"You're a convert, right?" Silas asked. "I feel like you've mentioned it at some point."

"I am, yes," Roxy said, nodding. "Why?"

"The more passionate a Jew is, the more likely they are to hold strange opinions," Silas said. "And converts are people who are passionate enough about Judaism to abandon their previous faith for it. So... You likely have at least one strange opinion about Judaism, and I'd like to hear it."

"Hrm..."

"Is this a test?" Akane asked.

"No, no, he damn well knows better," Roxy said, waving off Akane's concerns without looking at her. "What he wants is to start a good, old-fashioned, down-home, traditional, neighborly Halachic Nitpicking Session. And on that note, I think I got something for you. I think that American Jews specifically should forbid circumcision."

"...Now that is one hell of a take," Silas said. "What brought you to that position?"

"So, it's kind of known that circumcision is meant to be an indelible physical marker of Judaism," Roxy explained. "To separate the Jews from the Gentiles. Well, the thing is, in America, the circumcision rate is like eighty percent. When I converted, I couldn't get circumcised, because I already was. If you really were to check someone's penis to determine if they're Jewish, you would not be able to tell, in America. Not unless the Jewish method of circumcision is special and looks different."

"That... is a compelling argument," Silas said.

"Now, obviously, you can't just remove a Jewish cultural tradition without replacing it with a more suitable equivalent," Roxy continued. "Which is why I suggest replacing circumcision with a Magen David tattoo on the foreskin."

"That'll be a hard sell," Silas said. "Moreover, I don't think I quite like it as much as the alternative I've just thought of."

"Go on?"

"Keep the circumcision, but supplement it with a shin tattooed on the shaft," Silas said. "Along with that, add in a little ritual of kissing it like a mezuzah every time you drop your pants."

"Oh, I like that," Roxy said.

"I wasn't aware Jewish people typically had the flexibility to kiss their own penises," Nicky mused.

"You don't directly kiss a mezuzah, to be fair," Silas said. "You kiss your fingers and then touch the mezuzah. Or touch the mezuzah and kiss your fingers. It depends. Personally, though, I would advise against a practice of casually touching your penis before putting your fingers to your mouth."

"I'm not a coward," Lisa said.

"I can tell."

"What's a mezuzah again?" Akane whispered to Nicky.

"That thing Roxy nailed to the frame of the front door that she touches every time she walks inside," Nicky whispered back.

"Personally, I think it'd fall afoul of marit ayin, the rule against doing things that look like they aren't allowed," Roxy said. "On the grounds that it may lead goyim to think it is acceptable to deepthroat a mezuzah, which I imagine would only be funny if it wasn't your mezuzah getting slonked."

"I suddenly have in my head the outline of a Jewish porn comic," Lisa began, very auspiciously, "In which someone's non-Jewish girlfriend gets invited over for dinner and sucks off the mezuzah so hard that the house itself cums- possibly by ejaculating smoke through the chimney, or just shooting cum out of the mezuzah."

"...Thank you for that image, it will haunt me for eternity," Roxy said, before turning to face Silas again. "Anyway, what's your weird take on Halacha?"

"Do you think we've mined all of the argument we can out of the circumcision topic?" Silas asked.

"Well, I already checked with a rabbi, who assured me that I didn't have to circumcise my tentacles," Roxy said. "There's not much left to argue about. And I'd really like to move on before Lisa learns what a minyan is and how many candles a hannukiyot has."

"A minyan is a group of ten Jewish men- although many communities accept Jewish women as counting towards a minyan," Silas said immediately. "There are, also, nine candles in a hannukiyah- hannukiyot is the plural form- which is more commonly known as a menorah."

"You rat bastard," Roxy spat.

"So for the sequel, the girlfriend converts to Judaism," Lisa said, grinning. "And she's at a hannukah celebration back at college, and there's only nine guys there, and in an attempt to convince them that she totally counts for a minyan, she blows them all and makes a really stretched metaphor between their dicks and the candles."

"That's not how you use a menorah, though," Nicky pointed out. "You use the central helper candle to light one additional candle every night. So it would be one top and eight bottoms, over the course of eight nights, with the top fucking one more bottom every night."

The author's tale has been misappropriated; report any instances of this story on Amazon.

"I would like to stop contemplating biblically accurate pornography," Roxy said.

"I love this family," Akane said.

"I don't," Roxy said. "Silas, it's time for you to share a Wild Take."

"Oh, that's easy," Silas said. "I don't believe in pikuach nefesh."

"You what?!" Roxy yelled.

"What's pikachu nefertiti?" Lisa asked.

"Pikuach nefesh is the principle in Jewish law that nearly every rule is secondary to the preservation of human life," Roxy said. "As an example, if it is a choice between eating pork, which is not kosher, and starving to death, you are not only allowed but required to eat the pork so that you may live another day."

"When it comes to the preservation of other people's lives, I'm perfectly at peace with the ruling," Silas said. "But, as a sort of chumra-"

"A what?" Roxy asked.

"Putting a fence around the Torah," Silas said.

"That... doesn't make it clear."

"Taking a more restrictive reading of a mitzvah for spiritual safety."

"Ah, so like a Judaism challenge mode."

"Yes except no, and also shut up and let me finish," Silas said. "As a self-imposed restriction, I believe that a principled man who abandons those principles when the going gets tough does not actually have principles. If I were to violate mitzvot to save my own skin... would my skin be worth saving?"

"According to halacha, yes, unambiguously," Roxy said. "Remember, one of those principles is that the preservation of human life comes before all others, including your own. It's only once you start entertaining things like the Trolley Problem that your reading starts to be worthwhile."

"So it's only permissible to give his own life in not breaking the rules if he honestly believes it'll save more lives?" Lisa asked.

"More lives in the immediate term," Roxy said. "Like, let's say some supervillain captured him and offered him a really weird Sophie's Choice: a set of ropes have been hooked up to a bacon sandwich. If he eats it, the ropes will go slack, and he'll go free, but five civilians will be dropped into a vat of acid. But if he doesn't eat it, the civilians will manage to escape, but then he'll die of heat stroke because he's really near to the furnace vent or something, I don't fucking know."

"Truly, you are a master of creating ethical thought experiments," Silas said.

"Do you have any idea how hard it is to come up with scenarios where violating mitzvot would save your own life but endanger multiple others?" Roxy demanded. "I'm doing the best I can, here!"

"Suppose there's a reactor melting down, and I'm the only one who can stop it from killing dozens," Silas said. "However, stopping it would mean contracting acute radiation poisoning and dying in agony within the day. Meanwhile, this is happening on a Saturday, when work is forbidden."

"If you keep flexing on me, I'm going to stop inviting you to my house," Roxy threatened.

"Promises, promises."

"What I'm curious about is why you're so hell-bent on finding ways to throw your life away to make a point," Lisa said. "Do you not like your life?"

"It has its ups and downs, but ultimately... Life, in the abstract, is precious," Silas said. "But a life... Well. A life can be given in service to a cause. This is what duty is- a genuine, heartfelt conviction that there are things more important than yourself. That, should an opportunity present itself where risking your life will further your cause, you will do it. That, yes, life is precious; for your sake was the world created. But there are things more precious than one's life."

"The problem is somewhat adjacent to marit ayin," Roxy said. "It sets a bad example for whoever looks up to you as a role model, in the sense that it encourages them to ignore their own health and safety when those things become inconvenient, and may foster or contribute to a culture of expecting everyone to act in such a way. And we do not sacrifice our children. Not to Bael, not to God, not to the economy or the community. Not to anything. The injunction against sacrificing your life is for more than just your sake, Silas. Halacha can be interpreted and halacha can be argued with, but for all that halacha is not in heaven, never forget that halacha is smarter than you."

Silas sighed.

"You may be but ash and dust," Roxy continued, softly, "but do not forget that this world was made for you."

"Not for me alone," Silas said. "For all of us. I have a duty to the people I share a planet with. To all of them, whether I like them or not. The needs of the many..."

"You cannot serve from an empty vessel," Roxy said. "You're no good to us dead, Silas."

"I understand that quite well," Silas said. "It's just that..." He sighed. "Perhaps it is unhealthy, but, this self-effacing attitude is a specific adaptation to a very real problem I faced as a young man, a problem that I cannot be sure is truly gone. To discard it would be unwise, and possibly impractical. I no longer know who I would be without it."

Roxy grunted. "I guess I'm responsible for looking after you, then. Lord knows you need it."

"Roxy, please don't adopt my uncle," Akane said.

"It's not my fault he's sitting here all adoptable-like!" Roxy protested.

"I feel the need to mention that I am more than twice your age," Silas said, smirking lightly. "You can try the Batdad or Wolverine routine on me, but I can't guarantee it'll work."

"If you're going to be adopting a pathetic wet cat of a middle-aged man, can you adopt my father, next?" Nicky asked. "My mother wouldn't even notice he's gone."

"Absolutely not," Silas said.

"That depends on how sympathetic he is," Roxy mused.

"He is not, he is an awful wretch, and you do not want him, not even for the challenge of fixing him," Silas warned.

"You managed to fix my dad!" Nicky said.

"No, I created a less insufferable clone of your father, which involved being elbow-deep in the clone's brain for years," Silas said. "At any rate, I've been told, on one deeply perplexing occasion, that I have, and I quote, 'big he/him lesbian energy.' Randall Rhodes, meanwhile, is the least lesbian-adjacent man I've ever met."

"Well, duh, he's from Rhodes, not Lesbos," Lisa said.

"I'm from Atlantic City, actually," Silas said. "Did you know that Monopoly's properties are based on real locations I saw all the time in Atlantic City? Did you further know that Atlantic City is a terrible place to live, and it took a lot of therapy before I could look at a Monopoly board without getting flashbacks?"

"Okay, moving away from the subject of dunking on a dude only two of us have ever met, let's dunk on Monopoly instead," Roxy said. "First of all, they don't even let you fuck the top hat. Second of all..."