A couple of hours later, armed with a new dress, shoes, jewelry and hairstyle, I made my way home feeling lighter than I had since I’d had sex with Leukas. Since Adrian was nowhere around and had probably still out with his dad while Elena was hanging out with Harpah in the main house, I was all alone and after a quick shower I decided to call Lander. It had been a while since we’d spoken and I was missing him dearly and feeling off kilter.

I dialed his phone and he answered at the first ring.

“Hey baby, everything okay. My daddy senses are tingling.” He said in a light, joking voice that made me laugh, a hysterical laugh that turned into a chocked sob. Somehow talking to Lander bought out all those emotions that I had been trying to keep in and my dam had just burst.

“Hey, hey, hey. What’s wrong babe. Did anyone hurt you or say anything to you?” he asked, his voice hard.

“No. No one did anything to me. I’m just such an idiot. I…”

“I’m hanging up and video calling you on your iPad, okay.” He said and hung up before I could lie and assure him I was fine when I clearly wasn’t. I switched out my phone for the iPad I had gotten curtesy of the Hyades and accepted Lander’s call as soon as it came. My crying had quitted a bit but Lander still gave me a minute to compose myself before he spoke.

“What happened.” He asked in that soft way that never failed to make spill all of my secrets and as it always did, it worked. I told him everything about my new relationship with Leukas, Valleigh, Fletcher and having sex with him, without the dirty details of course.

Lander shook his head slowly. “Aleks, it’s okay. As long as you can recognize that it was a mistake that should never happen again.”

“I can. Of course I can, Lander. But I don’t see myself denying him if he comes onto me again.

“Aleks, you can’t do that to yourself.”

“I know. I know I shouldn’t but this is Leukas, Lander, you know how much he means to me.” I said, my voice pleading with him to understand. When he sighed in exasperation, I gave him a sad smile. “You know every time I thought about seeing him again, I thought we’d have this romantic meeting of epic proportions. He’d understand why I did all I did, accept my past as a cold blooded murderer and we could just pick of where we started. Maybe it would take him a while but he would soon fall madly in love with me and before long, the kids and I would move in with him, and in a way I was right. He understood. He more or less forgave me and that should be enough for me but I guess when he started being so friendly and familiar with me I thought, I thought it would be like before. When he looked at me like, like he could see me in his future. I thought he’d call off his engagement and we would skip off to the sunset together. But I was wrong Lander. I see that he has genuine affection for Fletcher in his eyes. I know that if they aren’t in love now, they will be soon. And I can’t even blame him; she’s lovely. She’s genuinely kind, sweet, gorgeous and she’s not as fucked up as I am.” I said with a humorless chuckle.

“You’re not fucked up. Stop saying those things about yourself. And you are entitled to your feelings. Of course you want more with him. It will take some time to adjust from that but it’s perfectly normal.” He said, worry evident on his handsome face.

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“Adjust? How can I ever. I saw the look in his eyes, Lander. Leukas is not done with me. All those tender looks he once had for me when he was younger and more naïve are gone. He’s opened his eyes to who I am now; to the truth what he wants now is my body, and if it’s the only way I can have him….”

“You deserve much more than that. You can’t be his fucking mistress, Aleks are you crazy?” he growled, looking at me as if I had lost my mind, and he was mostly right. I had lost my mind.

“I won’t…. he’s technically not married yet, and if he’s going to cheat on her anyway…”

“And what, you will become like your mother then? Willing to take scrapes of attention and meaningless sex from a man who doesn’t love him when all you’ve ever been scared off was becoming like that; like your mother? How will you sleep knowing that you’re pining for an emotionally unavailable man? You just cried because you said you felt ashamed and dirty; so what, you’ll just live with those emotions and set Elena up to follow those very footsteps you are following?” he hissed, expression pinched.

“What do you suggest I do then Lander. I can’t….”

“Maybe you should come back home, Aleks. Whatever needs to happen can be processed while you’re here and you can go back only when needed.” He suggested hopefully but I was already shaking my head.

“I already signed a contract of employment until Atlas can find a more permanent secretary, and I already promised the kids we’re staying for a while more. They love it here and if I take them away now…, they aren’t secure enough with their new lives for me to do that. And If I left now, Leukas might try to keep the kids back with him or he would simply follow us back, which defeats the purpose anyway. I just…, I guess I’ll have to be stronger.” I said unconvincingly brightly. Lander sighed and ran his hands through his hair.

“I know how hard it can be and I’m sorry that I sound so judgmental. But trust me Aleks, you can beat this no matter how it feels like you might die without him, like you’ll never find another love so pure. Those are lies you’re telling yourself, but trust me it goes away. All the pain goes away at some point.”

“Does it?” I asked in a low voice, watching various emotions pass through my friend’s face.

“No.” he admitted. “Maybe it doesn’t completely go away. but you are strong, Aleks. You can teach yourself to live with the pain and the emptiness and the ghosts of regret and longing. Because emptiness is better than losing yourself to someone who doesn’t value you as much.” He finished, his eyes reflecting a pain deeper than I had ever seen before he shut it down. I looked at him in wonder and he smiled sadly at me.

“Yes, I am living proof Aleks and what you are going through is familiar down to the tee; complete with the fiancée. In the end they got married and had a child together before I smelled the coffee. Too bad I was too late to salvage my heart and now here I am, old and sleeping my way through the continents trying to feel something and to be something. I don’t want that for you. You’ve been through too much already, and even if you don’t believe it, you deserve a happily ever after. Leukas is not the last or the best man on earth.”

I wanted to ask more about his story but I knew he was done talking about it so I focused on his last words, clinging onto them desperately. “But who would want a woman with so much blood on her hands, irregular nightmares and two kids who still need her?”

“Trust me. He’s out there. The man who is meant for you will find you eventually and we will look back at this conversation on your wedding day and we’ll laugh.” He said so solemnly I couldn’t help but laugh. Maybe he was right. Maybe it was time I started making an effort to let go of Leukas and start looking at other men. Maybe my soulmate would come waltzing into my life at some point. What I wanted was a real connection and love and Leukas couldn’t give me that. Maybe someone else could.