Ticky was quiet for a long time. He didn’t talk but his stomach growled audibly.

“When’s the last time you ate?” I asked.

“Yesterday,” Ticky said.

I turned to the Nannies Shiv and Shank. They both shrugged.

When I continued staring Nanny Shank shot back, “We’d feed him if there was anything to eat.”

“Wait, you don’t have food?” I checked my menu. Yep it was right there. Imminent starvation. It was seriously affecting morale.

“Not enough,” Nanny Shiv explained. “One hundred thousand is a lot of mouths to feed.

“We could eat the mobs from last night. There were hundreds-” I started.

“Ate ‘em” Nanny Shank cut in.

“Already?” I asked.

“For breakfast,” Nanny Shiv said.

I took a deep breath loudly to drown out the voice in my head saying, ‘you are going to get these people killed, you dumb son of a bitch.’

That wasn’t useful.

Wait!

I pulled the mug of Titanic Brew.

Analyze Check… Successful

Mug of Infinite Joy

This is a lesser artifact made by the Titan Spawn Cole. Any beverage poured into this mug will be infinitely dispensed until a new liquid is poured into it.

I looked at the cup more closely. It was made of a dull metal and covered in small little symbols. Wait, why couldn’t I read them? I looked closer. The markings on the cup weren’t writing. It was channels for a thin conduit of a different metal. It was like circuitry, probably why I couldn’t read it.

Analyze Check… Successful

This item is made of 90% Adamant and 8% Mithiril. The interconnected weave of the material allows for ambient mana to continuously replenish the material placed inside the cup, provided it is a liquid.

How was that not magic? What was the last two percent?

Analyze Check… Successful

The main power source for this item is a Djinn Fire.

Djinn fire is a Rare Scale Mcguffin.

Is it really just a matter of taking high scale material, and shaping it around a mcguffin?

May as well try.

I pulled all the shards of God Blessed Iron. I couldn’t just… will that stuff into shape. Staring at the stuff and wanting it to change shape did nothing. Actually less than nothing based on the prompt.

Craft check… Failed

Note: continued failures could result in destruction of material.

Maybe I should try doing this the correct way. I picked up two pieces and pulled the small hammer from my belt. I quickly tapped them with my crafting tools and the fragments merged into a flat plate.

“What are you doing?” Nanny Shank demanded.

“Trying to make a bigger one of these,” I said pointing at the mug with my chin before turning back to my work.

Nanny Shank opened her mouth to argue, but Spine said, “Let Doug cook a minute.”

“Don’t sass me, young man.” Nanny Shank started.

“I am a Mugwump, and I will not be cowed by you… ma’am,” Spine stood tall and unbowed. Spine also looked prepared to bolt if the old goblin took a swing.

She didn’t, but she did squint menacingly at him as she pulled a small pouch out of her dress pocket and offered it to Ticky. It was full of dried meat, and quickly became empty of dried meat.

Everyone watched as I worked. I was actually making good progress. About twenty minutes of tapping resulted in a massive cauldron that I could stand in.

Craft Check… Successful

God Blessed Iron Cauldron created.

This large metal pot was made by the left hand of the Titan. Within every atom of this vessel is the aspect of the Snow Lion.

This item is Demigod Scale.

Nanny Shank watched me like a hawk. Ticky watched as he chewed a piece of meat. Nanny Shiv and Spine exchanged looks while I worked.

I needed to scribe the patterns into it. This took way more effort. I had to carve the patterns into the surface using the hammer and chisel. It was slow at first, looking back and forth between my work and the cup. When I finished the first sequence, something clicked. After that each strike of the hammer carved the pattern again and again. After about ten minutes the cauldron was positively covered with markings.

I needed a second material. This pot was already filled with Snow Lion aspect -whatever that meant- so I might as well lean into the idea. I pulled Cait Sith tendons out of my inventory. Based on nothing other than seeing the Cait Sith actually use magic, I figured it was the most magical version of the Snow Lions.

Using the hooked knife I had crafted forever -two weeks- ago, I was able to cut the tendons into webbing. The webbing fitted into the etching of the cauldron easily.

Craft Check… Successful

Cauldron of Plenty created.

This mystical tool was crafted by the Left Hand of the Titan. It is an item meant to provide sustenance. Any food up to Heroic Scale placed into this pot can be duplicate with 3 MP.

Note1: requires non-duplicated food to be placed within the Cauldron of Plenty to begin duplication.

Note2: food in this cauldron can be duplicated multiple times with continued MP expenditure.

Note 3: a Cooking skill is required to use this item.

This item is Heroic Scale

Huh, wonder why the finished product was Heroic Scale rather than Demigod?

“Did Jumbo just bang out a magical item that can mass produce food in less than an hour?” Nanny Shank demanded.

“Told you to let him cook,” Spine smiled smugly at her.

Nanny Shank kicked his shin, “Nobody likes a wise guy.”

Nanny Shiv stepped between them, “Don’t rough house my kids.”

“Thanks Nanny,” Spine said.

“Adults are talking,” Nanny Shiv snapped at Spine before rounding on Nanny Shank. “You don’t get to bend the rules because you are old.”

“Fine,” Nanny Shank spat.

Ticky pointed at me as I pulled the Mother of All Snow Lions body out of my inventory, “He isn’t done…”

Mother of Snow Lions Corpse -2 (Demigod Scale)

This is the body of a dungeon final boss. Two McGuffins have been removed from the body. Any further attempts to remove a McGuffin from the body will have a 50% chance of destroying the body.

Due to removal of McGuffins this body cannot be broken down.

Attempt to collect McGuffin? Yes/No

I hit yes. I wanted the meat. There was a flash of light and the flesh was in a pile while the skin and bones landed next to it.

I checked the skin and bones. The skeleton was still intact and the skin unbroken. Just all the meat, blood, and organs gone. Into the inventory it went.

Mother of Snow Lions Corpse -3 (Demigod Scale)

This is the body of a dungeon final boss. Three McGuffins have been removed from the body. Any further attempts to remove a McGuffin from the body will have a 75% chance of destroying the body.

Stolen from its rightful author, this tale is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.

Due to removal of McGuffins this body cannot be broken down.

Attempt to collect McGuffin? Yes/No

I hefted the massive pile of muscles. It held together and hit the bottom of the cauldron with a wet ‘slap!’

We all looked at the pot. We kept watching. Nothing happened.

“Doug, what is supposed to happen?” Spine asked. He tried to sound polite, but a hurry the hell up was implied.

I considered it for a moment.

This thing probably needed to be primed with magic. I checked my Mystic Well. Between Brunhilda and I we had gathered 7,859 MP. Starting slow, I reached out to the Mystic Well mentally. It didn’t take much effort and I could feel the pool. It was immediately at hand, waiting for me to draw from it. I took one mote of MP.

A tiny speck of dark energy appeared in the palm of my hand. It was a pinpoint of blackness floating a few inches above my skin. It drifted easily with the slightest thought. As soon as I considered tossing it into the cauldron the mote dropped in.

A new prompt appeared.

It looks like you are trying to make an artifact .

Note: This action could have consequences.

Mana needed 1 of 1000

Please apply mana immediately or artifact will fail.

Hmmmm… might as well. I pulled another 999 MP from the well.

So it turns out MP is a lot like matches. One match isn’t a lot of fire. Ten matches lit at the same time produces more fire than eleven lit separately. This compounds. You can cause a pretty big fire, burn down a shed, and get grounded for three months if you light a whole box at once.

The ball of power I drew from the well was immense. It radiated energy. The air buzzed. Light faded in the presence of it. Holding it required everything I had. My muscles screamed, my mind buzzed. The core of magical power almost ruptured. My survival instinct circumventing my brain tossed the Mana into the cauldron.

Ploop!

For a brief moment nothing happened.

“I was expecting more,” Nanny Shank spoke up.

The cauldron began to bubble. It rattled against the ice. And then went still other than the continued bubbling. A legitimately pleasing smell wafted from it. Then the prompts hit.

New Achievement

Artificer

You have made an Artifact. The first of many. Sure this one is only Demigod Scale, and it is a lame ass cook pot, but you did it. Honestly though Adam made one four hours sooner and it was a fucking siege ram so maybe think of not being so boring and dumb.

Reward:

You get a new cauldron. Specifically a Lion’s Share Pot. This beautiful and functional appliance provides a near infinite amount of food. What more it is economical too. A mere 1MP provides enough food to feed 10,000. Great for parties, and family get-togethers. Simply serve and enjoy.

XP withheld. Contact Narrator for support… or don’t. You waited too long, and instead of banging a hottie, you fucked yourself. Good job. Have fun with the fallout. What happens next is basically your fault.

Oh good, the prompts are threatening me. To hell with it and Wilson. I had people to deal with.

The Nannies Shiv and Shank gazed at the pot. Spine reached out to poke it with a stick and both women slapped him without looking. Tichy watched the bubbling surface of the food. I tossed another MP into the pot and crafted a bowl from a snow lion skull. I scooped a portion out the Cauldron.

I offered it to Ticky. He took it and began eating immediately.

The bowl was almost empty when Spine asked, “Are we sure this is safe to eat?”

I was not… oops. We all watched Ticky.

He didn’t tip over as he finished, “It needs pepper.”

“Do you need more?” I asked.

“I am… full?” Ticky said, sounding surprised.

Nanny Shank put her hand to his forehead, “He isn’t running a fever.”

I crafted another bowl and scooped another portion, taking the time to actually look at it now.

Analyze check… Successful

Snow Lion Daube

This slow cooked stew is a hearty blend of meaty, vegetables and wine. Not too much going for it other than being Demigod Scale food and being pretty tasty… other than needing some pepper.

“This is Demigod Scale food,” I said.

The Nannies Shiv and Shank exchanged a look, “Enough fucking around then.” Shank said. “Grab this and take it outside.”

I did what they said.

Nanny Shank instantly started barking orders, “Paige, get the rest of the Nannies. Flint, get some shovels. You, yeah you, move those tents. We’re gonna try something.”

“What is going on?” Philip started

Nanny Shiv pulled him back away from Nanny Shank and me, “Don’t make her mad. She’s busy.”

“Move those damn tents!” Nanny Shank shrilled. She pulled a pipe out of her pocket and proceeded to start smoking. Once she had a good cloud of smoke she grabbed another goblin. “Get the group shower apparatus.”

‘What, why?” the young girl asked.

Nanny Shank just stared for a beat, and then took a deep breath, inhaling smoke.

This was apparently a bad sign. “Okay, okay!” the gal bolted to go do what she was told.

Once the tents were moved Nanny Shank told a bunch of the goblins to dig ten trenches.

“What are you doing?” I asked, still holding the Lion’s Share Pot.

“That thing makes a lot of food, but the only way we are going to actually feed people in a timely manner is if we get it set up to pour into another larger container for folks to then take from.” Nanny Shank said before puffing on the pipe. “I figure ten troughs in the ice is clean enough. Set them each 5 feet apart and make them 50 feet long and then pour this into the group shower setup. It is meant to collect water from cave walls and store it until you need it. Throw the lever and it pours out.”

I did the Construction for everyone. It only took me about 30 seconds, and I could force the ice to rise. This caused the troughs to form above ground level. The goblin got the shower apparatus in place. It was a mess of poles and pipes with a large tank feeding them. I Constructed a set of stairs and a platform while the Goblins removed the shower heads.

Nanny Shank nodded. “Line up! Nuts to Butts! Let’s go! Everyone!”

“What if we don’t have nuts?” a goblin asked.

“Just get in each other’s business. You’re about to eat,” Nanny Shank growled.

“Now when you say that…” A goblin started but quailed under the old goblins glare.

Once about 500 goblins were lined up, Nanny Shank called, “Pull the lever, Kronk!”

A large goblin tilted the Lion’s Share Pot, and pulled a lever on the tank. Stew splatter over the troughs.

“Shut it off!” Nanny Shank Shrilled. “Stop standing slack jawed. Close your fly catcher and grab your food!”

In the space of about ten minutes the goblins shuffled through and collected food.

“That will work,” Nanny Shank observed. She proceeded to organize forty more of the older goblins. Said older goblins proceeded to force everyone through this odd dispensary.

Doing some quick mental math if we could keep this pace going would still take 42 hours to feed everyone.

“This still isn’t enough, is it?” I asked Spine, Philip and Nanny Shiv.

“Nah It’s fine,” Nanny Shiv said. “That old goat Nanny Shank will have it running full time in like another twenty minutes.

“But at the current rate, even if we keep this running constantly it will take more than a day to feed everyone. Don’t people need to eat every day?” I asked.

Nanny Shiv looked at me like I was testing her.

Spine remembered I didn't know how food works, “If they are eating Common scale food, yeah. This is Demigod Scale food. Most people would probably only have to eat it once a month. I probably would last sixteen days before needing to eat again. Dad would need to eat every other day if we only ate this food.”

Hmmm. I should probably ask follow up questions… Nope. I might learn something if I do that. Besides, other shit was going on and this seemed to be working alright. We could survive one hungry day.

I turned my attention to Philip, “Sorry, what was it you wanted to talk about?”

Philip, and the others watched the goblins gather, line up, and filter through the bizarre food contraption. “I was going to tell you about the impending food riots.”

Nanny Shank locked eyes with an old goblin with a massive beard and wizard hat, “Pappy Havok, keep a lid on any food riots. We got a better option. Also tell your kids: get over here.”

The old goblin nodded. He stroked his beard for a moment, then picked up a large tent pull and wandered into the crowd.

“What was that?” I asked.

Before anyone could answer there was a loud “Bonk!” followed by someone shouting, “Why!?!?” which was answered by another, “Bonk!”

“Peace keeping,” Nanny Shiv said.

I didn’t love the violence that seemed to be baked into goblin culture. Specifically adults laying hands on kids. Maybe I am oversensitive to it, I don’t know.

I didn’t like it.

That said, watching the crowd I didn’t see any telltale signs. No closed body language. Nobody being hypervigilant. No battered and bloody kids. I sighed: perhaps goblins were just a full contact society? I needed to know more before ‘fixing’ anything.

“Any other trouble I should know about?” I asked, waving to Angelica and Brunhilda as they circled around the crowd. Being freakishly tall has some advantages.

Angelica, Brunhilda, and about twenty random goblins waved back.

Philip hesitated as they approached

“Doug, Why is there a stew shower in camp,” Angelica asked.

“Logistics reasons,” I said. The logistics reasons were I had no idea what I was doing,, no real thought was put into where to do this -by me, at least- and no one had stopped me.

“Right,” Angelica said slowly, grinning. Dammit she knew.

“Not a bad setup,buddy. You absolutely couldn’t do this by the Coast,” Brunhilda watched the stew shower function. “The heat and humidity would do bad things to the food, and the bugs would make the process miserable.”

I nodded, “What is the other issue, Philip?”

Philip gave Angelica and Brunhilda a brief look, “A lot of people are unhappy to have others right next to our camp. There is concern the soldiers are going to attack. You probably should address that. Now might be a good time.”

Impromptu public speaking… yep. I was still afraid of that.

Fuck it. I can only do this badly the first time once.

“Everyone. If I could have your attention, please,” I called.

They all looked at me.

Just keep talking, “It has been brought to my attention that people are concerned the Chimera Corps soldiers at our camp are dangerous. That concern is Valid,” Oops! I needed to get to the point, “But, they do not mean us any harm. Just leave them alone. They are holding the prisoners until the trial is done. After that, they are going to go clear a Dungeon.”

“So they aren’t here to kill us?” someone called back.

“No, the worst they will do is ask some of you to have sex with them.” Why did I say that out loud? That was sure to do nothing to calm people down. Now they were all going to be afraid of…

“Are they any good in bed?” a goblin called.

Or… goblins are apparently down to clown. Meh. I am not going to yuck other people’s yum. Plus not having to deal with a moral panic is a good thing.

“How would I know?” I asked, rather than say something smart.

“Who’s going to tell you no?” The first goblin demanded.

“I would!” The second said loudly, “Even if he is small proportionally… nope!”

I realized goblins were an… unfiltered people.

“Which ones?” Another goblin called. “One of them is way better looking than the others.”

“I am not sure, I just didn’t want any surprises leading to…” I started. Ignoring the argument about my anatomy.

“Should we just go over there?” A fourth goblin called. A handful of goblins looked ready to head that way.

“Here me out!” the first goblin yelled over the others at the second. “For the clout!”

The second goblin looked stunned, “Clout! Clout! What good is clout if you rupture like a tire!”

“Everyone! Slow down! That isn’t happening till after the trial.” I bellowed over the increased yelling.

Things went quiet. I took a moment to collect my thoughts on what to say next. This was a mistake. Another goblin took this opportunity to yell, “Are they into butt stuff?”