Again.

I was helpless again.

“Why, here again? Really what’s Miss Viella’s problem? Still won’t let you use her kitchens?” The young woman giggled as she held the door open for me.

“They’re in the middle of making their own dinner,” I said as I stepped into the back of their small tavern.

The young proprietress was shorter than Renn, but had a much larger belly. It stuck out enough I had to wait for her to step aside, so I’d not bump into it. It didn’t help that this room behind the kitchens was kind of cramped.

She giggled at me as she led me to their kitchens. “Still! You’re her guests! But oh well, honestly I’m not going to complain, you pay well!” she said happily.

I did. Plus I brought my own ingredients, and fetched my own water. The only thing I took was some charcoal and wood, for the fire… which were already burning. They must have just cooked their own lunch or dinner.

“Need any help today sir?” she asked as she watched me place the large pot onto the cooking stove.

“Nope. Today’s just a simple porridge,” I said. Or well, more a soup really. I had made a real porridge yesterday, but hadn’t been able to get Renn to eat much of it.

She’d not awoken since passing out the other day. So all I could get down her throat was liquids.

“Where’s your wife I wonder? You must be from the north, though you look more like the eastern folk. Those down south and west usually make their wives cook,” the young pregnant woman teased me as I pulled out the handful of coins.

Although I gave her far more than should be necessary for just borrowing a kitchen for an hour or so, she didn’t hesitate at all to take them. Nor had she the other two times I’d paid her either.

It wasn’t that she was greedy, but rather that was how desperate she and her husband were.

They didn’t even open their tavern anymore. There were no customers, so there was no point.

“Thank you,” she said seriously as she cupped the coins with both of her hands. I noted her stained nails as she hid the coins away. They were dirty, and broken.

“No. Thank you. I’ll probably need to borrow it tomorrow too… do you think I could ask a favor?” I asked.

“Hm?” she tilted her head at me as I went to readying the food. I wanted to finish quickly.

“Renn, my wife, she loves berry smoothies. But no one’s selling any, and I don’t want to intrude on the grove nearby without permission. I’d be willing to pay handsomely for them, if you could get me some or get me permission to pluck a few,” I requested.

The woman giggled. “What? That’s all! Sure. Phill’s actually related to the family that owns those orchids. Though I’m not sure they have berries… I’ll let him know,” she said as she stepped away, heading out of the kitchen and out into the tavern itself.

Waving her off with a thankful smile, I sighed as I went to cook and prepare the meal for Renn.

Two days. Two, long days.

I usually never noticed the passing of hours or days. They just melded. Blended. Faded. I noticed those around me. When they woke. When they yawned in sleep. I noticed storms come and go. Seasons changing. But rarely did I actually notice the days in full. I noticed the passage of time of those around me, but not for me myself.

Yet right now I was noticing every passing moment. Every minute. Every hour.

Again.

Since Renn joined me, I’ve begun to really notice the passage of time. And not always for the better.

Happy times passed quickly. Moments like these lasted forever.

A cruel joke.

Using the tiny billow they had to feed the small oven, I got the fire hotter. Pulling out all the ingredients, I cut up what was necessary, grounded the rest, and then went to fetch some water.

They had another smaller fire, for boiling water. It seemed all the wells here weren’t considered very safe, but it was more likely because of the disease. People in this era usually didn’t care to boil the water they cooked with here, yet were now very aware to always do so. Hopefully they continued this new tradition even after the plague was over.

Fetching a few buckets of water, I returned to the kitchen and went back to work.

I hated every moment of it. I hated the smell of this tavern. This city. I hated the voices coming and going, from the young woman and her husband in the tavern and those passing by on the road. I hated the humid air. The monsoons that brought it, and the one that was heading our way now.

Yet most of all I hated myself.

“I should have been more careful,” I whispered as I watched the porridge bubble and cook.

Renn was currently suffering from a severe fever. Although no spots, blackening fingers or limbs, or any ulcers or signs of a pox had shown themselves, I wasn’t comfortable enough to think she was succeeding in fighting the disease off.

Although not a human and far stronger than most of those like her… she was still just a woman. Her body was that of a young woman. Thin. Small. She barely weighed over a hundred pounds, as far as I could tell. Soaking wet.

Sighing, I tried to scour my memories. From my youth. With my mother and father.

They had taught me so much… but I didn’t have Renn’s memory. Some things blurred. Some things were a little… hard to remember. And when I actively tried to remember specific things... they became even harder to remember, sometimes. As if my own mind was tormenting me.

All their teaching of diseases, and I couldn’t remember a way to properly handle them. I knew how to eliminate the disease from a large population. I had been taught how to inoculate. How to force herd-immunity… even how to create vaccines through trial and error.

Yet I couldn’t seem to remember how to… heal and cure a single individual. Other than the standard medicines and tender care, such as I was doing.

Why couldn’t I remember anything more? Surely they had taught me a cure? A cure-all? They had to have. They had known everything.

The worst part was I felt as if I did remember a method to cure someone from a deadly disease. Even when they were on the brink. I remembered my mother mentioning it… but…

For the life of me I couldn’t remember the finer details. Had it involved plants? Animals? Something else? Was it from steam? Or...

“Damn me,” I whispered softly.

Quickly finishing, I gathered up the pot and cleaned up my mess. Although I wanted to get back to Renn as fast as possible, I didn’t want to sour the relationship I had with this young couple. They had been the only ones willing to let me borrow their kitchen in this whole damned town.

I couldn’t blame the humans for their fear and superstitions… but sometimes I really wished I hadn’t vowed to not force my will on anyone anymore.

Peaking my head out into the empty, and somewhat dark, tavern. I caught the woman’s attention. She was sitting with her husband, sewing something.

The sight of the two sitting alone in a large open tavern, with so many empty chairs and tables... was strangely eerie.

“I’m done! Thanks again guys,” I said with a wave.

“Come again! I’ll find out about those berries for you, sir!” the young man smiled at me and spoke loudly, a little too loudly even for the empty tavern.

“Thanks,” I said again as I stepped away, and grabbed the pot.

Leaving the tavern’s kitchens, I stepped out onto the main road of this town. It was a stone road, but full of weeds. You’d think without any business, and with most people having absolutely nothing to do, they’d at least keep their town well kept. But no. Most people hurried to and fro, doing their best to stay inside and away from everyone else.

Carrying the pot, I noticed a few odd looks as I headed back to our inn.

I noticed a few people I’d seen before, but it was interesting to see faces I hadn’t noticed before. It either meant I was drawing attention, or there were more people in this village than I thought. Eventually people had to get out, either to get food or fresh air, so it was understandable but…

Reaching the inn, I hesitated.

Right. No more distractions. Can’t ignore it now.

Looking up to the second floor, to the windows in the right corner, I studied them.

They were half shut, to let the air flow in and out but not much else… and seemingly hadn’t moved at all. They looked just as I left them.

Which meant Renn was likely not awake. She, being her odd self, would have happily flew open all the shutters and windows upon waking. Knowing her she would have even been leaning out of the window, watching and waiting for me.

Stepping into the inn, I was thankful the innkeeper and her husband weren’t around. I didn’t hear them in the back, or the kitchens either.

They weren’t really rude or annoying… they were just scared for themselves. It seems they had lost their only child to the plague already, so were now very alert and on guard of it. If not for their very real issue of income, they might not have even let Renn and I stay here.

If they found out Renn got sick it’d probably cause issue. Every day that went by and they didn’t see her would only increase the chance of them growing irate… I was actually lucky that they were doing their best to stay out of sight and out of mind. They didn’t want me to see them, because they didn’t want me ordering food.

The more they hid, the easier it was to hide Renn’s condition.

I didn’t mind burning this whole village to the ground, if they tried something funny, but Renn would undoubtedly be upset with me afterwards… so I’d like to avoid it if I could.

Reaching the stairway, I took a deep breath and sighed.

Right. Stairs. Up to our room.

To her. In her bed.

Sick.

Forcing my feet forward, I did my best to ignore the way my stomach tightened and curled. As if in hunger. Which was funny. I couldn’t remember the last time I had actually felt true hunger.

Slowly ascending the stairs, I did my best to keep myself in check.

Don’t break the stairs by stepping down too harshly. Don’t bump your shoulder or elbow against the walls or rails. Don’t break the floorboards. Don’t tear the large rug in the hallway. Don’t step too hard. Don’t let your strength escape your control. Don’t destroy the world around you, just because it was once again trying to take something you loved away from you.

Especially since right now my strength had no place here. It had no purpose. It could do nothing.

My strength meant nothing right now.

Pausing in front of our room’s door, at the end of the hallway, I hesitated.

I could hear her. She was still breathing.

The sound of her breaths made me want to sigh in relief. I had only been gone for about an hour, but it had been long enough for the worst to be expected.

The plague could kill that fast. Especially those like her. The strong were strangely susceptible to that which the weak usually survived.

So hearing her breaths through the door was very relieving. It was comforting. It gave me a little hope.

But her breaths were shallow. Quick. As if in a deep slumber, while in a nightmare.

Reaching out for the handle, I studied my hand that grabbed it. The way it trembled. The way it hesitated.

I was terrified. Of opening the door. Of finding her in worse a condition than I had left her.

Taking a deep breath, I forced my hand into motion. Opening the door, it creaked loudly as I pushed it open.

I had pushed a little too hard. It hit the large dresser that sat against the wall nearby. It made a loud bang, but not one so loud it’d draw the innkeeper or her husband. But it had been loud enough it should have startled her. Her ears should have fluttered. She should have turned her head quickly, as to glare at me after calming down. Just as the many other times I’d startled her before.

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Instead she remained motionless in bed, sleeping soundly.

“Damn,” I whispered as I stepped into the room.

The moment I did, I smelled the sweat. Renn’s scent was far stronger now than I’d ever smelled… and not for a good reason.

Sighing as I stepped up to the bed, I felt my whole body and all the tense muscles just… relax.

But not from relief.

It was that plague. She didn’t have any spots visible, just yet, but there was no arguing the truth.

She was covered in a layer of thick sweat. She had a look of discomfort and pain on her face, and tear stains running down the sides. Even in her sleep she was hurting.

“Oh Renn…” I whispered.

Putting down the pot, and other items I’d gathered, onto the nearby table... I went to close the door.

Shutting it quietly, I tried to calm my racing mind.

I wanted to figure out when or where she had contracted the disease. But there was no point. It didn’t matter. No matter who she had gotten it from… wouldn’t change the fact she was sick now.

Even if I killed them, it’d not help her. It’d not take the disease from her body.

The problem was I wasn’t yet even sure what kind of plague it was. Or if it even was a plague, and not a pox or something. I should have paid more attention to those bodies we've seen...

But more than that…

One did not cure a patient already sick with it. Not with typical medicine. These types of diseases were faced preventively. By inoculation.

Not something I could do now.

Because I couldn’t remember. Because I wasn’t smart enough. I should have kept all those notes and books my parents had made. Why had I not…?

I should have. I really, really…

Stepping over to the bed, I reached over to brush some of her long hair out of her face. To get it out of her mouth. It clung to her sweaty face, defiant.

“I’m so sorry Renn,” I whispered.

She of course didn’t respond or hear me. After making sure her face was clear I went to finding the heart. I found it tucked beneath her side. I just put it back on her stomach, in a spot where it’d not roll easily as I debated my next few steps.

I should clean her. I had found some herbs and medicine that would help, to a point, but I still needed to prepare them. I would need to grind them, and then mix them with something she could drink. If she doesn’t wake, or isn’t able to, then it’d be easier to soak some cotton or something and get her to drink it that way…

Then… then what?

Just… wait for her to heal?

That was it really. I could keep her clean. Keep her hydrated. Occasionally give her some medicine…

But other than that…

For a tiny moment I studied the heart, and debated putting it inside her. It’d be a huge risk but…

If she was able to absorb it, it’d heal her. The problem was she wasn’t in any condition to try it. Putting the heart in her now, even if she was strong enough to house it, would just as soon kill her as the disease would.

“Last resort,” I whispered and decided.

Honestly there was no point panicking just yet. Although a plague, there were plenty of humans who seemed to have survived it. Half of Landi’s city had survived it. And Renn was no human. She wasn’t one of our weaker members or…

She coughed softly, and I studied her face. It was wrought with pain.

“Damn.”

I knew something horrible was going to happen. This was par the course. This was my life.

To always lose everything I came to care for. Losing them to things I couldn’t do a damned thing about.

Taking a deep breath, I did my best to ignore the smell of her and the sickness. I quickly stepped out of the room and headed downstairs.

“Oh my! I saw you brought food back, just who’d you convince to cook for you?” the innkeeper greeted me as I stepped out of the stairwell, and seemed a little too happy. She was likely glad that I’d not asked for any of their food, even though I’d have paid for it.

Right now food was worth more than the coins one bought it with.

“Rather I found some ingredients and a young couple more than happy to share their kitchen for a few coins. But regrettably I only have two arms so… wasn’t able to bring much water back. Mind if I take a few buckets from the well? Both to boil for drinks, and for a bath later,” I asked politely.

It felt stupid to be doing my best to seem as amicable as possible. It needed to be done... yet it still made me upset.

I wanted to be angry. Yet I felt abnormally calm. Sometimes I hated my own personality.

I was a bastard sometimes.

“Of course dear! It’s probably full as can be thanks to that storm anyhow,” the innkeeper laughed as she turned away, to go back to the backrooms and do whatever she had been doing before hearing my return.

“Thanks,” I said as I went to go fetch some water.

Yes. Water wasn’t in demand. Food was.

Well, here soon there would be something else in demand if the world wasn’t careful.

As I drew water from a well, that was very clearly not as full as she had hoped, I did my best to not vow to return to Landi and rip those hearts from her cold corpse.

It didn’t take long at all to return to my room with a few buckets of water. I quickly went about boiling some in the fireplace, and then dug out some of our nicer towels and cloths.

“Renn…? Rennalee?” I tried to wake her a little, if anything out of kindness.

She stirred a little, but not enough. She was out cold.

“I’d apologize, but you’d likely have just enjoyed this beyond measure,” I said as I went to undress her.

It was easy since she was practically naked already. Her shirt had rolled up in her sleep, half off her. I did my best to not tug on her long hair, or bother her tail too much. It was oddly still… barely moving at all. It was almost concerning how still it looked. Even in her sleep it usually slithered around quite a bit. Half the time wrapping around my leg or something.

Once she was undressed I went to wiping her off.

“Or well, maybe I should. I apologize for doing this while you sleep, so you can’t enjoy it,” I said after a few moments of thinking about it.

She likely would have. Although I knew she’d have also gone a shade of red beyond anything I’d seen from her yet.

After wiping her free of sweat, the water I had boiled was ready. I ground up some of the herbs, added them to the fresh drinkable water, and mixed them into a thick tea like substance. I used one of her thinner cotton shirts to soak it up and give it to her.

Getting her to drink it was surprisingly easier than I had thought it would have been. She gulped the herbal medicines down without much issue, which told me she had been parched.

Yet still she hadn’t woken. Laying her back down, I covered her back up in the blankets after moving them around a bit. So that the more sweat drenched parts were past her feet, and not on her.

If this continued much longer I’ll need to get new blankets for her. Maybe even another bed. It didn’t feel too bad yet, but if she continued sweating this bad then…

Putting the heart back onto her stomach area, I made sure it wouldn’t slide away again. At least not right away.

It was likely the only reason she wasn’t already dead.

Although a little morbid, I found myself thanking Miss Beak. Her timing had been impeccable.

Once done I went to clean up a little. I restarted the boiling pot, to make another batch of drinkable water, and also gathered up the soup I had made earlier. I’d not try to feed it to her now, but I wanted to keep it warm at least. So after making more drinkable water I’d let it simmer over the fire.

I’ll need to get more firewood. Especially if I wanted to keep the fire going through the night. There was enough for the rest of the day, but not much longer.

It’ll be even more needed here soon. Another dark monsoon was heading our way. From the south. It made the world more humid, but the harsh wind also made it cold. Especially in this older inn.

It was a good thing we hadn’t been caught in it long. If Renn had gotten this sick while on the road… when such a storm hit…

Pausing a moment, I wondered how long it’d been since we left Landi. A little over a week roughly, surely. But… how long actually?

It could take weeks for a disease to fester. So it made sense… but something still felt a little off. She hadn’t shown any signs at all until now. Likely thanks to her bloodline, surely, but…

“Does it matter…?” I whispered as I stared at the burning embers beneath the pot.

I was not ready for this. I knew death would come for everyone. Anyone. I would bury countless people before it was my turn, just as I’d already done. So I knew it. I had expected it.

Yet this was far too early. I just found her. I just started to let her in.

I wasn’t ready.

Sitting before the fire as the day grew old, and the night came… I did my best to not let myself get too caught up in my own depression and hate.

I could let that happen if she died. Getting so melancholic right now was only a disservice to Renn and…

The sound of blankets shuffling brought me out of my thoughts. I turned and found Renn sitting up, groggily looking around.

“Renn…?” I stood quickly, abandoning the fire and the small pot I had been messing with.

“Vim…?” she sounded hoarse. I quickly readied a glass of water, and was glad it was cool now. It was moments like this that I wished we had ice.

“Here. Quickly,” I offered it to her, and she weakly reached out for it. I helped her take it to her mouth, though it seemed she hadn’t needed much help. She was groggy, but not so weak she couldn’t move.

I felt the strength in her grip through the glass, and it actually relieved me enough to let out a tiny sigh.

That strength was a very good sign.

She chugged the glass of water without any hesitation, and released a tiny relieved burp afterward. “That felt good,” she said.

“I’m sure. Want another?” I asked, and did my best to not let my relief sound too obvious.

She was actually somewhat coherent. And although flushed in the face, she was looking around with heavy eyes. She blinked up at me and smiled. “Please,” she asked for another.

I nodded and went to pour her another glass.

As I did, Renn coughed… and although it sounded scratchy, her coughs sounded far better than they could have been.

Once she was done coughing I handed her the glass, but she didn’t go to drinking it right away. Instead she reached down under the blankets, and pulled out the heart. She glared at it for a moment, and then put it down on her lap. It must have fallen under her as she rolled and sat up and had been somewhere uncomfortable.

“Is that food?” she asked as she took a drink.

“It is. Feel up to eating it?” I asked. If she’d go in and out of sleep, it would be best if she ate while she could.

She nodded as she took a deep breath after finishing her glass. “I could eat a whole horse,” she said.

“I’ve never cared for horse,” I said as I went to gather up some food for her.

Renn gave me a soft, odd sounding giggle. It turned into a small coughing fit, but she got it under control a little before I returned with a small bowl of the soup.

I received a smile in return for the soup, and she hesitated. “I can’t smell anything. Did you make this?” she asked as she studied the bowl on her lap.

“I did. But I promise it’s not one of my weird soups, it’s more to your liking,” I said.

“Hm…” she promptly took a large bite. So large that some of it leaked from the corner of her mouth as she chewed.

While I procured a small cloth for her, she smiled and finished the bite. “Doesn’t matter. I can’t taste it at all,” she said happily.

“Only you would find such a thing humorous,” I said as I held the napkin out for her… but she didn’t take it and instead went to ready another bite. Which told me just how hungry she likely felt.

Sighing softly I went ahead and wiped the side of her mouth off for her. She grinned at me, and then took another bite. This time though it was a more moderate one and no mess followed.

Renn went to humming as she ate, and I had to pull over a chair and sit down.

Thankfully Renn was completely focused on her dish, as I let relief swell through me.

She hadn’t noticed that I had gone weak in the legs.

It wasn’t over yet, of course. But this was a very, very, good sign that she was acting so lively. Maybe between the rest, and little care I could offer, she’d overcome this with little effort.

If only.

Renn continued to devour the porridge. Or well, it was more a soup really. Though not as dense, on purpose. If I had known she would have awoken I would have made another porridge. A proper one. She would have preferred that, likely. But something was far better than nothing.

After a little bit I went to get her more water. She took it thankfully, and downed half the glass before going back to her food.

Watching her eat quickly, I found myself growing more and more relieved. Yes. This was good.

I shouldn’t have panicked so quickly.

To think but mere moments ago I had been considering razing all the surrounding nations. To return to who I had been, long ago.

But it was no surprise. I was so used to those I protected dying. So used to them fading away, no matter what I did or tried.

They were all just so weak… so brittle.

Because of me.

I took their strength. I stole it from them all.

Even if I had done it to save them. Even if I had done it for the right reason…

“I’m sorry,” I said softly.

Renn’s ears perked up a little, and she turned to me with the spoon still in her mouth. She made an odd noise as she plucked it out and tilted her head at me. “What for Vim?” she asked.

“I hadn’t been able to find the berries you like,” I said, apologizing for that too.

My dear companion gave me a lovely smile. “Please Vim! It’s okay! I wouldn’t have been able to taste it anyway,” she forgave me as easily as she breathed.

No. It wasn’t okay.

“Eat the rest Renn, before you collapse again,” I reminded her.

She nodded and happily went back to eating.

Watching her eat was somehow tiring. As she ate I noticed her gusto slowly died… until she only took a few bites here and there, and in small increments. She was getting tired again.

It was interesting to see her ears slowly start to droop the more exhausted she got.

“I’ll be honest Vim, I hadn’t been able to taste anything… but it had been warm, and now my stomach doesn’t hurt,” Renn finally said as she finished.

“That’s all that matters,” I said as I took the almost empty bowl from her. She hadn’t eaten as much as I had wanted her to, but it was better than nothing. Far better. Usually she’d eat several bowls full.

“Hm…” she made an odd noise as she mumbled something I hadn’t been able to make out. Something to do with my cooking?

Putting the bowl aside, I watched her drown the rest of her water. Then she lazily handed the glass off to me, and promptly fell backwards. Landing with a huff and a small smile.

“Good night. Again,” I said softly.

“Hm… ‘Night Vim.”

Before I even put her glass of water down, she had drifted back into sleep.

I sighed at her, and went to covering her back up. She hadn’t even noticed she had been naked.

Once again I put the pink heart in its position, this time a little closer to her chest. It gleamed in the now dark room. Probably strong enough that anyone outside would be able to see the weird hue. A quick glance to the windows told me I should probably shut the shutters and maybe even cover them.

Either plague or witchcraft would get the town riled up. I should be more careful.

Before I could pull my hand away however, she rolled over. Snatching my hand with her own, she curled up a little on her side as she pulled my hand closer to her. She did it with such surety that I almost said something, doubting her drowsiness, but she quickly returned to her very familiar snores.

Fast asleep, Renn held my hand to her chest. Clutching it as if it was a pillow.

It was honestly an adorable sight, and feeling, but it worried me. She felt very warm. Hot. Too hot.

“Really Renn…” I went to putting the heart back into position. This time I just dropped it in-between her arms, near our hands. It fell against the back of my hand, and rested against her. It pulsated strongly, thumping with its strange rhythm.

Kneeling down next to the bed, as to not disturb her, I let her hold my hand.

If my hand gave her even an iota of comfort, then she could hold it all she wanted. For as long as she wanted.

Since it seemed I couldn’t do much else.

Her waking and eating, if even for a small moment, was a wonderful sign. But I still couldn’t help but worry.

Sitting next to the bed, I kept a watchful eye over her… and begged a tiny prayer for my parents not to take her from me just yet.