CONT

Despite my earlier words to Lander, it bothered me a bit; how much I sought Leukas’ approval. It was even worse now than when I first met him and I really had no explanation as to why. I had been drawn to him the second I saw him nine or so years ago, and it had been an instant longing for a man I didn’t know. Despite observing him and his routines, I hadn’t known him as a real person besides his unusual good looks and his swagger and his grace that just drew me in for some reason, but I had inexplicably adored him. Life had then gotten in the way and my longing and desire had taken a back seat, their effect dimmed when I didn’t see him for a while until my attraction to him was but a small flicker at the back of my mind that I infrequently visited when I got a minute to breathe in between my missions. Then I had met him again, and this time I was introduced to the stunning figure and looks accompanied by the intelligent young man with a haunted expression sometimes and a small tentativeness that endeared him to me and grew within me less intense but more steady feelings for him, the flame of attraction fanned by his wit and his genius and his young and almost naïve charm. I had fallen for him then again. But I had known it was temporary; that we had an expiry date. I wasn’t being completely honest or myself with him and he wasn’t honest or completely himself with me in turn. Our relationship was superficial and shallow at best, with both of us pretending to be carefree and uncomplicated people with a chance at romance, just as Lander had said, but I had loved him in my own way. And now, after all this time, I almost didn’t recognize Leukas. He was even quieter, more established in every way, so much more closed off than I could remember, hell, he had this entire life and home that he hadn’t ever mentioned and seemed to want nothing to do with. He was so unfamiliar to me, yet I loved him wholly, more purely. It scared me that my love for him was so…adaptive.

My maternal grandmother might have been the only person who I remember genuinely caring about me as a child, despite the fact that I never saw her much since she highly disapproved of my father. My father only allowed me to see her with the condition that I mentioned nothing of my training or any of the ‘family dealings’ which I had been introduced to at nine years old. I remember how when she would do my hair when I was ten, she would be muttering in a language I never recognized, massaging my hair in between some forehead kisses. When I asked her what her words meant one day, she told me that she was praying that I did not succumb to the curse like my mother did. That I never found the albatross we all had as a curse that had been passed down from generation to generation. The curse that afflicted all the women on her side of the family. The curse of latching onto men who are not meant for us and obsessing till we go mad or die of misery and bleeding hearts. Sometimes I wondered if it were true. My mother had clearly been driven to insanity with love for my father. I wondered if I would follow her steps. I wondered if Leukas was my albatross. When I was fifteen, the last time I saw her, I had asked my grandmother about the supposed curse and its’ origins. She had looked at me sadly, her eyes filled with sympathy as she took in my eyes which had been red rimmed after yet another dismissal by my mother and had pulled me into her arms as she told me the story.

“Your great, great, great grandmother, Park Sarang Jun was very adventurous and loved life so much she dedicated herself to living it to the fullest. She travelled all around the world, meeting people, doing all kinds of …what do you call them, activities, until one day, in this very country, she met and married to one of those gypsy men. He was kind to her, loyal and treated her so well but in time she got tired of him, of his affections and his gentle love. She became very …disloyal to him and when he found out, he was so upset they say he died of a broken heart. His mother is said to have cursed Sarang and all her posterity with a desperate love that would be aimed at bad men, a love that would never survive the test of time but only damage and ruin her. It would be a senseless love which knows no bounds.

“Do you believe it grandma? You are not mindlessly in love with some bad man. Maybe it’s all a lie.” I had responded hopefully. There were no such things as magic and curses. My mother would realize her love for me when I proved mine to her. She would love me when she saw how much I was helping my father.

Grandma’s eyes were sad and vacant when she responded. “Perhaps.”

I glanced outside the car, watching as we passed through a number of nice looking house yards which even from the road seemed to be filled with various degrees of activity. There were no gates or fences, just open and neat lawns, most of which were littered with some toys and some garden gnomes. We had left the island through some kind of draw-bridge and were driving through what seemed to be suburbs of Abattohn and I was somewhat surprised by how big and all around affluent the place seemed to be judging by the number and quality of houses and the long road and the tall trees seemed to go on and on. It was baffling that people could occupy such a significant amount of space on earth and still remain mostly undiscovered. Despite the fact that Leukas had been driving for something over twenty minutes, we still hadn’t said a word to each other outside of the greetings we had said to each other before he had held the door open for me as I had entered the toasty and warm fancy car. The night was surprisingly cold considering the afternoon’s warm weather but I had been sufficiently warned about the weather here and wasn’t totally put off by the change. Besides, the car was sufficiently warm and I suspected it was for my own benefit rather than Leukas’, a fact that on its own warmed me to no bounds.

Unauthorized duplication: this narrative has been taken without consent. Report sightings.

Leukas himself was wearing black jeans and a red top which peeked from a black anorak and black combat boots. His hair was covered by a red beanie which made he look so incredibly young and pretty I thought there was no way anyone in the world could be more good looking than he was. The easy way he handled the steering wheel and the blankness of his face almost made me shudder in complete want and I hoped he couldn’t tell. Damn, the hold the man had on me was beyond worrying and I hoped to hell that after our talk I would feel more settled with him and my feelings for him. I hoped to hell I would be able to condition myself to being his friend and only that, and to accept that he was an engaged man no matter what. It was probably for the best. I feared that actually having Leukas for real, even once, might be my undoing.

I must have drifted off because when I focused again, the car had stopped moving and Leukas exited the vehicle before rounding up and holding my door open for me, my duffle bag on his other hand. I took his offered hand, my eyes holding his as he helped me out of the car. It seemed to be more than a while before we let each other go and I found myself shivering at the wrongness of the absence of his warm and soft hand. He must have mistaken my shiver for the cold because his hand landed on my back as he urged me towards our destination. I finally, with great difficulty, looked away from him and toward what was probably the biggest and most gorgeous cabin that I had ever seen. It sprawled over a large land clearing and was surrounded by what I now saw to be a dense forest. The driveway we had come through was surprisingly dark and seemed to be an endless and eerie road that was completely unreachable to me or anyone else. We were completely isolated, and with Leukas carrying the car keys and me having no idea where we were, I was utterly and completely at his mercy. The thought didn’t scare me nearly as much as it should have.

Inside, the cabin was well lit and toasty, a log fire burning brightly at the corner of a cozy looking lounge. It was clear that someone had gotten the house ready for our arrival. The house plan was open, a spacious kitchen with marble counters and black, modern appliances overlooking the lounge, but I was suddenly too nervous to notice anything else. I wordlessly followed Leukas to a large room which had little decoration and was surprisingly bare save a huge bed which was made by all white sheets and blankets, a dressing table with a mirror in front and two chairs in front and a huge wardrobe. The floor was covered by a thick white Persian rug and I couldn’t help but cringe at the sight of my boots on top of it. I wondered if I should have taken off my shoes.

“This is your room for the night.” Leukas finally said, drawing my attention back to him. He was watching me closely, his expression unreadable as he slowly placed my bag on a chair that I had not noticed besides the bed.

“Thank you.” I responded awkwardly, wondering what was next; how exactly this night would go.

Leukas must have read the question from my face because he spoke again. “How about you set yourself up in this room and freshen up while I reheat something light for us to eat…and then we can talk in the living room.”

“Okay.” I responded simply, trying to keep the nervousness out of my voice. Leukas nodded and headed towards the door but stopped at the last second and he seemed to be debating something with himself before he looked back at me, a look of determination on his face as he spoke.

“I really love our kids, Aleks, and I would like to have a very cordial relationship with their mother and I recognize that that cannot happen if I continuously harbor any ill feelings towards you. So I came here with an open mind and I’m willing to listen to you and try my best to understand your reasoning and everything…so I just ask that you tell me the complete truth, or at least everything that’s relevant to why you thought it was best to keep me out of my kids’ lives. Right now I feel blindsided and like I don’t know who you are or anything about you; like the Aleks I knew was just some fake persona. I want to know you Aleks, and I want to understand you so I can stop being so furious at you, okay? Can you do that for me?” he asked, his expression more open than I’d seen it since I’d stumbled back into his life. As If I wouldn’t give him anything when he looked at me like that.

“Yes. Yes, I can Leukas. I’ll tell you everything I can, I promise.” I said sincerely and we both shared a brief, awkward smile before he left.