Episode 11: Part 1

Great! Just look at the title! That’s one hell of a death flag. This is so unfair. I can’t let it end this way. I pray to the god of retcon, Hirohiro Araki, that I can salvage this scenario. Let me just take a deep breath and feel my surroundings.

Oh no. I feel something hard pressed against my butt.

Ok. No worries. I won’t turn around this time. Instead I have my hair travel up those thic thighs and touch her….

No way. Okay. Please be a cucumber!

I turn around, noticing her lovely pubes which accentuated her…god damn it! She has a dick too!

Harem D looks into my eyes and cries. “I didn’t ask to be born this way.”

Before the super hateful SJWs, who watch my show only so they can demonize it, have a tissy fit…I’d like to make something very clear. I’m not against traps or trans or any of those gender identity thingies. I’m in shock, okay? One trap in a harem is fun, but I was expecting a harem full of girls. I put my life on the line for pussy only to get slapped in the face by the harsh cock of reality.

I struggle to escape Harem D’s iron grip on my throat, feeling killing intent close in on me from behind- likely from Harem B. Our dicks accidentally touch which makes her face flare up in embarrassment.

Why am I saying her instead of him? Because that trap obviously identifies as a girl who likes to wear boyish clothes and do boyish things. Plus, if you keep saying a lie, it eventually becomes the truth. Just look at the One Man’s Lie video game.

I took advantage of her uncharacteristic moment of weakness and rush forward. My hair tears a hole in the back of the tent, allowing me to escape. It puts on my clothes and then wraps around my legs, increasing my speed exponentially.

My harem dreams are crushed and now I have to run for my life from two or more strong female leads who want me dead!

My legs carry me through the forest. I finally look back, thankfully seeing none of them behind me.

I’ve never felt so deceived in my life. Old Dude is going to pay. Come to think of it he always had a dumb smirk whenever I asked him about my harem.

Someone drops down on me from above.

My hair shoots out on instinct but loses its focus when something slams into my back.

“That was hilarious!” exclaims Rival, slamming his palm on my back.

“You! You’re not behind this at all, but I’m still going to take my anger and disappointment out on you!” I yell, hoisting him up with my hair.

“Relax. I just came here to laugh in your face.” He points at and laughs for about twenty seconds. “So just so we’re clear, you’re no longer interested in your harem. Cuz I gotta say, Harem A is quite the catch,” he says with a pedo grin.

“She’s a boy! They’re all men!” I exclaim.

“No duh, ding dong.”

“Don’t mention dongs of any kind right now.”

“You’re still a kid. You don’t appreciate the splendor of traps.”

“I wanted girls! If I wanted traps, I would have asked for them.”

“Come on, they all have breasts. I thought you had a boob fetish or something,” says Rival, scratching his head.

“Glasses Kid calls it a complex. It’s…complicated. I call it a fixation. I’m going to punch Old Dude in the face,” I say, tossing Rival aside.

“Go ahead.” Rival hops to his feet. “Thanks by the way. If you didn’t break Stalkers little squishy heart, I wouldn’t have been able to casually walk by her and say “feel better”. Oh, that was so good,” says Rival while trembling and crying.

“You’re a freak. I’m gonna kill your ass now,” I say, my hair turning into a drill.

Rival’s hair slams into my foot like a whip and knocks me over. “Whoa there. I’m not here to fight. If you want to see Old Dude, he’s by your grave,” says Rival with a smile.

“My grave? Is that a threat?”

“I can send you there if you want.”

This dick has gotten on my last nerve. Damn it! Why did I say dick?

I punch Rival in his smug face.

He takes the hit without flinching, then grabs his face. “Rrrgh! Why are you so strong?”

“Stop making fun of me!”

“I’m not, you homophobic idiot! I’m offering you a way to meet with Old Dude so you can punch his wrinkly face!” Rival grabs onto his cursed hand and seethes. “Don’t you want that?”

“Fine then, dickweed. Arggh stop talking about dicks, you dick!” I yell at him.

“That was all you, dickhead.”

I really hate this guy but Old Dude is my real target.

“Alright. Just tell me where he is.”

“He’s at your gravesite which is…” Rival points up to the sky.

“In a magical sky kingdom! Yes! Now I just need a ship, an octopus and one hell of a geyser.”

Rival rolls his eyes. “The moon. Your grave is on the moon.”

“Why would my grave be there? That makes no sense. How would you even transport the body?”

“Shit! I didn’t want to spoil the surprise this early, but there’s no choice, I guess. If you tell anyone about this, I’ll…well I already plan to ruin your life in every way imaginable soooo, just be grateful I’m helping you and don’t tell anyone,” he says as he unwraps the bandages on his arm.

This guy is such a fake. I bet he doesn’t even have any special markings under those bandages.

The bandages fall. The arm beneath is black with stars in it.

“Are you a RiftRipper like Assailant?”

“Ask me one more question and I won’t help you out.” His arm glows as he cuts the air. The special cuts create a portal.

“Hey, can you send me back home?”

“I absolutely refuse. You’re my rival, so I won’t let you back out of your responsibilities so easily. Now, hurry up and go through. I can hold the portal open for a long time, but I’m sick of looking at the ugly porcupine on your head.”

He’s just jealous he can’t go super sayan.

“I don’t trust you at all. You know what…screw this! I’m not going into that portal!” I yell.

There’s a rustling in the bushes.

“You can’t hide the scent of your blood from me!” yells Harem B, unsheathing her katana cleaver and approaching me.

Change of plan.

I step into the portal.

Hold up. If I’m going to fight Old Dude. I’m going to need to be at full power. Alright, I just need to calm down and do the opening.

“I walk into the sex tent…ew! I burnt my eyes. And now I’m running down a vengeful path furiously…furiously. Now there’s a slide show of a bunch of girls whose genders I can’t decipher. And it’s making me question what is on my team? Damn futas! Then my hand is reaching out to her bra. That’s so soft! Now all the harem girls are messing up my sexy time! But then I jump in and rip off my clothes. I’m now clenching my fist on top of a mountain of women’s clothes. Holy shit it was all just deception! I’m then knocked back. I wipe the blood off my nose and then I run away and prepare for a fight. No matter what I won’t die a virgin. And there is only one reason why. It’s because I’m The Main Character! Me me me! The Main Character! Hell’s yeah! I’m The Main Character!”

Okay good, my self-esteem levels have increased. But still, they aren’t at optimal levels. I know what would help, the recap. Yeah, I know it’s too late for a recap. But too bad. One Place does them after the opening song all the time so why can’t I follow its long island legacy.

Last time on the Main Character: Stalker assumed I wanted to have sex with her. Best Friend told her how naïve she was and then gave me a deep kiss. She ran off and was then ambushed by General Mew Nyah. You technically can’t prove me wrong about that since it could have happened off screen. After this, I prepared to have sex with my harem. Little did I know, they were all complete amateurs. I was too ashamed of them to continue. They did not turn out to be men. That never happened. Anyways I run off to attack Old Dude for giving me a harem that is full of novices.

Yes! Exaggerate the partial truth to keep the full truth hidden. I may have a future as a politician if being a hero turns out to be fruitless.

I arrive on the surface of the moon, just like Rival said. Sadly there was no space station, space mansion, or space gods on it. All there was, as far as the eye could see, were tombstones.

I look down at my chest, the numbers tattooed onto me now made sense. I was Hero number 13131313131313131313131313. Which meant that there were likely over thirteen septillion graves that coated the moon.

My god…I know math. Wait a silver minute; how can there be more graves than there are humans on Earth? Just how long have heroes been dying for these villages.

Old Dude appears in front of me. “You’re here sooner than I expected,” says Old Dude, popping out behind me.

“You knew I would come?” I ask softly.

“With someone like you, it was practically guaranteed.” Old Dude raises his arms. “The Heroes’ Graveyard, sometimes called Neo Elysium as a euphemism. Incredible, isn’t it? All the greatest warriors this world has ever known are each buried a mere shoulder’s length apart from each other.”

Not sure if there’s a cap on how many times I can reference the same series in one episode, but it certainly reminds me of a certain cactus field from One Place.

Too shocked for violence at the moment, I wordlessly follow Old Dude. The numbers on the graves…all they had were numbers. No names, no dates, no flowers, and no mysterious runes.

Space suddenly warps before my eyes. The ground is wrinkled, allowing us to travel miles within a single step. In just three steps we arrive at my grave.

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Wait, according to my tombstone, I was murdered by Rival. I would punch Old Dude for the insult but at least my grave has more than just a number on it. It has my hero title and a false death report.

“Hold up. Is this a prophecy? Is he going to kill me in the future?” I ask.

“A hero’s death is inevitable,” says Old Dude solemnly.

Just like a magical girl’s gruesome transformation into a witch. Wait, no. Godoka saved them all. Maybe I can be the savior at the end of the century. No…the end of time itself.

“How is there a grave if I’m still alive? Don’t tell me my lie to Runt ended up becoming true. Am I like something that came out of a human fax machine?”

“See for yourself,” says Old Dude, handing me a knight’s greatest weapon, a shovel.

I plunge into the dirt and throw it to the side, symbolically tossing away my fears with the dirt.

Okay, actually I am getting more and more terrified the more I dig.

I hit something solid and my hair moves like a fan to blow away the dust.

“Thanks, hair,” I say, to which it responds by giving me a thumbs up.

I open the casket and do not find the woman who killed Bill. Thankfully I don’t find my corpse in it either. That would have been creepy.

I look inside to see that thankfully I had not been buried in it. This meant that I was alive.

“You said you knew I’d come here.” I point at him dramatically. “If that’s the case, then why did you make me a grave?” My voice is given the accusatory aura of an ace attorney.

“It’s a tradition. Main, there’s something I should have told you. Most of the graves here…no, all of the graves here are empty. There has never been a single hero’s body that has ever been recovered. Why bother really? The graves only hold symbolic value. Now, I suggest you leave,” says Old Dude, with arched eyebrows and a dark shadow.

“You tricked me! I thought my harem had experience! What’s the point of a harem that doesn’t understand sex?” I ask angrily.

“How many times have you seen the star in a harem anime get sex?” asks Old Dude.

“Never, but still,” I say in frustration.

“You wanted to be the Main Character of a harem anime in order to acquire a new ability. I needed to give you an authentic harem. But…none of that matters now,” says Old Dude with teary eyes.

“I’m still a virgin! I agreed to save your village for more than power! I wanted sex damn it!” I yell.

“You need to move on! Besides if you really wanted sex, you would have gone with Stalker!” yells Old Dude.

“How can you say something so ridiculous? She’s my…eventual friend!” I yell with a glare.

“It’s too late now anyways. The portal to your world has vanished,” says Old Dude.

“Wait, what happened to my world?” I ask in fear.

I swear if there was some big cataclysmic event that I missed because I was in a fantasy world, I am going to be so pissed.

“It took a lot of energy for me to make that portal. I don’t think I have the patience for it again,” says Old Dude.

“Hold up. Assailant didn’t make that portal?”

“You were dead so you didn’t witness it. Your corpse was brought through my portal. RiftRippers aren’t strong enough to cross into other dimensions. That said, a Primordial needs the RiftRipper’s will to access another world.”

“How many worlds are there?”

“Do you really want to give your viewers so many answers this early in the show? Exposition dumps are discredited and branded lazy writing. Ugh. Why must I protect this child from himself even now?”

“Why is there no grave after mine. It just…stops here?”

“You were the last hero. The final hope. There, I paid you your respects. Leave us. Go back to where you belong,” says Old Dude before chanting under his breath.

“Look, I’m not going to quit being a hero just because of what happened. I’m not giving up on your village,” I say firmly.

“It’s over Main. I appreciate your determination, but it’s foolish to persist now,” says Old Dude with a smile.

“When a hero sees a village in trouble, he can’t just stand by. When he sees people suffering, he doesn’t back down. A hero charges forth with justice until the oppression is suppressed!” I exclaim powerfully.

Not sure if I need to add more generic speeches like this but I will do what I must to avoid getting fired before I quit!

Old Dude shoos me away. “There is no need for this to continue. I gave you your harem. The contract has ended. You’re free Main. I’m truly sorry about taking you from your world,” says Old Dude, his wrinkles drooping into a sad face as he continues chanting.

“I don’t give two shits about your village. And I don’t care if people are suffering. That’s just life. But Stalker believed in me. The people of Doomed believed in me. And I will not betray that belief. Being worshipped feels wonderful and that’s why I’m not giving up on your people,” I say, grabbing Old Dude’s hands.

“That’s impossible. How did you already obtain the power of Deus Ex Machina?” asks Old Dude in wonderment.

The “what” now?

“I have no idea what you are talking about,” I say with a smile.

Old Dude starts pacing around and muttering to himself. “I thought The Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: The Legend was the only one who possessed that power.” He looks up at me with wonderment and a little envy. “What was it like?”

“It was a disaster! I told you, none of them knew what they were doing. It was a massive orgy of confusion!” I yell furiously.

“Not that! I mean dying. How did it feel?” asks Old Dude.

“Well that bike might have killed me, but I don’t think that’s relevant at the moment.”

“Rival killed you, didn’t he?” asks Old Dude confused.

Wait…so this whole time he thought I was a ghost.

“Rival didn’t kill me. I actually beat him. Although to be honest, I didn’t seem to hurt him at all.”

“Then it’s been postponed.” Old Dude wipes his teary eyes. “I didn’t actually think you were a ghost. I was just messing with ya! Oh well, I guess I made this grave for nothing!”

“Hey cheer up. I’m heading to Flam’s castle. I could still die,” I say reassuringly.

Old Dude looked up at me with a smile.

He totally did and now he’s trying to cover it up.

Old Dude’s face turns grave. “I was waiting for you here to warn you of the new prophecy.”

“The less you talk about it the better.”

“That would be the case if your killer wasn’t also a wielder of POV.”

“Flam?” I ask.

Old Dude points at my grave.

“Rival!” I yell.

“Not dying now only postpones your death at his hand.”

“What if I kill him?”

“Impossible. He’s been immortal for years. And now I know why. He became invincible the moment the prophecy was made.”

My hair smashes my tombstone, an action which is deeply psychological and should be pondered upon by my fans for years.

“There is one way, but it won’t be easy.”

“What is it?”

Old Dude starts laughing. “I’m not going to tell you. That would be too easy.”

I grab him and glare at him to hide my fear. “This is my life. My life!”

“Heroes don’t have fear,” he says in a deathly whisper.

“Yeah and that’s why they’re all dead!” I yell, my hair pressing Old Dude’s face against the tombstone closest to mine.

“You really want me to steal your thunder by giving you the answer?” asks Old Dude.

“Nah. Screw that noise. I’m gonna beat the answer out of you like all good Shounen role models!” My hair tears the graves out of the ground and sends them toward Old Dude.

He appears in front of me, having the graves crash in the backgrond.

My hair sharpens, cutting into the stones before throwing them at Old Dude.

He can only bend space backward or forward.

Old Dude’s wrinkles reverberate, freezing the projectiles in the air. He then brings them together.

My hair wraps around the extra large rock and wrestles him for control of it. I tear it from his psychic hold and then slam it down on him. Without even a second going by, he is now in the distance.

He appears in front of me. “Even away from the village, I am more powerful than you could ever hope to be. If it weren’t for my barrier, you wouldn’t even be able to breath here.”

I nearly lose my footing and fall off.

That’s impossible.

The moon is gone. Or rather it is flat. Old Dude and I stand on a thin slab of land, my grave now the only one in sight.

What the hell is this guy? Is he a JoJoJo-Jo Jo-JoJo villain? Oh wait, space not time. I’ve never seen anything like this. I can’t reference it. What the hell? How can I beat him if I can’t even put his powers in a nostalgic box for comparison?

Suddenly I’m on the ground and my arms are bending back, almost snapping.

“Please stop!”

The agony it’s unbearable.

“You’re supposed to be the Hero of Destiny. Yet all I see is a pathetic whiny child. I feel so disappointed. And disappointment is crippling,” says Old Dude in tears.

“You’re right! I’m wrong. Don’t kill me.”

Old Dude breaks out into laughter. “Haven’t you been paying attention. You’re immortal, boy! Only the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: the Legend can kill you now.”

“Ha! You’re lying! I caught you. TomCat killed me! It was my retcon that kept me alive.”

“Is that what you think? What if the prophecy is what kept you alive?”

“Then I am the Hero of Destiny! And as such I’m going to destroy the prophecy that thinks it can tell me how I die!”

Best Friend and I will die of old age in each other’s arms. We will reminisce about the day he found me. A day…I don’t remember. Why don’t I remember it?

“The Hero of Destiny will be killed by the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends: the Legend. Your path is set.”

I can’t accept this. I need to figure this out. And I’m just in the right place. Time for a Neo Wokio introspective moment.

I lie in my own grave and close my eyes.

Life is death. And death, without cremation, creates new life. It’s a cycle. Samsara sucks. Nirvana is where its at. Insert Buddhism quote here. Make an unrelated leftist political statement. Sleep is just a lie the government tells us we need to keep us from meditation. Wow. I feel ten times more woke. Nothing like acknowledging you’re going to die to help you figure out how to live. Oh shit! Old Dude is throwing dirt on me!

“I’m not dead!” I yell.

“Oh, sorry. Force of habit,” he says, setting down the shovel with his mind. “So, you’re not giving up? There’s no escape from your destiny, boy.”

I rise from my grave like a philosophically astute vampire. “Yes, there is! I’ve got it! I quit. That means I’m no longer the Hero of Destiny.”

“If you quit, then assassins will keep coming to kill you.”

I’d be ex-cominuicado. Shit. I’m no Baba Yaga. I’d die after like wave two!

“Why would they go after me?”

Old Dude shrugs. “Eh. They don’t like deserters.”

“Rival is a deserter, isn’t he? If that’s true, then how does he keep his hero title? Didn’t he flee?”

“That’s why there’s a colon followed by the Legend.”

“And why wasn’t he killed by these supposed assassins?”

“They got bored of killing him. He’s a man who cannot die.”

“Unless he kills me. Then I just need to tell him that so he gives up on killing me, thus changing the prophecy.”

“That won’t work. He’d love to get killed and escape his torturous guilt.”

“Then I…I don’t know what to do.”

“Just keep being our hero. Accomplish something so you leave a legacy after your demise.” Old Dude places his hands on my shoulders. “You can still be a hero before your inevitable death.”

“Okay…I guess…I’ll just move forward,” I say, holding myself in tears.

“That’s a good boy. Oh, that reminds me. There’s something you should know. I thought since you were going to die, you might as well die in ignorance. But now that you’re still alive, I should give you fair warning. The harem I got you, well…they’re all guys,” says Old Dude bluntly.

No. I thought I could change that in the recap.

“I already found out?” I say through gritted teeth.

“Oh. That was rather quick. I guess you don’t believe in foreplay then? Don’t deny all their hard work, day after day, pumping themselves full of estrogen for the greater good. Such a shame. I was hoping their breasts would have sidetracked you a little bit,” says Old Dude.

“Actually, that’s why I’m here. I came to beat the shit out of you for lying to me,” I say, my hair clenching into a fist.

Old Dude looks at me curiously. “Hold on. I never once promised you a female harem. There weren’t any women in the village. I hired some from abroad. I chose the most attractive candidates. I was going to tell you, but you seemed so happy. And then Rival showed up. I thought the secret would just die with you. But at least now you know. So now you don’t have to get an unpleasant surprise. Then again, you might like that sort of thing,” he says with a snicker.

I picked him up and shook him furiously.

“I want to know why you did it!? Do you think it’s funny to pull pranks on an undersexed teen?” I ask as I raised my fist.

Old Dude holds back his laughter and clears his throat. “If you knew why, you would abandon our village,” he says softly.

“Well if you don’t tell me, I’ll set your precious village on fire!”

“Wow. That’s a legitimate threat. I’m impressed. Eh, it’s been through several fires. What’s one more?”

“Come on. Just tell me, dude. I’m having a really rough day.”

“Fine. No more riddles or vagueness. Stalker is the last of her kind!” exclaims Old Dude, his wrinkles trembling for dramatic effect.

“What like the last guardian angel? Well, White Knight did say his got killed. But I don’t see how that’s relevant.”

“She is the last female of SteamPunk. That is why we’ve entrusted her safety to you,” says Old Dude softly.

I know Shounen animes are unbalanced, but that’s just ridiculous.

“What about Fruity, Brawny Babe and TomCat?” I ask.

“Do you not trust me, boy?”

“Honestly I don’t.”

“Hey, you asked.”

“You’re right. She’s really the last one. So then, she’s all alone too?” I ask, feeling epic empathy for her.

“That is why we brought you here. We brought you to our world to keep her safe. I never once believed you could save our village. All I ever really hoped for is for you to save us all from extinction. Why do you think we make otaku heroes? They are degenerate virgin perverts. I didn’t tell you because I knew you would think of it as a demotion. You want to be a hero, not a bodyguard,” says Old Dude softly.

“Wait, so all these heroes died to protect her? How old is she really?” I ask in skepticism.

“Why don’t you ask her yourself?”

“I will. As a hero.”

“I don’t believe anymore.” Old Dude’s face sank. “After the legendary betrayal by the Legendary Hero of Legendary Legends, I lost faith that this village would ever be saved. I don’t believe in heroes. Only prophecies that describe their deaths.”

“You mean you didn’t believe in heroes anymore…until now!” I exclaim, standing tall.

“Main, you can’t save us,” says Old Dude firmly.

“Correction, I won’t save your village until you renew my contract,” I say with a wide grin.

Old Dude’s grimace becomes a slight smile. “You’re serious?”

“I’m going to make you believe in heroes again.”

“That would be quite the fear. And…will you continue to protect Stalker if I renew it?”

“Of course I will,” I say, shaking his hand.

I already got my own harem. What should I get next? Maybe I could get my own sports team, or my own assassin squad! Wait, I know what to ask for!

“Alright, so what do you want for payment this time?” asks Old Dude with a pat on my back. “Mind you, you’ll only get your reward if you defeat another CatBoy general or deal a serious blow to Flam’s army.”

“I want to become a kung fu master. Find me a trainer so that I can surpass him. And in return, I’ll defeat Flam! Get the master ready for my return,” I say as I walk off.

I’m going to actually learn how to fight! Eat that, Saytama!

“Hold on. Do you really think you can beat Flam as you are now?” asks Old Dude.

“No, that’s why I want to learn kung-fu. I’ll see you around. I’ll be back once I’ve saved Stalker,” I say proudly.

“Wait, did she get captured again?” asks Old Dude.

“She’s the heroine. It’s her job and she takes it very seriously. I’ll see you around. Oh, and I’ll keep harem with me, but I’ll never forget,” I say with shivers.

“And you’re going to walk there…from the moon?” he asks.

“Oh. Good point.”

Old Dude wrinkles space once more, making the entry portal a mere three steps from our location.

I enter and arrive back in the forest.