A peculiar smell pulled Britina from her comfortable chair and her book. Her first thought? A sulfuric demon with no hygiene, bad breath, and a flatulence problem. Her second? Her wife, Prunhiline. She realized how absurd it was to think that a sulfuric demon would visit her, and her first thought should have been her wife. Britina rose from her chair, regretting having to put her book down.

When the front door opened, the source of the smell stood there: six-foot-seven plainswoman and warrior Prunhiline, Britina's accidental wife, best friend, and eternal source of frustration. The smell irritated her, leaving her favorite chair irritated her, and putting down her book irritated her, but most of all, she was highly irritated with Prunhiline. The irritation boiled over.

"You smell like you wrestled a skunk in a pig pen armed with three-week-old cheese!" Britina rarely screamed, but today was an exception. Today, she felt it was appropriate to scream.

Prunhiline stood in the doorway, head bowed. Britina's summary wasn't far off: five-week-old cheese and a giant skunk were involved. Correcting her would only make things worse. Prunhiline also knew there was a punishment for her adventure. She stood in dread of the word.

"Bath!" Britina pointed outside. Prunhiline's confusion was not lost on the mage. "Yes, outside! I'm not having that smell in my house!" Britina gestured disgustingly at the warrior, "We just moved in!" Prunhiline entered the house to begin her long journey to the backyard and a bath. "No!" Screamed Britina again, "Do not come into the house! Go around!" Britina took a long breath and calmly said, "Please, dear love, go around the house, get the tub, and I'll bring you hot water and soap." She had used up her allotted amount of yelling for the month, and it was only the first week.

Prunhiline did a quick about-face and exited through the front door. She kicked some weeds that had grown up in the yard. Britina will be gardening again later. She did that when she was angry at Prunhiline. They had the loveliest garden in the Land of Oaks community. That was its official name; everyone else called it the Weirdo Wing.

"Whoo, girl!" came a raspy voice from over the fence. It was their creepy necromancer neighbor. "You be stinking! Must have been a good time!" The old crone laughed hysterically. Her resident ghoul waved its hand in front of its nose. Prunhiline felt a little pride that she could make a ghoul think she smelt terrible. She waved at the odd couple and stayed on her path of shame to the backyard for her bath.

Prunhiline grabbed the large washtub, leaning against the back of the house. She wasn't sure how Britina found a washtub that almost accommodated the warrior's great height. She also didn't know why Britina felt she needed one. For some reason, to Prunhiline's dismay, it got a lot of use. Britina was waiting for her. The mage was waving her hands and chanting over a large bucket of now steaming water.

"Ok, dear love, the water is ready. I brought the soap and your rubber ducky. Please pour the water for me and start bathing. I'll need to make a potion to help eliminate the smell. Now tell me, what was it that you were battling?" Britina asked at her normal voice level.

Prunhiline undressed and sat her leather armor and war hammer by the tub. The plains people had no problems with nudity. It was a common embarrassment for Britina.

Prunhiline sat inside the tub, picked up the hot water, and poured. "Um, it was a skunk." Britina nodded. Prunhiline could tell she was attempting to keep her anger in check. "It was a large monster skunk that had attacked a pig farm. I was out hunting when I saw it attack. I stopped and helped." Prunhiline was hoping this would make some of this better for her.

"Oh, well, it was for a good cause then," Britina said in the most neutral tone she could muster. Prunhiline had never lied to her, so she believed her story. And she knew the curse had something to do with the craziness in their life.

"You start bathing, and I'll get a potion to help with the smell," Britina said, turning quickly from the odor.

Britina entered her lab. She pondered a few moments on what she would need to mix to rid the smell of a giant skunk. She decided on the stain and odor remover potion that had become handy after meeting Prunhiline. Britina sighed at the thought of their first meeting in hand-to-hand combat class. They went from being not quite enemies to friends to best friends to married accidentally. A smile spread across the mage's face; her "wife" was a handful, but she was happy to have met her.

Britina returned to find Prunhiline happily splashing her ducky in the water while making odd noises. The mage smiled and shook her head. She stepped up to the tub while holding her breath and poured the potion directly into the bathwater. One side effect she never mentioned to Prunhiline was that the potion gave the bather very smooth skin. That would outrage the warrior.

A magical pop and a puff of black smoke jolted Britina from her thoughts. A man dressed head-to-toe in black appeared, brandishing a short sword. Prunhiline gave a loud whoop and reached for her war hammer. A weapon was always present when she bathed. The deal was that if an enemy interrupted the bath, Prunhiline could go on a rampage.

The assassin announced to the backyard, "The great transfiguration mage has hired me to kill you, Prunhiline of the plains." The man was getting into his role. It appeared he had recited this many times, "For hurting his favorite giant skunk, you will di…." The poor assassin didn't have time to finish his well-rehearsed speech. A blast of magical blue energy struck him, throwing him off his feet. He fell flat onto his back in the middle of Britina's favorite flower bed. The flowers felt no pain but felt great compassion for the pain the assassin would feel once he woke up.

"No rampage!" Britina shouted at the naked, soapy warrior now wielding her massive war hammer. "Back in the bath!" Britina pointed at the water that was left in the tub.

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"But.." Prunhiline started to say, stopped, and looked at the assassin, who appeared to be waking up. She considered the trouble she would be in if she didn't finish her bath. She sat in the soapy water, grabbed her rubber ducky, and mumbled.

The assassin stood up and looked down at his feet. He felt terrible that he had damaged the flowers and gently stepped out of the flower bed. "Uh," he began but didn't know how to finish his sentence. He stared at the warrior who was now bathing and grumbling and another woman who almost glowed angrily. He looked closer at the woman and decided she was glowing blue.

"You!" Britina barked, pointing her glowing, energy-charged finger at the assassin. "Sit there, shut up, and don't interrupt her bath again!" She gestured toward a couple of reclining chairs.

The assassin strolled towards the reclining chair. He sat down and watched. Britina went to the flower bed the assassin had fallen into and began to fix the flowers. Prunhiline kept splashing her rubber ducky and glaring at the assassin. The assassin felt uncomfortable watching a woman bathing. He was also slightly scared of the other woman who was fixing the flower bed.

"So, uh," The assassin started to say.

"Don't," Prunhiline interrupted him, "She's in a bad mood. Just leave her alone and stay quiet."

The assassin, not one for taking good advice, kept going. "So, you are Prunhiline, correct? I mean, you're the tallest person I've ever seen, so you match the description pretty well."

"That's me," Prunhiline said, splashing the water.

"So, who is that?" the assassin pointed to Britina.

"That's Britina. She's a mage of the sixth circle and, uh, my wife," Prunhiline said with some embarrassment.

"You're married!" The assassin shouted.

"Shut up!" Britina shouted and tossed a magic bolt at the assassin. The bolt singed him and made him sit up straighter. Prunhiline sunk deeper into the tub.

Silence crept over the three until the assassin couldn't help himself, "Married to her?"

"Yeah," Prunhiline whispered back.

"Tough luck on that one." The assassin whispered.

"Yeah, I blame the curse." Prunhiline eyed Britina, looking for signs that she was overhearing them.

"Curse?" The assassin hissed, leaning in conspiratorially. "That explains a lot."

"It's not so bad. She's pretty amazing." Prunhiline leaned over the tub to look at the assassin. "She's hands down the smartest person I know."

"I mean, she's pretty young to be part of the sixth circle." The assassin said, "By the way, I'm Brad."

"Hi, Brad." Prunhiline said, "You know today is your lucky day. She normally lets me rampage if my bath is interrupted."

Brad blinked a few times and mouthed the word rampage. He struggled with several words, such as marriage, curse, and rampage. None of them should be together in a normal conversation. The assassin struggled with his worldview until he settled on something saner.

"I have to say, you have some great skin. What do you use?" Brad asked Prunhiline.

Britina stood up and turned around, "Brad, is it?" Brad nodded. "You will get a bucket of water from the well over there."

For reasons beyond what Brad could comprehend, he stood up and did as commanded. He brought the bucket to Britina, who cast her spell to warm the water.

"Get the chair and put it next to the tub." Britina commanded, "Now stand in the chair. Prunhiline, stand up." Brad blushed, being face to face with the naked warrior. "Brad, take this and dump it over Prunhiline." Brad did as commanded. "Prunhiline, get dressed," Britina took a deep breath, "Please." Britina looked at the assassin. "Brad, we are having lunch. Would you like to join us?"

"Yes, please." he squeaked.

The three settled into the freshly painted and tidy kitchen. Britina made three sandwiches. She placed them on the table in front of Prunhiline and their guest, Brad. Prunhiline attacked her sandwich with the hunger of someone who had recently bathed. Brad gently lifted his sandwich and inspected it.

"So, who hired you?" Britina asked.

Brad chewed his sandwich and swallowed it, "Um, the great transfiguration mage, Jerry. He was angry that Prunhiline hurt his giant skunk." He thought about what he said and felt oddly funny like he was going mad.

"Prunhiline?" Britina gazed at the warrior, "Did the skunk attack the farm, or did you provoke the skunk to add to your title?"

"Well," Prunhiline said with a mouth full of food, "It attacked the farm, and I jumped in to help." She swallowed her food, "But it would be cool to add to my title." She took a deep breath, "Prunhiline of the plains, defeater of giant skunks, nemesis of squirrels, conqueror of zombie crickets…." Britina tapped the table, causing the warrior to pause.

Brad wasn't sure what had happened, "What was that about squirrels?"

"Never mind, that's a story for another time." Britina said, "Look, the skunk attacked a farm. Prunhiline defended the farm. Is the skunk dead?" Brad nodded no, "Hurt?" Brad shrugged, "What's wrong with it?"

Brad thought about what he was going to say, "Uh, it wasn't hurt too bad, just a little beat up. Mostly Jerry was angry that it, uh," Brad stopped. He didn't want to say it. Britina tapped the table, and Brad felt he had to keep going, "it, uh, smelled like three-week-old cheese."

"It was five-week-old cheese," Prunhiline said. She stuffed the rest of her sandwich into her mouth.

Brad blinked, his composure cracking. "What's happening?" he muttered as tears welled up. "What's going on? Am I going mad?"

Britina touched his arm, "No, this is how life is with my wife, Prunhiline."

Brad blinked away the tears. He thought about the words accidental, curse, squirrels, and giant skunks. He looked at the normal woman before him. She had a kind and beautiful face. Her shoulder-length blonde hair was in stark contrast to the warrior's short, messy brown hair.

Brad stood and bowed to the two women, "Thank you for lunch." He snapped his fingers and, in a puff of smoke, disappeared.

"I think we broke him," Prunhiline said with her mouth full.

"Yes, dear love, we tend to do that to sane people," Britina said, taking a small bite of her sandwich.