"I had thought people from Earth A-510 would be harder to find," Valiant said, his back turned to me, as he watched the sun set over the Colorado River. "That it would take longer than two weeks before you went native, slugging it out at a gas station."

I grimaced. "In my defense, public confrontations are a customary part of our toolkit, but usually with the intent to force someone's compliance with the threat of public action. Here, however, it's less of a threat... and then, there is the fact that 8-Ball is a clown."

A few hours had passed. In the meantime, 8-Ball had been arrested on charges of aggravated assault and attempted abduction, and I had been tapped to surgically remove their armor, since nobody else could safely handle it. I'd then destroyed the armor, so that there would be nothing for 8-Ball to salvage, as well as nothing for the mundanes to trip over and hurt themselves with, and then claimed it was the only way to remove it.

Also in that time, Akane had received a lot of hugs to try and calm her down, with Veronica eventually picking the girl up and flying her back to the apartment. I'd taken the motorcycle back to the storage facility, after thoroughly checking it over and finding a tracking bug that I also destroyed. After that, I'd deployed my four largest tentacles, tied my keffiyeh into a mask, and lept from rooftop to rooftop, clambering up and over buildings to reach my appointment with Valiant atop a building that he didn't own.

He'd said the rooftop venue was a courtesy- neutral ground, and the implicit reminder that, if I didn't like what he was saying, I could leave at any time. He must have a lot of experience dealing with hotheaded young people with enough power to make that everyone's problem.

"I won't argue with that," Valiant allowed. The man himself was in burnished bronze power armor, bulky around the back and shoulders, with a number of lines that looked decorative but were quite likely structural corrugations to improve stiffness. "Well. At any rate, I feel I should put your fears to rest." He turned around, making a slight gesture with one hand that created a holographic display, containing... emails? "When you came through, I had no intention of deporting you, and in fact, intended to offer you a job- with the understanding that you could say no and still live in peace. That you hacked a government computer and modified the memory of my friend is... slightly straining, but Liquid Courage and I have both long learned the lesson of forgiveness."

"...I see," I said.

"Given the recent revelations, however, I am even more keen to get on your good side," Valiant said. "If you help us root out and be rid of this mind-controlling cult leader before they take over the world... well, you can name your price."

"Full decriminalization of recreational drugs and sex work?" I suggested.

"Unfortunately, I don't get to make national policy decisions like that," Valiant said. "I was offering something more on the order of ten million dollars."

"Oh, boo," I said. "Not even a full billion?"

"Unfortunately, Doctor, I don't have a billion dollars," Valiant said. "I am in charge of the superheroic equivalent of special forces, not the entire superhero infrastructure of the United States."

"Hey, you said I could name my price," I said.

"Yes, and I regret having said that."

"Seriously, though," I said. "A modern fighter jet costs, what, a hundred million dollars? Is stopping Doctor Skinner not worth a single fighter jet to you?"

"In point of fact, after the redesign and retooling overseen by Dr. Sakurai, a modern fighter jet costs about nine million dollars to produce," Valiant said. "But, if you're going to insist on higher compensation, I can kick this up the chain and see how much I can get."

"I might," I began, "be convinced to accept a nice pension instead of a single lump sum."

"Five hundred thousand a year until you die," Valiant said, nodding.

"Six hundred thousand."

"Five fifty."

"Adjusting for annual inflation."

"...Fine," Valiant said.

"Anyhow, to what extent are you expecting to control me while dealing with Dr. Skinner?" I asked. "Because I do not work well with commanding officers or bosses of any sort."

"Well, as it so happens, we also have a legal framework for independent bounty hunters," Valiant began.

"Oh, that," I said. "Yeah, I'm familiar."

"...Are you the one who brought in Hordemaster?" Valiant asked.

"Eyup," I said. "Jackass didn't have any kind of anti-scanning field. So, standard bounty contract, then?"

"I suppose so," Valiant said.

This book was originally published on Royal Road. Check it out there for the real experience.

"Oh," I added. "Before I can get any work done, I'm gonna need proper documentation saying I'm an American citizen and all that. I've hacked a few databases as-is, but I'd like to have that legitimized by an authority figure instead of worrying if or when I'll get got."

Valiant stood there, silent and motionless, for a good few seconds.

"I would appreciate it," he said quietly, "if you would be more tactful in telling me the ways someone like you can bend the American Government over a table."

"Man, one of the first tricks I learned was getting into computer systems I shouldn't be in and rewriting their databases," I said. "I can, at any time I want, completely rewrite a bank's entire database. I'm asking you for money just so I don't get caught."

"I will give you seven hundred thousand dollars a year on the condition that I never hear from you again once this is done," Valiant said.

"I plan to retire after this job, anyhow," I said.

"At any rate," Valiant said. "You seem to already be on speaking terms with Lady Venus; I've assigned her a discretionary budget for dealing with this emergency, and as such she will be the one holding the purse strings if you need money before the job is done."

"Or, I could just take an afternoon to hunt a smaller bounty for pocket money," I said. "That reminds me- I need to acquire lodgings that're more amenable to mad science."

"...What would that entail?" Valiant asked.

"In all honesty?" I said. "A particularly large basement, which is something that I both can and will have to install myself. I bear no delusions about what Texan architectural trends are like."

Valiant nodded. "In that case, you may be best served buying an empty lot, and building a house on top of that. Provided you know anything about construction..."

"That's a fun thing about we demiurges," I said. "You know how some smart people think their expertise in one subject means they're competent at everything on account they're smart? Well, for the most part, it does, in fact, actually work that way for Demiurges, provided we have some relevant knowledge."

"Every time you open your mouth, I lose another month off my life," Valiant said.

"Oh, that reminds me," I said. "I need to inflict my notes on vampires, werewolves, wizards, and mad scientists on you fairly soon, before those sorts start making hideous amounts of trouble. Dr. Skinner has a very powerful anti-scanning shield, and a functioning portal gun. If you think she isn't going to introduce vampires to this world to raise an army of darkness, you are woefully mistaken."

"Of course she will be," Valiant said. "Please tell me that sunlight works?"

"A few seconds of sunlight will inflict worse than third-degree burns," I said. "However, it has to be either true sunlight, or something with the metaphysical weight of true sunlight. A commercially-available sun lamp from a terrarium or indoor farm won't do anything. You can stake them through the heart with wood, and this will paralyze them indefinitely; I've successfully done it with a wood-shafted arrow, but only with exceptional, overpenetrating aim. Holy water does nothing, but fire hurts them far more than it does humans, and the mere sight of it in a stressful situation can send them into an unthinking panic."

"...Huh," Valiant said. "Granted, fire and arrows through the heart are harmful to normal humans as well, so they are not precisely foolproof diagnostics, but if we know there are vampires..."

"Vampires are, in general, difficult to detect without using techniques I am genuinely incapable of teaching you," I said. "But, if you manage to take one in... not alive, but mobile, I can confirm it is one, and maybe you can develop a local, superpower-based technique for detecting them."

"How..." Valiant paused, considering his words. "...congenitally unreasonable, shall we say, are vampires?"

"Not any more so than humans," I said. "It is the case that becoming a vampire is bad for your mental health, as being forced to prey upon humans for survival can slowly teach them that it's okay to do this sort of thing, but if you're proposing a pre-emptive public outreach program for fresh vampires to make them not eat people, I think that might work."

"Might?" Valiant asked.

"The Masquerade means it cannot really be practically tried, where I'm from," I said. "You would be breaking new ground."

Valiant sighed.

"Give me some contact information," I said. "I'll get you the notes immediately."

----------------------------------------

At long last, I returned home, to find Akane and Veronica curled up on the couch, watching a movie. The slight pang of jealousy abated when Akane perked up like a clingy puppy, her pupils dilating to the size of saucers as she recognized me.

"You spoke with Valiant?" Veronica said, gently placing a restraining hand on Akane's shoulder.

I didn't say anything, just nodded mutely as I walked into the kitchen. I opened up the fridge, and pulled out a key lime pie I'd made the night before. Then I opened up the oven, and pulled out a pavlova that I'd made earlier today with the leftover egg whites. It needed whipped cream, and I was beyond having to hide anything from them, so I extruded a tentacle to open the fridge again and grab the can, before spraying a thick coating on top.

"In victory, you deserve champagne," I quoted. "In defeat, you need it." Another tentacle fetched some plates, while a third grabbed forks and a pair of butter knives. "After the afternoon we've just had..." I sat down on the end of the couch, setting out plates and forks, and beginning to carve myself a thick slice of key lime pie. "...Dig in, girls."

"What is this?" Veronica asked, peering at the pavlova.

"A big meringue cake called pavlova," I said. "Egg whites whipped to stiff peaks, plus a lot of sugar, a bit of corn starch, and a dash of lime juice. I always make meringue alongside key lime pie; the custard calls for egg yolks, and I don't want to throw the whites away, so... two desserts instead of one."

"Ooooh, clever," Akane said.

"So, what accord did you reach with Valiant?" Veronica asked.

"Well, I'm remaining a licensed bounty hunter," I said. "However, I am now also an outside consultant on Noctoseismology, being as I am this planet's foremost expert."

"Oooh, Noctoseismology," Akane said. "I like that word."

"It is an odd word," Veronica said. "What is it supposed to mean, though?"

"It's about vampires and werewolves," I said. "Ghosts and spirits. Gods and monsters. Wizards and wonders." I took a bite of key lime pie, letting my eyes close in quiet joy. "Noctoseismology is the study of things that go bump in the night."