Chapter 22: Take A Gander

Bonny looked at me aghast.

I winced as Jimbo-no let out another scream.

“You invited me in for tea? Then summon a new monster? I knew this was a trick!”

“No, I summoned the monster first. As backup in case you took a more aggressive approach to castle doctrine. Then I invited you in for tea. The only one playing tricks is God giving me half a brain.”

Look, in my defense, I kind of expected negotiations to go south. Again. I figured, hey, check out these new digs. There were guests at the door and I had unlocked a Power that I could show off.

The recipe description said I would get one free starter Minion. I figure, why look a gift goose in the mouth? Why not summon a new Minion to help defend me, just in case? I wouldn't have to worry about spending extra time or Mana making it. Might as well feed the bugger a little somethin’ extra. So, as the creature Stitched itself into existence, I fed it a hefty heaping of Mana to make it grow big and strong.

How was I supposed to know what kind of Minion a Domovoy could be? And can you blame me for not being intimidated by the thought of a plush rabbit or mohair teddy bear golem?

So I thought to myself, I've got mere moments to decide. What's the best thing on this list?

Geese.

Geese can put up a fight!

And I think to myself, I've got this lovely antique gold thread from some of the upholstery. It'd be such a waste to not reuse that. Why not use velveteen for its body? Like that one children's story with the rabbit and the skin horse? Maybe if in time, given enough love, the goose could become real.

Then I answered the door.

And yes, now I admit: I may have slightly underestimated what an extra 10 Mana marinade would do for a goose in the oven.

It's time to cook increased.

Along with its size.

And temperament.

Jimbo-no called out from further below in the basement. His face appeared in the doorway. "I'm sorry, Cap! I can’t hold her much longer! I don’t think she likes the new room! No, let go of my leg, ya blasted bird!” His glowing green eye disappeared from view. There was the sound of bones scraping against the floor. “No, put that back!”

Jellybee took another sip of tea. “You’re right. This could use some honey,” he said.

There was a smash. A crunch of bones.

“Ah, fuck! That was my good foot!”

Another crash.

“She took one of them shiny swords off the wall! YA MIGHT WANT TO RUN!"

A large shadow filled the doorway to the cellar. A pair of bright red eyes glimmered out of the darkness of the stairwell. A low hiss and the thuds of muffled footfalls emanated from the abyss.

The stairs creaked in agony. An imposing shape stepped into the light of day. A stiff velveteen beak of golden thread emerged, clutching onto a blade that shivered with arcane energy. This was followed after by red button eyes, a tube-like neck, and a body made of crimson cloth. The creature was much larger than any goose had the right to be.

Stolen from its original source, this story is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Lucie filled the stairwell. In all her plush splendor. A gander to behold.

Without hesitation, Bonny lobbed a Witchpyre orb at the creature.

With an uncanny degree of floppy precision, the velveteen goose sliced through the emerald fireball. The edges of reality frayed and splintered as the weapon's edge cut through the projectile. And the ghostly fire shattered into mere sparks.

In shock, Bonny raised her sunglasses.

The blade’s arcane energy grew brighter in intensity.

Wonderful.

No wonder the basement had been locked twice.

Lucie found a magic sword.

“Shiver, the Snickersnack Sword? Are you kidding me, Ethel?” Bonny said.

The creature chortle honked triumphantly, then continued to advance. Swaying back and forth on plushy legs that barely supported her, she squeezed through the trapdoor.

“Heya, Lucille,” Jellybee said to her. “Care to join us for tea?”

Lucie stood at full height. Her neck reached into the rafters. Thatching rained down around her as the sword cut through them with ease. She screeched and flapped her floppy wings. Like a chainsaw tied to an inflatable tube man.

It was stupid.

It was terrifying.

I had regrets.

Lucie's head swung lazily back and forth, somehow gripping the sword without any teeth or tongue. Without an actual functioning musculoskeletal system, the plush golem would lack any solid internal support to hold it upright at all times. That is, unless it was powered by magic. Which it was. Due to my Affinity to Connection, Lucie was basically animated through clever Leyline Stitching that was currently beyond my Skill level. It was along the same lines of the magical tomfoolery that held together my other minions.

That, plus a helpful, heaping spoonful of demonic energy

I guess I should have paid more attention when the Minion recipe mentioned it might bind a demonic soul to the golem.

Whoops.

"What is it with me and birds today?" Bonny muttered. "Here's my first rule for working here: no killer birds inside the house. Ethel, can you tell your Minion to drop the sword? Send it back. To whatever pit it came from."

Before I could answer, Lucie whipped out with her limp noodle neck, splintering the fabric of reality with its passing.

Jellybee ducked for cover.

Bonny barely dodged the attack. “Ethel! I thought we had a deal!”

“We do! Lucie, down girl!” I stomped my foot, folded my arms, and gave her my most intimidating grandma glare.

She ignored me. Lucie's pendulum danger noodle neck swung back for another murder attempt.

Why, I never! I couldn't believe it. In all my years!

My glare didn’t work on her?

“Bonny, RUN!” I yelled.

The girl didn't need to be told thrice. As soon as she had the chance, Bonny took off running through the back door.

A trumpeting chorus of angry honks followed after.

I Soul Strolled in front of Lucie. "Lucille Squall! Stop right this instant! Bonny is not an invader! We're safe now, you hear?"

She didn't. The goose barreled through me and continued through the door, into the backyard. She pursued the young girl at top speed, neck and peck flopping about in the wind, paying no heed to my words. Tree branches severed and snapped in her wake, leaving a trail of murderous rampage.

Bonny screamed over her shoulder. "Ethel, as the new master of the house, I command you to do your job and save me! Stop this creature!" She booked it for the area of the garden where Tiptap had recently been, next to the boundary.

"I'm trying! I don't know how!"

I continued to Stroll ahead several more times to try stopping her with my presence. And each time Lucie clumsily tumbled through my avatar, blind with rage, hellbent on annihilating this perceived threat.

The level gain didn't help at all.

Bonny narrowly ducked beneath a sword swipe. "It’s your Minion! You created it! Figure it out!"

"She won't listen to me!"

"That's because you gave her a name! By doing that you gave her independence!"

“I didn’t know that would happen! I like naming my pets!”

Bonny dived beyond my Dungeon range. She disappeared from my view. Safe for now. Hopefully.

Lucie crashed against the boundary. She rebounded like an accordion, letting out a cacophony of honks.

She flapped her wings, lashed out at the barrier with flabby feet, and hissed at it with a velvet fury. When the barrier refused to budge she began stalking the edge of the Dungeon. She whipped her neck out with the sword. Like a slinky, her neck bounced back.

Thankfully, Lucie could not Break my Dungeon.

With flaccid sword strikes, Lucie continue to test any spot she could for a sign of weakness. The invisible wall held.

This goose would not get loose upon the world.

Yet.