I was shaken to my senses, waking up from a dreamless sleep.

Dreams are desires and I already have everything I want so I never dream.

“Stalker, get off me. I’m trying to sleep,” I say, pulling my cover up.

“It’s him! It’s really him!” exclaimed the voice of a young boy.

Wait, that’s not Stalker. Of course it isn’t. She’s been captured. Guess I forgot.

I get out of bed and look down at my little fan. He isn’t particularly important so it takes me a while to load his facial features.

He was a boy, around 7 years old with blond hair and a weird red puff of hair coming out from above his forehead. He also has big black eyes filled with stars and hope. He was wearing a green sweater, the kind with the puffballs at the ends of them and was bouncing in place.

“He’s looking at me! The hero is looking at me!” he exclaims in annoyingly charming boyish voice.

Feels good to get respect.

I crouch down.

He stands up straight and salutes me. “You saved my life, mister.”

“Oh, you’ll have to remind me. I save lots of lives.” I brush off a pesky speck of humbleness off me. “Because I’m a freakin’ hero!”

His eyes glowed even more. I had to look away from his adorable charisma. “Wow! I wanna be a hero too!”

I put my hand on his shoulder. “Listen, runt, being a hero is dangerous work. Sure, nobody died when I protected the village, but nobody is as awesome as me. You could get someone killed or get killed yourself.”

“Awesome! I get to suffer like a real hero!” he exclaimed, slashing the air with a non-existent sword.

“Hey, runt, so why did you wake me up?”

“Wait.” His eyes widened and he started bouncing uncontrollably.

Is he going to explode?

“You called me runt twice now!”

“Oh sorry. Is that a trigger word? Did you have an abusive parent that I really shouldn’t have asked about? Sorry about that.”

“Nah. My parents are dead! And you called me runt twice which means you’ve accepted me!”

“Um, no I haven’t.”

“I am Runt from now on and I will accompany you on any perilous quest.”

“Ha! Give me one good reason I should allow a kid to put himself in danger.”

Runt tosses a rock at me that almost hit me.

“Hey, what are you doing?”

“I can throw rocks!”

“Okay, and...?”

“And I know everything about you?” He grins.

“Are you blackmailing me, Runt?”

The brat jumped up with glee. “You called me it again! I have a family!” he cheers.

“I don’t like being blackmailed. Not my kink; honestly, I don’t think it’s anyone’s kink.”

“Kink? You don’t have kinks! You’re a perfect hero! No flaws at all. And no, I wasn’t blackmailing you.”

“Good, because if you were, I’d have to give you a talk.”

His eyes grew bigger. “Like a father to son talk!”

“No. Just a regular talk. Ugh. Just make your point.”

“I know how much you adore Gatsu. You even fantasize about Best Friend humping your pillow while giving you the eagle glare.”

“Her name is Boobs and my fantasies are my own! How do you even know them? Did you find Stalker’s Journal?” My jaw dropped. “Are you Stalker’s Journal?”

“You were saying it in your sleep a few minutes ago. Your heroic sleep.”

“Really sounds like your blackmailing me.”

“Well then give me a lecture and then we can have a bonding moment of regret when you realize you’re wrong.”

“Fine! I will. But not because you told me to! Blackmailing people isn’t a game. It isn’t just mean.” I lean in close to him, staring into his eyes with intensity. “It’s dangerous, Runt. You blackmail the wrong person, which is me, then Best Friend will make you shorter than you already are.”

“Wow. With magic?”

“No! With his swords! He’d chop off your legs.”

“Awesome! Then you could wheel me around and get extra hero points for helping a handicapped orphan.”

This poor kid is so desperate.

My head dropped. “Listen, Runt. The hero points wouldn’t be worth it. If you got hurt because of me, then it would hurt me. You’re my fan and I care about my fans.”

He hugs me.

My father never hugged me. Am I crying?

“Wow! Your eyes are sweating! That’s super neat!” cheers Runt.

“Yeah. Only the manliest or womanliest or heroes can sweat from their eyes. So, did I make my point?”

Runt lowers his head. “Yeah. But I wasn’t blackmailing you.”

“You weren’t?”

“I only blackmail as a last resort. You want to be Gatsu. Well you’re an orphan, so check. Orphaned at birth, double check. You have a girlfriend who is basically unresponsive, so check again. You also got a Best Friend who is both dangerous and terrifyingly attractive. You have a loli on your team who is more powerful than you too.”

“Hey! She is not!”

“You’re missing Ishizero!”

“I have Glasses Kid already.”

“Yeah, but he isn’t useless. His power isn’t hurling small stones. And he doesn’t look up to you…like a father.” Runt starts to cry.

He’s absolutely right. Smart little kid. Maybe he can replace Glasses Kid down the road.

“Alright. You can come along, but you have to do exactly what I say. Is that understood?”

“Well yeah. It’s not exactly a complicated idea to grasp,” said Runt, juggling a stone.

Wish I could juggle like that.

“Hey, so why did you wake me up in the first place?” I ask.

“To see those super cool silver eyes! Oh, and your ceremony is going to begin.”

The curtain of the tent opens and Best Friend steps in. To my absolute horror, his shirt is firmly on.

“It’s time, Main. Everyone is gathered for you.”

I get up and hug him. “Hey, buddy. Why am I at the village? Didn’t you knock me out so you could force me to rescue Stalker and miss out on getting a harem. Did you change your mind?” I ask, poking his belly.

He closes his eyes and turns away from me. “I had thought that if I fought you…hurt you…and you saw how selfish you were being, that you would step up to the plate and rescue Stalker.” He leaves the hug. “I was wrong. Regaurdless, I have to honor your wishes.”

I’ve never seen him so ashamed. What have I done?

“Hey there, mister!” exclaims Runt.

“Oh yeah. This is, uh, Runt. He’s going to be coming along with us.”

“You wanted this coronation. Hurry up, let’s go.”

“Yeah.” I grab his hand.

He turns away but doesn’t shake me off.

I have to fix this. And I don’t think tickles will work at this time. I have to prove myself to him. Ooooh, if he’s upset, then maybe when things get sorted out, we can have crazy passionate make up sex! God dang it, dick. This is serious! Let me do the thinking, okay?

“Hey, buddy. So, uh, where is the coronation held?”

Best Friend shrugs.

Glasses Kid approaches us, carried by his new big sister, Fruity.

How the hell did he steal her from my grasp? I’m the hero. She should be into me. Then again, I got TomCat. Heh. I win.

He fixes his glasses, puts on an arrogant look and then speaks. “It’s at the execution grounds.”

Best Friend glares at him. “Do you really expect us to willingly go to there? Why should we trust you?”

He’s still protective of me. Awww. My chest feels warm.

I raise my fist. “The hero has to go to the execution grounds. I will face my death with a smile and go to the Gran Line!” I exclaim, forcing tears to stream down my face.

“Why do you trust him?” asks Best Friend.

“Well, I forced him to agree to be my friend, so I kinda have to trust him now.”

Old Dude appears. “Time’s a wasting. Your harem awaits.” He creates a portal.

“Yeah, Main. Heroes first,” says Glasses Kid with a sarcastic bow.

“If this is a trick, I’ll skin you alive,” says Best Friend, glaring at Glasses Kid.

Fruity rolls her eyes. “Sooo dramatic.”

“Hey! Don’t threaten my little friend!” I yell at Best Friend.

“Don’t talk to me in that tone of voice. He has already shown where his allegiances lie,” says Best Friend darkly. “We mustn’t be sloppy.”

“I’m sorry for yelling.” I smile. “But I think we should trust them. That way if he betrays us, it will be more dramatic,” I say, giving a thumbs up.

Best Friend’s eyes shimmer. “You never cease to impress me. Don’t ever let go of that arrogant spark.”

My heart is what is sparkling right now. I could stare into those lovely eyes forever.

Best Friend turns away from me. “Alright, let’s go. No matter what foolish decisions you make, I’ve got your back.”

“See you later, big sister,” says Glasses Kid, patting her head.

“Yeah, whatever,” says Fruity, setting him down.

We walk into the portal, holding hands like two last minute lovers from Republics City.

The portal vanishes.

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A thunderous roar of applause greets us as we are encircled by my devout worshipers. The villagers in the run-down pews are screaming like maniacs. The stage itself looks all scratched up and dirty.

They really love me.

I grip Best Friend’s hand and smile.

They really love us.

“What’s done is done. Cherish this moment. Things will only get harder from here on out.” He smiles at me as we lift our hands together.

The villagers let out an extra loud cheer.

Brawny Babe gives me a smile from the audience.

I motion for her to join us on the stage, but she shakes her head.

I release Best Friend’s hand and go down to her. “Come on, you’re a part of this team. You helped protect the village with us.”

The audience was overcome with gasps and whispers. Some people cheered when I brought her on stage, but most of them didn’t.

“Hey, what are all you assholes whispering about? You better not be talking bad about my friend!” I yell into the pews.

Brawny Babe covers her face to hide her embarrassment.

Best Friend is in tears.

“Hey, hey. You okay?”

“Yeah. I’m so proud that it hurts,” he says, clenching his sides till they bled.

He’s too sweet!

I grip my heart and turn back to the crowd. “And TomCat helped too! Where is she?”

Old Dude appears in front of us. “The hero is a bit over excited is all.” He leans into me. “Don’t mention her name. She’s killed many people here.”

“If she killed them than how are they here?”

Old Dood glares at me.

“What about Brawny Babe? What has she done, other than train your heroes?”

Old Dude snickers. “She doesn’t train them for free.”

I grab him by his beard. “Enough cryptic bogus! Why do they hate her?”

I’m only a little peeved at Old Dude honestly. Just thought I’d show that rebellious disregard for authority that made the hero of One Place so popular.

“Now’s not the time for this. It is time to adorn you with your hero’s garb.”

Oooh. That sounds really cool.

Old Dude pulls out a chest from his portal. He opens it up and raises up my new duds.

A sleek orange trench coat with armor plating and arrows all pointing to me. A pair of goggles that I’m not going to put on to spare my mangaka the misery of drawing them constantly. Sandals…I don’t wear sandals. A freaking headband with thirteen thirteens on it! Ooooh, Kamia shades too! A whitewashed scarf likely made of dragon scales. And booty shorts?

“Wait, I’m supposed to wear those? Really?” I ask.

“Sex appeal is important too. Why else would all those strong female leads wear such revealing clothing. Charm is an important power for any hero.”

Shit! He’s got me trapped. If I deny wearing them, then I’ll be insulting every scantily clad feminist icon. Who am I to question Power Gal’s boob window?

I put on my new clothes, except the goggles and sandals.

Best Friend looks at me. “Stalker will be happy to see your new pants.”

“Wow these are tight.” I pull them and then come back with a sexy snap. “Oh yeah. I’m the hottest Dragon Balls babe now.”

Runt tosses off his shorts and waves at me in his underwear, also booty shorts.

Geez, being a role model is a lot of pressure.

“Best Friend, we haven’t forgotten you.” Old Dude opens up a chest of some sick looking futuristic suit and armor.

Best Friend shuts it with his foot. “I refuse.”

“What?” Old Dude’s eyes go wide.

“It’s made of silk. I will have nothing to do with any animal exploitation,” he says with that sexy vegan conviction.

“Do the rest of us get new clothes?” asks Glasses Kid.

“Eh, not really,” says Old Dude with a shrug.

“I can wait for Stalker to knit me something ethical,” says Best Friend, crossing his arms.

“As soon as this is done, we have to leave the village and save,” I say softly.

“Old Dude, why are we having the ceremony on the execution grounds?” asks Best Friend with suspicious eyes, gesturing to the guillotine.

“I can think of five reasons why. And now I realize they could all be simultaneously correct,” said Glasses Kid while drooling.

“So um, what am I supposed to do? These people just keep on cheering me. Do I just yell out “thank you ,thank you” while willing them to shut up in my mind. Or am I supposed to say something more profound?” I ask with a nervous look.

“Anything you say is perfect. All they want right now is you to acknowledge their devotion,” says Best Friend, finally relaxing.

“I only saved your village so I can get a harem!” I exclaim, giving the people unfiltered truth.

Everything fell dead silent. I had done it. I had finally shut them up.

“Your honesty is refreshing!” exclaims Old Dude, patting my back.

“I’m not here to refresh you. And I’m all decked out now. Where’s the harem you promised me?” I ask, bouncing up and down.

Runt notices and starts bouncing too.

“Main, please relax. I don’t see how getting a harem is imperative,” says Best Friend, trying to calm me down.

There has never been anything more important in my entire life.

“Every Christmas I wrote to Santa, begging him to send me a harem. And every year, I got the same reply: “There must be something else…anything?” But I stayed true to my desire and never settled for less. And now the importance of owning my own flock of lusty women has driven me to become a hero. I’m not asking you to understand why. Just please, accept that it’s important to me,” I say emotionally.

“I should never have questioned you. Well, Old Dude, where’s his harem?” asks Best Friend, suddenly right up to him.

“I can only afford to give you five members. But they are all highly trained,” says Old Dude with a naughty wink.

Oh old guys and their unsettling perversion. Funny?

“Five is plenty! Just give them to me! Give me my harem!” I demand.

Yes, finally the moment has come.

“People of Doomed. At this moment, by accepting our offering, the Hero of Destiny will pledge his eternal services to our village. He shall protect us against any force that tries to destroy us. He will battle for more than our village. He will fight for our world!” exclaims Old Dude, over-buttering the crowd.

“It’s a deal Old Dude. But each time I save you guys, I want something new,” I say, adding a rider bill along with the one I just passed.

You probably don’t even know what a rider bill is. Heh, heh. I’m so smart.

“Of course! Our gratitude is as undying as your arrogance!” cheers Old Dude.

Wow, that’s a shit ton of gratitude.

“Alright then, bring them out. I get to name them, right?” I ask.

“You are our hero! You get to name everything!” exclaims Old Dude.

Suddenly a pair of soft hands touch my back.

No way! I didn’t even sense her presence!

“Is this the new number one hero. Wow. He looks…nice,” says my first harem girl in a shy tone, her breasts rubbing against my back.

Wow, nice tits, passionate eyes, flowing hair and she loves me. My kind of woman.

“Back off! I saw him first. That makes him my big brother slave!” yells the flat, short one, rubbing up against my leg.

She looks ten. Still, she should have learned to talk. Wow, she’s short. Oh well, I can carry her like a backpack. Every true harem has a loli.

“I should cut that disgusting perverted man to pieces. But if he looks in my general direction, I’ll melt away,” says my crazy girl to her weapon.

My very own Mottoko! Crazy sword girls are always a must. And she’s surprisingly honest with her hidden feelings…I’m impressed.

“Is this him? He looks radiant. Like a white stallion! Woah, the colors. They’re everywhere. The bells are bursting my eardrums!” exclaims the next girl, while fondling her humongous breasts.

Uhhhhhhh…I guess she’s supposed to be the romantic airhead. She just seems high to me. Oh well, she’s still mega hot. What a nice rack!

“Want to see my panties?” asks the last harem girl, crossing her arms and glaring at me.

“Uh, what?” I ask, scratching my head.

I was suddenly dropped kicked in the face.

What is this crazy bitch’s problem?

“You saw them, didn’t you! I knew it; you’re such a pervert. I ought to tie you up and whip you, you pathetic excuse for a man!” she yells furiously, blushing while gritting her teeth.

Oh my God! A tsundere girl! Abusive and shy. And she’s a tomboy too! The clichés are getting me suuuuper pumped! Hey, she’s the one who was fighting TomCat in the brothel! Wow, she’s the first one I met, awesome! Then again, the guy always ends up with the first bitchy girl of the harem. I’ve just become locked in another destiny. Shit!

Best Friend approaches her, wobbling side to side, like a certain killer butler.

I Dupal wink at him and he stops in place with a chuckle.

“If you touch Main again, I’ll make it so you’ll think you’re always on your period,” says Best Friend, forming a dagger of blood.

“Hey scary guy! You can join my harem too! You’re all mine! Giant cuddle puddle, yay!” exclaims the shortest one.

Yeah. Um, she’s going to be a handful.

I use the coin trick I learned from Jojojo’s, gathering their attention in once place. “Harem girls, please, gather together. Single file line.”

They all obey, though the tomboy glares at me she gets in place.

“Okay, you there. You, over there. And you, switch with her.”

“Ugh, we have names, you misogynist,” says the tomboy through clenched teeth.

I ignore her and nod. “That’s perfect.”

They’re all lined up based on their breast sizes. Oh yeah, I’m so smart.

“You there!”

“Sir, yes, sir!” exclaims the smallest one with a salute.

The youngest member of my harem is a short sandy skinned blonde girl. Her short yellow hair is stylized into two large hair buns. Single long hair extensions are attached to the buns. They are pointed at the end like InkyMusume’s tentacular tentacles. Her eyes are intense golden revolving swirls. She had a permanent mischievous grin filled with sharp pointy teeth. She’s wearing white pajamas over a blue school girl swimsuit. On her back is an ocean turquoise backpack. Right in the crotch area, not that I was looking, was a cute tiger face that seems to change based on her emotion. Ruriririn has been surpassed!

“You’re as flat as a washboard, so you’re Harem A!” I take her ahoge, or hair antenna in laymen’s terms, and bend it into an “a”.

Her eyes glow with charisma as she puts her hands on her hips and pushes out her chest. “Heheheh! The world is flat after all! A perfect ninety- degree angle! I’m a living sled, baby! Mwahahaha!” He voice was rough, high pitched and an electrical storm of energy.

“Hey, shut up, you little imp!” yells the tomboy.

“Yeah, I’m a monster! Rawr.” She jumps on the tomboy and starts nibbling her arm.

“Oh, you like that don’t you, tomboy?” I ask with a smirk.

She glares at me. “Ask again and I’ll bite you!”

“Ohohoho!” I turn to the other maiden. “You’re next, sword lady.”

She is wearing a wedding dress, complete with veil, that was stained with pink blood. She has two frilly hair tubes that are pink. Her dark purple eyes with crimson pupils stare longingly at me. In her gloved hands is a bouquet of bloodied roses that have a creepy red katana handle poking out of them. She dances up to me in drenched ballet slippers. Her long snow-white hair and supple cream-colored powdered skin were both eerily bloodless.

“I am yours until the day I cut out your heart. Then you’re all mine. Khu-khu-khu,” she says with a tender melodic voice that shifted into high pitched cackles. She has the sweetest smile, cuddling her bouquet.

My body trembles in terror.

Best Friend looks at me, asking if he should kill her.

I signal him to stand down. “Yeah, sword girl. You have some boobage, but not a lot. You’re Harem B!” I carefully adjust her antenna into a “B”.

“Can’t spell blood without a B,” she says in a calm voice, wobbling with a deranged look while cutting her arm with her fingernails.

Wow! Like a sexbent Best Friend! Amazing!

I turn to the next girl. She had slightly blue tinted pale skin that seemed to glow. Her long light pink hair covered her entire face. I parted her bangs revealing her adorably creepy blank pink eyes with no pupils. Strapped to her face was a black oni styled Hannibal-esque mask. Between her glowing green lips is white ball-gag, filling her tiny mouth. How has she been talking? She is wearing an odd collection bondage gear: a white colored gimp uniform complete with ropes binding her and a black dominatrix suit on top and a pink spiked whip fastened to her leg.

Awesome I’ve got options with her.

“You’re Harem C.” I adjust her antenna into a crescent.

“Eep!” She blushes and nods, gripping her bosom in embarrassment. “Th-thanks,” she says in a squeaky shy voice. She buries her face under her hands.

Harem A starts taking off her clothes. “The sea! The sea! It calls me!”

“Hey, keep your damn clothes on!” yells the tomboy, keeping the little one from stripping completely.

“But. But. The ocean!” She reaches her hand out and cries.

“Relax Armini, it ain’t going nowhere,” I say, patting her head.

“Let me guess I’m Harem D,” says the tomboy, glaring at me while holding up her big jugs.

She has fiery blood red eyes and a bandage on her boyish cheek. Her short orange hair has a pink ribbon to make a side pony tail. Her red and pink hat has an Egyptian symbol on it, the circle being at the front and the arrow on the visor. Her angry grimace had one jagged elongated fang enveloping her supple lips. She is wearing a black zip up sweater with x bandages on the elbow areas and the zipper being a blue tie. A sea blue skirt just barely covers her frilly pink boxers, which I saw when she kicked me earlier. Soooo worth it! There’s a bracelet on her right hand with a pineapple pendant. Oh and she has sexy tan lines around her dark caramel tits and ass too!

“Y-yeah.”

“Goddamn perv,” she says in that fiery rough boyish voice I adore, blushing and looking away. She pulls off her hat and makes her antenna a ‘D’.

Sooo cute.

“So am I E then?” asks the last girl. “Eeeeeeeeeeee,” she sings in a daze.

The last member of my harem clearly wasn’t human. At the top of her head was a giant red mushroom with neon green moss coating it. She had other mushrooms of various colors growing out of her purple skin. Looking into her eyes was like gazing into space. And she had a pink sparkly aura around her, likely from her feudal fumes. Neon pink glowing lips and nails matched her aura. Her tits were Aiken levels of huge! Instead of a weapon, she had a tie die bong.

“Nah. You’re H!” I exclaim with wide eyes.

“Because I’m a hippie?” she asks in a shrill, hauntingly high-pitched wispy voice, taking a whiff of her bong.

“You’re a freaking H-cup!” I exclaim.

“Who the hell freaking cares about breasts! Geez, I can’t believe this throbbing prick,” says Harem D, while squirming in place.

Looks like D really wants the “D”!

Old Dude places his hand on my shoulder. “Harem is a bit much to handle on their own. But with this.” He puts a bracelet on my hand that has a pink button on it.

“Oooh, does that make the vibrators in them pulse?” asks Glasses Kid, salivating.

“Press it and see for yourself,” says Old Dude with a nod to me.

Wow. I have so much power! I press the button.

Electricity travels up Harem’s legs, making them gasp in different ways. It then goes up their sides before tickling their cheeks. They hold their cheeks in embarrassment before the energy finally rests itself in their hair antenna. Their ahoge shoot out tiny sparks and glow as they make ahego faces.

Instant erection. And thanks to my booty shorts. They can all see it. How shameful.

Their eyes shift, and their individual personalities seem to fade away. They look at me with lax, loyal eyes. “How can we be of service?” they all asks in unison, even tilting in synchronization.

I look them over. “Listen up. You all have too much personality. It’s dangerous. If you want to stay with me, you will have to act like a single unit when I say so. But right now, be yourselves,” I say with a smirk. I snap my fingers as I push the button. The electricity fizzes out and their antenna no longer glow.

A is poking her belly and making zappy noises. B is holds her shaking hands to her bossom. C is crying in shame. D has her hands keeping her skirt down and glares at me. And H, is humming to herself.

Yep, looks like they returned to normal. Well, relatively speaking.

“Wonderful, alright now let’s conclude the ceremony,” I say, turning to Old Dude.

“I’m glad you’re pleased with our offering. I handpicked them myself. I must warn you though. They’ll go through mood swings and emotional episodes. But in the end their character growth will be abysmal. Prepare for redundant gags and lots of recurring panty shots,” warns Old Dude in an ominous voice, reading off a cue card.

“I’ve seen Rosary Vampire! I’ve been prepared for years! Alright everyone, I officially accept my role as your hero!” I exclaim, taking off my shirt.

The crowd, moved by my heroic gesture, took off their shirts too.

There are like no girls in the audience. Does my harem have the only girls in this village?

“That makes this easier,” says Old Dude, swiftly branding my chest with thirteen thirteens one after the other.

I scream out in agony but Best Friend holds me steady.

“I’m so proud,” says Best Friend lifelessly as blood dripped from his eyes.

“So, you must be the newest sacrifice,” says a cocky man’s voice from above.

Suddenly the jerk drops onto the stage.

He has seven 7’s burned into his bare, ripped chest. The caramel skinned man has red spiky hair in the front but black spiky hair in the back. He glares at me with crazy swirling emerald eyes. He is wearing bandages on his forehead and arms and is clad in a black biker jacket with red shoulder pads. The man points at me with his two-finger military colored glove. “You’re mine.”

Why does he have a little girl unconscious on his shoulders? Wait I know that girl…it’s Stalker!

“Father, you’re here!?” exclaims Best Friend.

What a dramatic place to pause the episode for commercials. Wow, things are really starting to get crazy now. Who the heck is this jackass, and why is Stalker with him? I swear if he stole her friendship, I’ll kill him! I need to calm down. Alright, time for the ending.

I got a harem! A harem, yeah! The ending song later on is going to be filled with fan service!

“Sorry chump, but you don’t get to run this show anymore,” he says, before I black out.