After locking the disgusting Molerat Midget in the Gaol, I unlocked a new achievement:

Congratulations! For jailing an innocent person for the crime of being ugly, you have unlocked the ability to craft an Executioner’s Slab and can now evolve a Butcher into an Executioner!

>Structures>Entertainment

—Executioner’s Slab (Gaol & Mayor’s House)—

Unlocks the ability to evolve a Butcher into an Executioner and enables the public execution of those in your Gaol, which will increase minion satisfaction and motivation for an entire day

Required Materials: Wood

“That’s… that’s kind of messed up.”

“Where should I put it?”

Imu started massaging the bridge of his tiny nose. “Might as well put it right in front of the Mayor’s House…”

“Great idea!”

“Toady… that was sarcasm.”

“I already placed the blueprint.”

He sighed loudly, and even Goldie let out an adorable chirp in agreement with her master.

“I must say,” I started, changing the subject, “the midget is really complaining a lot.”

“He was jailed just for being ugly,” Imu pointed out.

“By the way,” he added, “don’t you think it’s time?”

“Time? Time for what?”

“You know… time to teach your minions how to speak?”

“What do you mean?”

“…Please tell me you have noticed.”

“I don’t think so.”

“Deathheim grant me strength…” he prayed. “Toad… your minions are unable to speak. They can literally only gibber, grunt, chirp, or make other inane sounds.”

“But then, how are they able to communicate?”

“I haven’t the faintest idea.”

“And didn’t some of them go to towns and cities and trade our produce for money? How’d they do that if they couldn’t communicate?”

“One of life’s great mysteries, that. Although, I suspect they were basically robbed, given how little coin and other random materials returned with the carts…”

“Then how do we teach them to talk?”

“Check it out.” He waved his hand into the air and an entry in the Crafting List appeared:

[Crafting List]

>Structures>Education

—Whomen Language School (Workbench, Hermit’s Lodge, & Mayor’s House)—

Unlocks the ability for your Toadcaller to teach the rest of your minions to talk like whomens

Required Materials: Timber, Stone, & Wrought Iron

“Wait. My Toadcaller is capable of speech already?”

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“He is the minion who looks most human,” Imu replied. “Also, have you not heard him when he chants his spells?”

“I’ll put it next to the Merchant Shops so they can learn the language first, then I’ll evolve them into Wandering Merchants.”

“Solid plan,” he told me.

“I can’t believe we were robbed!” I exclaimed.

“It was just a theory.”

“ROBBED I SAY! I will teach my Merchants the ability to haggle so fiercely that all the backstabbing people of other towns will have no choice but to let go of all their hard-earnt money!”

“How do you even know what haggling is?” he asked.

“THE RISE OF TOAD TOWN IS IMMINENT!!!”

“Alright, calm down there, Toady-boy. You’re starting to worry me again.”

“Sorry. It’s just…”

“Yea?”

“I’ve discovered something new about myself.”

“Tell me more.”

“I really love money.”

Imu sighed. “…Somehow you still manage to let down my expectations and I basically have none left at this point.”

“Oh, look! More Adventurers!”

“Hells, you’ve got the attention span of a bee.”

“Thank you.”

“It wasn’t a compliment.”

“Oh.”

I quickly appraised the two newcomers to my settlement:

Name: Lyzänder

Occupation: Wand Magus (Silver Rank Adventurer)

Species: Halfling

Level: 69/100

Alignment: Full-of-potential

Faction: Woodfell Adventurers’ Guild (Team Chesticles)

Name: Nim-Nem-Nom

Occupation: Illusionistic Fleetfoot Scoundrel (Silver Rank Adventurer)

Species: ¿Definitely Human?

Level: 62/100

Alignment: Full-of-conflicting-and-overlapping-emotions

Faction: Woodfell Adventurers’ Guild (Team Chesticles)

The first character was short like the disgusting Molerat Midget had been, but looked way less abominable and exuded a charming aura that seemed to make many of my idle and unassigned minions look his way, attention which he seemed to be revelling in, while he twirled his long wand in his hands skilfully.

The second person was an odd one though. First off, they were twice as tall as Lyzänder and their movements were wobbling and uncoordinated, like three stones stacked unevenly and shifting constantly in the wind. Where the Halfling wore well-fitting seemingly-tailored clothing, the tall figure wore a simple buttoned-up coat that was so long that it dragged behind them as they carefully wobbled down the main avenue towards the wall behind which lay the Guild Office. Additionally, what little of their body was visible, mainly the head, had a long and thick nose, floppy and huge ears, and dark-emerald-green skin with scales.

“Is that three goblins in a trench coat?” Imu asked. “Also, why is that Halfling holding his wand like that?”

“Do you think they’ll accept the quest to fight the Honking Calamity?”

“Who knows. Maybe they’re just looking around?”

“But I want their items for my Adventurers!”

“…You want them to die, you mean. Why don’t you just kill them in the open and get it over with then?”

“But that would be mean and evil.”

“…And basically luring them to their deaths isn’t?”

“They themselves decide if they want to take the quest!”

“Alright, fine. Let’s just see what they do.”

Quick as a dragonfly, I flew into the body of my Guild Master and greeted the two new visitors. They ignored my welcoming gestures and went straight to the Quest Boards, skimming over all the menial ones and picking the one for the Calamity Goose3.

“Get the money ready,” said the Halfling, hefting the flier in the air in front of the Guild Master as they left out the door.

From the tall figure, who kept banging their forehead against every wooden beam in the building, came three separate voices, each saying the same thing: “Money! Money! Money!”

After using the Scrying Pond and watching the new party struggle to find their quest target for over an hour, I got bored and floated out through the Guild Office, heading towards the Gentlewhomen’s Club, where, to my elation, a couple dozen lazy unproductive minions lounged around within, complaining about the lack of serving staff.

Since evolving, I had learnt to selectively target things with my essence, not only making me quicker and better at possessing my leader-type minions like the Mayor and Guild Master, but also enabling me to selectively evolve minions, without the need to evacuate all others nearby lest I create another minion meatball monstrosity.

So, I quickly swept through the Club, evolving the minions into Aristocracy until I reached the limit of twenty. When all twenty had been evolved, the remaining four lazy minions were seen as intruding plebeian scum and were ousted from the Club.

“Quack! I daresay the utter lack of service in this establishment is utter frogstools!”

“Chirp! Indeed, my fellow high-minded twin! We ought to pen a strongly-worded letter to the proprietor and condemn them for such wanton lack of attention paid to us proper whomenfolk.”

“Ribbit! Would anyone like to breed with me?”

“Quack! Why don’t you breed with one of those unevolved ones!”

“Croak! Are you sure you even belong here?”

“Chirp! What horny barbarian have we let into our midst, my twins!?”

Sudden laughter broke out across the Club, as all the Aristocratic minions mocked the one who had dared suggest they mate. This troubled me, because I needed them to do just that to create a minion worthy of becoming a Lord.

With laughter and croaking sounds filling the Club, the mocked Aristocrat left with his head low to commit the heinous act of actually mixing his superior lazy and unproductive genes with those of the lowborn unevolved minions.

“What an utter waste of resources,” Imu commented. “If it wasn’t for the fact that it’s a requirement and the literal only way to enable you to evolve a Lord for your Castle, then I’d suggest we burn it to the ground.”

“Why are they able to talk? I haven’t built the Whomen Language School yet…”

“I… erm…” Imu quickly scrolled through his Encyclopaedia. “Hm. There’s no explanation for it,” he answered with a shrug. “Just one of those things I guess.”

“Have you seen System lately?”

“Yeah, she’s harassing the midget in the Gaol.”

“What should I do with him?”

“Apologise?”

“ABSOLUTELY NOT!”

“Okay. First off, don’t yell at me, you ingrate. Secondly, this is why you think things through.”

“I think I’ll execute him. My minions need to have some fun.”

Imu sighed. “Why did you curse me with helping a psycho, Lord Deathheim?”