Chapter 8: The Golden Standard

“Oh, why, thank you. Jellybee, was it? There, there. Achy bones are simply the burden we must all bear with age. You get used to it eventually.” I tried to place a comforting hand upon the poor soul. Instead, my ghostly hand passed right through the skeleton. That was disappointing, but not unexpected. The description did warn me that I couldn’t interact with the environment directly.

Jellybee seemed to appreciate the motion regardless, since he stifled his sniffles.

I turned. “And I presume you are Jimbo-no?” I knew Jimbo-no’s name now because whenever I looked in their direction I saw their names subtitled over their heads, in bold lettering. Along with their classes and levels. “I have to say, you’re all a sight for sore eyes!”

“Aye. That’s right. And you’re not. You're a talking Dungeon Core. The worst kind,” he replied.

Jellybee interjected. “Stop being rude, Jimbo-no! She could make us old again!”

“Oh, I won’t do that. Without reason.”

Jimbo-no sighed. “Fine. What do you want with us?”

I huffed at his tone. “I have questions. A whole buttload of them.”

Jellybee hummed in thought. “Hmmm… that sounds like a lot, but I can try?”

Jimbo-no sat up straight and pointed. “No. Jellybee! Shut yer trap. That damn mouth of yours already set everything on fire earlier. And now look where it got us. I’ll be the one that talks.”

Well, that was one question I had that was now answered.

I raised an eyebrow. “You lot set fire to this cottage?”

“Not on purpose!” Jellybee exclaimed.

“Jellybee, shut yer trap.”

I could tell I wasn’t going to get very far with this man. I folded my arms over my chest. “Who’s your supervisor? I want to speak to him instead.” Speaking to the supervisor was the only way to get things done sometimes.

Jimbo-no rattled with laughter. “Ha! That’s gold. Yeah, no, he’s dead. You landed on him, remember?”

I, in fact, did not. I was too plum tuckered out from sprouting a tree. But that, unfortunately, made enough sense for me to believe him. That was another question answered.

“Fine. Who’s your next commanding officer? Spinemess?”

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“Ha!” He paused. He shot Jellybee a smoldering look. “Actually, yeah. He is. But good luck talking to him right now. No idea where he ran off too.” He shrugged.

I, also unfortunately, had an idea as to who Spinemess was and where he was. And I also knew he wasn’t in much shape to talk shop with me. As far as I knew, he was still tangled up in his own limbs at the bottom of the stairs. For some reason my vision didn’t reach that far down though.

“Well, fiddlesticks.” I sighed. “I guess you two will have to do.”

“Look, lady, I’d love to pass you off to some other poor sap. But you’re stuck with us. We don’t have time for questions. Let us go. Or else we’re all in deep shit.”

“What do you mean? Surely they wouldn’t send a little old, innocent lady like me to jail?” I placed a hand over my breast and acted aghast.

Jimbo-no rattled with laughter once more.

I was starting to hate that noise.

“Jail? Lady, nobody sends Dungeon Cores to jail! That’d be like sending sailors to the whorehouse for stealing extra grog rations. If any others find us here, we’re dead. Dead dead. Hells, if it wasn’t for that Aura of yours we would have smashed you to pieces ourselves by now.”

I slowly stalked over to the sailor man and jabbed a pointed index finger through his rib cage. “No more beating around the bush. Talk. Or else I’m turning it back on. Why are we dead?”

Jimbo-no raised his hands defensively. “Okay, okay. Let me spell it out for you. You’re a Dungeon Core, right? It’s an adventurer’s job to destroy dungeons. And you just crash landed in the house of the strongest adventurer around these parts. And we just alerted them with a smoke signal.”

“And I’m a skeleton!” Jellybee said.

“Oh dear… That doesn’t sound pleasant. I think I need a seat.“ I reflexively sat in the smoldering Davenport next to Jellybee who was sitting with his knees propped up in front of his chest and his arms around his legs. Surprisingly, my ghostly form didn’t sink through the couch like I expected it might.

“You have to help me.” I shook my head. “No, you will help me. Your little club got me into this mess too.”

"Look, granny. I ain't some system mandated tour guide fairy. Even if the system says I’m a minion, it doesn't mean I have to follow your orders. I don’t just work for free. I have standards!" Jimbo-no protested.

“Yeah!” Jellybee piped in. “Yeah, I have standards too!”

“No, he doesn’t.” Jimbo-no said.

“Yeah!” Jellybee agreed.

Jimbo-no and I both looked at him. “Yeah!” Jellybee repeated.

“Anyways. My standards are the gold kind. And I’ll need heaps of it to help haul your ass out of the trouble you’re in. And believe me, you’re in for some trouble. Even if we survive mommy coming home. Dungeon Cores don’t survive on the surface for long”

I unfortunately didn’t have heaps of gold. For the first time in ages I had left my purse at home. But they didn’t need to know that. I thought about it for a moment. “Okay. Tell you what. I’ll make you rich. Just tell me everything you know about dungeons. You’re all going to help me rebuild this cottage.”

Jimbo-no’s singular eye flashed green. “Lady, you’re insane. You’re going to get yourself killed. You should be mounting a defense. Or digging yourself a tunnel straight to the center of the world. Not playing house.” He sighed. “But fine. It’s a deal. This can’t get any worse. What do you want to know?”

I smiled. “Alright. So. This isn’t Earth, is it? What planet are we on? And what’s a dungeon? And what do you know about carpentry?”

“Oh boy,” Jellybee said. “We’re dead.”