The morning sky was lit by the faintest rays of the suns light as Thayle wept. The day before saw the first bloodshed on the path they walked. In a moment that came and went in the blink of an eye, she took a mans life. There was no time to mourn the pain she felt inside as Gersius charged off to find Lengwin. Even after Lengwin was safe, there was no time to address her feelings. Men were dead around her feet, and there was work to do. She put away her pain to do what needed to be done, but now that pain came flooding out.
She tried to remain quiet as her lovers slept beside her. Gersius lay on his back with Lilly curled to his left her hand and chin on his chest. Thayle moved away from them and curled up on the edge of the bed as she tried to hold the sobs in.
She saw the image of her sword plunging into the man's chest over and over. She heard the groaning cry as he died on her blade, and felt some part of herself being torn away. Forever lost as a result of her actions. She shook and curled her arms over her shoulders and tried to stop hearing the man's voice.
She flinched as the touch of a warm hand came to her side. The hand rolled across her back and dug under her waist, coming up over her stomach. It curled around her and dragged her across the bed to rest firmly against his side.
“I wondered when you were going to feel it,” he said softly.
Thayle tried to be silent, but her sobs and tears betrayed her.
“I know what your feeling. You feel that something has changed. That some part of you is now eternally soiled and can never be cleaned,” he whispered. “It is good that you feel this way. It means you have a strong heart that doesn’t want to kill.”
“Why? Why would that matter?” she choked out.
“I have met men who feel no remorse from killing. I have seen what they become as the bodies pile up at their feet. I would be terrified to know you were on that path. You and I kill because we have no other choice, but those men kill because it means nothing to them. In the order of Astikar, those men end up in the raven guard.”
Thayle nodded as her eyes ran wet with tears.
“How do you deal with the pain?” she asked.
“In time you will grow numb to it. You will still regret that you have killed, but you won’t be able to feel the pain like you do now. You will lay awake at nights and wonder if you have become a monster.”
Thayle let out a series of shallow cries, and he wrapped his arm around her fully and hugged her tight.
“You are not a monster. A monster doesn’t cry over the men she has killed. A monster doesn’t regret her actions or mourn the cost. You are a kind and wonderful woman, and I might add, you are impressive with a sword.”
Thayle took a few deep breaths and steadied herself.
“I was trained in the east to use a weapon,” she said. “My father wanted me to know how to defend myself and paid for tutors to show me how to fight. It angered my mother terribly to see me learning the blade, but my father insisted. My teachers said I had a natural skill for it, and told me I should pursue a military career.”
“Why did you not?”
Thayle sighed. “My mother found a way to put a stop to it. She found a man for me to marry. I discovered she was in the process of arranging my marriage, and I confronted her. She told me I had to choose my path and decide if I want to be a wife or a warrior.”
“You choose warrior,” he whispered.
“I was very young and angry. I left the next day and never looked back. There was a temple of Ulustrah in the city nearby. The first company of our soldiers is stationed there. I saw an entire force of women who fought, and I wanted to join them. This is why I joined Ulustrah. I had no idea about her true purpose.”
“And yet you followed her true purpose instead of the sword?” he questioned.
Thayle let out a strained laugh. “I was so foolish. I thought I was going to be a soldier and impress everyone with my skill. Instead, I was on my hands and knees scrubbing temple floors and learning how to grow flowers.”
Gersius laughed at the image and gave her another squeeze.
“Eventually, I rose through the ranks and entered combat training. I finally had a chance to show them what I could do. There wasn't another woman in my group who could touch me. Even my instructors couldn't match my skill. They sent me to another temple where they trained women specifically to fight. It was here I met Alayse, and where I honed my skill. She and I rose to the top of a class of a hundred women. None of them could match us for skill with a blade, and we moved on to a special class for leadership training.”
“You do know the blade well,” he said. “Your style is Li, Jahn is it not?”
Thayle closed her eyes and smiled. “It is, I know Hilki, and Korsik as well.”
He ran his hand up and down her stomach, making her relax. “So you and Alayse were close?”
Thayle shook her head. “Gersius, Alayse, and I were lovers. The order of Ulustrah tends to breed acceptance of love between women. Not all women embrace it, but when you spend all your awakening years in the company of women, things happen. Alayse and I were always together, training or sparing, or talking. We felt like we were special and above all the others, and our instructors treated us as such. It felt so natural to think of her as my partner. One day she told me how she felt, and she kissed me. After that, I hungered for her.”
“What happened?”
Thayle stared into the darkness of the room as she thought back.
“We were chosen for a special mission. The first company was away and they needed soldiers elsewhere. We were sent into the desert sands to a temple that needed help. The desert tribes were fighting, and raiders threatened to attack the town. There were only three priestesses at the temple, and they called for help. Alayse and I were put in charge of six women each. We arrived at the temple, set up a watch, and settled in for a long wait. Three months later the town was attacked by a host of raiders. Alayse took her women and ran out to meet them, but I couldn't.”
“You could not?” he asked.
Thayle sniffled. “I spent a lot of my time in the town and learned that the people of this region raided the neighboring lands a few months before. They burned a town to the ground because they consider the other tribe to be lesser. These raiders were people from that tribe visiting the damage back on them. I begged Alayse to defend the temple and stay out of the fighting in the town, but she wouldn't listen. She went out to fight and seek glory. I kept my women behind and stood guard at the temple.”
Gersius leaned over and kissed the back of her head. “You understood they were only visiting an injustice back on those who wronged them.”
Thayle sighed. “It didn't matter. The raiders came in two groups. While Alayse was in the town fighting one, the second attacked the temple. I led my women in defense, but I forbade them to kill. We eventually drove them off and managed to capture two of them.”
“With your chains no doubt,” he said.
Thayle nodded. “Alayse returned a hero, but two of her women were dead. I successfully defended the temple but lost none of the women in my care. Alayse was angry that I stayed to defend the temple. She felt if I had gone out to meet the first group, we could have defeated it quickly. She would not lost any women, and we would have returned to the temple in time to meet the second force.”
“That is a bold assertion,” he said. “There is no way you could know that. Your orders were to defend the temple, not the town. It sounds like Alayse was lusting for a battle and rushed into one. She paid the price for her carelessness.”
The order of Ulustrah agreed. However, they liked Alayse's boldness and my tactics. They wanted to reward us for wining such an impressive victory with so small a force. The commander of the second company wanted to step down. Alayse was offered the command, and I was offered the first lieutenant, but I refused.”
“Why?”
“In that battle, I realized I didn't have the heart for it. I didn't want to see anybody die, and I refused to let those under my command kill. I knew if I stayed with Alayse, I would be forced to kill. I refused the offer, and Alayse was enraged. The heads of the order wanted to give me something for my defense of the temple. They assumed I didn't want to be her second, so they offered me my own company. They gave me the titles and the positions and promised to raise the soldiers for me.”
“But you chose another path,” he finished for her.
Thayle looked down at the hand that curled over her stomach.
“I was given the tile of Governess Commander of the third company. I told them I saw no reason to raise more soldiers for Ulustrah when two companies were more than sufficient. They agreed but told me that the position was mine should the third company ever be needed. Instead, they gave me the rank of Grand Priestess and assigned me a temple on the coast. I served there for a year, and I hated it.”
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“Why would you hate such a position?”
“I had thirty women under my command and another two dozen from smaller temples that reported to me. I spent my days reading letters and leading services for acolytes. I never got to work with the people themselves. All I wanted to do was bless a harvest, or help somebody with love. I wanted to be a priestess, not manage them.”
“You have simple desires, and you wanted to be directly involved with the people,” he said.
“Yes,” Thayle replied. “I went to see prime Arlin and told him how I felt. He agreed to assign me to the temple in Eastgate, where I could serve as a priestess.” Thayle sighed and curled up slightly. “But Alayse was enraged. She was from Eastgate, and she did her acolyte training there. She came to the temple and demanded I put my skill with a blade to use. She said I was wasting my potential and that I had been given such a gift to serve Ulustrah.”
“I take it your relationship with her was over then?”
“It was over the moment I refused to be her lieutenant. She tried to rekindle it a few times, but I kept her at a distance. There was also another problem.”
“What other problem?”
“While I was stationed at the temple in the desert, I met a young man. He was a handsome man with dark hair and a broad smile. He began to visit the temple to talk to me, and I saw the truth.”
“He was in love with you,” Gersius surmised.
“He was,” Thayle said. “His aura told me everything I needed to know about his feelings. What I didn’t know was that he was the son of a Suldan.”
“So he was a prince?”
“A powerful one,” Thayle said with a sigh. “You have to understand. I had no direct experience with men back then. I was young and naive, and I felt things I had never felt before. He brought me gifts and took me on walks. I found him enthralling, and before I knew what I was doing, I was in his bed.”
There was a long silence, and then Gersius's hand tightened on her stomach.
“I can see the fear in your heart. You have nothing to worry about. I am not upset that you have known other men,” he said. “I have to admit you and Lilly are not the only women I have known.”
Thayle nodded and continued. “I was young, and my feelings were confused. I came to Ulustrah's temple to be a warrior, but I discovered I much preferred helping people. I fell in love with Alayse, and then I fell in love with a prince. My mind was spinning with where my life was going. I didn't want to kill, and I didn't want to go silent.”
“Silent?” he repeated.
Thayle was quiet a long moment before she continued. “Gersius, I have been keeping a secret from you and Lilly. A secret I didn't want you to know because you're a good man and you always do what's right. I know what you will feel is the right thing to do, but please, don't do it.”
“Thayle, you need to tell me.”
She started to breathe heavily as she closed her eyes and her tears renewed.
“When a woman of my order marries, she is expected to step down and focus on being a good wife and mother. We call it going silent because her voice is never heard in the temple again.”
“You lose your rank and titles if you marry?” he asked with shock.
Thayle could only nod her head.
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
“Because you would have refused to take me,” Thayle cried.
Lilly stirred briefly as Thayle tried to stifle her sobs. Gersius waited until Lilly settled back down and resumed her gentle breathing.
“You should have told me,” he said.
“Do you still love me?” Thayle asked in a weak voice.
Gersius’s hand came up her chest and gripped her shoulder firmly and pulled her to him.
“How could I not? You kept this secret only to ensure I would be happy. You have faced this fear to share your love with me. All you have done is proven your love and made my respect for you grow.”
“I’m sorry for not telling you, but I was so afraid you would refuse me,” she whispered.
“What you did was done for love, and I can hold nothing against you. I am doubly honored to be your husband. You did so much for Lilly and I, and now I have learned you risk giving up everything to love me. How will I ever repay you the love you have shown me?”
Thayle laughed in her tears and wiped at her nose. “I will think of something.”
“So what happens now that you are married?”
“I don't know,” Thayle replied. “Normally a woman marries and starts a family right away. Since we are waiting until after the war, I have been going on as a full priestess. I am amazed none of the women here have said anything to me. They all know I am your wife, but none of them has said a word.”
“You may be a wife, but you are also the dragon knight. I suspect your new title has made you somewhat of a special case. They may not be certain if the rules apply to you the same way.”
“Somebody is going to object sooner or later,” Thayle said. “I suppose we will deal with it then.”
“Why would Ulustrah want her women to leave the temple and stop worshiping her?”
Thayle ran her hand up his arm. “They don't stop worshiping her. They do it in a different way. They take care of a family and a home. They use their blessing to grow a garden and feed their loved ones. They are treasures to their husbands and guiding lights to their children.”
“I can assure you that you are a treasure to your husband,” he said.
Thayle wanted to cry for his compliment. She took a breath and continued. “They still pray to her, but they limit what they do to their family. Using their blessings to make a happy home and be a shining example to the community around them.”
“So you lead by example for your family and the community.”
“Exactly, and we help bring peace and harmony to the lands we live in,” she said.
“A noble principle,” he said. “But you realize we are not some country family. If we achieve our goals, you will be an empress of the Dragon Empire. You will not be sweeping a floor and blessing the herbs in a garden outside the kitchen window. You will be one of the most powerful women in the world. You are not destined for the life of a silent priestess. You have greater responsibilities than that.”
“I am here to provide you and Lilly children,” Thayle said. “My first and foremost responsibility is to be a wife to you both, and a mother to our children.”
Gersius was the one to sigh now. “I have always been amazed that a dragon sleeps in my arms. Now I even more amazed that you do. That such a special and wonderful woman has faced her fears to honor my desire to have children. Weeks ago, I wondered why Astikar turned his back on me. Now I wonder what I ever did to deserve such a reward as you and Lilly.”
“Do you honestly mean that?”
“Can you not see my aura?”
“I have my back to you,” Thayle laughed.
He kissed her head and settled back. “I wonder if I misjudged him. The more I come to understand, the more I see a plan unfolding. All of this was meant to happen. You and Lilly are here to help me through it all. I don't deserve either of you.”
“pfft,” Thayle said. “You deserve more than us. I will keep an eye out for a third.”
He laughed and made Lilly shift about before she settled down again.
“I have all the love I need. Just one of you is love enough for ten men. But whatever happened to your prince?”
Thayle squirmed a little and ran her finger up and down his arm. “He was offended that I left and came looking for me. He traveled west searching all our temples as he passed. I learned he was coming long before he reached Eastgate and I begged Prime Arlin to give me a commission someplace else. All he could offer me was the tiny temple in Pinehollow where I would be the only priestess. I jumped at the offer and fled in the night. The prince was so angry he started attacking temples on his path to Eastgate. Alayse was ordered to stop him. It led to a series of bloody battles and some bad relations with the desert empires. I have no idea if she ever found out that he and I were lovers.”
Gersius felt warm over the bind, and she turned her head to glance over her shoulder.
“Why do you feel so pleased?”
“Because you feel sick to call him your lover. I can tell you hold no feelings for him,” he said.
Thayle realized she reacted emotionally to her words, and Gersius felt it. “You and Lilly are my lovers now, and I hope and pray that never changes.”
“It never will,” he said as he squeezed her shoulder.
She took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I still see the image of that man dying on my sword.”
“And you will keep seeing it for a long time,” he said. “But always remember that man is not like you. He kills indiscriminately and cares not if the victim is innocent. He came to Lengwin’s temple to commit murder. He helped kill several of his own brothers and tried to kill Lengwin himself. You may have ended his life, but you saved the lives of the people he would likely have killed in the future.”
“Thank you. I do feel a little better about it now,” Thayle whispered.
“You are welcome. Please, whenever you have doubts about the choices you have to make, come and talk to me. I have been on this path for a long time. I will help you walk it.”
Thayle nodded and wiped at her nose. “Can I ask you a question?”
“You can ask me anything you want.”
“How many fighting styles do you know?”
She could feel his amusement over the bind, and she was sure he was smiling.
“Well?” she pressed.
“Eighteen for the sword. Including twenty-two alternate techniques for the shield or two weapon styles.”
“Eighteen?” Thayle gasped.
“I am not trying to show you up,” he said.
“Show me up? Gersius, I am a baby compared to you.”
“I saw you fighting. You are hardly a baby. You simply know fewer techniques.”
“I know three,” Thayle pressed. “I bet you could work your way through my defense in less than a minute.”
“Well if you stick to Li Jahn then you're vulnerable to entangling attacks. If you use Hilki then your more easily defeated with two weapons, but a shield can be used to press your weapon high.”
“How do you keep all that straight in your head?”
“Practice,” he said. “If you want, I can teach you more styles.”
Thayle smiled. “I would love for you to train me.”
“You like the peaceful aspect of Ulustrah, but you love the dance of the sword, don't you?”
Thayle sighed. “There is no point in picking one up if you don't intend to be skilled at it, but I never want to have to kill. I hope if I can demonstrate I know how to kill I will never have to.”
“That is quite possibly the best answer I have ever heard anyone give,” he said. “I will teach you and Lilly both.”
“Ha, then she won't have to throw it at you,” Thayle teased.
Gersius laughed, and Lilly shifted again. He held Thayle's shoulder and closed his eyes.
“I have something that will soothe your thoughts,” he said.
“What?”
“Turn around and reach for Lilly,” he said.
Thayle shifted around, reaching for Lilly's arm and looked into her dreams. She blushed violently, and Gersius struggled not to laugh as Lilly dreamed about the first night she and Thayle made love.