After the hero finally takes down the villain of the first arc, the village throws them a party. It’s not only a common trope, it’s just good manners. It helps the audience see the impact of the hero’s virtuous actions. Well, this village is cheap. When asked about the party, Old Dude laughed in my face. Could you imagine what would happen if he did that to Lufi? He would have gotten gumu gumu punched in his face!

I come out of a worn-down clothing store with a special gift in my bag.

I hope she likes it.

My harem is currently un-synched and doing their own thing elsewhere. Best Friend ran off too. And Glasses Kid was on a date with his big sister, Fruity. Brawny Babe had been pulled aside by Old Dude. That means me and Stalker were all alone.

“I’m so happy you bought me something!” She hops in excitement.

“Hey. I flick her forehead. Who said it was for you?” I smile.

She smiles back and stares into my eyes.

She wants me so bad. Damn it. Why doesn’t any form of entertainment teach you how to get into the friend zone?

“Oh, are you going to do the opening and the prequal?” she asks, hopping in front of me.

“There’s too much to do. I’m even thinking of having the ending song play in the background at the end of this episode.”

“You’ve really grown a lot,” she says with a grin.

“Really!? I’m taller!?” I exclaim with shimmering eyes.

“No, silly hero, I mean you’re not as selfish,” she says softly. “Thanks a bun bun bundle for rescuing me!” she suddenly hugs my leg and starts humping it.

Geez. She’s making it hard. Not my dick! Hard to friend zone her, I mean.

Stalker abruptly lets go after staining my leg. “Well, I gotta go knit Best Friend an animal friendly outfit. I’ll see you around.”

“Wait, before you go, there’s something I’ve been wondering,” I say with a nervous look.

Stalker’s eyes become lusty. “Oh. You wanna peek?” she asks, lifting her skirt up.

“Why do you smell like chocolate?” I ask with a raised eyebrow.

Stalker releases her skirt and grabs her cheeks. “I had a nice chocolate bath so that when you rescued me you could…clean me,” she offers me her hand.

“What’s the point of a bath that gets you messy?” I ask, turning away. “Hey, what happened to you? Where you tortured? Did he hurt you?”

“How about you strip me and find out,” says Stalker, lifting her shirt a bit.

“That wouldn’t tell me anything. You’ve likely healed the physical wounds already.”

Stalker’s eyes went wide. “You rescued me! So you must have gotten hurt! Let me help you,” she says lovingly, while trying to pull down my booty shorts.

“Hey, stop that,” I say, pulling away. “I’m sorry for not rescuing you sooner.”

“What did happen while I was out? I haven’t checked my diary in a while,” she said, opening it up.

Oh no! I am not letting her find out that I didn’t save her. If I do, the friendship route will be permanently blocked off.

I grab her hand. “I don’t want you spying on me okay?”

“But you named me Stalker,” she says with a pouty face.

I grab her hand. “The past doesn’t matter. Wouldn’t you rather make new memories with me than spy on old memories without me?”

Her eyes shimmer.

“Promise you won’t peek.”

“Not unless it’s an emergency.”

“Good.”

Glasses Kid approaches us. “There you two are.”

“What do you want, twerp?”

“Hey, he called you twerp. Hahahaha,” says fruity with an almost robotic laugh.

“Yeah, he did, didn’t he?” Glasses Kid grins.

Okay, I refuse to be outside of an inside joke.

“Yeah, good one, am I right?” I grin.

“It’s time to go weapon shopping,” says Glasses Kid.

“With what money?”

Glasses Kid pulls out several papers.

Oh! Are these our wanted posters?

“The posters are missions. We completed three missions. Now we just need to turn them in for our rewards.”

“Wow, we’re like real Isekai characters,” I say while performing a shoryuken.

“Watch and learn.” Glasses Kid leads the way to a small stall by a bar.

Nasuke, in a maid outfit, notices me and glares. “What are you here for? Come to steal my victory again?”

Stalker waves and Nasuke cringes in terror like Nagesa from Inky Musume.

Glasses Kid has Fruity hold him up. “We’re here to collect our reward for three quests: defeating TomCat; rescuing Banana Man’s daughter; and killing CatScratch.”

“Okay, so where’s TomCat?” asks Nasuke with a glare.

I step ahead. “She’s not here, but I definitely beat her.”

“No proof; no reward,” says Nasuke with a grin.

“Okay, well we killed CatScratch,” says Glasses Kid.

“I’d have to see a body. Oh wait, the guy with the swords?”

“Yeah, the CatBoy General,” I say with pride.

“Already turned in.” Nasuke gives me that signature Noruto grin.

Ugh! Why does he hate me?

“Who did?”

“That’s confidential, sorry.”

“Was it Banana Man?” asks Fruity.

“Yep,” says Nasuke.

We save his daughter and he steals our reward. Not cool!

“Okay but that last one they did.” Fruity points to herself. “I’m Banana Man’s daughter. And yeah, they saved me.”

“Ok, let me just check the registry.” Nasuke searches through some papers while we wait impatiently. “Yep. Found it.” She lifts up a barrel and sets it on the table. “Your reward in full.”

I open the lid. It shimmers with golden coins with cat faces on them.

I got a harem before I became rich! Oh yeah! I’m so awesome.

Stolen content warning: this content belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences.

I try to pick up the barrel but its too heavy.

Brawny Babe lifts it up. “Finished work. Happened to pass by.”

“Well it’s a good thing you did.” I smile at her.

She smiles back.

Definitely friends with her and she deserves it! She’s so cool.

“Great. We got some money. Now let’s get the team some better weapons,” says Glasses Kid, leading the way till we arrive at what looks like a lemonade stand.

“Hiya, Merchant,” says Stalker, waving at the weird rock man behind the stand.

“Why ‘ello, my dear. Been a while, ‘asn’t it?”

I step up in front. “How do you know her?”

Glasses Kid, now riding on Fruity’s shoulders, pats my head. “Relax. He’s a traveling merchant. He gets around.”

“You know him too?”

“Nope. But you can tell this shop was put up recently. Really recently. The paint is still wet,” he says, getting some on his finger and then wiping it on my arm.

“I came for the people. After the attack, they be running low on many supplies. I was happy to offer ‘em a bargain,” says Merchant, creating dust when he rubbed his stone hands together.

“I’m going to go knit. I’ll see you later, hero,” says Stalker, waving at me before rushing off.

“Don’t get captured again!” I holler. I then turn to Merchant. “What do you even sell?”

“Eheheh. Boy, you should be asking: what don’ I sell?” He pulls a long, shining sword out from a sack.

“Oooh, how much?” I ask with wide eyes.

Glasses Kid flicks my forehead.

“Ow. What is your problem?” I ask, gritting my teeth.

“You don’t know how to shop. Anytime Best Friend gives you any money, you spend it immediately. Never buy the first item you see and absolutely never ask for the price.” Glasses Kid turns to the seller. “What else do you have?”

“Heheh. Smart one, ain’t ya?” Merchant grins.

Merchant lifts out over thirty items all of which look awesome and none of which Glasses Kid buys.

“Is that everything?” asks Glasses Kid.

“Yep. So, what will it be?”

“Nothing.”

“What?” Merchant’s sleezy eyes go white.

“Nothing your selling is necessary.”

“Fine, then be on your way.”

“The only thing is…well, I don’t think it’s for sale.”

“Everything is for sale. I will chop off my arm and give it if the price is right,” says Merchant.

“I offer up this entire barrel of coin!” announces Glasses Kid.

Why is he spending all my money at once? That little hypocrite.

Merchant opens the barrel and inspects the coin with a special magnifying glass. “Well, well, well, what do you want?”

“Deal or no deal? Isn’t this enough for any single item?” asks Glasses Kid.

“It…it is!” Merchant reaches out and shakes Glasses Kid’s hand. “It’s a deal!”

Glasses Kid’s eyes go wide and he grins like a jester.

What the hell is wrong with this little guy?

“So, um, is it the mermaid blood bottle, the map of the kingdom, or…”

“Your pouch. Your special pouch that holds everything. I believe it’s called an Infinity Satchel.”

Merchant’s eyes went wide. “You clever little bastard.” He gnarled his teeth. The entire time he shook out the contents of the bag, he glared at Glasses Kid. Once it was empty, he handed it over. “You know, I could use someone like you.”

Glasses Kid rolls his eyes. “I couldn’t care less about Cat Coin. It’s a mere lubricant to get the gears working faster, not a goal in and of itself. What I seek is something a petty man like you would never understand. Farewell.”

Fruity doesn’t budge.

Glasses Kid leans down. “That was your cue to leave.”

“TomCat would love these.” Fruity stares at sleek dual piston kitty-faced gauntlets.

“Too bad your boyfriend spent all your money,” says Merchant, still glaring at Glasses Kid.

“He’s my little brother.” She takes out a purse that looks like a melon. She opens it and the interior has a red seedy pattern and lots of Cat Coin. “Mine.” She picks up the gauntlet and gives him a fistful of golden Cat Coins.

“You still have some coin. Anything else interests ya?” asks Merchant, lifting up a magic staff.

“Trying to buyback your kingdom. That’s rough,” she says, looking into his eyes. “She slides him a few extra coins. “Best of luck.”

Merchant grabs her hand and places the coins back in them. “I don’t accept pity tips,” his voice was dark and gravely.

“Still a proud race after all you’ve been through. Don’t let that pride hold you back.” She puts her coins back in her purse and walks off.

I follow along but Brawny Babe stays behind to chat with him. “Hey, why did you spend all our hard-earned money on an empty bag?”

“I dunno Main, what’s the most important thing to grow in an RPG?” asks Glasses Kid, dropping his pack in the bag.

“Experience?”

“Nope. Inventory space. Space gives you more items, which means more money. Plus, did I mention that this bag is absolutely weightless?”

“You spent my money on something for you!” I yell.

“Yep. I’m the treasurer of the team. I make sure the money is used effectively. Now, come on. It’s time to meet at the bar. Harem will be there.”

Harem! Harem! Harem! Wait, what was I complaining about again?

We make it to the bar called the Loopy Panda. The place is dusty and most of the seats are broken. Spiderwebs line the ceiling and the bartender is wearing dusty clothes. Best Friend and Harem are already inside. Harem all stand up and rush to me, while Best Friend just gives that signature lax smile.

“You better have brought this deity an offering,” says Harem A, pulling on my arm.

“That little angel wasn’t trying to steal you from me? Was she?” asks Harem B, sharpening her fingernails on a kitchen knife.

“Ummm. Uhhh. Hi.” Harem C runs off in embarrassment.

“Why are you late, idiot?” asks Harem D, poking my forehead.

“I got all the wine samples and mixed them together.” Harem H presses her mug to my face. “Want to taste my child?”

Geez, who knew having a harem would be so overwhelming? I have to find a way to answer them all at once.

“I bet I can tell what kinda panties you’re wearing,” I say, sliding my thumb on my forehead in an extra cool manner.

Harem C releases steam from her head and collapses. Harem B’s eyes widen. H pokes invisible bubbles and makes popping noises.

“Mwahahahaha!” exclaims Harem A. “Go ahead and try. The greatest mystics have been unable to uncover my secrets!”

Harem D grabs me by my collar and hoists me up.

“A girl like you gets off on perversion! So black lace!” I exclaim.

She drops me and covers her skirt. “You damn perv.”

I point to A. “A kid. Teddy bears or strawberries. Easy peasy.” Then B. “Polka dots. Psycho girls who loves cute things often wear polka dots.” C cries when I point to her. “Pure white, like your innocent soul.” I stare at H for a while. “Ummm, rainbow stripes cuz umm the sixties?”

“Strawberrys? Ha! Teddy bears? Mere pets unworthy of being on my body. You were wrong, mortal!” Harem A turns around and pulls the back of her swimsuit to the side. “I’m always commando!”

B slices her skirt. “Polka Dots are for the weak. The weak must die. And I hate cute.” She shows off her pure white undies.

Wait if she’s white, then what does C have?

“Mine are yellow now,” whines C, hiding her face in shame.

Harem H lifts her skirt, showing off a black void.

That’s ominous. Censorship is scary.

Harem D jumps on top of me, wraps her legs around my face and then pins me to the ground with her ass burying my face. “Do those look like black lace to you!? What the hell kind of perv do you think I am?”

I give a thumbs up, which makes her blush and release me.

I already saw hers, but by saying the wrong thing, I got her to show me. I got all of them to show me! Haha! Harem girls are so easy.

“Main, will you sit with me?” asks Best Friend.

I push through my harem and immediately sit next to my best bud. “What is it? Aren’t you going to eat?”

“I only eat at Vegan restaurants. Otherwise I’m supporting a place devoid of morality. You know that.”

“The bread is free,” I say, taking one off the tray.

“It’s also covered in butter.”

“Hey man, why don’t we leave this place and go get some Vegan dining together?”

“Why is he sad?” asks Harem D, looking at Best Friend with worry.

“He loves animals. Wants to eat at a vegan place.”

“Oh cool. I’m vegetarian myself. But there’s not any Vegan restaurants in the village. Oh, I know. I’ll be right back.” She leaves with a smile.

Wow. She wasn’t being bitchy. That’s odd. I didn’t expect her to show her nice side until season two at least.

Harem A sits on the table in front of me. “So, what daring deed gave you the title of the Hero of Destiny?” Her eyes shimmer and she drools.

“I defeated a fearsome dragon with just my hair.”

“Really!” Her eyes got wide.

“Yeah, and I died fighting a CatBoy general, but I came back stronger than ever.”

“Ooooh. So you’re like a Zommy?” She pokes at me.

“Brains. Brains.” I grab her head and pretend to bite.

“Haha, fool! As if I could be turned by a mere Zommy!”

“You’re dead?” asks Harem C with a look of horror. Her eyes go blank but she stays standing.

“Could a dead guy do this?” I juggle all the glass cups on the table.

Harem A hops into my arms and I juggle her too. “Gravity, you have been surpassed yet again!” she exclaims.

Wow, she’s totally weightless.

“Why does she get to have fun? I secretly love fun,” says Harem B, stabbing her thigh with a kitchen knife.

I move up to her while juggling and lift her in the air too.

“That looks scary,” says Harem C, hiding behind her plate before I lift her up.

I walk to Harem H, but she’s already floating.

On second thought, let me not touch her. Not sure if she’s poisonous.

A man screams in agony from the kitchen.

The doors to the kitchen open and Harem D comes out with some blood on her face.

She sits down with a plate of butter-less bread rolls.

“Mmm. It’s good. Want some?” she asks Best Friend.

I rush in and stuff my face full of the bread rolls.

Yeah. I can eat a whole truck’s worth of food just like any male Shounen protagonist! Oh man, Harem D is going to get so turned on!

“Main, you shouldn’t eat too much. You’ll get a tummy ache,” says Best Friend, patting my stomach. He turns to Harem D. “He gets full very easily, but always pushes himself to eat more. That charisma is so enchanting.”

“I should cook for you sometime,” says Harem D.

A looks up arrogantly, still airborne. “Ha! The kings of the sea gather from the four corners of the Umi for my cooking.”

B smiles while shivering. “I could find you a mermaid and make some sashimi. Unless you’d rather eat my arm.” She cuts into herself.

Damn, psycho chicks are hot!

“I try to cook, but it’s too salty. I always cry on it.” Harem C, buries her teary face.

My own Shaolin Football girl! I bet her tears are delicious.

Best Friend puts his hand on Harem D’s. “How did you make this place a Vegan Restaurant?”

“Well, I had a talk with the head chef. Turns out he just needed to remember that we’re all animals who feel pain. Now he’s an animal lover too,” she says, giving a bloody thumbs up.

Best Friend looks up at her. His eyes shimmer for an instant.

Whoa, hold up. Is my main love interest hitting on my Best Friend? This is the worst possible ship ever! Sorry NoruHina, you have been surpassed.

“Nice work, babe,” I say, spanking her butt.

Girls hate it when you call them babe, or spank them. But tsunderes, ohohhoho, they live for it.

“Don’t make me feel good you pervert!” yells Harem D, her fist about to hit me.

I lift her up and now I’m juggling her too.

Wow. Four girls are floating above me and they weigh nothing. Juggling powers are amazing.

The bar door opens and a familiar figure enters.

“You,” says Best Friend softly, drawing his blade.

The figure suddenly slams into me, making me drop all the girls. I slam into the wall with a broken arm.