"It's kind of the Captain to let you train with the town guards," Britina said, tucking the last item into her satchel.
"Yeah, I've got a great idea for a training session, but I need more than a few warriors to help with it," Prunhiline said with more excitement than Britina wanted to hear.
"More? You mean, like two?" Britina asked, pausing mid-pack.
"Nah, more like twenty!" Prunhiline hoisted her massive war hammer over her shoulder with ease.
"Ah, well, then, have fun." Britina said, now more worried about the town's guards, "I'm meeting with the Grand Wizard today. I'm excited that he considers me one of his acolytes."
"Hey, I got a great joke you can tell him." Prunhiline began to laugh, "What do you call two orcs…."
"No, dear love, I won't pass along a joke for you. You can tell him yourself the next time you see him." Britina's skin wouldn't survive the blush that would happen if she repeated a joke from the warrior.
When Prunhiline first met the Grand Wizard, she’d told him a wildly inappropriate joke. To Britina’s horror, not only had the wizard laughed like a madman, but he’d told an equally outrageous one in return. The two became fast friends, much to the continued dismay of everyone, especially Britina.
"Yeah, you don't do a good punch line delivery anyway." Prunhline quipped as she opened the door to leave. She looked back at Britina, "Hey, have a great day, and tell the old fart I said hi." Prunhiline grinned.
"Thank you, dear love. I will certainly have a good day, and I will not tell him hi for you." Britina smirked at the now laughing Prunhiline.
'Old fart' was the nickname Prunhline had given the Grand Wizard after their first meeting. One of the greatest wizards of the age and possibly of all time loved it.
---
At the training grounds, Prunhiline’s towering six-foot-seven frame dwarfed nearly every guard present. Captain Adurn hated having to look up at her but couldn’t deny her formidable skills. He also had many reservations about her training with them, but the King felt it would help the men if they trained with the chaotic warrior. As the King said, "What better way to be ready for an emergency than to train with who will cause the emergency?"
"This is a terrible idea," said Captain Adurn to the air.
"What was that captain?" Asked his second in command.
"Nothing, I need to go meet with the King. You are in charge, and please try to keep her out of trouble." The Captain ordered.
His second in command saluted, "No promises, sir, but I'll do my best."
---
"Good morning, my lady." Wheezed the Grand Wizard.
"Good morning, Grand Wizard," Britina said with a curtsey.
"How's your new home?"
"Wonderful. I would like to formally thank you for your help in locating a suitable community."
The Grand Wizard waved his hand with some embarrassment, "No need. I thought it was best that you and your lovely wife had a nice home not too far but not too close either. And I know how hard it was for you to find an accepting community," The old wizard winked.
Britina blushed, "Yes, I understand. My, uh, lovely wife can be, uh…."
"A disaster wrapped in a hurricane wrapped in a blizzard put in a sack with angry tigers and a squirrel then hit with a stick." The old wizard laughed.
Britina blinked at the accuracy of the statement and gave the old wizard her best fake smile. What was it with the two of them and squirrels?
---
The sounds of men in extreme combat could be heard throughout the castle. Captain Adurn was smiling as he made his way to the training grounds. The King had reassured him that all would be fine and that his men could handle the warrior. It made him proud that the King felt his men were battle-ready. Captain Adurn's smile grew bigger, knowing the kingdom was safe from any threat. Even the bad news he had to deliver to his men wouldn't damper his good mood.
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
The Captain was startled by what he heard. His smile ran away. It sounded like a grown man yelling from the guard's training grounds. He hurried towards the grounds with a growing concern for his men.
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
This made the Captain break out into a mad dash. He didn't like that men were crying in the direction of the training grounds. What was happening to his men? Were they under attack by some crazed wizard, dragon, ogre, or strange creature? Why were they yelling they wanted their dolly?
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
A thought hit him, and fear gripped the Captain as he rounded the last corner to the entrance. He knew what it was, and it wasn't good for his men. This wasn't a wizard but something far, far worse. He ran into his second in command as he dashed into the courtyard. There, he saw HER surrounded by his men. Several were already on the ground, covering their heads.
Stolen from its rightful place, this narrative is not meant to be on Amazon; report any sightings.
Prunhiline!
More men dropped to the ground, shouting, "I WANT MY DOLLY!"
Prunhiline swung an enormous war hammer, laughing like she had gone mad. The sight made Captain Adurn cringe with dread; armageddon was happening.
He grabbed his second-in-command's shoulders and shouted, "Get Britina!"
"Oh, no, sir." The soldier responded, his voice unsteady and fearful. "This was a training exercise that Prunhiline wanted us to try."
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
"What kind of training is this?" Captain Adurn watched as more of his men rushed the warrior.
"She called it one v twenty, sir. We rush her, and she, well, she smacks us down. She's really enjoying herself, uh, sir." The second said.
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
Adurn's eyes grew big as he watched more of his elite men duck and cower. "Why are they yelling that?"
"Safeword, sir. The men required it. You know how she gets, and they were concerned for their safety and sanity."
"I WANT MY DOLLY!"
"Why are they yelling that then? Why not hold or yield, or even I give up would be better!" Captain Adurn couldn't decide to be ashamed, impressed, or outraged. He settled on all three.
"Prunhiline's idea. She said they could have a safe word if she could pick it." The second said, stepping back, hoping it wasn't his turn.
Captain Adurn watched in shame as the one lone warrior dispatched all of his men. He felt tears begin to form in his eyes until he saw the new recruit. Captain Adurn's heart leaped with a joy he hadn't felt in years.
The new recruit was a barbarian from the mountains. He stood at six foot eight, a smidge taller than Prunhiline but much broader and more muscular. Adurn didn't wish any ill will on the warrior, but he would enjoy seeing her lose at least once. And since she humiliated his men, today would be a good day for it.
Prunhiline smiled at her next victim, "Ah, you must be new. This is going to be fun!"
The big man bellowed a mighty war cry and raised his large club over his head. He rushed toward the tall warrior who prepared herself for combat. The club met the war hammer with a loud thud. The first attack was deflected, but Prunhiline had lost some ground. With her eyes fierce, she swung her weapon over her head. Her war hammer slammed into the club, pushing back the barbarian.
Captain Adurn and his men gathered close to watch the battle in safety. Many of the men were cheering for their new comrade, the barbarian. Others were more cautious, hoping not to anger the warrior. A small few were cheering for Prunhiline. They remembered how often she had saved them from death.
The mighty combatants clashed with glee. Both were happy to have an actual battle to fight. Prunhiline enjoyed opponents who could hold their own against her. The barbarian wanted to take down the warrior. His reputation would explode when he defeated her.
The barbarian's club bounced off Prunhiline's hammer without striking her arm.
"Ow! Hey, I felt that." Prunhiline laughed. She was enjoying the warm-up.
"You’ll feel worse than that by the time I’m through with you, little girl!" the barbarian growled, his voice thick with arrogance.
"Little girl?" Prunhiline, Captain Adurn, and every guard echoed in unison. A heavy silence blanketed the training grounds. Pruhiline stopped smiling. The men all said a silent prayer to all of the gods for the soon-to-be fallen comrade. The gods laughed.
The barbarian swung down his great club as Prunhiline knelt, planting the hilt of her war hammer into the ground. The club made contact with the war hammer, jarring the barbarian. Prunhline stepped forward, slamming the head of the hammer into the barbarian's face. There was a loud crack as his nose was broken.
The barbarian dropped his club to hold his now broken nose. Seizing the moment, Prunhiline grabbed the barbarian and flipped him effortlessly over her shoulder. The barbarian landed on his back with a loud bang. Prunhiline flipped the man over and grabbed his right wrist. She pulled his arm back and twisted hard.
The barbarian yelled out a loud, high-pitched scream. "I WANT MY DOLLY!" He began to cry.
"Wow, you scream like a little girl," Prunhiline said, her voice dripping with mockery as she towered over him.
"ENOUGH!" Shouted Captain Adurn.
Prunhiline let the barbarian go. He rolled into a ball and stuck his thumb into his mouth. The Captain shook his head and gestured for his men to help the poor, broken man.
"I think this is enough training for today. Would you mind if I walked you home? I need to speak with Lady Britina about a new ordinance." Captain Adurn took one final look at the chaos around him and followed Prunhiline out of the courtyard.
---
"You are an exceptional student, Lady Britina," Said the Grand Wizard, "you will make a fine addition to our order."
"Thank you, Grand Wizard," Britina said, blushing from the compliment.
"I think this is enough for today," the Grand Wizard said, giving the young mage a warm smile. "From the sounds today and the lack of them now, I'd say your wife had fun."
Britina sighed. She had almost left her session to help the poor guards, but the Grand Wizard stopped her. "Yes, she can be... Excitable."
"I enjoy my time with her. She has colorful humor," this comment made Britina's blush turn from pride to shame. The Grand Wizard didn't notice and continued," Say, mind passing along a joke for me. What do you call two orcs…."
Britina stood up quickly, almost knocking over her chair, "Thank you for today's session, Grand Wizard." Her face was red with embarrassment.
The Grand Wizard let out a wheezy laugh, "Well, then, have a good evening and say hi to your wife for me."
Britina gave the Grand Wizard a curtsey and said, "I will certainly have a good evening, and I will not tell her hi for you."
The Grand Wizard laugh's echoed throughout the tower.
---
Captain Adurn only half-listened to Prunhiline as they walked to her home. A few things he caught caused him to be concerned. Hearing Prunhiline talk about weapons of mass destruction would cause him to have nightmares. He was very thankful when they finally entered her home.
"Bri! You missed all the fun! The training was awesome today!" Prunhiline shouted as Britina entered the main living area of their home.
"So I heard, dear love," Britina responded to the hyper warrior.
"Lady Britina," Captain Adurn greeted her.
"Welcome, Captain Adurn." Britina curtseyed.
"I thought I would stop by and discuss the King's new ordinance." The Captain gave the mage a mischievous smile.
Prunhiline had lost interest in the conversation. She had no time for more rules and ordinances. As she did on these occasions, she daydreamed about killing things. Her daydream was short-lived when she heard the dreaded word, bath.
"What was that?" Prunhiline asked, interrupting the conversation.
The Captain smiled and repeated himself, "The King has decided that all soldiers and volunteers are to be presentable. So it has been decided that everyone is to take a bath after a training session."
"Bath?" Worry crept into Prunhiline's voice.
"Yes, dear love, bath. And today was a training day, wasn't it, Captain?" Britina said with a bit of glee.
"Yes, my lady, it was." The Captain's smile turned evil.
Britina smiled at the horror-struck warrior. "I've already drawn you one."
Prunhiline bolted across the room, vaulting the couch like it wasn’t there. She was at the kitchen door when Britina finished her spell. There was a loud splash as Prunhiline was teleported into the waiting bathwater.
Prunhiline’s furious cry echoed through the house from the bath: "I WANT MY DOLLY!"