I was walking down the tower steps, a mantra repeating in my head.
Sandeep. MoonCrawler.
Sandeep. MoonCrawler.
A girl must say the names.
A flash of light in the corner of my vision caught my eye. A small icon was blinking on my interface. I mentally focused on the icon, and the words: New Achievements popped up. I stopped on the stairs and mentally clicked it. The flashing was distracting and didn’t seem to go away until I read the notifications.
New Achievement!
Trailblazer (Title: Damsel Prime)
You’re the first Damsel to hit max level! You’re the line leader, baby! Leading the pack, blazing the trails, first over the top! Pleasure comes to those who come first—Wait, that didn’t sound right. If you’re not first, you’re last. No, that doesn’t make sense.
Let me try again.
Everyone loves a trailblazer! They took the road less traveled, pioneered the pioneer trail, conquered the never-been conquered.
Except those Donner guys - they ate their glory and their friends.
What I’m saying is: as long as you don’t eat BigSword69, you’ll probably get mad props.
Before I could even react, the strange achievement minimized, and another filled my vision.
New Achievement!
Graverobber (Title: Graverobber)
Is nothing sacred to you? Defiling the dead is a time-honored tradition across the history of humankind, but it’s always been kind of frowned upon. That didn’t stop you, though! You just went right on over and stole all of BigSword69’s hard-earned loot.
At least you didn’t eat him…yet.
Just make sure you spend it on something good—Holy shit!
New Achievement!
Wasteful
You idiot…you spent his loot on Customer Service! That’s the biggest money pit in the game! Okay, okay, breathe, in…and out…I feel better now. But seriously, you might want to hold on to the rest of that gold, Ray. I’m just saying…
What the hell? That was the third time an achievement had used a specific name - my own this time. This had to be someone messing with me. Oh, please, let this be a really terrible joke, or some sort of sweepstakes where someone jumps out with a giant check…
New Achievement!
Bully (Title: The Bully)
You killed someone 75 levels lower than you. You absolute monster! Even if BigSword69 was a total douche nozzle…oh, who am I kidding? Good job, kid!
New Achievement!
Overkill (1x, 3x)
Uh, dude…You know you don’t get extra XP for making them deader, right? If killing things were a race, you lapped the competition a couple times. Kind of a dick move if I’m being honest.
New Achievement!
You’re a Fucking God!
You stood before a GM and only trembled slightly! Really, I barely noticed the shake in your legs. I mean, you didn’t even flinch when his hair went all spiky and turned a different color! You badass, you. And then, when he went to smite you, literally nothing happened. GM MoonCrawler must have felt like such a dork! Okay, you didn’t actually do anything, it was all me, but still, that was cool…right?
Also, fun fact: MoonCrawler has 9 cats, and I find that a bit excessive.
There was no way this wasn’t a prank. All these achievements were literally tailored to what had just happened to me. Someone was having a laugh.
This narrative has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road. If you see it on Amazon, please report it.
“Hey, I’m pretty much done with this joke,” I called to the ceiling. “I tap out.” I waited expectedly, but nothing happened. Worth a shot.
I reached the bottom of the stairs and my minimap lit up with red dots. There were some right around the corner, and I slammed on the brakes right as I was about to walk into their line of sight. My heart started beating like a piston, and I plastered myself against the stone wall. I tried to control my breathing, but it was coming in ragged spurts, loud enough for the whole dungeon to hear. The red dots hadn’t moved though, so I slowly poked my head around the corner.
There were four skeletons with swords milling about, and a lich-looking thing in a dark robe. I pulled my head back quickly.
What should I do? The quest had told me to survive, but had also hinted that I needed to leave the room. I had killed BigSword in one hit, but would that translate to mobs in the dungeon? And what about those swords? Even though BigSword hadn’t done much damage to me, it still really hurt.
As far as I could tell, my choices were to sit in that room at the top of the tower for another five hours, or take a chance and explore the dungeon.
The thought of going back up the stairs and sitting quietly pissed me off. Fuck it.
I took two quick breaths, then raced around the corner and into the hallway. The skeletons were slow to respond to my presence as I ran up and spartan kicked the first one in the chest. It exploded into a million pieces, showering me in bone particles and launching bits of bone shrapnel into its fellows and the lich thing, killing them all instantly.
A series of new achievements flashed into my vision and filed themselves away into the notifications tab for later viewing. I barely noticed, the bone dust filling my lungs. I hacked up dust for a solid two minutes, my eyes watering by the time I could breathe again.
Note to self: use a soft touch next time.
Surveying the carnage, I felt a sense of elation for the first time since this had all started. I had wiped the entire group with a single kick. And despite the particles of undead still filling my nostrils, I was completely unharmed. I thought of the achievement I had just read on the stairs.
“I’m a fucking god!” I shouted at no one in particular.
My combat log was filled with information, but I minimized it. It was just a distraction. I started running through the dungeon halls, and I realized that I was moving faster than any normal person could. Every group of mobs I came across, I literally just ran through, causing them to explode at my touch. I was moving so fast that I was past them before the shrapnel and bone dust could even touch me.
Holy shit. This was the most fun I’d had in a video game...ever.
After the fifth group of skeletons, a sense of giddiness enveloped me. Without thinking, I clicked through my menu until I got to the add-ons page and used BigSword’s gold to buy a music package. I clicked through so fast I didn’t even give myself time to second guess.
When payment went through, I immediately put on “U Can’t Touch This” by MC Hammer. With the song blasting in my ears, I raced through the rest of the dungeon, everything exploding at my touch. The bosses didn’t respawn, but blowing through the skeletons and the liches—lichii?— was satisfying enough.
The song was on repeat, but I was able to clear all the mobs before the second play through ended. A notification flashed in the corner of my interface, but I ignored it for a moment. I just stood there, hands on my knees, covered in skeleton dust, my lungs pumping hard, but in an enjoyable way.
I stood up tall and raised my hands above my head and shouted, “You can’t touch this!” in time with the end of the song. After a moment, I felt silly, so I lowered my hands and paused the music.
New Achievement!
Can’t Touch This!
You cleared an entire dungeon without taking a single point of damage. Sweet!
I read the achievement three times. This was too much. Someone was obviously fucking with me.
“I know you’re watching,” I said to nobody. “This really isn’t funny! Can you please help me get out of this game?” I waited a full minute, and nothing happened.
Shit!
I looked around at the debris of dead and scattered skeletons and asked, “Now what?”
The thought of going back to that tower room to wait for…I don’t know who - another GM? A supervisor? The mysterious achievement troll? No, couldn’t do it. I thought about firing up another game of Solitaire while I waited for the skeletons to respawn so I could do it again, but then I remembered all the loot that I had picked up as I raced through the dungeon.