Chapter 19: Shit, Fire, and Apple Butter
“Well, that was a dumb decision,” Jimbo-no admonished. “You’re saying we could have just… walked away from here. But instead ya chose, what, to get better at setting things on fire? Believe me, Lady, ya don’t need any help with that.”
We stood in the underground tunnel and watched Jellybee carve out a new doorway in the middle of the hall, while I helped Dust. There wasn’t a whole lot of room for Jimbo-no to maneuver. He would have just gotten in the way without having any sort of Digging Skill. So he aptly took on the role of a typical construction work supervisor.
“I don’t know what to tell you. The notifications were insistent,” I replied.
He shrugged. “Ya know you don’t have to actually spend all your level up points at once, right?”
“Yes, I knew that. It seemed important. Besides, there’s more to just Fire here. There’s also, uh…”
“A lot,” Jellybee finished my sentence for me.
And a lot there were. I expected an orderly, alphabetical list of options. Or maybe a periodic table of elements. Instead, I got a whole web of options, with lines connected between different Elements. It looked like a forest of trees with interlocking branches of lines. Or a horribly inefficient and difficult to decipher bus route (cough cough Miami cough). It was overwhelming to see zoomed out and I couldn’t read any of the words from that far away. Zooming in helped. Sort of. I had to slowly scroll all the way to the edge of the screen to look at another elemental tree. Or I had to zoom out entirely, then zoom back in to browse another section.
I squinted at the subway station map that listed the Elements. There were so many.
Of course, there were the classic Captain Planet Elements I expected, such as Water, Fire, and Earth. But most beyond that didn’t make sense to me. There was Space, Time, Gravity, Dust, and Entropy. Along with Fire, Lava, Ash, Lightning, Thunder, and Bloodlust all relatively next to each other.
It looked like the four horsemen were also present, since I skimmed past War and Pestilence.
Each tree seemed to have a primary Element that branched up and outwards into more advanced options. For instance, the Water Affinity was at the bottom of one Affinity tree. It connected upwards to the words Frost, Mud, and Steam. Frost continued to link upwards to Ice, Stasis, and Preservation. Whereas Mud linked outward to another Affinity tree that began with a base of Earth. And Steam linked in the opposite direction towards Air.
I fully recoiled in terror upon reading arguably the most evil of all the Affinities: Taxation. It was fittingly connected to Death.
Oh no. I felt that familiar decision paralysis demon kicking in.
Maybe I should have held off on taking this Power…
Jimbo-no scoffed. “I know that look. Maybe ya should have asked the System for better eyes first.”
I ignored his comment. “Fetch me a piece of paper. And some sort of writing utensil. There should be an envelope on the bedside table upstairs.”
He groaned. “Ya really want me going all the way up there? I just got here. my knees are killing me.”
“Yes. Unless you’d rather be on watch duty out on the porch.”
He obliged with a grumble. “Alright, boss. You got it.” He shuffled back up the stairs. I swore he was intentionally dragging his feet.
While I waited for him to retrieve this notepad I closed my avatar’s eyes and looked about for my other missing Minion using my Dungeon Core’s sight. I didn't want to twiddle my fingers in the darkness while trying to make small talk with Jellybee. He still seemed solemn over the whole Spinemess thing. I found it difficult to reassure him. I felt like a nurse informing a terminally ill patient's family that a side effect of cancer treatment was that they might go bald. It was ultimately for their own good, long term. But it was still a difficult pill to swallow.
I checked my hearth first. Then the garden, the porch, the roof, and finally...
Ah, there she is. Between all that. Climbing up the tree next to the cottage. The one that Bedknob used to get to the roof.
It seemed like today would be nice and warm, judging off the sunlight splattering across the bark.
Bedknob seemed to agree, since he rolled awake in his little nest on the roof with a belly towards the sky. He yawned with an electric hum as he stretched out with his whole body.
His fur crackled with static. Then fluffed out on end as if he had rubbed up against a balloon. He feverishly licked himself to manage the spiky strands.
His grooming was interrupted by Tiptap playfully jumping onto him.
Unsurprisingly, Bedknob yowled and bolted off the roof, vaulting himself into the wooded trees just beyond my Dungeon vision range.
Tiptap waddled after him and happily gave chase at her own clumsy pace. She clearly thought they were playing a game of tag now.
She followed all the way to the edge of the Dungeon where he had left, then softly bonked her head against the border. She cocked her head to the side.
I smiled. I enjoyed seeing those two awkwardly interact with each other.
I could equally perceive both of the cats while they roamed within my dungeon, yet for some reason only Bedknob was free to leave it at any time. I wasn’t sure why Tiptap was considered a Minion in my menus, but Bedknob was not. From my point of view, the tomcat was just as equally ‘monstrous’ with his lightning abilities. He was arguably more dangerous than Tiptap, despite her scary appearance.
I sighed. Yet another mystery I didn’t have time to figure out.
Jimbo-no returned with the dusty envelope and a piece of fresh charcoal. I read out loud the base Elemental Affinity of each tree to him and he jotted it down. The more advanced options beyond that were ignored. Writing down each and every single Affinity would have taken forever, so it seemed logical to focus on the primary Elements and see which one sounded best, then go from there.
After I finished reading out the hefty shopping list, Jimbo-no flipped the envelope around.
Oh for pity’s sake! I should have known.
“You can’t write, can you?”
“Nada. I ain’t got one of them fancy edumacations.”
Instead, he had scribbled down a confusing mess of hieroglyphic emoji symbols. At one point he had run out of room, so he had drawn over some of the previous symbols. Yet somehow he had saved enough room in the corner for a badly drawn penis.
Jimbo-no beamed happily.
I Mana Dusted the paper in his hands.
“Hey! That was art!”
“No, that was a waste of time. And we don’t have time to waste if I need to be strong enough to survive our first invasion today.”
“I don’t see the big deal. Just pick whatever sounds nice.”
Jellybee chimed in. “Like Death. Death sounds nice.”
“Get over yerself, Jellybee. But actually yeah, what he said. Or if ya want to fix things up quick, pick Wood. Wood would be good.”
“Heh. Wood would,” Jellybee repeated to himself.
“Look, ya really can’t go wrong with any choice,” Jimbo-no said. “The System is, for the most part, somewhat balanced. If it sounds broad, it’ll have a lot of use. The more specific it sounds, the more powerful it will be, but narrower in practice.”
This tale has been unlawfully lifted from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.
I huffed. “Easy for you to say. I don’t know what half of these do. What kind of useless power is Heart? How does Electromagnetism even work? And what the hell is…” I pushed my avatar’s glasses against my eyes and read out loud, “‘Weak Nuclear Force?’”
Both the skeletons blanched. I swear their bones turned whiter in the dark tunnel.
Jimbo-no spoke in a quiet voice. “The name is a lie. For all our sake, please pretty please with sugar on top pretend ya never saw that option.”
“It is Hell,” Jellybee whispered. The flames in his eyes had grown distant, near the back of his skull. His gaze was elsewhere.
“Well… Okay then… Noted.” I coughed into my fist. “See what I mean? What if I make a horrible choice like that?”
“Point taken,” Jimbo-no said. “Didn’t any tooltips pop up when you looked at any of them?”
“The what-tips?”
“Tooltips,” Jimbo-no said.
“Friendly looking boxes,” Jellybee added.
“No, I don’t think so. I may have had those disabled by accident.... But I guess it won’t hurt to look. Yeah, no, there’s nothing. I don’t see anything else when I look at the Affinity for Weak Nucl-”
Both of them screamed, “DON’T!”
“Just kidding. When I look at, um…” I scrolled over, finding something that was suggested to me previously. “When I look at the Affinity for Water, there’s nothing else there. Just the word on screen.”
Jimbo-no leaned back against the tunnel wall and crossed his arms. He looked to be in thought. “Is there some sort of drop down menu?”
“A what?”
“An arrow. Thingy.”
“No.”
“A question mark? In a circle?”
“A sandwich?” Jellybee asked.
“You mean a hamburger?” I asked.
“What’s a hamburger?” Jellybee asked.
Jimbo-no motioned down and then sideways with his hands. “Vertical lines? Horizontal?”
“Wobbly?” Jellybee asked. He wiggled the pick-axe in his hand. Then smacked it against the dirt wall before him.
“No,” I snapped. “There’s no damn lines or anything at all.” My tone was sharper than I intended..
Jimbo-no held up his hands. “Look, if ya want our help then don’t bite our heads off. I don’t got a clue what you’re seeing. I don’t got a Dungeon menu guide handy. But some things in the System are universal. So we’re doing what we can.”
Good lord, this was frustrating. It felt like fixing the time on a VHS player all over again. Except my tech savvy niece wasn’t here to help this time.
“I’m sorry. I don’t know what’s come over me. This is all very new to me and very unpleasant and technology was a mistake and I don’t want to do any of this.” My apology devolved into whining. I didn’t give a tinker’s damn. “This shouldn’t be this hard.”
Jellybee rubbed his chin. “Is ‘Fae’ blue?”
“The text?” I zoomed in as far as it would let me. I couldn’t tell. The only real light in the tunnel was from their eyes and my ghostly blue avatar. Neither were bright enough to clearly distinguish colors. “Maybe. Be back in a spell.” I Soul Strolled away to the Garden.
A moment passed.
“So...Jellybee. Seen any cool rocks?”Jimbo-no asked.
Jellybee reached down and held up a flat piece of slate with a white splatter outline in the corner.
“What is it?”
“Fossilized dung. I think.”
“That’s neat.”
I Soul Strolled back to them.
“Why yes. It is indeed Blue. What does that mean?”
Jimbo-no replied, “It means ya can long tap on it to get more information. Before ya make a choice. Just be careful not to double tap.”
I did just that. And lo and behold, we were getting somewhere.
A notification box popped up, covering most of the Affinity tree menu:
The Element of Water is the inclination towards magic that brings life. Water is the essence of change. As long as it’s given a path, it will wash away stagnation and impurities in small amounts. Or sweep away almost anything in great quantities. While closely related to the Elemental Affinity of Ice or Mud, Water provides a greater aptitude for change. Water, being fluid, can fit into many shapes and styles. It is one of the most flexible and useful Affinities in almost any situation, even in small amounts. It can conduct many other Elements well, sometimes empowering them into greater forms. Though causing significant harm or damage requires a flood of invested Mana. An adept Water user can clean infections to heal the body, amplify plant growth, clean up messes, push away undesirable objects, erode away solid matter, and provide refreshment to those in need.> The message was followed by a second, smaller box below that one: Droplet Elemental Kelpie> “It worked!” I said. “Nicely done!” Jimbo-no clapped softly. Jellybee cheered over his shoulder. “So how do I go back?” Water seemed nice. I wasn’t sure if it was exactly what I was looking for though. I didn’t like the idea of accidentally drowning myself. And where would I keep a Kelpie? “Try gently giving her a little love tap anywhere outside the information box. Very carefully. Sneak a little caress in between the words, on an empty part of the screen,” Jimbo-no replied. “Unless, of course, you want that choice. But ya might as well window shop.” That suggestion of his also worked. I scrolled over and long pressed on another Affinity that Milly had recommended before: The Fae Element is the inclination towards magic that brings power through price. It empowers traditional Crafts into Witchcraft, commands Nature through offerings, entwines illusions into reality, and silently wages war against the ordinary. While closely related to Nature and Deceit, The Element of Fae stands apart from those through a queer persistence of both time and legend. Fae is Nature given Law–twisted by refined Chaos–standing upon civilization’s doorstep. It is the stark contrast to the machinations of mankind, in tune with the primordial feminine. It is the other that is unable to exist without others. The Fae Affinity chooses neither side of the coin, instead balancing upon the edge. It invites both kindly spirits to live under the stairs and wicked Hags to lurk in the attic. This Element persists through evergreen words spoken around the campfire and bedtime stories told to progeny. It is the knock in the middle of the night for those that shouldn’t answer. The whispers that one should never follow. The warnings of the forest that should never be ignored. The creeping dread of those that should not have done wrong, awaiting their fate. It is all that shouldn’t be. And all that should.> Knocker Pixie> Ooh, creepy. Not sure if I liked that. Granted, there was a lot in that description that I did like too. I mentally bookmarked this Element as a possibility, then tapped back. I long pressed on Fire. The Fire Element is the inclination towards magic that brings destruction through chemical processes. It is Flame. It is the-> I tapped away before I even finished reading the description. Honestly not sure why I expected otherwise. I scrolled for a while. Then came upon one that was mighty curious, if only due to how dull it sounded. Connection? That sounded… generic. A fireball was an easy enough spell for me to understand. But I couldn’t picture myself casting a hypothetical ’Connectionball.’ Was ‘Connection’ even an Element? I long pressed the blue word. A text box appeared: The Element of Connection is the inclination towards magic that brings together objects or people, forms bonds, forges lasting memories, encloses gaps, and forms tightly Knit communities. While closely related to the Elemental Affinity of Bloodlines and the Elemental Affinity of Affinity-> I raised an eyebrow. Affinity of Affinity, huh? What utter gobbledygook. I read on. <…While closely related to the Elemental Affinity of Bloodlines and the Elemental Affinity of Affinity, the Element of Connection stands apart on its own. Like a patchwork quilt, Connection brings others together while encouraging independence. It is the heirlooms we-> There was a knock at the door. I jumped in surprise. Somebody was here? Adventurers? ALREADY? How could I be so blind! I had spent so much focus on figuring out tech support that I had forgotten everything else. Fear raced through my mind. I redirected my focus to the porch. The young witch cosplay girl was back. She was leaning over the log, knocking against the open door, and calling into the house. Thankfully, the man that accompanied her yesterday was nowhere to be seen. Then I realized something else that curdled my ghostly blood. I had a third notification on my screen, below the text box descriptions: The Element of Connection is the inclination towards magic that brings together objects or people, forms bonds, forges lasting memories, encloses gaps, and forms tightly Knit communities. While closely related to the Elemental Affinity of Bloodlines and the Elemental Affinity of Affinity, the Element of Connection stands apart on its own. Like a patchwork quilt, Connection brings others together while encouraging independence. It is the heirlooms we pass down. The recipes we share. And all the tokens of our life--persisting in the face of Decay and Death--tied between the hearts of those that carry on, long after our own passing. An adept Connection user can Weave reparations and repairs of all kinds, tying Souls together beyond Time and Space. Please note: choosing this Affinity means you won't be able to fix everything. It means, at least just for a little while, you can do all that you can to make things a little bit better> Domovoy Plush Golem> Oh shit fire and apple butter! When I jumped I had accidentally double tapped on the screen.