Things only got more complicated after I found what I was looking for. My dual duties are starting to get in the way of one another, but I’ve dabbled in creative writing. Finding alternative routes is one of the most important skills.

“You’re thinking about stuff, right?” asks Fruity. “Your eyes lose focus when your mind wanders.”

I look up at Fruity, the two of us are lying in bed together inside my tent. “Please don’t interrupt me when I’m thinking.” I pop a chocolate bit in her mouth, well technically the name is cocalis but chocolate sounds more exotic.

“Mmm. I’ll stop talking.”

“No need. I’ll just continue my inquiry out loud.” I roll off her and reach inside my infinity satchel. “Best Friend’s aggression towards me is gradually growing. While I do think premeditated murder is a very slim possibility, the chances of him accidentally cutting me open in a sudden fit of aggression are at a constant rise.”

“Maybe you should butter him up.”

“Only if it’s coconut butter! Get it, because he’s Vegan.” My eyes go wide as I turn to her.

Fruity gets up, fixing her hair. “Wow…that was…so funny. Okay like seriously I don’t even know what a coconut is. Is that like a hair fruit?”

“Yeah but with a white liquid inside.”

“I can solve your problem with Best Friend like no prob.”

I grab her hand and stand on my tippy toes. “That’s amazing!”

“Umm, aren’t you going to ask me how?”

“No time.” I show her my Epad device. “See that dot? Harem H left her tent and she’s been in the same spot for nearly an hour.

“Okay, and that matters because?”

“Well.” I pull out my little helper.

“There’s a spy among Harem,” says my amphibian helper in Main’s voice.

Fruity pets our little Psyren Frog companion. “Nice work. So, any idea who it is?”

“Not important. What matters is who they are spying for. I’d review the possible candidates but really, I have to investigate before H returns.”

Fruity rubs my head. “Don’t get hurt, lil bro. I remember when you scraped your knee and you whined for hours.”

“Oh, you do remember that? I’m happy to hear that.”

Looks like I’m quickly becoming her most cherished person.

I leave the tent and follow my Epad.

The lighting in the forest changes as I near the destination. GlassCaidas are lined up along the trees. Harem H has several in her hands, and is rearranging them.

“Um, why are you holding a grenade?” I ask.

H panics and drops the bugs.

“Ha! Did you actually see a grenade? Wow, you must be under extreme psychedelic influence.”

“You tricked me.” The mushrooms on her body light up. “You’re so funny!” She laughs uncontrollably.

I join in but it drones on too long. “Okay, so what is it you’re doing here exactly?”

“Shhh! I’m writing a very important message.” She places another bug on a tree branch but it flies off. “Why are the lightbulbs flying?”

Wow this girl is weird, but I’ve seen stranger things. Ha! I’m so clever!

“Who is the love letter for?” I ask, tugging on a vine.

The vine pulls on her leg and makes her fall off the tree.

“Have we met in a different life?” she asks, holding her head.

Basic communication with her is a challenge. But there is no non-physical challenge this scholar can’t surpass.

“Whoa. Look, the colors are joining. It’s like a rainbow river. You ever tasted a rainbow river before?” she asks a log, rather than me who standing directly in front of her.

I look out at the bugs. “You sure your boss will like this message? It doesn’t even make sense.”

“This is a message to the universe. It will only make sense when the stars are grinding each other.”

Okay…I’ve met my match. Simpletons are easy, morons are a joke, but the inebriated lack any logic. Or maybe the logic comes in small bursts. Deception won’t work with her. She is too attuned. Honesty isn’t a weapon I’m accustomed to, but perhaps if I use it sparingly, I can gain an advantage. Let’s turn these lie bullets into truth!

“I’m not here for Main,” I say, taking a bug from her hand and placing it in a random spot.

“Who’s that? The hero?”

“Yeah.”

“His aura is like a fruit bowl. I must devour it.” She licks her arm while her eyes spin.

“What about my aura? Does it tell you I’m in love with you?”

She bends down and kisses me.

Bad idea. Her toxins are entering me. Damn, my mind is getting loopy.

She breaks the kiss and places the trail of drool on her forehead. “You don’t taste like a tsunami of passionate fire.”

Tsunamis are made of water! Urgh! I don’t know how much more of her I can take! But without the ability to threaten or blackmail, a false bond is my only option.

She looks me over and touches me everywhere.

“What are you doing?” I ask, shivering from the unwarranted and nonconsenting physical contact.

“You think…like a lot.” She stares at my forehead. “Gotta open up the window.”

“No thank you. My third eye is something that I choose to keep closed. Don’t want akashic knowledge flowing in from an unreliable Source.”

“Unwind your mind.” She lifts her shirt, showing a number of glowing mushrooms on her full glowing breasts.

I’ll add motorboating those fat puppies to my internal quest log.

Her vines hold me in place.

“You don’t want to make an enemy of me.”

“We’re all friends in the primal soup of love.” She picks a shroom off her boob and thrusts her arm down my throat. “No thoughts. No worries. Ride the inner tube to nirvana.”

My mind goes blank.

I open my eyes.

“What did you discover?”

“Glasses Kid got kissed by H before I did! He’s trying to steal my harem!” I yell, my hair picking up a rock and grinding it against the ground.

“I expected he’d go after C first. But perhaps he seeks a challenge. No. This is more than an ego trip. She must have something he wants.”

“Well there’s a chance she’s going to kill him. We should go to rescue him just in case.”

Best Friend lets go of my hand. “I’ll investigate on my own. You need to get prepared. You want to have sex with your harem. Best act now.”

“Wait, you’ll let me?”

“Sixteen is of legal age in Punk. But the brothel is still off limits until your twenty-one.”

He knows I’m only four because of the leap year and yet he’s ignoring that. Maybe he thinks I can uncover the traitor by getting them all naked. Not a bad plan. Sex is now vital to completing the optional quest Flam gave me!

“Do you think I deserve Harem?” I ask.

“You reunited Banana Man with his daughter. You should be proud of that.”

“I am. Yeah, I earned it with my awesome awesomeness!”

“The brick doesn’t fall far from the construction site. I’m incredibly proud of you,” says Best Friend from behind.

Ah! I can feel his warm hands on my shoulders. This is heaven!

Stalker walks right up to us, clearly not sensing the mood. She joins in the hug, spoiling it. “I’m sorry Main. You almost died because I got captured. I’m so sorry!”

“Look, that’s what friends are for. But could you butt out. We’re having a moment,” I say to her sternly.

“Oh.” She backs away, finally giving us some space.

“No time to waste.” Best Friend breaks the hug.

Alright. Time to round up Harem.

I run off.

“Hey, why are you running?” asks Runt, suddenly on my shoulders.

“How did you get there? Forget it. It doesn’t matter. I need to find out who the traitor is. Preferably before we have sex, in case they try to kill me while my pants are down,” I say, looking up at Runt.

“Okay. I’ll help you.”

“Harem B is psychotic and violent which means if she is a spy, she’s not very good at hiding it. Even so if she wanted me dead, she could have killed me when she was in my bed.”

“The spy wants to kill you? Wait, didn’t you say they already killed everyone.”

“Oh crap. That’s true. I don’t even know what they are after. That makes this harder. Harem A said something about serving the Big Blue. That probably meant the ocean, but what if it’s an enemy faction. C legit wants to kill me so she’s my current pick as most likely to be the traitor. And D is hiding something. I could sense it when Best Friend was talking to her. That only leaves H. For all I know she kidnapped Glasses Kid.”

“So what’s the plan.”

“Get laid before I die. That’s pretty much it.”

I’m so excited! It doesn’t matter which one I choose? They are my harem so they have to do what I say. I’m going to have sex with the first girl I see!

“Hey!” Stalker pops out from behind a tree.

“Oh, uh hi.”

She grins at me and raises her eyebrows.

“Um, is everything okay?” I ask, taking a step back.

“You see me, right?” She leaps into my arms and starts kissing my neck.

“Hey! Don’t look into my mind.”

“Why not?” she asks, opening her hero book and pointing at the word “sex”.

“If you know everything I’m thinking, then we’ll have nothing to talk about,” I say desperately, setting her down.

Stalker shuts her book and looks up at me. She stares.

I lean over. “You okay?”

She jumps up into a kiss and starts rubbing my chest with her tail.

Where did she learn to move like this? I can’t believe she just made my nipples hard. Am I a bad person?

She peeks at her journal while liking her finger. “Don’t worry about the small stuff. I’m going to take a long shower. I’ve never had sex before. What’s it like? Is it anything like fireworks?” asks Stalker with glimmering eyes.

Is she feigning innocence? No way. She knows I like girls with experience. She’s being genuine which means I at least owe her an answer.

“It’s like fireworks, a massage and coconut butter all in one…is what my Best Friend said.”

Wait. Who did he have sex with?

“I love all those things! Cuddling is my favorite physical activity,” says Stalker, nuzzling her hands.

“Hold up, we’re not having sex just because of the title,” I say sternly.

“Of course not. It’s destiny, isn’t it? You saved the princess. So now you’re going to get your reward?” says Stalker, lifting her skirt.

My hair pulls her skirt back down.

“Listen Stalker, I have a harem. That means I’m doomed to be a virgin until I pick one. I’m sorry. It’s the rules,” I say, patting her on the head.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

Although I’m definitely shooting for the orgy route. Since this isn’t an anime, I should be in luck.

“You don’t love me at all!” Stalker runs off in tears.

Oh yeah, I rock. I just got out of sleeping with my…soon to be friend. The gods of friendship must be so proud.

“I know I am,” says Flam.

“Don’t you dare try and get in the way of this because you’re jealous. I’m only four years old, you damn creep! How old are you anyways?”

“You should never ask a maiden her age.”

“Yeah. I know that, Grella. I just don’t care.”

“If you must know I drank the elixir of eternal denial, so I’m forever twenty-one! Oh ho, I am so clever,” says Flam with a chuckle.

“No, you are not. Why are you here now? I was hoping the two of us could brainstorm to uncover the traitor. I actually have a lot of questions.”

“You’re more than capable of discovering them. Now, I’d like to try and salvage our last meeting. When can I expect Stalker to be delivered?” asks Flam nonchalantly.

“I’m not going to mail her to you. If you want her, why don’t you get off your lazy ass and order one of your men to fetch her?” I ask, starting to get frustrated.

“No need to get rude. And F.Y.I. my ass exercises just as much as every other part of my body. General Mew Nyah, go fetch her for me,” says Flam.

“Wait, didn’t he die?” I ask in disbelief.

“No that was General Mew Nya who died, this is General Mew Nyah with an h,” explained Flam.

“Why would you give him such a similar name?” I ask confused.

“Why to fool my enemies into believing my generals rise from the dead of course. But I just can’t trick you. It would be too easy. Fufufu.”

“You’re being sarcastic. I get it. Look Flam. I won’t take any detours next time. Once you catch Stalker, I’ll be sure to rescue her A.S.A.P., as soon as awesomeness permits,” I say confidently.

I’m so clever with alliterations.

“I’ll go get dressed. Toodles,” says Flam before leaving my mind.

I’m not actually going to let him capture Stalker. Repeated storylines get chewed out by viewers. I just want to beat him already so I can get a better villain. But he’s way too strong for me as I am now. I mean I got beat by my rival. Wait a second…that always happens at first. This only means I will surpass him next season.

“You rock Main!” I exclaim, cheering myself on.

Stalker pops up out of the bushes. Her hair is shiny. “I’m all washed up and ready for fun!”

“If it wasn’t clear enough already. I’m not having sex with you. Now, what were you and C talking about? Is she going to try and kill me?”

Stalker glares at me. “If you want more information, you’re going to have to pound it out of me!”

“Hey, this could be life or death here!”

“Whose to say it isn’t for me!”

“Even if it was. I’m not doing that. It’s disgusting.”

“My body is not disgusting, you jerk! You know what…I rounded up Harem for you. They’re all on their way now. Let’s get a quickie in before they show up.”

“The answer is no no no! You can check your book, Darbie the way too young.”

“If you go in there, one of them may try to kill you! I’ve already lost so many heroes.”

“And none of them had sex with you before they died. That’s because they weren’t pedophiles or creeps looking for an easy screw!”

“Wrong again, jerk. Racheal loved me; we just took it slow. Too slow. I’m not letting that happen again.” She suddenly grows wings and slams into me.

“You don’t want me!”

“Oh yes I do!” She pulls at my shirt. “You saved me so you’re mine.”

“I didn’t save you!” I tear the book from her hand. With plot convenience logic, I open it to the exact right page.

Her eyes shrink in disbelief.

“I stayed for Harem rather than save you! I don’t deserve to make love to you!” I yell, standing up.

I don’t even deserve to have you as a friend.

“Hero, are you alright?” asks Harem, already synchronized somehow.

“You didn’t come to save me immediately because of this?” asks Stalker, pointing at Harem in tears.

Better to break her heart than get forced into a bad situation.

I slap the button on my wrist. “No, this, this, this, this and this is why I didn’t come to save you,” I say, pointing to each member of my harem.

“Yay I’m it!” yelled Harem A before running off.

“No man shall ever refer to me as ‘this’!” yells Harem B, drawing her weapon.

“He referred to me in the third person!” gasps Harem C.

“I haven’t felt this special since I was lit on fire,” says Harem H.

“I have a name!” yells Harem D, punching my head out of the way of B’s sword attack.

I slam into a tree, holding my side in pain.

Stalker approaches me, dangles drool over the injury and then slurps it up.

“Hey, what gives? It’s your job to heal me.”

“Being promised a harem is the only reason why you agreed to save my village in the first place. I hadn’t forgotten. I was just hoping that after all we’ve been through maybe you had changed your mind,” says Stalker on the verge of tears.

Kids can be so naïve.

“Characters that the Main Character beats the shit out of change their mind and join his team. His incredible stubborn charisma is unparallel! The Main Character changes the world, not his mind,” I explain, standing firm despite the pain.

Stalker now burst into tears. “All you care about is your harem fantasy.”

“Whew, I’m glad we sorted that out. But listen…I have to pick one before I can get any sex. I was hoping you could pick for me,” I say, my palms already sweaty from excitement.

If I let her choose, maybe I can still salvage our potential friendship.

“Alright, this girl right here. I love you more than all of them combined!” yells Stalker.

“Tag!” yells Harem A, accidently knocking Stalker down.

“My love for Main is indescribable like…a torture chamber!” exclaims Harem B.

“I don’t love him enough to openly admit it,” says Harem C with a deep blush.

“My love for him moves mountains into rainbows!” exclaims Harem H with an orgasmic face.

“I don’t love him!” declares Harem D rushing to punch me in the face again.

Best Friend stands in her path, destroying her tsundere rage with a single terrifying glance.

“Enough of this. I feared for this outcome. Main is unable to make such an important decision. There is only one option. Main, unify them,” says Best Friend.

Of course! Best Friend is so clever.

“Harem, if I can only choose one of you…I choose Harem!” I exclaim, unifying them all into a single entity and thus not picking any of them above the others. “Now, meet me in my tent for sex!”

“Sure thing, master!” exclaims Harem, doing exactly as I instructed.

And with this I have mastered the genre of harem. Next up is Hentai! I wonder what awesome power I’ll get from that. Maybe tentacles! Oh yeah. I’m not just going to be the hero. I’m going to become a final boss!

“Harem A is a kid too.”

“Yeah, but ignoring the loli in a harem is a dick move.”

“You’re the dick. Fine. Go have sex with your stupid harem who only loves you becaue it’s their job. I might as well just get captured again. I doubt you’ll even bother rescuing me,” says Stalker in tears.

Glasses Kid approaches Stalker. He looks neutralized. His head is drooping and his eyes have no confidence. “Forget about that child. Why don’t we just walk away from this bad scenario?” offers Glasses Kid, freshening his breath.

“I just want to be alone right now,” says Stalker as my harem excitedly enters the tent. She ran off into the bushes; hopefully she’ll get injured so I can help her and we can get our much-needed friendship bonding scene.

Best friend exits the tent with a drop of blood on each of his fingertips. He tastes them and smiles.

“They’re all virgins. It’s safe. Now be careful not to fall and don’t over exert yourself. Don’t let them shove any sharp objects into you. I don’t have any lube, but I made this stick of coconut butter when I went to rescue Glasses Kid. Oh and…don’t get any of them pregnant,” says Best Friend, fixing up my hair.

“Not even one,” I pout.

“You really want an ungrateful Uzamiki child?” asks Best Friend, taking out a piece of plastic. “This will keep you safe from getting your legacy poisoned.”

“How?”

“It makes you infertile temporarily.”

“You’re not going to let me do this without it, are you?”

“Nope,” says Best Friend.

“Ugh. Fine.” I took it from his hands and plop it in my mouth. “This is really hard to chew,” I say before swallowing it.

“Go get ‘em. Make me proud,” says Best Friend, patting me on the shoulder.

“Haha! You actually fell for it!” exclaims Glasses Kid.

“Did you just trick me into poisoning him?” asks Best Friend, trembling.

“No. You just fed him a condom. Haha! You’re really gullible. Condoms aren’t birth control pills, you ignorant virgins!” yells Glasses Kid.

“No duh! Guys can’t get pregnant, smartass!” I yell as I take off my clothes.

“He’s lying. That strawberry flavored condom will keep them from getting pregnant. No worries.” Best Friend beams at me. “You’ve grown up into such a strong young man,” he says on the verge of tears.

“Yeah. Time to put that strength to good use.” I take off my pants and enter the battlefield.

Alright I’m nearly naked and I’ve got a whole stick of coconut butter. I’m sure they’ll know exactly what to do. Hey now that I’ve picked them all, it’s time I split them up? After all. if I wanted sex with a girl who never complains about anything, I’d pick Boobs. Sex is awesome only if it’s with a real willing girl. And I got five of them!

“A, B, C, D, H, are you ready for cold hard hot juicy crunchy steamy delicious bitter mild melty sex?” I ask in a seductive voice, using every food adjective I could think of.

“You forgot umame!” yells Glasses Kid from outside.

“Is it lunch time already! The Legacyiathan hungers!” exclaims Harem A excitedly, eating my stick of butter as if she was a squirrel.

“I’ve been ready since I tasted your blood,” says Harem B, clawing at my chest.

“Oh, so many adjectives…I don’t know if I can manage,” says Harem C, hiding her face under a pillow.

“I’m ready for spicy sex! Drown me in condiments,” says Harem H as she poured hot sauce all over her face.

“You’re the last person in the world I’d ever have sex with!” yells Harem D angrily while covering her nosebleed.

Wait, if I do them all at once…is that possible? I’ve only seen ecchi shows so I don’t know what sex is. If only Best Friend had let me watch Hentai, then I wouldn’t have to wing it.

“Um, why are you all nakey?” asks Harem A, poking at my butt.

“Aren’t I supposed to be?” I ask confused.

“Foolish mortal! You’re supposed to get nakey for bath time, not lunch time,” says Harem A.

“I see you are new at this. Don’t worry, put on your clothes and we can get started, my secret passion,” says Harem B, liking her hands.

“Wait, my clothes need to be on!? Best Friend says sex was like a massage and when he gives me a massage we are both completely naked!” I yell as I put on my underwear.

“Naughty boy,” says Harem C, wiggling her hips.

“Yaoi is overrated,” yells Harem D, while grinding against the lamp.

“Just close your eyes, think bouncy thoughts and scream,” says Harem H.

Well she has the biggest breasts, so she must know what she’s talking about.

I closed my eyes, took a deep breath and then screamed like a howler monkey.

Harem H made provocative uh sounds.

Harem A joined in, howling like a rooster that was drowning.

“That’s it, my boy! Just keep drilling like a construction worker,” says Best Friend, his voice cracking with parental pride.

“I had no idea females had such bizarre mating calls,” says Glasses Kid from outside.

“Stop! His flesh is mine!” yells Harem B, knocking Harem H aside with the back of her cleaver.

“You can’t stop us. No barrier in the cosmos can separate us now. Ah yes…I came!” exclaims Harem H, her whole face oozing purple liquid.

“That sounds good. Does that mean I’m doing a good job?” I ask before I transition through all the different farm animal noises I can think of.

Wow, this really is better than a bar of soap. This is incredible.

Harem B gets on top of me, cutting open her shirt and revealing her snowy breasts and soft pink nipples. “My sheathe…let us carve our most phantasmal fantasies on our bare bodies!”

“Wait, he doesn’t have to die,” says Harem C, politely poking B.

“Death is just a new beginning,” says Harem B with a twisted grin. She wraps her arms and legs around mine.

“We don’t really have to do this,” says D, holding herself.

“There’s no need to be afraid,” I say.

“I’m definitely not afraid!”

“Lust is just another aspect of love. It is the spice on the spaghetti that is love!” I exclaim while B bites into my shoulder.

“Fine! I love pasta so I’ll give it a try! I’m not losing to my team, that’s for sure! I’m better than all of them! Sure, I’m a bitch on the outside, but on the inside I’m super nice. I’m really deep. Speaking of deep, the hero’s ass is going to be mine. Alright, hero…enough fore-playing around! They have no idea what they’re doing. You need to be in your underwear for sex,” says Harem D, taking of her shirt.

Wow, I’m seeing the nice side of her so early. And it looks very nice. Pink bra and those lovely pink and frilly boxers.

Harem D rips Harem B off of me and tosses her aside.

“Alright now make an outline along the edges of my bra and think about beating up perverts,” she says with a maniacal grin.

My finger touches hers and side by side we ride along the edges of her lingerie.

“That’s it! Faster!” she exclaims, getting all hot and bothered.

Wow, this is like ecchi sketch but on a woman. This is…wow!

“This isn’t delicious at all,” says Harem A, crossing her arms.

“Girls, this isn’t a theme park; there’s no line. And there’s no do not touch sign anywhere on my body,” I say, ready for everything.

“Tickle time!” exclaims Harem A, licking my foot.

Harem H closes her eyes and continues to scream as she rolls on the floor.

“A warrior must be prepared for death at any moment. If I am to be prepared…I can’t be a v…virgin! Take me!” exclaims Harem B, thrusting her weapon into my hands.

“Um, what do I do with this?” I ask, looking at its sharp edge with worry.

“Thrust it into me,” she says, running my hand across her neck.

“Okay…I’m pretty sure that’s murder, not sex,” I say, gently setting the dangerous item down.

“No friend hurting allowed. If you want though, you can whip me.” Harem C hands me her whip.

“Ummm, I know I’m white, but I do not approve of slavery. I even posted a video about my overwhelming white guilt.”

“I’m sorry. I’m just so modest and I don’t know how else to make you happy. Please, just whip me a bit. I am your worthless servant!” she exclaims, exposing her bare back to me.

Go down, boner! I, Deo, command thee. As a warrior of social justice, self-deprecating females must not arouse me!

I pull out my extra coconut butter bar and harshly lash it against Harem C’s back.

“Yes, that’s it! When you do it, it feels so gentle,” she says in adoration.

Well, it is butter.

“You all lose, his virginity is mine to destroy!” Harem D pulls me off the bed and onto my feet. She then trips my legs, causing me to fall face first into her panties.

No way. She’s initiating the circumstantial ecchi fall. This girl is a legend.

D grabs me with both legs and rubs me against it while yelling pervert.

So sex is like suffocation? No, I can’t die here. This won’t be my grave! I don’t care if it is comfy. Hey, she has something pointy. Dang, does she always have a cucumber in her? That’s hardcore. Wait up. One of them may try to kill me and make it look like an accident.

I broke free of her legs and got up.

“There was no lunch, after all! You’ve deceived me, mortal. But I’m in a good mood, so I will reward your skill. If you want sex, then let’s do it,” says Harem A.

“Wait, you’re just a kid,” I say nervously.

“Time is my bitch. Bend over, little boy,” says Harem A with swirly eyes.

These girls seem as clueless as I am when it comes to sex. There’s something I have to make sure of.

“Will all of you excuse me for a bit? Just have fun with each-other while I’m gone. You know, like a platonic lesbian orgy.” I smile awkwardly and rush to the exit of the tent.

“Yay fun!” exclaims Harem A, kissing B.

“No my lips bleed only for him!” yells B.

“My back is all smooth now,” says Harem C in utter bliss.

“So um…how was it? It was my first time too,” says Harem D shyly, stepping in my path.

“It doesn’t matter where you are. We can orgasm together even if we are planets away,” says Harem H, screaming silently.

“Yeah, I just need to go check on something,” I say, sneaking out of the tent.

Glasses kid was peeking through a hole he had made. He was taking notes with remarkable speed.

“Hey, where’s Best Friend? I wanted to ask him something,” I say confidently.

“Oh, he ran off in tears,” says Glasses Kid.

Does that mean he wants my virginity. No? Must have been something else.

“Well I was just wondering…is sex with clothes on or off?” I ask.

“Elementary! As long as both genitalia are exposed and they make contact, it matters not!” exclaims Glasses Kid as he fixed his glasses.

“Okay. What does that mean?” I ask again.

“Take them off. Both…all of you should be absolutely naked,” explains Glasses Kid.

I knew it!

“Thanks, enjoy the show,” I smile.

“It is most fascinating. Mating rituals must be very different on this planet,” says Glasses kid in awe.

I rushed back into the tent.

“Everyone, take off your clothes!” I exclaim, taking off my booty shorts.

“Bath time has finally descended upon us!” exclaims Harem A, stripping out of her swimsuit with the goofy shark on the crotch.

Why does she have a…?

The lights go out.

I feel a breath on my neck.

“It’s more fun in the dark,” says Harem D, nibbling my ear and giggling.

“Yeah, but I’m afraid of the dark.”

I’m not really, but I want to check if I saw what I thought I saw.

“Only those without imagination fear the dark!” she exclaims, slamming my face into her natural pillows.

Wait. Who turned off the light? It must be the traitor. Damn it, I should have been paying attention.

“Take off your clothes…all of you! That’s a command from your hero!” I yell.

The room falls silent.

“Just do it! It doesn’t matter,” says Harem D, removing her bra and covering my face with it.

This kind of abuse I can get behind.

“If it is for you, I would cleave off my skin,” yells Harem B, only taking off her clothes thankfully.

“Modesty and fear are the same. I’m terrified, but I won’t disobey,” says Harem C, her clothes falling to the ground at once.

“If you want to see me naked, close your eyes and give me any body you feel like,” says Harem H as she took it all off.

“Yes, follow my sacred teachings, tadpoles!” exclaims Harem A.

“You’re a damn pervert!” yells Harem D, shoving her panties right in my face before punching me.

Alright, I don’t know what comes next, but I know it’s going to be awesome. I may die from a nosebleed but it’s going to be worth it.

My hair pushes the light switch.

I took the panties off my face and gazed at the beauty of their naked bodies.

I knew it! Harem A has a penis. Wow, a loli and a trap all in one. My harem is awesome. And she’s the immortal kind of loli that Pyro Emblem gamers wank off to, so I Boku no Pican ride that bike. Let’s see what other eye candy there is for me to enjoy. Maybe some sexy tatoos! No…no…no. Why do they all have penises! And they are proportional to their breasts.

“Impressed?” asks A, holding her tiny fishing rod like it was something legendary.

“You…saw it…” Harem B wobbles in place with tears in her eyes. “I didn’t want to kill you.”

“I know it’s disgusting. Please insult me or else I’ll get scared,” says C, shivering.

H looked like a Monsuta Hunta cuz she was wielding one hell of a great sword!

“It grows in proportion to my desire to penetrate,” she says with wide eyes.

Wait, that’s not all of them. D, the girl of my dreams, she’s right behind me.

Her arms wrap around my neck and she begins to choke me.

“Damn it! Another dead hero,” she says. “Why do I always have to take responsibility?”

Getting choked to death by a hot tsundere tomboy is an excellent way to go. But if that tomboy is actually a trap. Wait, a tomboy trap, but tomboys are traps, or they usually are. My head feels like it’s going to explode. If I die now, I can pretend it’s from a girl. No! I’m still a virgin! I have to get laid by a girl.

I turn around in her grip and stare down.

With that doozy of a cliffhanger, you don’t need to see the sneak peek. Pray with me that she’s not the Spring Wars kinda trap.