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Chapter 39 - Ex-Boyfriend

The first thing Prunhiline noticed upon entering the house was the scent of herbal tea. The second was the stranger seated across from Britina at the table. Britina wore a peculiar, mischievous smile that was just shy of wicked. Prunhiline loved that smile; it meant Britina was up to no good, and no good was always fun.

"Oh, dear love," Britina said with mock seriousness, "we have company. Allow me to introduce my ex-boyfriend." She spat the last words with venomous relish. The man became slightly uncomfortable and squirmed in his chair at her tone. This was not how he thought this day would go.

"Ex-boyfriend?" Prunhiline echoed, strolling past them into the weapons room.

"Yes, dear love," Britina said in a sing-song voice. She was enjoying the build-up.

"Um..." the man began to speak but was cut off by Prunhiline.

"The one that made you cry." A loud clang of metal was heard coming from the back room. It was the sound of a heavy weapon being pulled from its rack.

"Yes, dear love," Britina replied sweetly, savoring the unfolding drama. Oh yes, thought Britina, today will be a good day. She didn't usually allow herself the pleasure of being not at her best, but today was a cheat day on being a hero. Today, she wanted to be the villain.

"The one that had you so upset that we sat on the dorm couch all night while you cried and that you could never love again?" The sound of metal being ground pierced the air. Britina knew which ax was brought out and sharpened.

"That's the one, dear love," Britina shouted over the noise.

"The one I vowed to introduce to my favorite ax?" Prunhiline's voice dripped with malice as the unmistakable screech of sharpening steel filled the air.

"I believe you said your biggest ax, dear love." Britina smiled at her visitor.

"Oh yeah, the biggest is my favorite!" She said with obvious glee in her voice.

At this point, the man began to panic and rose from his chair. Britina mumbled into her tea. The unsuspecting man suddenly found himself being forcibly pushed back down. He was bound to the chair and couldn't move.

"Hey! Why can’t I move?" the man yelped, his voice rising in panic. "I, uh, think it’s time for me to go."

"You said earlier you had all afternoon to get to know each other again," Britina said. Her wicked smile, enjoying being free for the afternoon.

"I just remembered I have an important appointment." The man's eyes were wide with terror! He heard a thunk of what he imagined was a weapon destroying some unsuspecting object. For a moment, his mind allowed the lingering idea that the warrior was chopping wood for the fire. The more logical side of his brain called bullshit.

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"Oh? What appointment?"

"Uh, dentist?" He whined.

"Oh, you need to stick around for a bit." smiled Britina with just a hint of pure evil. Contrary to what many people believed, Britina had an evil side. She was careful only to use it for special occasions.

"But she is going to kill me!" He shouted.

Smiling a grin that didn't hint at evil but projected it, Prunhiline walked back into the room. She carried a massive, freshly sharpened ax that gleamed ominously in the light. Britina released her spell, freeing the bewildered ex-boyfriend from his chair. Jumping up, he backed away from them slowly.

Now free, he felt his courage return. He was a prominent businessman and knew the two renowned heroes of the realm wouldn't kill him. He was mostly sure of that. The logical side of his brain disagreed.

Prunhiline stood at her full height of six-foot-seven and five-quarters. She flexed her impressive muscles, showing that it would hurt when she swung her ax. A lot. She allowed the giant ax to swing like a pendulum back and forth in front of her.

The x-boyfriend laughed and pointed at Prunhiline. "You stupid warrior, you're holding the ax wrong." The universe sighed with pity.

"Stupid man, I don't think the other end will fit. But I can try." Her eyes twinkled with the thoughts of torture and mayhem she was now allowed to unleash. She knew today was a good day because Britina would let her cut loose.

The man, pale with fright, ran, not only for his honor, but his virtue was at stake. With a warrior's shout of glee, Prunhiline was after her prey. They both dashed out the door, one screaming in terror and the other laughing maniacally.

From the distance came Prunhiline's triumphant shout: "Flockox!" Britina sighed, impressed her warrior wife had almost used the word correctly. Then she shuddered at the thought of what was involved in performing a flockox.

Britina settled into her favorite chair with a satisfied sigh, tea in hand. Today wasn’t about heroics. Today was about indulging in a little well-earned chaos. She smiled at the thought of the poor man's plight. He had some nerve breaking her heart, but even more nerve to show himself today at her home. Whatever Prunhiline decided to do, she felt he deserved every moment of it.

Later, Prunhiline returned sweating and smiling a triumphant smile. "The coward could run!" She shouted with the excitement of the hunt.

"Dear love, did you catch him?" Britina asked curiously; there were no bloodstains on the warrior's armor.

"No, the coward made it to the portal crystals before I could tackle him." Snarled Prunhiline.

"Ah, the one disadvantage of living so close to them." Laughed Britina. "So, you didn't pursue him?"

"Nah," Prunhiline said, hefting her well-oiled ax with a grin. "Didn’t want to explain to the city guards why the handle’s so oily."

"Oiled?" Britina asked, wondering if Prunhiline had some compassion for the ex-boyfriend.

"Yeah, didn’t want to damage the wood!" Prunhiline roared with laughter, her booming voice filling the room and Britina's heart.

"The neighbors complain?" Britina asked, sipping her tea.

"Nah, the necromancer next door was cheering me on. She even shouted a few suggestions." Prunhiline laughed, "She's a wicket old woman."

"Not surprising considering..." Britina stopped with a slight shudder. The necromancer and her late husband were a very odd couple. They both gave her the creeps.

Prunhiline dropped her ax onto the table before Britina and sat with a loud humph. This usually annoyed Britina, but not today. Today was a good day.

"No axes on the table, dear love." She said half-heartedly, "You realize that if none of that had happened, then you and I would have never become so close."

This brought a big smile to Prunhiline's face, "So true. Maybe I should thank him someday." She grinned as the mage rolled her eyes.

"Maybe, if he ever stops running," Britina said, smiling over her cup of tea.

Prunhiline leaned forward with her elbows on the table. This was another behavior of the warriors that annoyed Britina, but not today. They gazed at each other for a long moment, smiled, giggled, and then they both laughed loudly.

Today was a good day.