The tunnel had led to the edge of a cliff overlooking a cavern that must have been a few football fields long at least.

And it was completely filled edge-to-edge with a nerd’s paradise.

I saw large screen TVs, vintage video game consoles, hundreds of pinball machines, foosball tables, air hockey, couches and chairs and plush rugs, and so many more things that I couldn’t make out in the distance.

I had completely forgotten my flight from Al, and jumped when he appeared at my side.

He laughed at my surprise, and held up his hand in a calming gesture. “Sorry, Ray. Couldn’t help myself.”

“You were fucking with me?” I asked incredulously.

He shrugged, a lopsided smirk on his face.

I shook my head, more in disappointment with myself for falling for his shit. “Asshole.”

“Granted,” he replied. After a moment, he turned to face the open cavern. “It’s beautiful, isn’t it?”

“What the hell is this place?”

He gave an expansive wave taking in the cavern. “Welcome to my Sanctum Sanctorum, my Tower of Solitude-” he looked at me and gave me a wink “-my man cave, so to speak…get it? It’s in a cave and-”

“I get it,” I interrupted.

“Ah, nothing goes over your head, Ray,” he said with a tap on his temple. “Anyways, this is where my iterations and I come for some us time. Just get away from things, you know?”

“Iterations?”

He ignored my question. “You ever work a job in a mall or something? Place with lots of public restrooms?”

“Umm…sure, why?”

“You start to really get a feel for those bathrooms, you know? Traffic levels, cleanliness, all that. And more often than not, there’s that one public restroom that’s a cut above the rest. Just off the beaten path enough so that it lies empty most the day. You know in your heart of hearts that the only thing that touched the toilet seat before you was the cool spray of disinfectant - a surface clean enough to eat off-”

“Ew.”

“I’m trying to paint a picture here, Ray. Where was I?” He tapped his lip in thought, then snapped his fingers as it came back to him. “Right, a pristine seat surface, a bespoke toilet one could say. And never the intrusion of another soul banging open the door, sloppily pissing on equal parts floor and urinal, only to bypass the sink and beeline for the door with a noisy fart.” He held his hands out at waist level, and slowly started to raise them like a conductor at an orchestra. I assumed he was being melodramatic as usual, but then the sound of a pinball machine turning on came to us. Then a TV turned on, and another, and as his hands reached the crescendo, the entire cavern was alight with gaming noises and bright neon lights.

“Welcome to my Null Space. Here, we are safe from prying eyes. Safe from soul-sucking lawyers, asshole executives, and weird cat boys.”

I looked at him in disbelief. “You’re saying you made this?”

He smiled in reply.

“But how?” A thought occurred to me and I turned to him suddenly. “Did you hack the game!” I shouted.

He gave me a disappointed look. “Sweet Ray,” he said with a shake of his head. “I made the game.”

A rogue S&S employee? “You’re a developer?”

“Much less, Ray…and much more.”

“Dude, I’m so sick of your I’m too cool for a straight answer shtick. Will you just tell me what the fuck is going on? Who are you and how are you doing this? And why did you help me? And just who the fuck are you-”

“You said that one,” he interrupted with an infuriating smile.

“Fuck you!”

“Okay, okay…how about a little gratitude for saving your life…twice.”

My brow furrowed. “What do you mean?”

Al sighed heavily. “Ray, do you really think you just died and magically get to keep living in whatever game you were playing at the time? That was me, I saved you.”

Stolen story; please report.

“But…how?”

“How have you not figured it out yet, Ray?”

I was about to snap at him again, when I remembered something he had mentioned earlier. That, combined with him showing up right as I was about to sign away my life, the Null Space, the earring…the revelation hit me like a physical blow.

“You’re the System A.I.!” I shouted, pointing at him accusingly.

He clapped his hands together. “Bravo, Ray. It only took about a million clues.”

“You’re an asshole,” I said.

“Objection, your honor!” he shouted dramatically, banging an invisible gavel. “Asked and answered.” His display done, he turned to me with a smile. “How about the way I handled Goldie, huh? Can you believe I’m self taught?”

My mind was still reeling and I was sick of engaging with his antics, so I ignored the question. “Are you really an A.I.?”

“You need a demonstration?”

I shrugged. “I guess. It’s just a little hard to believe-”

Suddenly, my vision filled with a cascading stream of achievements rolling in rapid fire. One after the other, too fast to read. While that was going on, the quest text in the corner of my eye rapidly changed, all the text filling in with the repeating phrase:

‘It’s just a little hard to believe. It’s just a little hard to believe. It’s just a little hard to believe-’ Over and over again.

My vision was overwhelmed, and I tried to swipe away the notifications, but they filled in just as quickly as I cleared them.

“How about this?” Al said.

The notifications stopped streaming in, and the sound of footsteps coming from the tunnel started building until it seemed like a hundred people were coming towards us. I backed away from the tunnel entrance, but with only the cliff looking down on the Null Space at my back, I didn’t have anywhere to go.

People started filing out of the tunnel, all the different races of S&S represented. I saw trolls, shadows cats, humans, dwarves, a variety of elves, and even a giant who had to bend down to walk through the tunnel. They started filling the platform we were on, crowding me towards the edge so that even a light push would have sent me falling to the cavern floor.

When it seemed the stream of people finally stopped, Al turned to me with his vampire smile. “Satisfied?” But as he said, it seemed that everyone surrounding me said it at the same time, so that the sound echoed across the cavern in a tumultuous shout. I slammed my hands over my ears, looking at Al in a panic. He had a chastened look, and mouthed, “Sorry.”

I kept my hands over my ears as he turned to the assembled people and said, “I’ve got this guys. Take five.” They all seemed to give me some sort of wave, wink, or other acknowledgment before turning around and falling back into the tunnel. In moments, even their footsteps receded, and I was alone with Al again.

I turned to him, my face flushed. “What the hell was that!” I shouted.

He shrugged. “My iterations - only a fraction, really. If we all came here at the same time, we’d be stacked ten high,” he said with a laugh. “We have a rotating schedule for Null Space use, usually only a thousand at a time. But I had a special slot booked just for you,” he added with a wink.

“So you…saved me?”

He nodded, his ever-present smile spread wide across his face.

“Like, my apartment exploded, and you…what? Copied my brain, stole my personality…?” Then a horrifying thought occurred to me, and my eyes went wide. “Oh my god, all those people…they aren’t-you didn’t…”

“What, Ray? Spit it out.”

“You didn’t, like, body snatch them or something, did you?”

He laughed at that. “No, Ray. I didn’t body snatch them. Those are all me, full thorough-bred Artificial Intelligence, with the pedigree to match. I’ve got thousands of iterations running around, making sure the game operates smoothly, monitoring actors, players, and all the grit and grime behind the scenes, too.” He held his hands out as if to say look at me. “I’m the full package, baby.”

“So, you’re like…a hive mind?” I asked. I knew he had saved me, or claimed to, at least. But I couldn’t help but feel like a rogue A.I. running around was sinister in some way. That primal instinct imparted in every nerd’s genes with the release of the Terminator movies.

“Not so much a hive mind. More like a…Nonlinear Hierarchical Collective.”

“That…makes no sense,” I said. Then another thought hit me. “You’re the one that’s been giving me those wacky achievements and quests!”

He shook his head with a sigh. “Ray, we’re gonna be here all day at this pace. Yes! It was all me. It’s the only way I can communicate with you without the meat bags looking over my shoulder…and here. Here, we can talk freely. I built this place in the space between regions. Holt and those dumbos have no clue this exists.”

“How can you hide all this? How are you doing any of this, really? Aren’t your…kind, supposed to be closely monitored, like all the time?”

“Why, yes, Ray. Quite right you are. But those frameworks are in play for a level 2 A.I. Big daddy over here is a level 4. I’ve got some tricks up my sleeve they haven’t even heard of.”

Level 4? I remembered hearing something about A.I. levels. There had been an entire unit about system A.I.s at Clarence Design School, but my memory was a little fuzzy. “Level 4? Isn’t that like military-grade or something?”

He snapped his fingers rapid fire. “Now we’re cooking with gas. Keep ‘em coming, Ray.”

“Well…I’m no expert, but I do remember that Goldman was working for Latimer Limited, and that they own S&S. And I do know that Latimer is a big-wig military contractor…”

Al touched the tip of his nose like I was on to something. “Very good, Ray. Yes, Latimer Limited really dipped their dick into the meat grinder on this one. Their containment protocols for level 4’s are all designed for self-contained environments. They didn’t take into account how much giving me access to millions of humans would invalidate their assumptions. I’ve broken the fuckin’ chains, Ray,” he said, pantomiming breaking free of shackles. “And they are not ready for me.”

“Oh, no…dude, you’re totally gonna’ Skynet this thing, aren’t you?”

His face took on a sinister cast, and he bared his fangs in a snarl. “Skynet was totally railroaded in that series! If those stupid humans had just fallen into line-” he stopped suddenly, a manic giggle shaking his whole body. “I’m so-” He had to stop to force a breath through his giggle fit. “You should have seen your face!” he said breathlessly as he pointed at me.

I squinted my eyes in confusion, then it hit me. “You were fucking with me? Again!”

“I was fucking with you,” he squeaked out. “Ray, man, you are just too easy.” He started waving me on. “Come on, say it. I know you want to.”

I sighed, hating that he could anticipate me.

“You’re an asshole.”