Behind me, Jeremy, Kink, and T were roaring with laughter. I looked over my shoulder, Yeet’s wrists held tight.

“Guys?” I asked. “I can’t get him to stop!” Yeet smacked himself a few more times to punctuate the point. “Why is he hitting himself?”

“You piece of shit-” he interrupted himself with another slap. “Fuckin’ stop that!” Slap! “I’m serious-” Slap! “Do you know who the fuck my dad-” Slap!

I swear to God, he looked like he was going to cry, so I finally relented. But I still held him tight, pulling him close so our faces were nearly touching.

“What do you say, me and my friends go on our way,” I said, nodding towards the door. “And you and your friends just stay here, and keep jerking each other off under the table? Sound good?” I waited for him to nod before letting him go. He immediately backed away behind a table.

“Come on, guys,” I said over my shoulder. “This party’s dead.”

I made for the door, passing by Yeet and his friends. They flinched back, keeping a healthy distance from me as I neared. Nobody else felt like getting big brother-ed today.

The four of us exited the tavern and loitered outside for a bit as we discussed our next steps.

“What now?” Kink asked.

“I’ve got about a million things I need to do,” I said. “But I thought maybe I could delegate some tasks?” I asked hopefully.

T slapped Jeremy’s arm. “Guild leader for five minutes and he’s already givin’ orders.”

“If you ask me to shine any-goddamn-thing,” Jeremy said, “I’m rage-quitting the guild and going back to shooting aliens.”

“I was actually planning on giving you a bunch of gold,” I said with a smile.

Jeremy perked up at that, his eyebrows climbing his forehead. Then his expression turned stern. “Is that because I told you I was Jewish? Not cool, bro. Very non-kosher.”

“So you don’t want the gold?” I asked in a teasing tone.

“Of course I fucking want the gold, dummy. But I have a duty to my people to at least sound indignant before I take it.”

“Great,” I said, going in my inventory and sending him 100,000 gold - almost everything I’d taken off BigSword. His eyes went wide at the amount. “I need you to hit up the Auction House and scope me out some max-level gear for sale. It won’t be raid-worthy, but it’ll be a damn sight better than the shit in my inventory. Except for a weapon - my melee weapon is pretty good.” I couldn’t resist showing it off a little, so I equipped [Hope’s Edge] and gave it a little twirl.

“Ohhh,” T said in appreciation.

Kink reached out to stroke the shaft, but I pulled it out of reach. “Hands off, Kinkie Boy. Nobody touches my shaft ‘cept me.” Kink and Jeremy shared an amused look, and I realized what I had just said. “Wait—no, that’s not what I-”

“It’s okay, Ray,” Kink interrupted, putting a consoling hand on my shoulder. “Nobody has touched your shaft, and that’s okay.”

“Yeah,” T piled on, “some people take a while before their first time. It’s nothing to be ashamed of.” The three of them shared a laugh at my expense.

Jeremy pulled me in close, wrapping his arm around my shoulder. “I bet, if you asked Kink real nice, he’d touch your shaft. I’m no expert,” he said, turning to Kink, “but I imagine a gay man has certain…experiential advantages when it comes to touching shafts.”

Kink wiggled his eyebrows at me, while T was bent over, struggling to breathe.

“You guys are sooo fucking funny,” I said. “When are tickets on sale for your comedy tour-” I stopped as the tavern door opened behind Kink. It was Yeet and his friends, and they looked like they had come for more trouble.

The narrative has been taken without permission. Report any sightings.

Jeremy was the first to act, like a rabid attack dog on high alert. “You limp dicks come back for more?” he asked. “My man over here is gonna take your head-” He pointed at Yeet. “-and shove it up your ass-” He pointed at one of the friends. “-and there isn’t a thing you could do to stop him! So keep walking.” He made a shooing motion, then turned his back dismissively.

Yeet’s friends had a worried look on their faces, but Yeet was brimming with swagger for some reason.

“Don’t mind us,” he said casually, walking around us with a wide berth. We watched him and his friends walk over to the nearby town square where there was heavy foot traffic.

“That was fuckin’ weird,” T said once they were out of earshot.

“Yeah,” I said hesitantly. “Something’s up-” I cut off as I noticed Yeet put his hands to his mouth and start shouting.

“YO! EVERYONE LISTEN UP!” he shouted.

Cries of ‘fuck you’ and ‘up yours’ rang out, but some players had stopped to hear Yeet. Jeremy had a troubled look on his face, and came up to me.

“Dude, check the chats. This little fuck is blasting your location everywhere!”

I had completely ignored the world chats to this point. They were just a cesspool of spam, gay jokes, and flame wars. But as I switched to the chat tab now, I saw what Jeremy was saying.

Across the entire Consortium faction, Yeet was telling anyone and everyone that he had found the rogue Damsel. And now he was shouting it out in the most trafficked city in S&S.

“THE ROGUE DAMSEL THAT ROBBED AND MURDERED BIGSWORD IS RIGHT OVER THERE!”

He pointed me out to the group forming around him, and dozens of eyes turned to me.

“Oh, fuck!” T said, echoing my own thoughts.

“We need to fuckin’ move,” Kink said.

More than a few players had broken off from the group and were heading towards us out of curiosity. I looked in the opposite direction, down the avenue, and noticed more players approaching. They were drawn by the slowly forming mob, but hadn’t heard Yeet shouting, I imagined.

I thought back to Hope’s End, when Git had staged that group of players to taunt me. That had been a volatile situation - and that was with only a dozen players. Over a hundred were milling about in the square, and there were thousands just down the street, only minutes away.

A flashing in my vision drew my attention. A small waypoint marker was pointing behind me, down a small alley that ran between two taverns.

“I fucking love you, Al,” I whispered. To the guys, I said, “This way, come on!” I grabbed Jeremy’s arm to pull him along, but he resisted.

“Hold on, Ray. You go, we’ll run interference,” Jeremy said. “Right guys?”

Kink and T both nodded.

“Fuck yeah, get going Ray,” Kink said.

“Shit, you sure?” I asked, nervously eyeing the approaching crowd.

Jeremy physically shoved me towards the alley, a red tinge surrounding him from the push. “Go, needle dick!”

I didn’t say anything else, turning to run down the alley. As I started running, the forming mob noticed me, and gave chase.

“Oh, shit!” I shouted, picking up the pace.

Behind me, Jeremy, Kink, and T formed up at the alley entrance, physically blocking it with their bodies. It wasn’t much - most players would be able to shove past them due to their low level - but it would net me precious seconds.

I followed the marker as it weaved through the alleys. There was an entire alley system behind the buildings that I hadn’t realized existed. It wasn’t all connected, and I had to leave the alleys a few times and risk a main street - but the majority of the mob was lost behind me.

Majority, because some of the players chasing me were high-level players with one of the three movement skills that allowed them to keep pace with me.

While I was racing through an alley, a player swooped down from above, apparently having been flying above me. He tried to get in my path, but I bowled right through him, causing him to cry out in alarm. I waved away the customary notification from the hostile act.

I burst out of the alley, and a quick glance at my minimap showed that I was roughly a kilometer away from the tavern. I scanned the buildings for the telltale marker that Al was using to guide me, when a player crashed in from the sky with an explosive grunt. [Bounding Jump] I presumed. Before he could get his bearings, I shoved him too, knocking him on his ass.

A light flashed in the corner of my eye, and I raced across the street to the next alley. I weaved through the back streets of the city for at least ten minutes, my stamina nearing empty by the end of it. I paused to let it refill, and scanned the skies and the surrounding neighborhood for any players.

When I was confident I was alone, I followed the marker at a more leisurely pace. Another minute or so of walking took me to the outside of a shop. It was a fairly remote part of the city, it seemed, and the few players I had seen weren’t looking for me anyway.

Standing in front of the shop, the sign posted had an image of a man in a pose. It kind of looked like the man was running, but it didn’t translate very well to a wooden board. Al’s marker flashed on the frame of the door, so I went in.

It was a small, single-story shop, with a lone NPC behind the counter. The NPC was an old man with a wild beard and a look in his eye that told me an actor was riding him.

“Uh…hello there,” I said hesitantly. Why the hell did Al lead me here? “I’m…um, I guess, what do you sell?” I finally asked.

The shopkeeper smiled and nodded in a comforting manner. “Come closer, young lady, and I’ll show you.” I couldn’t tell if I was just on high alert or what, but the man’s tone was kind of creepy. But I just shrugged it off and approached.

The shopkeeper stepped from around the counter and came to stand in front of me as I neared. I waited expectedly for him to share the shop’s inventory, when he reached out and pinched my ass.

I immediately hauled back and punched him in the face.