The hovering loot was spinning in the air, faster and faster, I realized. There was a glow emanating from it I hadn’t noticed before. Was that getting brighter too? I tried not to look at it, evidence of the crime and all, but the gold was hovering there, shiny and significant. It looked like a crapload, to be honest.
Not a good look, Ray. Kill the customer then pillage his body. Kinda sounds like a crime.
I turned my back to the loot and opened the Customer Service window.
Current wait time: 34 hours.
“What the hell do I do!?” I shouted at nobody.
And then I noticed the little plus sign icon at the bottom of the Customer Service menu. I hesitantly reached out and tapped it. A window filled my vision with a prompt that read:
Deposit 1 credit to skip 10% of the line.
Seriously? I knew S&S were money grubbers, but this was ridiculous. Plus, I didn’t have any credits on my work account anyway. I went to exit out of the prompt when the loot in the corner of the room caught my eye. My finger hovered over the ‘X’. I was torn. So far, things were firmly within the realm of accident. But if I used a customer’s money without their permission, would he come after me for damages? Garnish my wages?
I looked back at the Customer Service window and saw my wait time.
Fuck it.
I walked over to the loot and reached out. It zoomed towards my hand like it was magnetized, and went straight into my inventory. I was able to open the Inventory on top of the Customer Service window, and maneuver them so that I could see both at the same time.
My eye jumped to the icon at the bottom of the inventory marked with a gold coin. The counter read: 126,498.
Holy fuck. Wait, what was the conversion rate of in-game gold to credits? I clicked on the number, and a convert option popped up right away. It was a thousand gold to one credit. This motherfucker was walking around with 6 month’s pay in his video game character’s pocket…And that was only what he had on his person. He’d have buckets more back in his character’s bank.
Jealousy and anger fought for supremacy, but were ultimately slapped down by fear. How powerful was this customer? He seemed like someone who would relish destroying my life.
No! Deal with the problem in front of you. How to get the hell out of this game!
I converted enough gold to get me near the front of the line, then clicked the prompt to deposit the necessary credits.
1 click.
Current wait time: 31 hours.
Again.
Current wait time: 28 hours.
Again.
Current wait time: 25 hours.
I spammed it now - this wasn’t my money anyway.
Current wait time: 22 hours.
Current wait time: 19 hours.
Current wait time: 17 hours.
Current wait time: 15 hours.
Current wait time: 13 hours.
Current wait time: 11 hours.
Current wait time: 9 hours.
My god. I had just blown two week’s worth of pay and I still had a nine hour wait. Ten credits gone, but I had over 100,000 gold left.
Geronimo.
Click, click, click, click, click, click…
Current wait time: 2 hours.
Each credit was only getting me about 15 minutes off the wait time now, so I held off, even though my finger was itching to blow BigSword’s cash.
Time to settle in. I sat on the floor, my back pressed against the stone dais, and I opened up Solitaire.
This tale has been unlawfully obtained from Royal Road. If you discover it on Amazon, kindly report it.
This was familiar.
----------------------------------------
I was stalled out on my 27th game of Solitaire when I felt my eyes begin to get heavy. I gave myself a little slap and resisted the urge to look at the wait time counter - it didn’t do any good to fixate on it.
A new game dealt in front of me when a click sound popped in my ear. Words materialized in my vision as a voice spoke:
“Hello, thank you for contacting Swords & Spells Customer Service. My name is Sandeep. For quality purposes, this conversation may be recorded. Sir or madam, may I please ask who I have the pleasure of speaking with? A selection prompt was available to select ‘Sir’ or ‘Madam’.
“Oh, thank fuck. Listen, I’m trapped in this game! I need help.”
“I’m sorry, sir or madam, would you please give me a name or select your preferred gender so that I may address you properly.”
“Dude, you’re not getting it. I’m an employee at S&S. I was doing a customer interaction when something went wrong. Now I’m stuck in this fucking game-”
“Sir or madam, we request that you please do not curse towards any of our staff, as it creates an unsafe environment and makes it impossible for us to assist you. As a first step, would you please indicate your preferred gender, or provide your name so that I may address you as you see fit.”
“Oh, for fuck’s sake…” I selected the ‘Sir’ prompt a tad bit aggressively.
“Thank you, sir. Now, how may I be of assistance?”
“I.AM.STUCK.IN.THIS.FUCKING-”
“Sir, please hold.”
“NOOOOOoooo, fuck, he’s gone.” Muzak began playing over the line again.
I started pacing the room, the elevator music making me wish things upon Sandeep that no person should endure.
After 15 minutes, the line clicked. I held my breath.
“Are you still there, sir?”
“I’m here! I’m here!” I clutched to Sandeep’s voice like a drowning man. “Please, don’t put me on hold. This is an absolute emergency!”
“Of course, sir. I completely understand. From what you have told me, it appears you are stuck in your current dungeon instance. A GM (Game Master) is on the way to assist you. Have a lovely rest of your day-” click
“NO, WAIT!” I listened for anything, a sigh, an intake of breath. Nothing. “San-Sandeep?”
Crickets…
“SANDEEEEPPP!?”
I stared at the words hanging in the air: “Have a lovely rest of your day.” I was going to find Sandeep. I was going to hurt Sandeep. I was going to make Sandeep wish his mother had never squeezed him out of her-
“Hello, sir, I hear you have a bit of a-”
I spun around lightning quick, no doubt a desperate look on my face.
“Oh, thank god. I’m saved.” There was the GM Sandeep had promised. His nameplate read:
MoonCrawler (He/Him)
GM (Level ??)
And he looked completely confused.
“Hey, listen. Something has gone terribly wrong. I’m an employee at S&S, a damsel actor, and I was doing an interaction when-”
“What the hell is this?” he interrupted, his confusion replaced with anger.
“Well, if you just listen to the words coming out of my mouth-”
“It is completely inappropriate for an employee to contact Customer Service. I will be reporting you-”
“Will you let me fin-”
“-to your supervisor. You’ll be lucky if they just dock your pay. In the meantime, I will be transporting your character to the GM island to prevent any more shenanigans.”
“Hold on just a damn minute!”
A blue shimmer began to form around MoonCrawler, his hair taking on a Super-Saiyan look. He pointed at me and a bolt of blue energy shot from his finger into my body…
And did absolutely nothing.
I looked down, waiting for my body to explode, be transported, something. But his magic, blue, thing-y just dissipated into nothing. He stared at his finger like it had betrayed him.
“Like I was saying. Something has gone terribly wrong.” I rushed the words out, knowing MoonAsshole liked to interrupt. “It’s like my character has been removed from the normal limitations of the game. I can’t even log out-”
“I’ll be escalating this straight to HR and Legal,” he interrupted, his face clouded with anger. “Hacking is not only a bannable offense, but a prosecutable one. Don’t you go anywhere.” And with that, he was gone in a poof of magic.
I stared at where he had been standing a moment earlier…and I laughed. And laughed. And laughed. It was a joke. Someone was punking me. It was the only explanation that would keep me from crying - from throwing myself out the tower window.
A trumpet sound suddenly filled the room, and I jumped in shock.
New Quest!
(System Quest)
WTF is Going On?
Find out WTF is going on. That’s it. That’s the quest.
Reward: ??
I looked at the words floating in the air in shock. This didn’t seem like a normal S&S quest. As I reached out to try and click on the words, get a better description, another trumpet sounded, and the words were replaced with another quest.
New Quest!
(System Quest)
Survive
This one should also be pretty self-explanatory, but on the off chance you’re a complete moron, it means don’t die. Seriously, I have no clue what will happen if you die, so don’t do that. But also, staying in this tiny room isn’t going to get you far.
See quest: WTF is Going On?
Reward: Life
I looked around the room, the same room I had been stuck in, going on four hours now. MoonCrawler had told me to stay put…
Fuck this.