For some reason, the first thing I thought when my brain detangled itself was: out of work? Then a video ad popped up right in the middle of the fucking screen. I gritted my teeth and went back to the search results. It was a mistake obviously. Someone had gotten hold of a bad tip, or there was a mix up, or a different Ray Davis had died. That would explain why Jeremy had been so serious - he really thought I was dead.

I clicked through the next three links, and they all confirmed the same thing. What the hell? Didn’t anyone vet their sources anymore? A distant thought pushed its way to the front: could I sue? But I immediately dismissed it, annoyed at my own greed.

“Jer…what the hell am I reading?” I finally asked.

“Ray, bro, that’s what I’m saying! Everyone thinks you’re dead!”

“But that’s dumb…I’m obviously not-” And then a thought hit me and I felt my heart fall into my ass. “Oh, no…no, no, no…”

“Ray? What is it?” Jeremy asked.

I was visualizing the oven in my apartment, that smell I had thought was my clogged toilet…Had that been gas?

“Jer, I need you to get to Baltimore…like now!”

“Uhh, dudeeee, I’m on the west coast.”

Shit, shit, shit. It couldn’t be…right?

“I think I might be fucked…”

“Well, yeah, everyone thinks you’re dead. That’s pretty fucked, man.”

I was shaking my head, my eyes wide. “I think I might actually be dead.”

There was the sudden sound of a wrapper being crinkled in my ear, then the distinctive chomp of Jeremy’s jaw working on some food.

“Did you just open a bag of chips!” I shouted, my nerves frayed to the breaking point.

The chewing sounds paused immediately. Then, behind an obviously full mouth, “Nuh-uh.” A slow crunch followed, and then another. When it became clear he couldn’t hide the sound from me, the crunching intensified and was followed by a swallow.

“Jeremy!”

“What!? Dude, you know I eat when I’m stressed!”

“Did you hear what I just said? I think I might actually be dead!”

“Yeah…hence, the stress eating. Damn, dude, I just found out my best friend is dead - cut me a break!” The sound of another chip getting gnashed into pulp followed. I sighed, because Jeremy had a sense of inertia about him, an unwillingness to bend to propriety - or even common decency really.

“Whatever,” I said, exasperated with the whole thing. Then I remembered why I had called Jeremy in the first place. “Dude! I totally forgot. I called you because I’m stuck in this game.”

“Howth you feget that?” he asked behind a handful of chips.

“Oh, I don’t know, some asshole told me I’m dead!”

“Oh, yeah. Wait…so you’re like stuck, stuck?”

I accessed my menu and hit the logout button just to double check. A small part of me was afraid that it would work, and then what? Would I wake up to a burnt corpse melted to the interior of my pod? The button pressed normally, and I held my breath. After a moment, my vision blackened, and I braced for pain.

But I felt nothing, and my vision returned. I looked around, and found that I hadn’t moved, still stuck at the entrance of the same dungeon, Jeremy still on the line.

“Yep, stuck, stuck,” I finally said.

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“Dude!” Jeremy said suddenly. “Do you realize what this means…You just fuckin’ ghost in the machine-d this bitch!” I could hear the excitement cresting across the line. “You might even be immortal dude!”

Immortal…?

“I mean…even if that’s true, I’m stuck here. In Swords & Sorcery. As a damsel, by the way.”

“Those are just details, my man,” Jeremy said dismissively.

“Det-Details?” I asked incredulously. “I’m a video game character whose entire purpose is to be big tits for twelve year olds with daddy’s credit card.”

“Okay, that settles it,” he replied.

“Settles what?” I asked.

“I’m downloading Swords & Shit right now. I’ll message you when it’s done.”

“Jer…?”

“What’s up?”

“I’m…” I hesitated. I wasn’t one to open up, and Jeremy wasn’t really a great listener, but he was all I had. “I’m like really scared.”

There was a brief pause on the line, then Jeremy said, “I gotchu dude, everything’s gonna be alright. Hang tight and I’ll be there in twenty!”

Strangely, that made me feel just a little bit better - not much, but enough. “Thanks man.”

“Don’t mention it,” he replied. “Oh! Where are you? In game, I mean. What starting faction and race should I pick?”

“Oh…um, one sec.” I pulled up the map again, noting the continent and region I was currently in. “Let’s see…so I’m in the Consortium-controlled regions, so pick that faction. And looks like I’m in between the human and shadow cat starting areas - so either works.”

“Cool, dude. See you soon-click!”

I ended the call on my end and closed out the menus. Another loud trumpet blast sounded, making me jump in shock, my heart racing. When I saw my quest icon flashing, I groaned. That was getting really obnoxious.

Quest Complete!

(System Quest)

WTF is Going On?

You figured out WTF is going on! Honestly, it took you long enough.

Reward: Ignorance is bliss, so this revelation probably has you feeling some type of way. On the bright side, you get another chance at life. On the not-so-bright side, your second chance is in a world where everything and everyone wants to kill you.

There’s a reward in there somewhere…

Quest Update!

(System Quest)

Survive

You’re still here? Great! Keep on keeping on.

Reward: We covered this - you get to keep breathing.

What sick bastard was giving me these quest prompts? Because there was no way someone wasn’t watching me, putting in all these direct call outs about my situation.

“Fuck you, whoever you are!” I shouted to the sky.

I spun in a circle, taking in the dungeon, and the dungeon portal behind me. “Well…what now?”

In front of me was the entrance to the dungeon. It was a shimmering portal - opaque, with the suggestion of movement as the swirling lights twisted and coalesced. Would I be able to leave through the portal? Or would I be stuck in this same dungeon until this whole mess was sorted out. What sorted out meant in this context, I couldn’t even begin to worry about. But the idea of being stuck in this dungeon for days, weeks, or however long, sounded like torture.

Still, I was afraid to push through the portal and into the unknown. Would I be erased? Stuck in some sort of teleportation limbo - Jeremy wondering where the hell I went.

“Hey! You!” came a shout from above.

I turned to look up, the voice coming from the very same window I had first shouted at BigSword from. Standing there was MoonCrawler. Even from this distance, I could see the dark cloud that was his expression.

“Don’t you move!” he shouted down.

I groaned in annoyance. The man’s tone didn’t exactly suggest he was coming to rescue me. But he hadn’t been able to do anything to me last time, and I really wanted to tell this fucker off.

So I waited.

He really took his sweet time. It was several minutes later before he sauntered out of the castle, his intensely serious face offset by his ridiculous blue hair. He stomped, more than walked, over to me, and I wasn’t much inclined to meet him halfway as I lounged against the stone arch where the portal entrance was housed.

“You!” he accused, his finger pointing at me.

“Me,” I agreed.

“I don’t know how you did it, but you’re in big trouble, mister.”

I was done playing nice, done with the recriminations, the useless customer service - and I was done with this asshole. As he neared, I suddenly stepped forward and put my whole body into a shove - the kind of schoolyard shove that felt juvenile and yet so primal. A look of shock crossed his face as my hands met his chest, and I felt his momentum give way, reverse, and then he was falling on his ass. A small part of me had hoped he would launch across the dungeon, crumple into a pile of broken limbs. And yet, the absolute look of shock and fear on his face was enough - just barely, but enough.

“You-You can’t do that!” he spluttered, his angry parent tone flipped into a whine.

“Just did, bitch,” I said as casually as I could. But my limbs were shaking, the heat rising to my face. I was never one for a fight, but he had pushed me too far! Then a thought occurred - a little late. What if he tried to fight me? I had always run from fights before - or taken the beating, depending on the circumstance. But if he came at me now, what would I do?

Thankfully, MoonCrawler was an even bigger coward than me, and he disappeared again. I was getting the distinct impression that the cavalry was coming, and I really didn’t want to face off against five GMs.

I turned to face the portal, took two deep breaths, then said, “Fuck it!” and jumped through.