Name: Tabby
Occupation: Chesticle Frog-Swallower (Gold Rank Adventurer)
Species: Dark Elf
Level: 82/100
Alignment: Arrogant-and-unstoppably-racist
Faction: Chesticle Dynasty
“Toady! Look! Look!”
“It’s a Gold Adventurer,” I remarked in fascination.
“Not that, you airhead! It’s a Dark Elf!”
“Why are her torso glands so swollen? And what’s the Chesticle Dynasty?”
“Those are its mammary glands,” he replied informatively. “And I have no idea about the Dynasty.” He leafed through his Encyclopaedia for a bit. “Ah. It’s a relatively new Dynasty, only three generations old, but they’re powerful in the Deep Forest kingdoms of the western continent. It seems they’re responsible for pulling Dark Elves back from the brink of extinction! Also, their name seems to refer to a genetic quirk of their bloodline, which gives them big b—”
“Why are all my minions looking at her torso pouches like that?”
“It’s a natural humanoid response.”
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Tabby sighed. It was just another backwater town, though this one was more inbred and misbegotten than the last.
“Hurry up, Yopi!” she called at her temporary companion.
Name: Yopi
Occupation: Barista Battle-Brewer (Iron Rank Adventurer)
Species: White Elf
Level: 14/100
Alignment: Unlucky-but-daring
Faction: Lady Tabby’s pack-mule and adventuring guide
He came running, his lanky body straining under the weight of the enormous rucksack she had given him to carry. The tiny fairy companion Yopi had somehow been blessed with floated along behind him, staring daggers at Tabby.
Name: Popi
Occupation: Adventuring and Lifestyle Coach
Species: Fairy
Level: 1/1
Alignment: Clever-and-wise-but-always-ignored
Faction: Yopi’s Fairy Coach
“Is this really the place where I can find a quest worthy of my mettle?” Tabby wondered out loud, looking around at the many disgusting inhabitants, who stared at her with their big eyes and lips, some of them even covered in scales.
“I assure you, Lady Tabby!” Yopi told her.
“We heard rumours of this place in Hekkenfelt,” Popi added to back up her elven Ward.
Tabby turned to point at a fat dark-skinned boy, who looked like a parody of her proud race. “You there, fat one! Take me to your Guild Office!”
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“I swear, Toady. If you let this one die to the Calamity, I will be SO upset!”
“How do you think that White Elf got a Fairy?”
“Who cares, White Elves are always weird! Seriously! Listen to me! I won’t have the scion of a great Dark Elf dynasty perish because we sent them on an unbeatable quest.”
Unauthorized reproduction: this story has been taken without approval. Report sightings.
“Oh…” I started, looking at the trio. “She just took the quest.”
“NO!”
Now spectating team: ‘Tabby, Yopi, & Popi’ engaging in quest: ‘Calamity Hydra-Goose’!
“Can I please leave now?” Yopi asked, remembering the description of the quest that Tabby had picked. Not only had it been Gold Rank, but it had also taken the lives of two other Adventurer parties!
“Absolutely not. You still owe me for ruining my favourite bathing suit.”
Yopi had bumped into Tabby at a luxury resort many kilometres northwest of Earl Sharpee’s realm, quite literally bumped into her, and had spilled his newest coffee blend all down her swimsuit, irreparably staining it forever. The Dark Elf had, in return, demanded he pay her the three kilos of gold it had cost her to acquire it, but when Yopi had obviously not been able to afford so steep a renumeration, she had made him her Adventuring Guide, tasking him with finding all most difficult quests in the lands. By pure osmosis, Yopi had gained thirteen levels and ranked up to becoming an Iron Badge in the Guild, but he had never wanted to be an Adventurer in the first place. No. His passions lay in brewing coffee. He wanted to travel all the continents in search of the best beans for his craft, not risk his life fighting monsters.
Popi, his faithful companion, had unfortunately been dragged into this mess as well, but she had no real choice, given that she had been tied to Yopi since his birth, due to him being born on a particularly auspicious day. Though, given the trajectory his life had taken, it seemed more like he had been cursed rather than blessed, but it was no fault of his Fairy Coach, who always tried her best to steer him true.
“Finally, a track,” Tabby remarked.
Yopi was already breathless from carrying the heavy rucksack for the Dark Elf, though he had a sneaking suspicion stuff kept falling out, given that it weighed significantly less now than two weeks ago. When he had time to stop and rest, he would need to check the bag to see if it had holes in it or something.
“What on earth is that!?” Tabby suddenly exclaimed, then with a ululating cry she charged into a ruined clearing with black-charred earth all around. As she ran, the movements jiggled her enormous b—
“Look out!” Popi cried and instinctively Yopi dove to his stomach as a spear of superheated plasma shot past, obliterating his rucksack, but somehow leaving his body unscathed.
Ahead of him, the Gold-Ranking Dark Elf was flinging her needle-like fingernails at the four-headed monstrosity, though to little effect. Her unique magic allowed her to control her fake nails like projectiles and, in Yopi’s experience, there was woefully little that she couldn’t decimate in seconds with the ten impossibly-sharp nail projectiles. But, somehow, the eight-metre-tall Calamity was impervious even to her attacks, though one of its four heads was covered in old burn scars that Tabby continued to aim for, hoping it was a weak-spot.
“By the light,” Popi muttered where she floated in front of Yopi, who still lay prone on the ground, too afraid to move. The Fairy was holding her right hand up and forming a V with her index and middle fingers, between which a strange bubble had formed. He recognised it as her Appraisal skill.
“How strong is it?” he asked, knowing that it had to be over level 85 at least.
“Two-hundred-and-fourteen levels…” she mumbled in disbelief.
A crack of thunder split the air in half and made Yopi’s ears ring. When he dared open his eyes again, he saw Tabby standing before the beast, her body charred to a crisp and little luminous snakes of light dancing across her skin. Then the four heads descended on her and each took a chunk away, leaving behind nothing but her metal boots.
The ground rumbled as the monster waddled over to where he lay in the grass, using its four sets of webbed feet.
Yopi and Popi looked up at their impending death—
Spectating cancelled due to: Quest Abandonment (no eligible Adventurers remain in team)
“Bless it all to Heaven!” Imu blasphemed angrily, stomping his foot on the ground in anger.
“The Honking Calamity grew another head,” I remarked. “That’s not good.”
“NOTHING IS GOOD ABOUT THIS!” Imu yelled.
“Do you think the Barista guy survived?”
“What do you think!?”
“Oh, look!” I said, indicating a minion in my settlement who was holding strange metal canister in his hands.
Imu ignored me, so I used my Appraisal on the item in the minion’s hand:
Name: Coffee Thermos
Occupation: Heated Beverage Container
Species: Thermos (Container)
Level: 1/1
Alignment: Neutral-with-a-slight-aftertaste-of-the-last-beverage-it-contained
Faction: Yopi’s Barista Equipment
“Coffee? What’s that?” I wondered.
Congratulations! For discovering the drink known to white elves as ‘coffee’, you unlocked the ability to construct a Hipster Coffee Shop!
>Structures>Vendor
— Hipster Coffee Shop (Farming Plot & Bakery)—
Unlocks the ability to evolve an aesthetically-challenged minion offspring who dwells on the greatness of the days of yore to Barista
Required Materials: Quarried Stone & Timber
“Have I mentioned how I hate this System?” Imu asked.