You know how you know you see a character get stabbed, or cut in half and then after the commercial break, they’re fine. Well, turns out that’s not bad writing. It’s a freaking superpower!
The figure suddenly slams into me. Orange mist appears around me, masking my movements. I keep hold of all my girls and I launch the enemy into the air instead.
I’ve already retconned my own death plenty of times. Denying a bit of battle damage is nothing for me!
The Figure kicks off the ceiling and slams into me, smashing me against the floor.
Harem all topple to the ground.
Best Friend fires a blood shot but it doesn’t breach the enemy’s defense.
A bright light emits from the attackers chest, displaying his emblem like a hologram. “The Virtue Signal calls me!”
Yeah. The signal you put up.
“I, White Night, have come to retrieve what was taken from me,” he says in a haughty, exuberant voice.
White Knight is a bulky tank of hero that is fully decked in armor. His hands are equipped with small shields and he has a single massive shield on his back. His eyes glow pink beneath his helmet, hence why I called him a Goblin Scalper cosplayer before. He wasn’t wearing his cape before, but it looks like a rainbow. And each shield has an emblem of a fist with Egyptian hieroglyphs.
Why do both him and Harem D have these strange symbols?
“Get off him before your head slides off your body,” says Best Friend, creating a blood katana.
White Knight presses his foot down on my chest. “Be careful. If you hit me, I may lose my footing.”
“What did I steal from you?” I ask, my hair struggling to lift White Knight off me.
“You’ve taken the fire behind my courageous spirit! Your lies have fooled the ignorant villagers, but I an immune to their charms.”
Even this man hater recognizes how charming this otaku stud is.
“Let’s see if you’re immune to my blood,” says Best Friend, creating a crimson blade.
“Wait! Stand down. I can handle this guy.”
“Why do you insist on doing everything yourself?” asks Glasses Kid, slurping some apple juice with a straw.
My hair shoots out into White Knight’s knee, giving me an opening to get him off me. I use a nearby stool to hoist myself up. “It’s not anything heroic. I just want to show this dick that I can take him down.”
“How like a man.” White Knight lifts a table and smashes it against my body. “Always solving everything with violence!”
My hair grabs the broken leg stumps and whacks them against the knight but they break on impact.
“My armor is made of Virtunium, the essence of the feminist movement in liquid form!” he exclaims, blocking my hair fist assault with his shields.
“Glasses Kid, care to explain?” I ask, pulling a chair up to me to use as leverage.
“I’m at a complete loss,” he says, all arrogance gone from his eyes. “That is the single dumbest thing I’ve ever heard.”
White Knight tosses a broken piece of the table at Glasses Kid. The knight then vanishes, his eye leaving a pink trail. He appears directly in front of Glasses Kid, grabbing the projectile he had thrown.
Before I even realize what’s going on, White Knight brings the projectile back into me. My hair runs down my shoulders and grabs the piece, keeping it from piercing me.
Glasses Kid gets out of his chair and goes to Best Friend. “You saw that mist, right?”
White Knight steps on my foot and rams into me, smashing me over the countertop.
I look up in a daze, seeing pink boxers.
Harem D speaks up while I check out her sweet ass. “Hey! I don’t like seeing people get hurt unless they deserve it!” She kicks my leg.
“Ow! What did I do?”
“How about being inconsiderate? You think your Best Friend is okay with watching you get hurt? He believes in you! So either stop getting your pathetic ass kicked or move aside so someone else can fight.”
“Why are you defending that thief? He took you from me! He stole all of you from me!” yells White Knight, grabbing a fist full of throwing knives.
“Shut it. You’re no longer the number one hero and beating up some kid isn’t going to get you back your title. You’ve always been an asshole but at least try to hide how pathetic you are!” She jumps off the counter and kicks him in the face.
“Feminists should never fight. I’d never lay a hand on you; you know that,” says white knight in a tender voice, blocking her kicks with his shields.
“Yeah! That’s exactly why I hated you! I was too boyish for you! Well sorry for not being feminine!” Red energy coats her arm. “Coin Purse Mode: Crimson Fist.” She slams her fist into him. The red aura dives into her arm, making it pulse with muscles.
White Knight is pushed back and a white aura gathers around his shields. “Stop now, my iron treasure! If you attack again, you’ll get hurt. You identify as a girl, that’s what matters to me! We should be fighting side by side as equals!”
Harem D rushes in.
Harem C stands in her path. “Please don’t hurt him!”
Rather than stop for no reason, Harem D runs past her friend and slams her fist into White Knight. Her muscles tear but her fist pursues. It pushes the shield aside before blasting the number two hero.
Rather than be sent flying, he falls to his knees and starts screaming.
Harem D looks back at me. “Say something inappropriate now.”
A tsundere that asks for naughty talk. Hell yes!
“I wish I had a car so I could park it between those sweet ass cheeks!” I exclaim as Best Friend helps me to my feet.
“You god-damn pervert!” Harem D’s arm glows with energy as she punches White Knight.
The washout is sent flying through the roof.
Harem D kicks off the ground.
I look up through the hole in the ceiling to see her grab White Knight.
She comes down, smashing another hole in the ceiling before crashing down on top of him. “Beg for mercy!” she yells, punching him furiously.
White Knight puts his hands up and whines. “Please stop.”
My god. If she keeps this up, she’s going to kill him! That’s freaking epic!
Harem A jumps onto my arm. “You gotta stop her! If she crushes another hero, they will take away her certification.”
Harem C waves at me. “Please save my Knighty.” She bows and then scurries off.
There go my DeathTube fantasy girlfriend dreams. Ugh, whatever. I know how to stop her.
“Ahoge Ahego Polymerization!” I slam the button on my wrist.
Harem D and the rest are given a shock their system. Their antennae activate as they are pulled together.
White Night crawls out of the destroyed bar.
Stalker runs to my side. “You’re hurt.”
“Well yeah. Kinda bleeding everywhere,” I say with an eye roll.
Stalker spits on her hands and starts healing my injuries.
Best Friend steps up to Harem. “What do you mean by another hero?” he asks with skeptical eyes.
“Hey master,” says Harem in unison, waving at me with vacant eyes.
“You’re not going to get any information out of them now,” I say waving back. “Hi, Harem!”
Best Friend hits the switch.
Harem is desynched. They all look fine, except for D. She’s on her knees, holding her head in pain. “What happened?”
“You nearly killed White Knight. And your nipples peaked while you did it,” I say with a grin.
“Oh. Awesome. Been wanting to do that for a while,” she says, holding her forehead.
Harem C cries in her own arms. “How could you hurt him?”
Hared D points at me. “My job is to protect this idiot. White Knight is no longer our hero. And he doesn’t love you.”
“You… you don’t know that.” C ran off crying.
The owner of the bar approaches us with a stern look. “Who is going to pay for these damages? My establishment is an absolute wreck because of your pissing contest!” he glares at me.
“I’m the stupid and destructive protagonist. It’s not my job to deal with money stuff.”
“I don’t care who does,” says the owner. “Just make sure I get paid.”
Glasses Kid scoots a chair up to the owner and stands on it. “I’m sure we can work something out.”
“Good. I’m tallying up the expenses now,” says the owner, writing on a note pad.
“I hear Jeffery, the bar owner down the street died two years ago.”
“Yes. We were good friends. What about it?”
“Poisoned by his good friend. Such a shame.”
“Are you blackmailing me?”
“No. Of course not. I just happened to find a similar poison in your kitchen.” Glasses Kid takes out a vial.
“That’s not poison.”
“Great!” Glasses Kid pours it into a cup. “Just gulp it down then.”
“Oh, umm. I’m not thirsty.”
Stolen from Royal Road, this story should be reported if encountered on Amazon.
Geez. These two are bickering and Glasses Kid is stealing my screen time.
“Well I am!” I grab the glass and down it.
“What have you done! You idiot! You’re going to die!” yells the owner.
“You said it wasn’t poison! Why would I die?”
“I was lying!” yells the man.
Glasses Kid chuckles to himself. “Too easy. There was no poison in that vial. But you just admitted to it. Even harboring poison without a license is illegal.”
Harem D gets up in a daze, twirling handcuffs on her finger. “Good thing I’m an enforcement agent.”
“You’re the one who beat up my head chef!” yells the owner.
“Yeah.” She grabs his hand. “I am.” She cuffs him. “You’re under arrest under suspicion of murder. The damages to your establishment will be taken care of by ISEKAI, however you’ve lost your license to manage this establishment. Any complaints will be answered with brutal force.” She twists his arm behind his back. “Got it?”
The owner nods in tears.
“Great.” Harem D goes behind the counter and takes the deed from the drawer. She turns to Fruity. “I’m turning the building over to your father.” She smiles at Best Friend. “That means this will be the first Vegan bar in Doomed.”
Best Friend had red stars in his eyes.
How did this happen? Harem D is taking him away from me. I have to do something.
“Yeah! That’s right! And it’s all because I decided to get a Harem!” I exclaim with great pride.
Best Friend blinks and turns to me. “I’m deeply apologetic. What did you say? I must have zoned out.”
My whole body sinks. Tears well up in my eyes. “I didn’t say anything.” I walk out of the bar.
Stalker follows me. “You okay, master?”
“I’m not your master.”
“But the other girls said that…so I thought…” her voice trails off.
“I need to be alone. Things aren’t going well at all.”
“Oh great!” She hops in front of me. “I wanted to be alone too!” She grabs my hand.
“I didn’t mean alone together. I meant alone. By myself.”
“Oh…okay.”
“Hey, why don’t I umm, go get your girlfriend for you?”
I smile at Stalker. “You’d really do that!”
“Yeah. Of course. Anything for the man I love.” She stuck out her tongue, catching a tear that fell from my eyes. “Too salty. I want the happy tears.”
“Thanks, but I don’t know where she is.”
“Well, maybe Daddy Waddy knows. He was the last one with her from what I remember. Do you know where he is?”
I grab her hand. “He left to go rescue you. I…stayed behind at the time to save the village. I’m sorry. I don’t deserve you. I’m no hero.” I kick a muddy puddle in my path for showing me my miserable face.
“That’s exactly what a hero should do! I’m proud of you.” She climbs up on a trash bin and pats my head. She then loses her balance and falls into my arms. “Will you help me find him?” she asks, smiling up at me.
“Wait, he can teleport. Wouldn’t he be able to rescue you instantly?”
“Oh, you’ve never heard of Rift Taboo?”
“That edgy Smash Sibs’ final boss?”
“No, silly. See my Dad is a Rift Ripper. And a Rift Taboo a zone where Rift Rippers are blocked from entering. See, not only can they teleport. The really uber duper powerful ones can block access to an entire area. Their aura can create a barrier that can forbid others from entering. In this case, it just blocked off the portal point.”
“And what’s a portal point?”
“Like a fast travel station.”
“Oh okay. I get it. And you think a Rift Ripper is working for Flam?”
“Yeah. I think that’s gotta be it. But why not use the Rift Ripper to bring me there? I mean would it matter if I knew if he was going to kill me anyway?”
“I doubt he’d answer if I asked him.”
“Oh, so he’s in your head.”
I smile awkwardly and set her down. “I’m totally in control. Don’t worry. I just get that boy who lived scar flashes sometimes.”
Stalker starts to cry.
“Hey now. Save those precious tears. We don’t know when we’ll need them.”
“I think Daddy was captured. Otherwise he would have saved me.”
“But you just said there was a Rift Taboo around the Castle.”
“Yeah, but there’s a Portal Point not too far away in the forest.”
“Main, please. We have to rescue him.”
“Alright, it’s a deal.” I put my hand out.
She goes to shake it and I pull back.
“But only if you sneak me into the brothel,” I say with a look of intensity.
“What?” Her face lights up.
“Best Friend won’t let me go and I don’t want to go in alone. There’s something suspicious about that place and I’m going to find out what it is. You want my help; don’t you?”
“I was kinda curious myself. Okay. It’s a deal.” She sprouts wings and gives me a high five.
Since when can she do that?
If you want to hear all about the awesome and sexy brothel adventure Stalker and I had, you’ll have to support the DBD and Bob-Ray edition of The Main Character!: The Hero’s Epic Journey Continues!
“Wow, that was so much fun!” I exclaim, lying in a reclining chair at our wooden lodge.
“The most fun I’ve ever had!” cheers Stalker.
“For sure! And who would have guessed that person would show up?”
“Right? And to think they used that technique too?”
“Seriously epic! Revengers level threat right there!”
“Ooooh! I wanna see those movies with you sometime.”
“Well then we gotta find your father.” I pat her head.
“Yeah!”
“I’m not going with you.” Glasses Kid doesn’t even bother to look up from the book he’s reading.
“What do you mean?” I ask, shaking my head.
“Hey! That’s mine!” Stalker grabs the journal from his hands and bonks him on the head.
“That angel outfit you wore sounds very alluring,” says Glasses Kid with a stupid smirk.
“Stop talking or I’ll cry,” she says, looking over at me.
She’s hiding something from me. New mission. Find out what’s in that book. But at the moment, I need to keep my team together.
“Is this because you missed out on the brothel and all the fun we had?” I ask.
“No. I can’t say why.” Glasses Kid looks down.
“I will drag you with us if I have to.”
“If I tell you, then you’ll be put in danger. The less you know, the better.”
“That logic only applies to shows awful reboots like Cutey Agave Universe!”
“You mean Cutie Honey?” asks Stalker.
“Hey! I’m using a fake name to escape copyright threats! Article thirteen passed so nothing is sacred.”
“Oh okay. Just make sure you use the same fake name please,” says Stalker, shaking my hand.
“There’s something in the village I have to take care of. Let’s leave it at that.” Glasses Kid approaches Stalker. “Ruiz…he never died right?”
She shook her head. “No. Which means Flam still has his power.”
“Hey!” I step between them. “Don’t leave me out of the loop! Who is Ruiz?”
Stalker and Glasses Kid walk off, whispering to each other.
Flamboyant Villains oddly seductive voice suddenly rings in my head. “There’s so much you don’t know.”
“Don’t act so smug about it. That just increases my chance of being renewed for a new season.”
“Like with The Lost?”
“I hate you.”
“No. Mild disdain at most. You don’t hate me…yet. Now, I could tell you what those two are scheming.”
“But to do so I’d need to do you a favor. This is a bad idea but I’m bored, so tell me what you want.”
“There’s a spy in Harem. Discovering who is incredibly important.”
“Nice try YomiKuma, but I’m not going to start doubting my friends to find someone who doesn’t exist.”
I may be bored, but I’m not going to ruin friendship possibilities.
“If you find out who it is, you’ll be rewarded.”
“With?”
“I’ll let you know what those two are scheming and I’ll end our bond. You’ll be free.”
“Why would you risk so much?”
“Honestly I’m bored too. Without high stakes it’s rather uneventful no?”
“Yeah! When They Don’t Die is what season two should have been called, am I right?”
“I haven’t a clue about your childish references. Now, do we have a deal?”
“Yeah. I’ll use my Ultimate Luck talent to uncover the traitor!” I exclaim, running out of the cabin.
Best Friend grabs my ear. “You’re grounded. Or did you forget?”
“I told you, it was Stalker who made me go! So back off, Kasumii.”
“I expected so much better from you. To think I must reduce myself to being a school teacher for a rowdy boy.”
Wow. That sounds really kinky! I’d love for him to stick that pointer stick in my mouth while making me call him sensei.
“Are you thinking about that brothel? You had better not be.”
“Heh. You got me,” I say, sticking out my tongue.
“Glasses Kid is up to something suspicious but I’m stuck babysitting you.”
Brawny Babe, who has walked back and forth in front of the cabin several times to get noticed, finally gives in and approaches us.
“Could investigate on behalf.”
“Hold up! No murder yet; so hold off on the investigation, Ogre.”
Brawny Babe looks at me curiously. “Am elf. Enchanted Lover of Forest. Elf.”
“Urgh! Why does nobody get my references?” I ask, pulling at my hair.
Best Friend shakes his head. “Please don’t reference dead characters when referring to our allies.” He turns to Brawny Babe. “I trust you with the investigation. Let’s discuss your findings over breakfast.”
“Mmh!” she exclaims with a thumbs up.
The sound of a giggle comes from her back.
“What was that?” I ask.
“Huh? No idea what talking about.”
“The basket on your back just giggled.”
“Must get going,” she says, walking off.
I turn to Best Friend. “Why is she hiding things from us?”
“Take no offense. She feels the responsibility of her mission is for her to bear alone.”
“Well when she gets back I’m going to make her talk. When I see that loneliness in her eyes…” I freeze up.
Best Friend grabs my hand. “You think of yourself. How you were?”
“No! I just…don’t like it.” I pull away and enter the room again. “Hey, do you think Boobslime will return?”
“I hope not.”
“For all you know she was at the brothel.”
“True. I don’t know.”
“So umm, tomorrow we leave for Glam Castle.”
“That’s the plan.”
“I don’t think I’m strong enough to beat him.”
“Well then, we should find ways of making you stronger along the way.”
“Hey. Bro to bro talk. Umm, do you like Harem D?” I ask, scratching my head.
Best Friend looks down with a slight smile. “You should get some rest.”
“Yeah…okay. Sorry, just kind of bored.”
“Believe me, there are other things I’d rather be doing as well.”
I grab his hand. “Then let’s do them together.”
“Alright, but it is a bit dangerous. We mustn’t get caught.”
Oooh! A romantic spy date! This is a dream come true!
Best Friend got me suited up in his black jammies. We were both wearing all black, meaning not only did we blend in with our surroundings, but were matching.
“So, uhh, what are we doing?” I ask, after we navigated through the town’s market.
“In Squitoon the zappy fish power the city. The game is egregiously immoral so the tragic truth of the zappy fish’s enslavement is glossed over.”
“Yeah. Honestly I mostly just remember the splatter fests. So many wars could be avoided if world leaders just solved things through online battles.”
“Not the point, but you’re correct as per usual.” Best Friend beckons me into Old Dude’s hut.
“So, why are we here exactly? And how do we know he isn’t inside?” I ask, peeking from the outside.
“Stalker’s monsterpedia talks about an insect known as the Eletriket. It’s is a small bug that holds massive energy within it.”
“And you want to free them even though it could us in trouble?” I nudge him with my elbow.
“Yeah. I just can’t bear to see others trapped and helpless.”
“You’re a better hero than I’ll ever be,” I say softly.
“So, will you help me?”
“I…can’t.”
“Why not?”
“This isn’t a one-way trip. We’re gonna return to the village. We’re going to get more jobs! These people can’t afford ethical power. So as a hero I need to go on an adventure and find them some other source of energy.”
Best Friend is silent. He leads me to the back of the tent and pulls back the curtain, revealing many Electrickets, little electrically charged crickets all trapped in glass containers.
Poor dwarf in the beaker.
“Can you really ignore their right to freedom?” he asks, looking into my eyes.
“I finally got these people to respect me. Maybe I can use that to help Brawny Babe’s people or something. That is like allegorically fighting racism so it’s sure to give me woke points, right?” I ask with a grin.
“What about fighting against speciesism? What about the people trapped in front of you? How would you like to be used as a living battery?”
He’s really trying to guilt me into this.
“If I’m going to change this village. I’m doing it my way.”
“And what way is that?” Best Friend grabs my arm as I turn away.
“I don’t know yet. It’s still season one. It’s fine for me not to have established my unique way of being a hero.” I walk out.
Best Friend follows me.
We didn’t speak a word all the way back to the cabin.
That night, the nightmare returned. That same awful nightmare. This time, a train came out of nowhere and killed him. Damn it, Titor’s Gate; why must you torment me even now?
Morning came and Best Friend wasn’t there. I conned Runt into staying at my cabin and doing my laundry and keeping Friendship entertained. I then left to meet with Banana Man. His stall was gone now; he had already completed his move to the bar. The sign now read: Princely Produce Bar and Restaurant. Apparently with the cash he got from turning in the CatScratch kill quest, he was able to order exotic fruits from abroad and had created a whole new menu. I overslept so I arrived late to the grand opening. Glasses Kid, Stalker, Brawny Babe, Fruity, Banana Man, Best Friend and all members of Harem except C were all seated at an extra long table.
Last night was so cold. Life without him is like an Iced Shell.
“Stop standing around and take a seat!” TomCat picks me up and drops me into a chair next to her and Glasses Kid.
“Does this mean you’re coming with?” I ask Glasses Kid.
“Only if you beg,” he says, dangling a carrot in front of my face.
I look down. “Please. You’re a pain in the ass and I don’t trust you at all. But you’re still my friend.”
“Okay. I’ll join you.”
“Thanks.”
“If you kiss me.” He purses his lips.
What the hell?
“I’m not kissing you!”
“No deal then.” He gets up.
“You stubborn little bastard! You know what, I’m better off without you!”
“Stop shouting!” yells TomCat. “And you.” She points at Glasses Kid. “Do I have to force you into your seat?”
“That sounds like it could be fun,” he says with a grin.
“Rrrgh!” TomCat growls.
Glasses Kid cowers and returns to his seat.
Fruity stands up. “Tommy! I got you something!” Her usually grim face became bright like a banana.
“You did?” asks the flustered cat-girl.
Fruity reaches into Glasses Kid’s bag and lifts up the new kitty gauntlets. “Do you like them?” She smiles at TomCat.
TomCat freezes up and then laughs awkwardly. “Yeah. Yeah. You’re great. They’re great. Very pretty. The gauntlets…I mean.” She awkwardly sinks into her chair.
Oh. So it’s more than just friendship. Looks like TomCat has a kitty crush!
“I hope you’ll still visit,” says Banana Man, twirling the straw in his strawberry smoothie.
“I will, Daddy. But it may be a few weeks. We don’t know.” She turns to TomCat with flushed cheeks.
“Y-Y-Yeah! I’ll go over the route.”
To keep things more interesting I’m going to skip the whole rundown of where we are going. Yeah. I’m thoughtful like that.
After the rundown we all head out.
Fruity gives her father one last hug. “Stay safe, Daddy.”
“You too, pumpkin.” He tickles her.
She holds back a giggle and then cries on his shoulder.
This is my moment.
I approach TomCat.
“What?” She glares at me. “Got a problem with my plan?”
“I just wanted to thank you for helping out. And I got you a gift.”
“You did?” she asks, raising her eyebrow.
“Yeah.” I pull out a bracelet from my pocket. It has a kitty face pendant dangling from it.
“This is…really cute.”
“Oh, well I thought it was fearsome! I’m not trying to feminize you or anything.”
Shit! This was supposed to increase my chance of making her a permanent teammate!
She puts her arm around me. “No worries. I like cute.” She grins at me, showing her kitty fangs.
“Follow me, everyone,” says Glasses Kid, taking out an Epad.
Wait how did he get that?
This episode ran a bit long so no opening or ending was really needed. But I will give you a sneak peak! Next time I will lose my sacred otaku virginity, but you’ll have to tune in to find out who gets the prize! Don’t miss it!