“It was fun while it lasted,” Imu said fatalistically.
“What happens now?” I asked.
“The cold uncaring embrace of Oblivion. Although Deathheim says he’s not such a bad guy.”
As System stood triumphantly above the Missionary’s defeated and curled-up body, a pillar of light encapsulated her unconscious figure as though the sun had chosen only to illuminate her.
“Are you fu—” Imu started, before he was drowned out by a loud shearing sound, like a tree being ripped in half or when the Loom Minion ran his blade along the cloth he made.
The Missionary’s body shot upright and then pointed a finger at System.
“You dog ****, how dare you blaspheme against my greatness!”
“What’s happening?” I asked Imu. The Missionary now had light glowing out of her eyes and her posture had changed.
“Congratulations! Gods can’t touch me! I’m invincible!!!”
“No cretin is beyond my power!” the possessed Missionary yelled and light flowed from her shining eyes and into her outstretched hand. “GODLY SMITE!!!”
A ring of light formed around System’s doll feet and covered the ground in elaborate drawings and symbols, before a pillar of light, stronger than the first we’d already seen, enveloped her and utterly scalded the earth upon which she stood, reducing the grass to ashes and turning the soft brown earth into black carbonised matter.
When the pillar of light waned in strength and vanished, System was revealed to be unscathed.
The possessed Missionary didn’t take this well and repeated her spell again:
“GODLY SMITE!!!”
And again:
“GODLY SMITE!!!”
And again…
“GODLY SMITE!!!”
She stomped the ground in childish impotence and then pointed both hands at System, light suffusing her entire body now, and yelled:
“DIVINE CASTIGATION!!!”
System’s arms were pulled out to the sides by invisible ropes and her head was wrenched back to stare directly upward, where a massive golden sword the size of my tree hovered. Then the blade descended with incredible speed and tore through System’s doll body, somehow not harming the surrounding area despite its enormous size.
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When this spell passed, System was still, remarkably, unharmed and stood defiantly opposed to the Missionary.
“Give it up, Lady,” Imu advised. “She’s in a God Entity vessel.”
The Missionary suddenly turned her head to Imu and my Guiding Fairy seemed to shrink a bit under the attention.
“YOU!” she said, pointing her finger at him. “WHY DID YOU PUT THIS CRETIN IN A GOD ENTITY VESSEL!? WHAT’S WRONG WITH YOU!?”
“Lady Light, do you really believe we have that power?”
The woman paused at his words, then turned back to System. “Those goddamn shitstain good-for-nothing imps always do whatever the fuck they wish! I’LL TOTALLY ANNIHILATE THEM!!”
I had a sudden epiphany. “Is that Lady Light??”
“Welcome to the conversation, Toady, you’re about ten minutes late…”
The Missionary spun towards me. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten about you! You foul cretin ****!”
“She’s not as pretty or as nice as the Missionary’s words made her seem,” I commented.
“What part of her sermon made you believe she was nice??” Imu replied, seeming to have found his usual sharp tone, even while standing before a very angry god.
“I’M JUST BORROWING THIS BODY! OKAY!? I’M WAY PRETTIER AND COOLER AND BEAUTIFULLER IN MY TRUE FORM!!!”
“I believe you,” I told her and the reply seemed to deflate some of her anger. “I’m sorry our System said all those mean things and kicked your Missionary in her reproductive organs. Can you please not erase us from the world if we build a church in our settlement?”
Lady Light narrowed her glowing eyes. “Will you venerate and adulate me in song and dance?”
“Of course!”
“Okay! I’ll spare you!” she replied cheerfully. “But one wrong step and I’m sending my crusades, okay!?”
“You’re being too kind,” Imu quickly replied. “Certainly you live up to your praiseworthy reputation!”
“I do, don’t I?”
“You’re so smart and cunning with your dealings with us lowly, plebeian, and foul mortal cretins!” he told her, really laying it on thick.
“I know right! Thank you for noticing! It’s so hard to get people to see that side of me, when all they ever talk about is how I crusade too much or how ‘insane’ my followers are! You guys are okay, even if you’re filthy and gross to look at!”
“Thank you, Lady Light. You’re definitely the coolest God!”
“I am, aren’t I? Okay, I’m out of here, byeeeee!”
A reverse of the first light pillar emerged out of the Missionary’s body and the light in her eyes vanished. After half a minute, the woman carefully got up and then looked around. Her eyes widened as she realised what had happened, then a big grin covered her face.
“Oh my lady! I’ve gotta get home and tell everyone about this! They’ll totally make me a prophet or something!”
Without another word, she ran off in a straight line leading out of my settlement.
When it was clear we were alone again, apart from all the minions who had been watching the ordeal in fascinated silence, Imu turned to look at where I was crouched in the Mayor’s body.
“You have no idea how close to death we both were.”
“She seemed very unhinged,” I replied.
“They say that ever since a mortal hero named Kevin dumped her, she has been crusading a lot. It was three thousand years ago though, so you’d think she’d gotten over it by now.”
“I still remember when I got dumped by my eighth cousin seventeen-times-removed,” I said with a sigh. “Toadella, you were so beautiful and I still think of the way your water-moist skin glistened in the moonlight.”
“Stop, you’re gonna make me barf. Also, is there a toad in this forest you weren’t distantly related to?”
“No.”
“But that would lead to a lot of inbreeding and birth defects,” he commented.
“We toads have to protect our superior genes from being diluted by inferior frog genetics.”
Imu pinched his face with his sausage-fingered palm.
“We’d best get to building that Church,” he said, forcefully switching subject.