1. COLB TO ADVENTURE
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It was a sunny day in Skaal. Goblin children were muddying up their cheap, ragged clothes as they played in the dirt. Spiderbats were gliding overhead, searching for their next meal. Colb, a stout goblin, 23 years of age, let out a peaceful sigh as he crammed the last toadroach into his culinary masterpiece.
Colb took a step back to admire his work. A few days ago, he had purchased a large chickengoose from Gugs, a farming goblin of the Kreet tribe. Here in Skaal, chickengoose cuisine was a rare delight. Most goblins renowned the creature for its plump, spherical hide – this is where the bulk of its nutrition comes from. However, to the more delicate goblin pallet, the best part of a chickengoose is, in actuality, its long, feathery neck. The white feathers coating the outside of the neck give it an elegant, crunchy exterior, while the inside of the tube is a blank canvas of possibility.
For this particular meal, Colb filled the chickengoose neck with crushed and boiled toadroaches. Toadroaches – a small, green insect – melt into a soft and juicy goo when boiled for just the right amount of time. By placing them inside the throat of a chickengoose, Colb had created a masterpiece for the tongue: a crunchy, feathery outside with a gooey, juicy interior. A perfect meal for a particularly wealthy customer.
Colb picked up a broken metal shield, which he had been using for the past ten seasons as a plate for customers in his tavern. He gave the shield a quick polish, and saw his beady red eyes and gnarly green skin reflect back at him through the metal. “Another excellent meal, hmmm!” Colb said to his hairless reflection, as he slid the tube of meat onto the busted shield.
The 3’ 2” tall goblin carried the meal through his small, tent-like tavern. He glanced at his restaurant’s fabric walls, which were decorated with a set of ragged drawings given to him by some Skaal children – the only decoration in this otherwise dull and dreary building.
Colb let out a short, anxious sigh, then tread towards the single wooden table he’d set up for customers. As he walked barefoot, his sharp toenails gripped the dirt of the unfinished floor. He hobbled along carefully, so as not to drop the precious cargo.
“Hmmm! This will taste good, yes?” Colb stated, placing the busted shield down on the mapleoak table. Across from him sat 27, a wealthy, middle-aged goblin of the Yiklar tribe. Although nobody in Skaal would have such an unusual name, number names were commonplace amongst the Yiklar goblins. To a Yiklar, the numbered name was a symbol of honor, representing great success in some aspect of the goblin business world – with a lower number generally correlating to a more important goblin.
With a number name as low as 27, the customer sitting at this table alone likely represented more wealth than the entirety of the Skaal tribe. Just one look at him verified this suspicion – 27’s sharp black robe of fine silk, sinched together at the neck with a shiny purple clip, gave stark contrast to Colb’s old leather uniform and dusty white chef’s hat.
27 looked up at him, with a golden-yellow gaze. The goblin smiled, showing his teeth sharpened to points, as he exclaimed, “AaAaaaaahhhh, merchant! You’ve brought me most rarest of meals!” The goblin pulled the shield closer to himself, and inspected the stuffed chickengoose neck. The noble goblin gave the cuisine an audible sniff with his huge, green, spiked nose. “Yiklar merchants sell goods of the highest-of-quality, but only here in Skaal can I find such rarest of dining experience!” 27 exclaimed.
Colb smiled, but his body language was closed overall, as he nervously awaited 27’s opinion on the meal. With his clawed hands on either side of the shield, 27 leaned forward, delicately placed his brownish-green lips on one end of the tube, and then slurped the entire thing into his mouth and down his throat in a single swift gulp.
Beads of sweat formed on Colb’s brow as 27 licked his lips and scratched his chin, as if pondering the meal. After a few seconds, which felt like a few hours to Colb, 27 lifted an eyebrow, then exclaimed, “AaAaaaaahhhh, a most wonderful meal! Meal was of most excellent flavor!” Colb let out a sigh of relief, pleased to receive the good feedback. Colb cared about impressing every customer. He had feared that his work, made in a cheap kitchen in an impoverished tribe, might not be up-to-standard for such a wealthy goblin. It was nice to hear that those fears were unfounded.
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“But this is most strange to me,” 27 continued, “because meal was so fine and yet – yet, there exist only one single table in tavern. Why? Is culinary skill such unknown to others in Skaal, there is no need for second table? For two customers to dine at same time?”
Colb scratched the back of his head, perplexed by the question. “Hmmm, Skaal tribe is quite smaller than Yiklar tribe, yes? I serve a few travelers each day from the other tribes – like you – but I have no regular customers from Skaal. There are never enough goblins in here at once to justify second table, yes?”
“AaAaaaaahhhh, this is true, the Skaal tribe is most smallest of the goblin tribes. But, if I were Skaal goblin, I would eat here every day!” 27 triumphantly replied.
“Hmmm, but Skaal goblins cannot afford to buy fine meals every day, yes?” Colb answered, as he gestured towards a circular window cut out in the side of the tent. Through this window, young goblins of the Skaal tribe could be seen playing with a stick in the mud. “Skaal tribe has run out of goldatinum. Even Skaal children lack the Yiklar-made toys that I grew up with.”
“No!” 27 exclaimed, shocked to his core. A loud BANG! echoed throughout the tent as the goblin slammed his hands down on the table. “You mean your tribe cannot afford the highest-of-quality, Yiklar-made goods that my tribe shares with world?”
“Hmmm, that’s right, yes?” Colb replied as he picked up the shield 27 had just eaten off of. The dirt of the unfinished floor rolled around Colb’s feet as he tread back to the bar. Colb grabbed a rag from a nearby bucket, dunked it in some peppersalt water, and began to wash off the busted shield.
“MMmMmmmm, 1 said situation was dire in Skaal, but I had no idea you were deprived even of highest-quality Yiklar goods,” 27 mumbled.
“You’ve spoken with 1?” Colb replied inquisitively, frowning as he looked back at 27. “That sounds important, yes? It’s quite a low number, yes?”
“AaAaaaaahhhh, yes, it is lowest of low numbers,” 27 agreed. “In fact, 1 is extra-special name, reserved only for the leader of our tribe.”
“Hmmm, what did 1 have to say about Skaal?” Colb prodded.
“MMmMmmmm, yes, well I have spoken with 1, and he shows concern for your plight, yes he does. See, while sales of Yiklar goods within Yiklar borders and even in some dwarven towns have been steady, sales with other three goblin tribes have been down, yes they have been. 1 has become concerned that other three goblin tribes are out of goldatinum to spend, yes they are, and therefore are too poor to continue purchasing of highest-quality, Yiklar-made goods from Yiklar tribe.”
“Hmmm! That does match this situation, yes?” Colb replied, as he turned back to the counter and continued washing off the shield.
“I CAN’T BELIEVE THAT, no I cannot!” 27 shouted, pushing away from the table and standing up suddenly. His chair thumped backwards into the dirt. “To not have access to highest-of-quality, Yiklar-made goods! To have so many amazing Yiklar deals which cannot be afforded, even though they are most spectacular of deals and special of offers!”
Colb put down the cleaning supplies, but kept holding onto the shield, now a bit wary of 27’s emotional outburst. “Here!” 27 shouted, as he pulled out a green bag and stuck his hand in. “Payment for meal, to get things moving, yes this is!” The yellow-eyed goblin dramatically yanked his hand out of the bag, flinging a pile of goldatinum nuggets and an electronze tooth onto the table.
Now, Colb had of course been hoping for a large tip, but this was maybe eighty goldatinum pieces and one electronze piece. That was far above the price for a single meal. He looked down at the chunks of metal, which had no adornments, but were of a roughly standardized size. “Hmmm! Meal was pricey, but not this pricey, yes? You mustn’t pay such much, yes?”
“No,” 27 replied defiantly, as he clipped his green bag back onto his belt. “This amount is most reasonable of deal for the food you provided. I watched as you worked, and I think I know why you really have just one table in this tavern.”
27 dusted himself off, picked his chair off the ground and pushed it back into the table, then walked up to Colb at the bar. He gently pointed one of his nasty green fingers at Colb’s chest, with his overgrown, sharpened fingernail lightly touching the leather uniform, right above Colb’s heart. “Quality defeats quantity,” 27 whispered, looking Colb dead in the eyes. “That is the Yiklar way!” he continued, suddenly spreading his arms out in an open and friendly manner.
“You have just one table because you wish to give full focus to just one customer at a time. Each customer is so special and important to you – yes, I see it now – you are most caring and wise merchant, just like me!”
27 clapped his hands with glee, dancing a little bit as he spoke. “Hmmm! Your words are too kind,” Colb replied, “I am but simple chef in smallest of goblin tribes, yes?”