They settled into the hall in silence, each person selecting a room. Thayle insisted on the first one closest to the door so she could prevent curious priestesses from poking around. Tavis and Ayawa took the next one, with Gersius taking the third. Despite every room having two beds, Lilly took her own near the end of the hall away from the others. It was a moment of disappointment for Gersius, and Thayle watched his aura twist in pain as Lilly walked away.
Thayle could see something more in his aura, a change that upset her. His light wasn't flowing to Lilly anymore, as if his heart was cut off. Instead, there was a constant flashing as he struggled with a choice, or choices in his case. She understood why Lilly's light was fading, but Gersius was a bit of a surprise. Perhaps he had made one of his choices, and it didn't involve Lilly in his life. Whatever the case, she would have to talk to him about it and see if something could be helped.
For now, she waited for the furniture and foods to be delivered while ensuring Lilly was out of sight. They arrived an hour later and quickly set up two tables along the railing before laying out bowls of fruit. As she hurried them out, they delivered a message that Prime Arlin wanted to speak with her. So, she knocked on doors, letting them know the food was here and that she would be gone for a bit.
Gersius didn't look up when Thayle peeked in to tell him she was stepping out for a bit. He waved to acknowledge her heard her but couldn't take his eyes away from the empty bed. Somehow this hurt more than Lilly not talking to him. Until now, Lilly relied on him for guidance and assurance, holding his hand when she was nervous. Even when she was angry at him, she still shared a room, but now she wanted to be alone.
With a deep breath, he tried to push those thoughts away. For the first time in many days, they were safe and well hidden. There were no plans to leave early in the morning in the hope of avoiding pursuers. It was finally a time to sit quietly and let the constant need to stay alert for danger fade away. He took another breath while closing in eyes and tried to clear his head. Until recently, his focus was set on Calathen and saving the old empire from a brutal war. Now when he thought about his task, all he saw was the impossibility of it all. His brothers had turned against him and would bar his path at every turn. He could never go to Calathen unless he was willing to cover the roads in blood. But, if he didn't go, the war would be lost, and the Doan would cover the land in it instead.
Duty demanded he go, but a duty to who? His faith was broken, and with it those sacred promises from long ago. Even if he did go, he would need to raise an army and crush his brothers first. Assuming he could find such an army, what would be gained by destroying the only force keeping the Doan at bay? Either path ended in disaster, but only one of them put Lilly at risk.
There was another choice, one he had been giving more thought to as of late. His father predicted this conflict would escalate and that his family wasn't safe. He moved them east weeks ago, probably through this very city. By now, they were near the coast, where his family had smallholdings and a modest trading business. Maybe he could go east and join them. Then he could look for some land of his own to start a small farm and settle down. He still had time to raise a family and find the happiness he sought but only if he acted soon. It was a tantalizing dream, but somehow it felt hollow and empty without Lilly. Always his thoughts came back to the dragon that hated him. Somehow he felt alone without her. Time and again, he reminded himself that Lilly wasn't human and didn't want the things he wanted. Thayle was convinced she needed to stay, but he wasn't sure that was true. If there was no reason to go on with his mission, then the only logical plan was going east. If he was going east, then Lilly needed to go home.
He heard voices in the hall and decided that sitting alone would do him no good. He left the room and immediately saw Lilly standing by the tables and talking to Tavis. He seemed to be smiling as he told her something Gersious couldn't quite make out. Lilly looked concerned but then glanced his way, and that look changed to one of distrust. Gersius felt the gap between them widen by that look alone and once again questioned why she was still here.
He sighed to himself and headed for the bowls of fruit, with Lilly noting his approach. As he got closer, he could hear Lilly asking Tavis why he loved Ayawa. It struck Gersius as a strange question, especially coming from Lilly, but Tavis happily answered.
He told Lilly the story of how they met and some of the struggles they had to endure. There was a lot of cultural prejudice that made their coming together a challenge. He explained how Ayawa's people were distrustful of outsiders and considered the people from the far north to be barbarians. Tavis was a cellic man, a people from very far north, and a fire weaver. Her people didn't just look at him as an outsider; they saw him as almost an enemy.
He was barely in their lands a week before they made it clear he wasn't welcomed and needed to go. But in that short time, he met a young and headstrong Ayawa who was challenging her people's beliefs. Her family forbade her to associate with Tavis and were behind the threats that drove him out. However, Ayawa couldn't be tamed, and she ran after him, defying her family's wishes. She scoured the roads to the north, and when she finally found him, he was entertaining another woman. Ayawa was so enraged that she put a knife to his throat and declared before the whole inn that he was hers, and she his.
Lilly asked if that was what marriage was, and Gersius had to stifle a laugh. Tavis laughed a bit too and explained that as far as Ayawa was concerned, it was, but that people usually did it far less violently. He went on with his story, describing how hard the early days were and the storm that came raging after them. Ayawa's people were not content to let her run off and sent people to hunt them down. Several times they were found, and in every case, Ayawa refused to go back. He lost his smile as he described how they tried to kill him, so Ayawa had no reason to stay. Much to both their sorrow, several hunters died in the effort, particularly two famous women among the tribes.
He paused to take a deep breath and then described how they fled further north and west. They walked a hard road with little money in their pockets and always on the run. Eventually, they reached Calathen and met a young captain in the order of Astikar by the name of Gersius.
“So, would you say the things that happened to you helped bring you together?” Lilly asked.
“They most certainly did. Especially the bad things,” Tavis replied with a nod.
“Why would the bad things help to bring you together?” Lilly asked in confusion.
Tavis smiled and tipped his hat up so she could see his eyes. It was a perfectly logical question for a woman who had no idea what love was or how to feel it. With a warm expression, he began his explanation as Lilly listened with wide eyes.
“You have to understand that pain and conflict find their way into every relationship. If you foolishly believe you can have a relationship without them, then you're not ready to have one. A person who truly loves another will grow stronger when hardships come. The two will lean on each other to overcome the challenges and, in doing so, strengthen that bond. Always remember, anyone can say they love somebody when things are good, and everything is going their way. But only the people whose hearts are strong and committed can say they love each other when the hurting has come. And trust me, Lilly. The hurting always comes at some point. It's up to you to decide if you will endure it or run from it.”
“But it shouldn’t be like that, should it?” Lilly asked after taking a moment to think about it.
Tavis could see she was lost, so he explained his point by illustrating his past. He highlighted how all those old memories of cold days walking down some muddy road looking for a dry place to sleep were now fond memories. They were fond because he and Ayawa came through those challenges together. They struggled to make it for each other, and they overcame it all together.
“Our love was tested in the fires, and we came through it stronger than steel,” he finished.
“So, love is tested sometimes?” Lilly asked as she glanced at Gersius.
“No,” Tavis replied with a widening smile. “Love is always tested. If it was never tested, it could never be proven to be true. Remember, it's how you respond to those tests that matter most.” He glanced to Gersius and gave him a nod, then stood up and dusted off his arms. “Well, I should go check on Ayawa. She was muttering something about finding a good tavern and a cheap drink. You would be shocked to see how much that woman can put down.”
Lilly nodded, and he gave them both one final smile before heading for his room. There was an awkward silence as Lilly and Gersius looked at each other, but finally, Lilly spoke.
“Tavis said he would die for Ayawa,” she said and looked away.
“He loves Ayawa very deeply. I do not doubt that he would,” Gersius replied.
“But you were going to die for me,” Lilly said and licked at her lips before looking up with beautiful blue eyes. “I don’t understand why you wouldn’t tell your brothers my true name.”
Gersius was taken aback by her return to this topic. He explained it on the barge as they traveled upriver and was certain his answer had upset her. With a nervous sigh, he ran his fingers through his hair and tried to explain it again.
“I live by a code of honor that I never break. At the time, my faith was the core of my purpose, and I made a vow on that faith to never reveal your name. I know these things seem strange to you, but when you give your word and secure it on your honor, you can't break it, even if it means your death.”
“And that’s it?” Lilly asked with wide eyes.
“What more do you want?” he replied, clueless as to what she was hoping for.
She looked away as her shoulders sank, her whole expression showing she was once again upset. Gersius tried to understand what she was feeling but found his anger clouding his thoughts. He once again wondered why she was still here but struggled to push that aside and change the topic.
“We should be safe here for a while,” he said and looked into the gorge. “This city is far from the war and problems in the west.”
“I was safe in my valley until you came looking for me,” Lilly replied in a pout while staring at her feet.
He went to say he was sorry but remembered she told him to stop apologizing. He was at a loss for words and confused about what she wanted. He also didn't understand his own feelings as they conflicted with one another. On the one hand, he was delighted that Lilly was talking to him, but on the other, he was tired of her anger and wondering why.
“I do not know what to say to you. If you are so angry with me, why do you talk to me?”
“Because Thayle says I should talk to you,” Lilly replied without looking up. “She says you are hurting over me.”
“I think Thayle is too concerned about me,” he replied and picked up a pear. “You do not have to talk to me if you don’t want to.”
“What if I want to talk to you?” Lilly demanded and finally looked up. “What if I want you to talk to me?”
“Then talk,” he said with a shrug of his shoulders. “I am more than happy to talk to you. I was just suggesting that you not force yourself to do something you don’t want to.”
“Like you forced me to give you my name and leave my valley?” she shouted.
“Lilly, that is not the same,” Gersius sighed and tossed the pear aside. “I wish that had never happened either, but it did, and I cannot undo it. I am sorry, but you were about to die. I needed your help to save thousands, so I bartered for your name. I never intended to cause you any further harm, and I tried my hardest to heal you. Even when I failed to restore your wings, I dared to hope my brothers could heal you through the artifacts. I thought I would be able to bring you to Calathen, present you as a friend and restore your wings. I never meant for any of this to happen, and I have hoped for a way to repay your kindness.”
“How could you possibly repay me?” Lilly scoffed. “What do you have to give me?”
Her words were biting, and it stirred the anger boiling in his heart. He hadn't been this mad at her since that first night outside her valley. But, with great effort, he suppressed that anger, refusing to lose his temper with her again.
“If we had gone to Calathen, the empire could have been reformed. I would have petitioned that empire to pay you for your aid. They could have given you a new hoard to replace your old one and see it delivered to your valley.”
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So, you would have paid me like some soldier?” she quipped.
“Would you prefer I used you for the prophecy then ordered you to go home with nothing?” he growled. “Lilly, I do not understand what you want from me? I would have given you anything in my power to give. By the divines, I would go with you to that red dragon's lair to help you get your hoard back!”
Lilly looked up in surprise, his words striking a cord.
“You would do that for me?” she asked.
“I would do anything for you,” he insisted. “If you want your hoard back, just say so. I will make that my new mission in life, and we will leave here in a few days to get it back.”
“But what if what I want isn’t gold?” she asked and lowered her head.
Gersius was taken aback again and struggled to understand her logic. For weeks she complained about her hoard and grasped at every chance to add a coin to her pack. Now he promised to get her hoard back, and she said she didn't want it? Her answer didn't make any sense. Why was she being so elusive?
“Then tell me what you want,” he insisted. “If it is in my power to give, it is yours.”
Lilly let out a low whine, and he realized she was crying. Then, with a sudden burst of motion, she stood up and turned on him with tears in her eyes.
“You used to know how I felt about everything!” she cried and ran to her room.
Thayle watched the scene unfold from the doorway to the outer hall. She was proud of Lilly for talking to him but disappointed with the outcome. Still, she was surprised that Lilly was trying so hard to communicate her feelings, especially since she didn't understand them. However, it was now clear that the actual problem lay with Gersius. Somehow he wasn't getting the message, and his light showed more anger than empathy. She worried that he had taken the blame for Lilly's wings so deeply to heart that he could no longer let her in. She needed to coax him past this stumbling block and remind him what he used to feel. She waited a few minutes then entered the hall as if she had just arrived, going to his side by the table.
“How are you doing?” she asked as he stared into the gorge, his eyes lost in deep contemplation.
“I am fine,” he replied with a defeated tone. “I was just thinking.”
Thayle studied his light to see the turmoil raging inside as well as the ever-present flash of a choice. He was trying to make a decision, and she hated to think of what it might be after that conversation.
“I am willing to bet you have been doing a lot of that recently,” she said and watched his light intently.
“I have,” he replied with a nod. “I have quite a few choices to make.”
“I am sure, but I think there is only one choice you need to make right now,” Thayle said and waited for him to react. “I would love to help you make it, but I need to understand how you feel first.”
“Feel about what?” he asked.
“About Lilly,” Thayle said bluntly. “I need to know what she means to you.”
Gersius let out a long sigh and looked to the sky that could be barely seen above the gorge. He took a moment to sort his answer, and when he spoke, Thayle wasn't pleased at all.
“She is a dear friend, and I am in her debt for saving me,” he replied.
Thayle watched his light flash with truth, but the response only made her want to slap him. She knew it wasn't his fault and began to understand he was a man who could bury his feelings deep inside. Still, his aura flared with life as he thought about Lilly and the flashing became even more intense.
“Gersius,” she began softly so her following words wouldn't sound too forward. “I can see the turmoil in your aura when you think about Lilly. Let me help you. Tell me what you're thinking about.”
“I am thinking about going east,” he said honestly and looked away. “My family fled the war weeks ago to the land they own near the coast. I was thinking about joining them for a bit then looking for some land of my own.”
Thayle finally understood the flashing, and it pained her heart. Gersius was broken and ready to run from it all and put it behind him. She wanted to scold him but knew what he needed now was gentle encouragement.
“After all you have been through to get this far and the costs you had to pay. Can you honestly walk away from what you started?” she asked.
His aura filled with the deep blues of sadness twinged with remorse and pain. He looked down, unable to meet her eyes as he struggled to articulate an answer.
“I have no reason to go on,” he said in a weak voice. “I have no home in the empire through family or faith. Everything I started this journey for is gone, and every step I have taken has caused Lilly harm. She will never know the joy of flying again, and it is my fault.” He paused to take a few deep breaths before throwing his head back and letting his pain out. “All I ever wanted was a family of my own. I started this mission to bring peace to the land so it would be safe to raise my children. But I will never be safe in the west, so my only choice is to go east. If I go soon, I will still have time to start my farm and have a family of my own.”
Thayle’s heart sank to see how deeply he was pained. She had no idea he desired a family and was hurting over the belief that his time was running out. It was apparent now that he was ready to give up, turn his back on it all and forget his previous life.
“You are one the most accomplished battle priests in history,” Thayle said with a pleading voice. “I can’t imagine you farming.”
“Why would that be so hard to imagine?” he asked and looked up with a pained smile. “My family has owned farms for generations, and many a good soldier started as a farmhand. The work is noble, and the labor makes men strong.”
“I agree,” Thayle said with a nod. “But what about Lilly? She still believes in her promise to go with you to Calathen.”
“I will never be able to go to Calathen,” he said and returned to stare into the gorge. “I am grateful for her promise, but it is time she went home.”
Thayle hated to see his aura flash with light, proving that he genuinely believed that was the best course of action. It was time to remind him what it meant to have Lilly at his side and decided the best way to do that was to take his hand. She gripped it firmly, squeezing to remind him of how he used to reaffirm Lilly. She was rewarded when he glanced down and squeezed back, grateful for her display of empathy.
“Gersius, I know you are hurting, but you need to remember that Lilly said she would go with you bound or unbound. I don’t think it matters where you go, so long as she can stay with you.”
“Lilly is a dragon,” he said and closed his eyes. “She belongs in her valley. Being at my side only puts her at risk for more pain.”
“But what if she wants to go east with you?” Thayle pleaded. “She might want to take farming too?”
“I suppose she could plow the ground with her claws in a fraction of the time I could do it with a horse,” he laughed.
“I bet she could,” Thayle said to push her luck. “I bet you would have a wonderful time together. All you need is a quiet farm to lead a quiet life with just the two of you.”
“Until I got married. Then there would be a wife and children,” he said.
That wasn't the response Thayle was hoping for, but it wasn't surprising in light of his desire for family. Gersius was on the brink of choosing a new course in life, and he wanted a family. She was about to say something when he suddenly turned and squeezed her hand. For a brief moment, their eyes met as his pain cleared, and he smiled with genuine warmth.
“You are from the east. Have you ever thought of going back?” he asked,
Thayle was stunned by the sudden change of demeanor but nodded in agreement.
“I sometimes do. I miss my parents and want to see them again,” she replied.
“You should come with me,” he suggested and played with her fingers. “We could make the journey together, and you could tell me all about your homeland.”
Thayle felt the twinge of alarm as his pain sought a new outlet. She knew where this line of questioning was going and was determined to nip it before it grew.
“My place is here,” she replied and pulled her hand away. “I will happily travel with you and Lilly for as long as you need me, but when that ends, I will return to my temple.”
“Are you sure?” he asked with heavy brows. “Don't you ever want more than serving in a temple? I imagine a priestess of the harvest would make a good farmer's wife.”
Now her suspicions were confirmed as he all but proposed. She steadied her nerves and reminded herself who he was meant to be with. It only made sense that he wanted to run and find the love he was initially feeling with Lilly. That pain created a void in his heart that he hoped she would be willing to fill. She took a deep breath as she decided gentle guiding wasn't working. It was time to be blunt.
“Gersius, I have a great deal of respect for you, and because of that, I am going to be blunt. Your place is with Lilly.”
“Lilly?” he said with a bit of doubt.
“Yes, Lilly,” Thayle said with a smile. “She is a beautiful woman who cares about you.”
“Lilly is a dragon,” he replied with a shake of his head. “She doesn't understand what love is and would be better off going back to her valley.”
“Gersius,” Thayle sighed, unable to believe how blind he was being. “Lilly put a lover's mark on you and then followed it. You know full well what that means.”
“I know what it meant, but that ended when she learned about her wings. Besides, I would never have pursued it,” he insisted.
“Why not?” Thayle demanded to know.
“Because she is a dragon,” he said with a shrug as if the answer was obvious.
“You mean that beautiful blue-eyed woman who wears a dress and likes to dance isn't human enough for you?” Thayle groaned as he turned away and ignored the question. She waited a moment, then decided to be even bolder and ask a shocking question. “If you have the choice to bed Lilly or me for just one night, who would you choose?”
“What kind of question is that?” he balked and turned back, his face flushing red.
“A blunt and honest question,” Thayle replied as she folded her arms. “I am just interested to know which one of you truly prefer.”
“And what is that supposed to prove?” he demanded.
“Oh, don't be ridiculous,” Thayle grumbled. “I am trying to prove that she is human enough to appeal to your nature. We both know you would prefer her over an actual human like me.”
“I am not my nature,” he countered. “My base desires do not govern me.”
“Which only proves you’re a good man, but can you honestly tell me you haven’t thought about bedding Lilly?” Thayle pried.
“Lilly is my friend,” he insisted.
“Answer the question!” Thayle shouted as she grew tired of this game.
“No. I have not!” he replied.
Thayle smiled as his aura betrayed him and showed that he had indeed thought about it.
“You know you can’t lie to me,” she said and glared at him. “So why don’t you try telling me the truth.”
He rolled his eyes in frustration and ran a hand down his face before admitting the thought had crossed his mind. He pointed out that Lilly was beautiful and that he had seen her naked. Of course, he had the occasional thought, but he was a man of discipline. Such thoughts were put away because they did not serve him.
“Have you thought about bedding me?” Thayle teased just because she enjoyed watching him twist.
“I am not answering that,” he said sternly with a raised finger.
“So you have,” she laughed.
“I said I was not answering that,” he insisted in frustration.
“You don't have to,” Thayle said with a shake of her head. “If you could answer truthfully with a no, you would have done so. So the only reason to refuse to answer is because the answer is yes, and you have no choice but, to tell the truth.”
Gersius sighed and lowered his head in shame.
“I do not spend my time dreaming about you or Lilly. Yes, the occasional thought comes because you are both so beautiful, and I value your company. But you must understand, I am tired of fighting and spilling blood. I look forward to the day when I can wake up next to the woman I love. I want a family, and I admit I spent some time wondering if you wanted something similar.”
Thayle was pleased with his answer, especially the part where he called her beautiful. But, as much as she wanted to seize on that, she had to address his comment and make sure he understood.
“I will be honest with you, I do sometimes think about having a family, but your path and mine do not cross.”
“There will be somebody else then,” he said with a nod.
“There is already somebody else,” Thayle insisted. “You already have Lilly.”
“Why do you keep insisting I have Lilly? Lilly doesn't love me,” he argued.
“Gersius, why do you keep ignoring the lover’s mark?” Thayle asked.
“Because I have seen them fail,” he replied with terrible pain flooding his arura. “Not only have I seen them fail, but Lilly’s is the second mark I have been given.”
Now Thayle understood as she took a step back to see his aura more fully. He went on to explain how he had been given one years ago by a woman he deeply loved. She promised to be his forever, but he was called away and was gone for most of a year. He missed her dearly every day he was gone and rushed to find her the moment he returned. However, the time away had taken its toll, and she didn't feel the same way anymore.
“I’m so sorry,” Thayle said in true sympathy as his voice strained and tears wet his eyes.
“I made up my mind that I would never fall in love again unless I was ready to settle down. I did not want to risk losing another love when I could be called away at any time.”
“And they call on you often, don’t they?” Thayle asked.
He nodded and explained that he was the order's greatest champion. Every time there was a serious threat, he was called to settle it. He lamented spending more time on the battlefield than in a temple.
“I am so tired of fighting. I thought maybe this was my sign that it was time to settle down. I cannot tell you how much my heart desires to lay down my sword and raise a family. So many of my years have already passed, and those that remain are slipping away. My time to hold a wife in my arms is growing shorter and shorter.”
“I am so sorry. I didn't understand how you truly felt,” Thayle said and took his hand again. “I had no idea you were so deeply wounded in love, but now I understand why you feel the way you do.” She folded both her hands over his and looked into his eyes. “Please, listen to me. I know you don't want to believe it, but Lilly is the answer to your heart. You won't have to worry about her heart changing if you leave her behind because she wants to go with you everywhere you go. She isn't afraid of the danger and will happily fight at your side if you let her.”
“Thayle, she is a –,” he began, but Thayle silenced him by pressing a finger to his lips.
“Gersius, your heart is terribly wounded, but you are being very unkind. I hate to say this, but you are encouraging her to go because it would make your decision easier. You know that so long as she stays, the door to Calathen remains open, and you are not ready to face the pain that will bring.”
“You are right,” he said and looked down, unable to hold her gaze.
“Good, I am glad you can admit that,” Thayle said with newfound hope. “Now, you need to look past the dragon and see the woman that gave you a lover’s mark because she wanted to feel connected to you again. Please, you have to open up and let her have that connection.”
“But she can't speak to me without getting angry. A few minutes ago, she yelled at me for binding her and taking her from her valley,” he insisted.
“She was just lashing out because she needs reassurance that you want her at your side,” Thayle insisted as Gersius hung his head and his aura filled with doubt. “Wait, you do still want her at your side?”
“I don't know what I want,” he answered honestly. “For the first time in my life, I don't know what to do.”
Thayle realized he was still ready to abandon it all and walk away, the question was would he walk away alone, or would he be holding Lilly's hand when he did. There was only one question worth asking now, and his answer would determine if she continued on this course.
“Tell me the truth. Do you love Lilly?”
He froze, thinking about his answer and realizing there was no point in denying it when Thayle would see the truth anyway. Slowly he nodded his head but decried that it was foolish to feel such a thing.
“The truth is never foolish,” Thayle insisted. “You're a good man wounding his own heart to protect the women he loves by driving her away. You are so afraid that more pain will come if she stays with you, but this isn't Whiteford, and you don't have to suffer for Lilly's sake anymore.”
“Then what am I supposed to do?” he asked.
Thayle smiled and rubbed his hand, encouraging him to take time to heal. All the decisions he had to make could wait until Lilly healed some of her wounds and was ready to be honest with him. He tried to argue that she was too angry, but Thayle insisted that something more was bothering Lilly. At first, she thought it was the wings, but the more she spoke to Lilly, the more she realized there was a deeper motive. Once they both had some time to clear their heads, they would both be able to see the truth.
“Thank you,” he said as she released his hand. His aura was relaxing, and soothing colors began to replace the aggravated ones that dominated a moment ago.
“You are welcome,” Thayle replied with a smile. “Now, have something to eat and let your mind rest. You won’t do yourself any good by constantly dwelling on this until the fog has cleared.”
He nodded and turned to look over the fruit. Thayle took a deep breath and looked across the hall to Lilly's door. He was ready to give it some time, but she began to wonder if Lilly would still be here when he was ready.