LEUKAS

The sun was going down and it cast a yellow haze over the clearing, its departure signaling the near possibility of a new sun and a new day. For the first time in a while, I didn't know what would happen tomorrow. I'd cancelled my meetings and asked my representative Amira to handle the important ones. But it was all that was in my hand. I didn't know what would happen when we got home. How would I fix the mess my life suddenly was? And even if my trip home would go somewhat well, then what? Could I really co-parent with Aleks? I was in between countries most of the time and my job took up all of my time generally. How would I even start to talk to my kids, like build a relationship with them? What did I say to them? I mostly lived in New York and they lived in London from what I gathered. How would we bridge that gap, because I wouldn’t settle for two visits a month? The overwhelming affection I’d felt for them since I first saw them was almost choking in its fullness. I needed to have a relationship with them. I loathed the fact that I had so many unanswered questions.

I felt her presence besides me before she spoke. It was like before. Before everything went down. I was hyperaware of her whenever she was nearby. Even more than my sensitivity to the world around me. I remembered how we would sometimes ignore the lines we had drawn in the sand. The lines that had kept her from belonging to me officially. The lines Aleks had firmly set.

I would spend any Saturday off of work with her. Sundays were reserved for hanging out with Lander. He'd always gotten along with her as well. On such Saturdays we would spend the morning studying in her bright apartment, a brightness which wasn’t present in the bigger apartment I’d shared with Lander. In the afternoon we'd cuddle on the leather couch while we watched cartoons and cooking shows. She’d cook for me and pack a box for Lander then before we did the dishes together in perfect harmony.

It was at night when the attraction between us flared to life at its brightest. When we slept on the same bed. When I drew her into my arms, ignoring the tingles and the irritations that came with the contact, she fit me perfectly. When her body molded effortlessly into mine until she was all I could smell. Until her touch didn’t make me twitch anymore. Until her touch became necessary. When I touched her body till I knew it more than even she did, listening to the small hitches in her breath when I grazed her sensitive spots. When we pretended we could be…more.

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Like a magnet digging its heels in, resisting its attraction to a metal, I could feel how close she was to me at present. I could feel both our resistance, thick in the air. I ignored it. Because me and Aleks were nothing and we hadn’t been anything for years.

We were quite for a while and I was working through my anger. I tried to force a mask of indifference into my expression and into my voice, things which usually came natural to me, but in the end I failed.

“Why the hell would you hide my kids from me all this time Aleksander?” The question was less calm than I intended it to be but I couldn't find it in me to care.

Her voice was a little more than a whisper. “I'm so sorry Luk.”

“Try again. Tell me why you hid my kids from me Aleks. What did I do to deserve that from you?” my voice had calmed down and taken a frosty turn, a turn I was familiar with at least. A tone that protected me.

“I was scared. I was scared for my kids. I was scared for me.”

“Don't give me that, Aleksander, you knew very well I would have never, ever, done anything to hurt you. I loved you.”

My last sentence was followed by silence. I hadn’t intended to say those words to her. I never had before and it was clear she hadn’t expected to hear them. I loathed how weak and out of control I found myself at that moment.

She looked away when she responded. “Not when you found out who I really was. Not when you thought I had hurt your…girlfriend. You didn't see the look in your eyes Leukas. You looked like…”

“.. I looked like I had just found out from my …. Friend… that you were a freaking assassin. Did you expect Aleksander, a balloon and a cake?” My voice was a little more than a growl then, the little control that had frosted my voice all but gone.

“Well I'm sorry Luk. I couldn’t wait for you to react Leukas. I was pregnant and that pissed off a lot of people who had different plans for me. You’d also always expressed a detest at the idea of children of you own. I was screwed, Leukas, and I didn't think I could count on you then. My kids where already my life then. I panicked and I…. You believed her Leukas.”

“I came to ask you. I asked you because I didn’t believe her. I refused to. I knew how she’d always felt about you so I approached you for your side of the story. You didn’t give me a chance to believe you. That's on you. And I still should have had a choice despite what I’d previously said and you know it.

“I don't know what to say Leukas. I don't know….” Aleks wrapped her arms around herself as if she needed the comfort.

“Would you even have told me about them had it not been what happened?” I looked at the woman I once loved but she avoided my eyes. My heart hardened then. Such betrayal, I would never survive it again. This woman hurt me when she lied about herself. She hurt me again when she ran from me. But the answer in her eyes shred me to pieces. I turned my back on her and left.