As our Heroes once again walk their hard journey, they started losing hope, as they have not eaten anything for a whole…3 and a half, and the near constant bitching of our sloth is dropping moral faster than your mother when she fell down the jumping board into the pool.

"Hey, do you guys also see some smoke rising to the sky?"

"Yes, lord, I see it too."

"Good, that means I have not yet starved so much that I start hallucinating."

As the climbed the small hill they were on and finally reached peak they saw small rough looking village surrounded by a spiky wooden wall.

"I really hope this is the happy kind of village with lots of food and not the sad ones where everyone’s starving."

"Why, have you suddenly started feeling empathy?"

"No, but the former means more food for me."

so, they strode in the direction of the village, coming nearer and nearer, until they saw that something was amiss.

"Huh, what is wrong? looks normal to me."

He said, ignoring the few wooden spikes one could see at the gate of the "village", on which a few rotten skulls were put on.

...Ah shit.

And as our fearless hero abruptly turned around and started going at a rarely seen faster than average pace the wooden gate shot open.

"Greetings! Great monster!"

Said a particularly high-pitched voice that sounds like it was pulled through a cheese grater.

"I likes cheese."

So as our heroes face turned towards the voice it turned even more ugly if this was even possible.

"Damned, it just had to be goblins, didn’t it? Well might as well go and see if there is anyone there to...befriend."

Suddenly imaginary shivers ran through our ghostly friend as he started to take a few steps of distance from our hero.

"I Shall stand behind you, my lord."

Said the little devil, still in a low mood after he lost his horns.

"Me too, way, way behind you."

Never one to abandon his friend, the ghost joins in on the conversation.

And as our team of heroes in their high spirits trotted towards the gate as if they trotted towards the principal’s door, they noticed the weir looking goblin they assumed was the leader and a small horde of other goblins behind him ran towards him enthusiastically and surrounded our stunned hero.

"Aww, like a bunch of ugly little kids surrounding their equally horrid looking father."

Hearing the words, one of the younger looking goblins suddenly looked towards our hero with fervent eyes that did not go unnoticed by our sloth and asked-

"Daddy?"

...*snicker*

"...Just...just no."

Host killed a young goblin(E-)

And so, the tragic tale of how the father killed his bastard son comes to an end...and as the goblins saw the brutal killing of their fellow all but the leading one ran back to the safety of their village wall.

"Great honor to die great beast. But please not kill me great being. I useful. I shaman. Can make magic!"

Said the little goblin shaman as he summoned a pitifully small flame kindle and shot it at a nearby stone, barely darkening its surface.

"...I am thinking about it. Do you have food? Preferably not the human or goblin kind?"

"Yes! Yes! Many berries and yummy insect on fire Make great eating for lord and his funny looking red goblin!"

"...May I exterminate these pests, my lord?"

"You know, you do look kind of like a bigger than average goblin without your horns. Cannot fault them for that. Have some compassion for your fellow hornless humanoid monsters."

This content has been unlawfully taken from Royal Road; report any instances of this story if found elsewhere.

"..."

Later in the evening

In the middle of the run-down looking village with shabby imitations of what I assume are meant to be huts, our friends and a few dozen goblins surround a huge campfire, the goblins screaming and jumping to and fro, while our gluttonous hero single handedly empties their whole supply of food and the little demon sulks around together with our ghost once again.

Of course, there is also the goblin shaman constantly fawning over our sloth at the sidelines.

"Oh, greatest beast of eating lots of yummy food, hoping’s the great eating pleases you, yes?"

*burp*

"Oh yeah, that hit the right spot, for the first time putting something in my mouth something that is not leaves or some random elf arm, great service, best I ever had...3 out of 5 stars to you my green stinking friend."

"Yes, yes greatest friend I to you. Is wonderful to be greatest friend with you."

"Yep, let me tell you something, nobody of my alive friends would ever say being my friend is something bad."

As our goblin nodded continuously as if he was at a metal show, he suddenly looked nervous and wanted to ask our hero something.

"Huh? What you want from me? Come tell me, believe me, I am a great listener."

"Yeah, just like talking to a wall."

"See? exactly what he said, I am like a wall, always there for you to talk to and never running away from you right? Now spew it out."

"Well, great beast, my village accidentally stopped a near village son from living and they angry at us for it."

"So what? They going to come and try to kill you? And you want me to kill them first? Pff, sure, why not, I could use the experience. Hell, even Timmy here could handle a bunch of goblins, even if their whole shitty village came here."

"I promise you I will defend this shithole here as long as you give me more food. Believe me, I never break my promises."

While our benevolent hero tried to lessen the worries of the goblin shaman, he instead looked even more nervous.

"You see, we not killings other goblin clan, we killings-

"LITTLE GOBLINS COME OUT OF YOUR STUPID WALL THING! STUPID GOBLIN NEED WALL, BIG BRAIN ORC HEAD JUST BUILD WALL OUR OF DEAD BODY OF ENEMIES!"

And many deep and loud laughs and roars were heard from outside the little village.

"Uhm...Timmy, could you maybe look outside for a moment."

And so, our courageous demon proudly walked to the giant wooden gate and... slightly opened it and peeked outside, onyl to abrubtly close it again and started to sweat immediately, probably because today is such a hot summer day.

"Ehm...my lord?"

"...How is the situation?"

"You think you can handle about a hundred orcs, some on mounts, charging at you?"

"YES, CAN, RIGHT GREAT MONSTER, NOW FIGHT WITH US FOR BIG GLORY, YES?"

The shaman loudly proclaimed as he got all the goblins together to organize themselves for their last stand.

"...Timmy?"

"Yes, my lord?"

"You can go kill them all."

But our demon looked very nervously at our sloth as if he just told him to go kill himself. Which he pretty much did.

"Lord, I cannot deal with so any orcs, stop joking!"

"Yes, cannot you just die with pride already? Never mind, how about you just die?"

"...Whoever said anything about killing orcs?"

"Huh? What do you mean-ooohhh...to my pleasure, my lord."

And so, the now smiling demon suddenly started ripping into the nearby goblins with his sharp clawed hands.

"WHA-? YOU PROMISE MAKING, NO BREAKING PROMISE!"

"Huh, promise? What promise? You got some evidence for that? Timmy did I ever make a promise to him?"

"No, my lord, never."

He said as he continuously killed more and more goblins, as they either ran from him or cowered in fear.

"See?"

"BUT- But then the demon, already finished killing most of the bigger goblins, shoved his hand right through the breast of the goblin shaman.

"Sheesh, that looks like it hurts."

"It certainly does, my lord."

Once again in the village our hero stands in the middle of it as our little demon puts the dismembered heads of the goblins on numerous sharp wooden spikes.

"So, why again must he do this? That is not just for fun, is it?"

"No, you dumbass ghost, if you have not noticed yet, outside there is a horde of orcs continuously screaming about how many methods they have to give us a horrendous death, an impressive amount to boot, and I really want to make it clear that we aren’t with these shit goblins, but instead on their side, so that they won’t hopefully try to fucking eat me again."

"Again?"

"Don't ask."

Just as our demon stabbed the last head of the goblins on the spikes the wooden gate got thrown open and an army of giant green orcs waltzed in.

"BIG BRIAN ORCS DONT USE DOOR, THES SMASH IT NOW COME OUT STUPID SMALL BRAIN GOBLIN-Huh?"

As the orcs saw the horrific scene in front of him of a giant sloth and a crippled demon standing beside the little forest of impaled goblin heads, they suddenly stopped with their inane screaming.

"H-Hey, great...very, very smart orcs and strong and brave-

"AND WITH BIG BRAINS!"

Screamed on of the orcs suddenly after which many of the others nodded their head along as if what he said was very wise.

"Yes, yes also very big brain, in fact you have the biggest brain I have ever seen in orcs."

"YES, WE HAVE!"

And so, the orcs imploded into loud cheers and screams, like children who have been proving right screaming in victory.

"...Yes, yes, very great, so great in fact, that you guys know that I-"

"You?"

"...That WE-"

"Try again."

"...That I send MY intern to kill those goblins for YOU, which means that not only do you NOT kill us but... but ALSO give us food as a reward."

"...Well, close enough."

The orcs heard what he was saying, but seemingly struggled with the highly convoluted plan he gave them, not quite understanding why they could not just kill him and started arguing amongst each other.

"WE KILL HIM! ORC KILL YES. NOT KILL BAD AND NOT BIG BRAIN!"

"BUT WE BIG BRAIN, AND HE SAID BIG BRAIN REWARD GIVE!"

"NO, ONLY GREAT RED MAN WITH BIG WHITE BEARD GIVE REWARD TO GOOD BEHAVING ORCS. WE ARE NO BIG CHRISTMAS MAN!"

"I SMARTEST OF ALL. I SAY WE KILL THEM ALL AND THEN REWARD US WITH BIG FEAST AND LARGE BURNING FIRE."

As one of the goblins said that all of them unanimously started to agree, as it made sense to them...somehow.

"Wait, no, NO- we can talk about this, I DON'T TAST GOOD AT ALL PLEASE DONT COME NEAR ME YOU FUCKIGN GREEN SHITS-"

"STOP ALL."

Just as our friends were about to be made into flavorful meat paste one of the bigger and more menacing looking orcs stopped them for some reason.

"Tch, could have at least killed that bastard before stepping in..."

"WHY STOP NOW GREAT BIG BRAIN ELDER ORC? HAVE MORE BIG BRAIN IDEA?"

They questioned their apparently revered elder orc. But he just shook his head and walked towards Dick.

"...Ehm. Hey, thanks for not killing me man, hey you seem kind of familiar-"

But he ignored our hero and instead picked up one of the wooden spikes with an impaled goblin head still on it and threw it to the other side of the village? What?

"...GO GET BIG STICK."

"...No...no, no, for fucks sake-"

"GO DOGGY, GET STICK, OR BAD DOGGY AND HAS TO BE EATEN BECAUSE SMALL BRAIN IS BAD."

...I swear to God if he makes me eat one of those fucking goblin heads-