“Gathered faithful, today I have come to preach the good word of our Lady Light, the holiest of holy. It is by her divine grace that you today are allowed to prosper!
“I say to you, gathered sheeplings, would you like to shed your woollen coats and attain enlightenment!?”
Imu gave me a side-eye. “Yes?” we both replied.
“Of course you want to hear of our fair Lady and the way your souls can attain true happiness! It is only by her grace that happiness can be attained, true happiness!
“Heretics, infidels, and mutant freaks only worship the evil, sinful word of the dark gods like Deathheim and Arnold the Goblin Butcher! Cast off any sinful notion of sharing in their unholy gospels and embrace the one true Divinity, Lady Light!”
Imu grumbled something under his breath and, quick as lightning, the Missionary snapped her head towards him.
“Just clearing my throat,” he lied. “Please don’t let me stop you.”
“Okay! Don’t interrupt again or I’ll purge you,” she replied cheerfully. Next to where I squatted in the Mayor’s body, Imu suddenly stood rigidly upright.
The woman continued, “Have you ever experienced strife in your life? Of course you have! Strife is the nature of the Mortal Realm, but in the fold of our Lady and Saviour, whose benevolent light covers the world, you will never again have to experience strife! With a small steady donation to our church, you may attain this enlightenment of soul and when your time is due, her grateful embrace will find you and keep you safe for eternity!”
“I have a question,” I said, Imu nudged me aggressively, perhaps to silence me, but I felt it prudent to ask. “What sort of donation? How do we donate it? Also, isn’t reincarnation a thing?”
“All good questions, you disgusting bug-eyed cretin,” she replied. “A donation to our church would be one-fourth of all coins minted in your town, as well as one-fourth of all profits from sales that your town makes.”
“That seems a lot,” I answered. Imu was at this point punching the side of the Mayor’s body, though I didn’t feel anything.
The Missionary stepped closer to where I was squatted and looked down at me with a scowl. “Don’t you want to be saved?”
“He most definitely does!” Imu quickly answered on my behalf. “Please forgive his colossal stupidity. He’s very inbred.”
The woman stepped back and returned to her cheerful demeanour. “I see! Don’t worry, with our Lady’s grace, even an inbred, disgusting, and filthy pile of swamp-muck like you will be able to find happiness!
“To answer your second question: all donations will go through a church to Lady Light that you will of course construct within your settlement.”
Congratulations! For accepting Lady Light’s faith into your life, you unlocked the ability to construct a Church of Lady Light!
[Crafting List]
>Structures>Worship
—Church of Lady Light (Workbench, Quarry, & Mayor’s House)—
Unlocks the ability to evolve your most gullible minion into a Preacher and allows for a monetary donation to Lady Light
Required Materials: Quarried Stone
“As for your third question: you can unlock reincarnation to your worship subscription by increasing your donations to three-fourths. If you increase your donations to five-sixths, you can even unlock our Guaranteed Success In Your Next Life plan! Personal advice, I recommend you take that model, just looking at how filthy and disgusting and gross and annoying you seem.”
“Thank you for informing us,” Imu said. “We’ll stick with the basic plan. Please preach us your sermon, so we may begin construction on a church as soon as possible!”
Are we actually going to build a church? I asked him through my mind.
Of course! he replied, surprising me with his ability to communicate through this way like me. These psychos will literally reduce our settlement to a smouldering ruin if we don’t!
Where’s System at? I asked, worried she might make a sudden appearance and upset the Missionary.
I locked her in with the Toadcaller.
The Missionary cleared her throat and then did a weird tra-la-la-laaa kind of uttering a few times. If she was doing an impression of toadsong, she was not very good at it.
“Okay, no more interruptions or I’ll purge you!” she announced cheerfully.
“At the dawn of man, our fair Lady created Light to illuminate the dark and sombre world she found herself within. Her light caused life, such as animals, BUT ONLY THE CUTE ONES, to manifest, as well as human life!
“Of course, other life was also manifested through the evil, sinful, morally corrupt, vile, unholy dark gods! Life such as goblins; dragons, BUT NOT THE PRETTY ONES THOSE WERE LADY LIGHT’S CREATIONS; dark elves; beastkin; lizardmen; ghouls; toads; and all other manner of disgusting and repulsive things.”
Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.
She’s very mean.
Just bear with it. We still have an hour or two more of this to go…
“After Lady Light and all her creations wandered their newfound world, they were quick to accept sin and vice into their lives, and so She sent her Divine Messengers down to this Mortal Realm, so evils could be purged in her name and the world made pure and holy.
“Of these Messengers, the most well-known are of course Kevin the Big-Lipped, Carl Carlson Carl of the Luscious Eyebrows, and Heinreich von Poopenmeyer. With their righteous blades of light, the world was scoured of sin!
“But, alas, sin has a way of always resurfacing, tainting the fair hearts of Lady Light’s priests and goodfolk, and spawning the evil cults of Deathheim, Arnold the Goblin Butcher, the Big Smiling Fat Lump, and countless other unmentionable dens of vice.
“Once every millennia, sometimes half-millennia, at times a bit more, there comes a great Crisis, a Cataclysm, which threatens to upend the morality of our world. At such times, a righteous warrior of Light ascends from the plebeian masses to save us all!
“That’s right! Even a plebeian like you can become a holy warrior, if only your faith is strong enough! Rejoice in the knowledge that even filthy gutterspawn like you may one day have a purpose! And it is all thanks to our Fair Lady!”
The Missionary cleared her throat again, then said, “Let us sing!”
“O Lady Light, lovely lady, pretty cool lady, sexy and definitely good-looking, and totally a hit with everyone!”
“O Lady Light, I like the dresses you wear, they fit you perfectly! You’re like a model! Oh my Lady, your beauty dazzles me into a mute stupor!”
“O Lady Light, your horse is sooo much prettier and nicer than all the other Gods’! Truly your mount is one of a kind, and it is clear that you paid a lot of money for it! Wow, so wise a businesswoman you are to make such an amazing investment!”
“O Lady Light, your makeup, in all its thick several layers looks really good on you! Promise! You’re totally a trendsetter! Daumn gurl, look at all that you’ve got goin on! Woooh!”
What is happening? I asked.
It goes on like this for a while… Imu replied.
“O Lady Light, your real estate investments are definitely solid and will appreciate! Your acumen with such matters is truly beyond mortal ken! Wow! Excellent! Very amazing, most certainly!”
Imu moved his hands up towards his ears, perhaps to save himself from the aural onslaught of horribly out-of-tune singing with nonsensical words stretched beyond their natural limits. Before he could cover his ears though, he seemed to realise what he was doing and stopped himself, visibly gritting his teeth and bearing the brutal assault of sounds.
“O Lady Light, you’re a smash hit with the guys! Just because you’re single, it doesn’t mean everybody doesn’t want you! But you’re too good for them! You’re a strong independent woman!”
“O Lady Light, forget about Kevin! You dumped him, not the other way around! Anyone who says otherwise is a filthy liar and will be purged!”
“O Lady Light, that Kevin guy is a total poser! I mean, just look at his disgusting moustache! Ugh! And his dainty fingers and tiny romp! You were too good for him, definitely! His soul suffers forever from the banishment of your love!”
Is this an actual song of Lady Light? I asked.
Unfortunately, yes… she’s incredibly vain and needs daily emotional reinforcement through her fanatical servants.
“O Lady Light, you’re totally the greatest! And you have more friends than anyone! You’re beloved by everyone! Totally! Not lying, I swear! With your amazing charm, who wouldn’t find you irresistible to be around??”
The Missionary paused and took a deep breathe then exhaled slowly.
“There are forty-eight more verses of Lady Light is the Coolest, Prettiest, and Greatest Goddess, but now I would like to tell you the gospel of Lady Light and the Hater.
“Once there was a filthy man who lived in a filthy village and had a filthy family. When a wandering Missionary came to his disgusting village, the filthy man said he didn’t care about how amazing Lady Light was and said she was probably ugly and lonely. He was obviously VERY wrong and Lady Light was extremely offended about such a negative hot take. She descended from the heavens upon a very sexy horse made of clouds, which cost her forty-three tonnes in gold to acquire, and looked upon the man, who was obviously spellbound by her tremendous beauty and charm.
“To the man, she said: ‘Ew, gross.’ and then she set him on fire with holy scalding light. The family he left behind through his hateful actions became positive reviewers who totally gave her five stars, because that’s how amazing she obviously is.”
Five stars? I asked.
That’s right, Imu said, turning to look at the reader. Yes. That means you, the person reading these words right now. To the reader, i.e. you, he said, People who don’t leave five star reviews are haters and get purged with holy fire.
That makes sense, I replied, suddenly feeling the urge to give a five-star rating.
“Up next is the gospel of Lady Light and her lover Kevin, which teaches us that Lady Light’s love is definitely the best thing in the world!"
As the Missionary droned on, I used my Appraisal on her to see how strong she was exactly:
Name: Judetta
Occupation: Door-to-door Missionary of the Church of Lady Light
Species: Human
Level: 62/100
Alignment: Aggressively-fanatical-and-emotionally-unstable
Faction: Lady Light’s Fanclub
“…and that’s why Kevin totally sucks and will die sad and alone!”
The Missionary cleared her throat again, before continuing, “It is now time for us to pray! Repeat after me or be purged!”
Don’t actually repeat after her. This is a legally binding contract. Just mumble your way through it.
“O Lady Light, coolest and beautifullest of all the Gods in the Pantheon! Give us today a shining light, so that our inner light may shine as well. Give to us the strength to tell haters to fuck off and let all haters be burnt in scalding holy fire. Without your light we are blind sheep, shepherded along by the fanciful ways of evil creatures, but with your guidance we are beings of purpose and virtue.
“O Lady Light, we give to you our souls, LITERALLY FOREVER, for you to feast upon and grow stronger than all the other upstart deities that totally aped your cool style and business model. Through our mortal suffering and excruciatingly-painful deaths, you will blossom in strength, until none can match you and your market-share overshadows all your competitors.
“Forever and always, we are yours to toy with to your desired whims, even if it ends up leading to prolonged suffering for us. Amen!”
She is starting to terrify me, I confessed.
You and me both, Toady…
“Now, let us dance until our feet bleed, such that our Lady Light will settle her gaze on us and bless us with her warmth!”
Ah… this part always sucks… Imu told me.
A sound like an explosion came from the southern quadrant, and we all turned to look towards the cause, which was a flying ball of white matter that arced over my big tree and came flying down towards us, landing only a few metres behind Imu and me with a loud crash and dirt thrown every which way.
Standing up from the crater was System, her doll-like body letting off tendrils of steam and smoke. With a few powerful strides, she came right up to the Missionary and said:
“Congratulations! Lady Light sucks ***** and her mother is a ***** who ****** all the ******* **** **** ******* ** ****!!! I HOPE SHE GETS ***** WITH A **********!!!”
Then she torpedoed her foot right into the crotch of the missionary, lifting her up into the air before she fell back down again on her knees, her face instantly robbed of colour.
“Ah, turds…” Imu commented.