Prunhiline hefted her massive war hammer while Britina stood behind her, quietly reciting a spell. Before them loomed a giant green dragon, its malevolent eyes gleaming. They had come to stop its reign of terror over the countryside.
Prunhiline grinned in anticipation of the battle while the dragon, a creature incapable of truly grinning, regarded them with what might pass for amusement. It appreciated that its next meal would be delivered right to its lair.
"Flockox!" Prunhiline bellowed, raising her war hammer high as she prepared to charge the waiting beast. She loved her new warcry, a mysterious phrase an old man at the tavern had assured her would strike fear into her enemies’ hearts.
"What?" Britina asked, glancing up from her spellcasting with a look of bewilderment. She wasn't prepared for Prunhiline's new warcry. Mostly, the warrior screamed as loud as she could as she jumped into action. The warrior's piercing scream was the mage's warning that hell was about to break loose.
"Flockox!" Prunhiline roared again, her manic grin widening. Surely, Britina must be impressed by such a powerful warcry.
"What are you saying?" Britina demanded.
"It's my new warcry!" Prunhilne yelled over her shoulder.
"What does it mean?" Britina asked, worried that it was inappropriate. Prunhiline shrugged as she bounced from foot to foot, ready to do battle. She wanted less talking and more killing.
"You don't know what it means! Don't use it!" Hissed Britina.
"Do you?" Prunhiline asked with curiosity. It was such a great word. She wanted to use it correctly.
"Well, no, but it sounds offensive." She said with some worry.
"I want it to be offensive! Flockox!" Prunhiline shouted, twisting her body and bending her knees, ready to leap into action.
"Stop saying words that you don't know the meaning of!" Britina shouted with frustration.
"Um, ladies, can we get this over with?" The dragon snarled with a wisp of smoke curling from his nostrils. He wanted to finish lunch (them) and get back to counting his gold from his last raid on the surrounding villages. Talkative lunch was the worst. Princesses, in particular, were notorious for it.
"Just a moment, Mr. Dragon," Britina said as politely as she could to the dragon that was planning to eat them. Turning to Prunhiline, "Dear love, you don't know what it means. It could be very offensive to dragons." She pointed at the dragon, who was showing signs of confusion.
"You mean the dragon we came to kill!" Prunhiline said with frustration, also pointing to the dragon.
The dragon’s irritation grew as he was ignored and pointed at repeatedly. It struck him as rude for his lunch to act so dismissively. Though tempted to devour them outright, he hesitated; interrupting their argument felt equally discourteous. His mother taught him never to be rude. Also, he wanted a workout to burn off the calories he was about to consume. The tall one looked lean, but the short one could have more calories.
"Yes, dear love," Britina said with annoyance. "No need to offend him as well as kill him."
"We could kill him by being offensive!" Prunhiline shouted, making the dragon and the mage roll their eyes.
"It’s not actually offensive to dragons," the dragon interjected, deciding to abandon courtesy. "I mean, it’s not something we can physically do, so why would we be offended?"
"Please don't encourage her!" Britina hissed with annoyance.
"Oh, what's it mean?" Now that Prunhiline was curious, she wasn't about to leave it alone. It was not unlike a small child asking their parents embarrassing questions. In this case, a six-foot-seven child-like warrior who could kill with a fork and spoon. (That Dear Reader is a messy story for another day.)
"Um, well… You see, it, um, refers to.." The dragon spurted and began to blush or, as best a dragon can blush. Britina took some amusement that the dragon was now on the hot seat of Prunhiline's embarrassing questions. It was more fun watching than participating.
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"You don't know!" The warrior yelled with amusement. "Mr. I'm a Smarty Dragon doesn't know either!"
Her taunts aggravated the dragon. He snarled with smoke curling from his nostrils, "Of course I do! You are the one who's using the word and doesn't know what it means!"
"I'm not sure, Mr. Dragon. You seem to have a difficult time telling us." Britina said with a sly smile. It was also fun taunting him.
"It's just, well, you are ladies." The dragon sounded a bit embarrassed by this statement. His mother taught him to eat princesses but never offend them, even when the princess used foul language. Princesses are notorious for their cussing skills, especially the last one. That one caused him to be in therapy.
Now, he was faced with two women who wanted him to use foul language. He wasn't sure what his mother would think.
"Does that mean we are incapable of vulgar language?" Britina asked with a bit of venom in her voice. She personally knew a few princesses and knew better. "Are women inferior to you? All lunch but no substance? Well, Mr. Dragon?" She taunted.
"Um... No?" The dragon was cornered physically and metaphorically. He liked the princesses who begged not to be eaten; these two weren't princesses, which made him uncomfortable. Equal rights wasn't his normal dinner conversation, and his dinner was making it difficult to enjoy eating them.
"Then what's the problem?" Frowned Prunhiline. She needed to know what it meant. It must be a great word if a dragon was afraid to use it.
"You see, Mother said never to use such language around ladies." The dragon appeared to be blushing. "She said, eat the princess, don't be tasteless, and offend her. An offended princess has a bitter taste." The dragon attempted a smile, sharing his mother's words of wisdom, but realized his dinner wasn't amused. The two women stared at him blankly, making him tap his claws together in a nervous tick.
"Well, Mr. Dragon, that is nice of you. But I would love to know what this word means. I am a mage and a scholar, and I promise not to be offended. How about you whisper it to me?" Britina offered, now back to being amused.
"Hey! That's not fair. I want to know." Prunhiline shouted. She had forgotten they were about to battle a dragon and promptly turned her back to the creature. She glared at Britina.
"I am a scholar!" Britina demanded. "I will know what this word means, and then I will decide whether you will know it or not. I can't have you running around yelling nasty things offending liches, demons, and orcs." Britina stomped her foot for good measure.
"But I like offending orcs." Prunhiline pouted. "They don't mind. It's the forks they mind."
"Um... Ok." The dragon was confused. "I'll whisper it, but you promise not to be offended." He leaned forward and whispered into Britina's ear.
The blush that appeared on her face spread very quickly with the intent to cover her entire body. "That's not physically possible!" She yelled in a panic.
"You see, if you bend over and twist…." The dragon explained, shrugging his shoulders, hoping the conversation would end soon.
"Stop!" Cried Britina in frustration. The image made her toes blush. It would take days for her little toe to return to its normal color.
"Well?" Demanded Prunhiline. She wanted to know what the word meant but also wanted to get to the stabby, stabby, boom, boom, kill the dragon part.
"Dear love, please kill the dragon. Now!" Britina wanted the creature gone. She would never forget what that cursed word meant.
"But I wanna know!" Whined the warrior, putting down her war hammer.
"No!" Britina yelled. She took a deep breath to calm herself and said, "When you are older, dear love, much, much older."
"Look, I told you it was offensive." The dragon said, feeling shame at using such horrid language around a lady. Most princesses cussed at him once they knew they would be lunch. He had learned some interesting words from a few, including the word in question. He had to stop lunch to ask what it meant.
"Yes, Mr. Dragon, you did. I apologize for putting you in that difficult situation." Britina said. She had her eyes closed and was working on calming her raging blush. Most of her toes had finally returned to a normal color, but her ankles and little toes were holding out.
"I hate to say this, but I'm hungry. I don't usually converse this much with lunch." The dragon said. The word lunch brought Prunhiline out of her pout.
"Lunch! What are you having? I'm starving." Prunhiline asked, excited at the prospect of food.
"Well," The dragon looked slightly embarrassed, "You."
This brought Britina and Prunhiline back to their battle stance. Prunhiline raised her war hammer and smiled. Battle made her hungrier, and dragon steak was pretty good. "We'll see who eats who, dragon!" Prunhiline snarled.
The dragon had had enough of this. He roared and blew fire from his mouth. Britina cast her REPEL spell as Prunhiline rolled to the dragon's left. The fire bounced back into the dragon's face, blinding him momentarily. Prunhiline leaped into the air, screaming in a battle frenzy with her war hammer over her head. The hammer came down hard onto the dragon's skull.
The dragon roared in pain as he felt his skull crack. This was not how lunch was supposed to go, he thought. He swung his spiked tail, attempting to knock both women off their feet. Britina cast her SHIELD spell that blocked his tail sweep. This made the dragon slip on his gold, and he fell.
The dragon scrambled for footing, but the slippery gold coins betrayed him. As he faltered, Britina cast BLIND LIGHT, leaving him blinded and disoriented. The last thing he heard was Prunhiline’s triumphant "Flockox!" followed by a sickening crunch. What a way to go, death by an offensive lunch.
"Victory!" Shouted Britina, raising her arms.
"Flockox!" Shouted Prunhiline, shaking her war hammer over her head.
Britina dropped her arms and sighed. It was going to be a long journey home.