ALEKS

After I’d given Lander the ultimatum, he had been notably silent as he’d driven me over to a nice BnB where he spoke to the owners while I waited in the car. I was wondering then how a mere twenty-year-old student had not only found me, but had somehow got an army of man to cart me away from a mob boss in Russia. I wondered but I didn’t ask. I knew he wouldn’t say. I also didn’t know how I’d react to finding out more about his kind. I didn’t even ask where he got the money to pay for my stay in the BnB. If I was calculating it right, he had to have been nearly graduating. I hadn’t even wanted to take his help. But I’d had no choice. My father had wasted no time freezing my accounts and I had no doubt Alexei was frantically looking for me. I had nowhere to go and I felt like the whole world was after me and I had nowhere to hide. I had no choice but to stay with Lander and hope for the best.

When he left the BnB, he’d left me with a cellphone and some money in an envelope, for emergencies, he’d told me. He’d paid for me to stay for three months and to have my meals delivered directly to my room. He’d also got me a few new clothes and a few disguise for when I really had to leave the BnB. Then he’d left. For a while I couldn’t eat, so paranoid over the fact someone could have called Alexei and spiked my food. I barely slept either, so afraid of waking up to find him lying next to me on the bed. So afraid of the crazed look and hunger in his eyes. And I was sick to my stomach. It seemed like the kids had known I was finally free because my pregnancy had attacked me in full force the. I’d puked my guts out throughout some days, I’d lain down in a cold sweat while my head ponded through others. I had never felt so helpless and alone and terrified. I also feared that the person who would actually kick down my door was Leukas. I feared that Lander would choose him, because of course he would, no one ever chose me. Especially not over someone they loved. Because I’d known even then that Lander loved Leukas, and I was just some girl Leukas had fucked once. I hadn’t expected him to change all his plans and move to London instead of moving to New York with Leukas like they had always planned. I hadn’t expected him to respect my wishes to keep my location secret. I hadn’t expected him to reach out to me despite the fact that I hadn’t trusted him or anyone anymore, I had been so jaded. I hadn’t expected Lander Blake to choose me.

My heart was pounding as I watched Lander, on the other side of the computer screen, blink. I had known since I had met him back in Stanford that he was bisexual. Lander was a very handsome guy, gorgeous even. He was of Turkish-African descent, but his Turkish genes dominated and he had somewhat pale skin that wasn’t helped by London’s weather, and a slim buttoned body like Leukas. His hair silky dark hair, that had run through my finger countless times, was cut into a sleek and stylish pompadour that exuded an attitude of polished, cool confidence. It was so him. I could imagine that since it was Sunday, he had on black skinny jeans, a black button up shirt and a black coat. Black was his favorite color. As always, affection, devotion, and love flowed through me as I looked at Lander. I loved every part of him. He was my number one supporter. He was the man who’d saved me time and time again. He was my guardian angel. I was terrified that bringing what I knew up would tear us apart, but still, I had done it. I had finally told him that I knew. I had told my best friend in the world that I knew his secret. To my surprise, after a while, his mouth twitched.

“Aleks, sweety, what the fuck do you mean I’m in love with Leukas, are you crazy?” He finally asked after a long period of silence had passed between us. I blinked at his reaction. I hadn’t expected it. I’m not sure what I had expected, maybe downright denial or assurances that it was fine, but not his amusement. It threw me a little.

“You’re not?” I asked, confused. Lander might have been a very private person, but he never lied. Especially not to me.

“Fuck no! Where did you get that?” he asked.

“I saw you.” I sputtered.

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“What do you think you saw?” he asked a bit tauntingly, but not unkindly.

“When you guys still lived together. I saw how you looked at him. With love.” I responded, laying down the clothes from Lanthe as I began to disrobe. I wasn’t shy in general, but Lander and I had been through too much together. We’d seen each other naked a countless number of times. I was running out of time and Lanthe had messaged to ask me to pass by the mansion before I left for the meeting.

Lander’s chuckle brought my focus back to him. “I was looking at him with lust, Aleks, lust. He’s Leukas, of course I was looking at him with lust.”

I sputtered again and glared at him. “But he was your friend.” I accused, surprisingly annoyed that Lander ever looked at him like that.

He rolled his eyes. “Yes. But I was- am- also human. For fuck’s sakes the guy is twenty-five and has eighteen PhDs and an empire but he’s mostly popular for his body, his face and his hair. He’s ridiculously good looking and cool, of course I lusted after him. If it makes you feel better, I lusted after you too.” He exclaimed. I was silent for a while, thinking of how different my life could have been if I had known this years ago.

I tried again. “But, when I left Leukas’ room after the first time we slept together, you looked at me so sadly.” Lander’s teasing expression disappeared then.

“Oh, honey. Was that why you decided not to date him? To spare my feelings because you thought I was in love with him?” he asked. I didn’t answer. I didn’t have to. He already knew it.

Lander sighed.” You shouldn’t have done that Aleks. Fuck.” He is silent for a while. “I looked at you like that because I knew that your relationship with him would never work out, and that it would inevitably hurt you both when it didn’t.” It took me a while to process his words.

“What?” I finally asked when I found my voice. Did Lander see it too? Did he think that I had never, and would never be, enough for someone like Leukas?

“It’s not like you’re thinking honey. I just realized then that you were both unhealthily obsessed with each other. You thought- still think- that Leukas is perfect, and he’s not. And he truly thought he loved you but he didn’t- doesn’t- know you.” Lander responded.

“I don’t think he’s perfect.” I whispered weakly, sitting on a chair so that the computer was in front of me.

“Tell me one negative thing about him Aleks. One flaw in his character.” He demanded, and once again the room was quite. I was quiet. Because to me, Leukas was perfect.

“You see? You have nothing. I love Leukas as a friend and a human being, and I recognize all his positive attributes. He’s gorgeous, he’s smart, he’s loyal, he can be caring, he’s dedicated, he’s competent, he’s organized and he’s thoughtful. But along with that, I also know and accept his vices; he’s spoilt, he can be single-minded, he’s stubborn, he can be antisocial, he wants everything to be done his way or not at all and he can be very arrogant. You only saw and accepted the good qualities in him, Aleks. That was infatuation. On top of that, you trauma-bonded with him. You made your happiness entirely dependent on him despite the fact that you barely knew him, that too because he was the first beautiful thing you saw in this world you perceived as ugly. You put him on such a high pedestal that when he fell off, when he showed you that he was actually a human being who was capable of mistakes and things you associated with many human beings, like feeling doubt towards you, you ran from him and you kept him from his kids. You used him to make yourself feel better and seem normal, and when he didn’t, you cut him off. He used you too, though, for reasons I am not at liberty to disclose. That’s not love, Aleks. You two were each other’s bad habits, and I saw your demise coming from miles away.” He finished. I was silent for a while, facing away from him and towards the mirror as hi words echoed within me. I realized distantly that I was still only in my underwear and the skirt so I mechanically pulled on the shirt and tried to blink away my tears. How could he have said that after everything I had been through? How could he discredit my love when it meant so much to me, when it had given me so much? My hurt at his words quickly turned into anger.

I spoke after a while of the deafening silence. “You know just because you’ve finally decided to stop defending murderers and to get a degree in psychology doesn’t mean you get to say that to me. You know nothing Lander.” I grabbed a hairbrush and began furiously brushing my hair while I glared at him.

“Aleks…”

I was so pissed at him I found myself shouting and pointing the brush at him... “No…screw you for that bullshit analysis of yours Lander, what the fuck do you know about love. Nothing. You know nothing about love. Nothing!” I quickly cut the call while trying to get my breathing back under control. And for the first time ever, I hated Lander so much at that moment.