car or dubiously-usable motorcycle.

"You're not doing anything tomorrow, are you?" I asked, turning to face Akane.

"Nope," Akane said, shaking her head. "I keep my weekends free."

"Cool. Well, if this isn't too much of an infringement, I have an idea for what your last aptitude might be," I said. "Wanna try something out tomorrow?"

"Do I want to do more mad science?" Akane asked, affronted that I was asking. "Does the Pope shit in the woods?"

"I certainly hope he doesn't," I said. "That sounds unhygenic."

"I guess it would also be hard to get to the woods from the Vatican and back on a regular basis," Akane said, tapping her chin.

"Are you people always like this?" Lisa asked.

"You'll get used to it," I said.

"That's what I'm afraid of."