Episode 10 Part 1

Previously on The Main Character!: with the power of being a teenager who commands a group of horny virgins, I was easily able to take down the jealous hero: White Knight. Harem D and Best Friend got into a big fight, so they obviously aren’t into each other. Best Friend was moved by my heroic decision not to save the little people who were being used as an energy source. And TomCat wants to ride my bone after I gave her a bracelet. There are honestly so many people who want to have sex with me and it’s in the title! It’s destiny for me to lose my virginity this episode. I just have to make sure its with the right person.

After a busy night of traveling thought that prickly forest from the Boobslime OVA, we set up camp. Glasses Kid’s Infinity Satchel apparently has all sorts of camping equipment. I absolutely did not sleep alone. I did not have that same terrible nightmare either. In fact, I woke up with Harem D in my bed, snuggling me.

Yeah! That’s who I want to bone more than anyone!

“Hero, your heart is beating. It’s pumping blood,” says Harem B with wide eyes.

Oh shit! It’s the crazy girl. It was supposed to be D for damn she thicc, not B for babe with the bloodlust. No worries. I can handle this. If Yukki can score Miss Goresai, then I can definitely make this babe fall for me.

“You know what else is pumping blood?” I ask with my perfected eyebrow raise.

“No. But can I cut it out and keep it?” she asks, starting to pull out her cleaver.

I place my hands on hers which makes her blush.

“You’re too bold! I’m not ready for marriage,” she says, holding her flushed cheeks while clawing at them.

“Marriage is for masochists who like really hardcore soul bondage. You seem more like a sadist to me.”

Harem B blushes and holds her hands to her chest. “You pay attention to me? I’m visibly embarrassed so I might just cut you in half.”

My hair shoots out and wraps her hands, keeping them from pulling out her katana cleaver.

“If you kill me, then you’ll have your license revoked. Plus…I really like you. You’re um…such a cute girl. Sure my ghost could haunt you, but I wouldn’t be able to touch your soft skin.” I place a single finger on my hand.

Harem B snorts awkwardly and then starts shivering. She lies down and rotates her head while laughing maniacally.

Oh shit! I’ve got to get out of here. My absolute terror is making it really hard to enjoy how charmingly psychotic she is.

Harem B suddenly stops laughing. She stares at me, licking her lips.

“If you hurt me, Best Friend will kill you.”

“That angel…every time she looks at you with love. I want to cut the passion out of those big eyes.”

“Hey. She’s my friend.”

Harem B slides on top of me, moving like a snake. “You swear on your life?” she asks, a single finger pressed against my throat.

“Your hand is shaking,” I say, touching her.

She pulls away with embarrassment. “I’m nervous as hell around cute guys that I hide my feelings for. But that’s not why I got the shakes. Blood! I need it! Soon. I must feed,” she claws at her sides and licks the blood off her fingernails.

Soooo sexy! Imagine how crazy she is in the sheets! I’m going to make so many little Chowdas with this crazy bunny.

“We’re in a forest! How about a bit later, we go out and find some bandits? Sound fun?”

“Okay. But I don’t want you to see my bad side. You won’t love me then…and if your heart no longer craves me…I’ll just keep cutting till it at least fears me,” she says with an innocent smile.

She’s lonely just like me.

I hug Harem B.

“Wha-wha-what are you doing? Bloodless physical contact makes me feel vulnerable,” she says wiggling and crying.

“Hey. It’s okay to feel vulnerable at times.” I pat her head.

She inhales like a banshee and then snuggles me. “I…like you.” Her voice is shaky and soft.

“I look forward to our date.”

Her tongue sticks out. She whacks me with a pillow. “Me too. Don’t die before then!” She then skips out of the room.

Hell yes! I got a date! That’s one potential sex route open.

The covers pop up and Runt pops out from between my legs. “Awesome job on the date! Can I come along?” He beams at me.

“You absolutely cannot! And I thought you stayed behind at the village. You weren’t there at the meeting.”

“Well, I get nervous around big crowds. I told you I was coming along on your journey.”

“Look, Runt. I need your help with something.”

He sits in my lap with wide eyes. “You do?”

Let’s see how gullible this little runt is.

“They’re all dead.” I soften my voice.

His eyes pop with shock. “Wh-What?”

“Yeah. While you were asleep, enemy stando users came and slaughtered everyone.”

“That’s horrible.” His eyes went vacant.

“They were all replaced with alternate versions of themselves. Honestly. I don’t know if I’m the real me.”

“No! You can’t be a clone!”

“Sorry, Runt. There’s no way of knowing. Well, unless we learn the truth.”

“Do you have a lead?” he asks, leaning in.

“Yeah.” I pick him up and set him on my side. “There’s a spy among Harem. I need your help to find out who. Maybe we could split up and cover more ground.”

He hugs my leg. “But I don’t want to leave you. It’s scary outside. I don’t wanna get retired.” He sobs.

“Sorry but it’s the only way I’m going to figure out who the spy is.”

“Nuh-uh.”

“Uh-huh.” I stick out my tongue.

“What if you do that cool POV thing? Then you can spy on them without them knowing.”

I pick up Runt and hug him. “That’s a genius idea…that I just came up with. And you can stand guard. If my real body is in danger, just talk about how epic I am until I regain my point of view.”

“Gotcha, boss! I’m being helpful! Yay!”

“You sure are! I’m starting to think bringing you along was a good idea after all.” I take a deep breath. “Alright. Time to take my ego down a notch!” I smack my face. “You’re an idiot who’s undeserving of being a hero. That’s why Best Friend no longer loves you.” As I am swept in tears, I feel my consciousness leave me.

I stretch as I yawn, letting out a little meow.

“Status update?” asks Flam.

I flick my forehead. “It’s too early for your nonsense.”

“TomCat, I am the one who brought you back. Don’t make me regret that.”

“Mornings are for me. Plus, you can’t do anything now.” I scratch my ear with my foot.

“I could make that boy do whatever I want to you.”

My body shivers. I shake away the flashes.

“You don’t need my update anyway. Not with your little spy roaming around.”

“I’m not the only one with a spy. You will uncover who they are and what they know.”

“D is like their big sister. No way is she going to just let me interrogate them.”

“Then do so without letting her figure it out. I’m oh so busy. Don’t fail me. You know how much I’d love to punish you.” His voice fades away into a whisper.

Damn that man!

I punch my pillow and scratch it open in a fit of rage.

“Rawr!”

I feel something leap onto my back.

I grab it and slam it against the bed.

“Oh hai yo whatsupu?” Harem A asks with a toothy grin.

“What are you doing here?”

“I was sent by the almighty Great Blue to cleanse the world of…”

I cover her my mouth with my hand. “Why are you in my tent?”

Stolen content warning: this tale belongs on Royal Road. Report any occurrences elsewhere.

She nibbles my hand until I let go. After landing on the bed she rolls and then pops up. “Everyone else was asleep!”

“So you’re bored then.” I roll my eyes. “Not my job to entertain you.”

Harem A suddenly hugs me. “It’s been years! I am here to wash away your loneliness like a powerful tsunami!” She nuzzles me fiercely while growling.

Still just as cute as ever.

I grab her and lift her up.

“Whoosh! I’m a flying fish! A Neo Aquarius! Pew. Pew. Pew!” she exclaims, spitting at me.

I glare at her. “I left you.”

“Yep.”

“I’m no longer a part of your team.”

“Got it.”

I stare at her and she just smiles. “That means you should hate me.”

“Ummm…okay now I’m confused.”

“I betrayed you and murdered your hero. There’s no way you forgot that!”

“Yeah…that was kinda sad.” She reaches out and pulls at my ears. “But we’re friends and friendship is as undying as the sea!”

“You…really want to be my friend after all that.”

She bops my nose and grins. “That means yes,” she whispers.

“Too bad.”

“That’s it; bow down and serve me! Wait…too bad?” she looks at me curiously.

“I didn’t actually betray you. I was never on your side. A spy since the very beginning. Our friendship was just part of the game.” I grin.

There. Now she better leave me alone. I have to stay focused on my mission.

“Oooh!” She nods. “I understand.” She shoves both fingers up my nose, pulls on my left earlobe and knees me in the crotch making me cough.

I toss her against the bed. “What the hell was that for?”

“New game plus initiated! Let’s play the friend game again!” She hops on my arm and grins at me while bouncing up and down.

“Urrrgh! Fine! Whatever.”

There’s no saying no to her. Stubborn as ever.

“Hey, does Harem D still umm talk about me?” I ask, turning away.

“You betcha! She uses all sorts of curses! She seems really excited you’re on the team! Wants you to sing to her with your broken bones! That sounds really fun!”

This is going to be a long journey. Ugh. I don’t deserve A’s kindness. I don’t deserve anything. I’m a damn coward. I’m foolish to have thought I could ever be a hero.

“I did not ask for your tears as an offering!” Harem A licks my face and tickles me until I giggle.

It’s so hard to be broody around this little bundle of sunshine.

“Well if we’re friends, then how about you help me test out my new gauntlets?”

“Mwahahaha! You wish to spar with a deity!”

“You coming or not?” I ask, getting suited up.

“Yeah! Of course!”

“Ah!” Runt screams, shaking me awake. “You’re so awesome! Like the best ever! Now save me!”

“What is it?” I ask, my hair grabbing the sharpest object it could find and holding it out like a weapon.

“Monster!” cries Runt, pointing at the entrance to the hut.

I thrust my toothbrush forward, but there’s nothing there. My hair lifts up Runt by his hair. “Are you lying to me?”

“No! There was like a ghost or something! I swear!”

“I’m a moron who gets tricked by lying little kids! Clearly I’m not worthy of being a hero!”

“Another blank page! No fair! I wanted to see him take care of that morning wood. But he keeps releasing his POV!” I slam my hero’s diary shut. “Wait! He’s sleeping! That means I just need to distract the kid and then…I can watch him sleep…inches from his bedside!” I hop in excitement and head toward the exit.

“Umm. Hi.” Harem C waves at me.

“Hiya!” I wave back. “Do you need something? You already have bewitching breasts that are enchanting my hero, you accursed psyren!” I yell, pointing at her.

She cowers and cries.

“Sorry. I shouldn’t have said that.” I grab her hand and lead her to the bed. I take a seat. “I’m just overwhelmed. Main has so many love interests now. I’m sure you mean no harm.”

“I do.”

“You do mean harm?”

“Well only a little,” she says softly, averting her gaze.

She’s shy. It’s so cute.

“Oh, I get it. You like Main too. Well, I’m not backing down. Sorry, peachy.”

“I don’t like him. I want him…a teensy bit…dead.”

Wha…..

I give her a blank stare.

“Only a teensy bit. And I don’t want to hurt him. Just a little bit dead would be nice. Nothing too bad.”

“Hold up!” I gather the water from my cup and turn it into a spear. “You’re not hurting my hero!”

“Of course not. But umm…maybe you could.”

“I would never! Now tell me why I shouldn’t end your life right now.”

Harem C breaks down into tears. “I can’t. My life…is worthless.”

“Stop.” I lower the water into the cup and drink it. “Look, just explain what you mean.”

“I miss my boyfriend. He needs me.”

“Okay? Ummm…what does that have to do with Main?”

“Just like you I’m bound to Main because he’s the number one hero. If he were to die, just a little bit. Then my Knighty would be number one and we would be back together.” She hugs herself and pats her shoulders.

“Umm, who’s Knighty?”

“The worthy people call him White Knight. But Knighty is my special name for him. Do you wanna know what he calls me?” Her eyes sparkle.

“Sure.”

“My equal.” She holds her cheeks.

“Wow. That’s like the sweetest thing! I didn’t know he was nice,” I say with an awkward chuckle.

“He’s very nice. Never hurts me and always consensual. It took a while before we umm…became Voltran.” She smiles just a bit. “I had to bend and beg for his umm sword…if a girl doesn’t beg, he feels uneasy. He’s such a virtuous knight.”

Ummmmm.

“Wow. He sounds…uhh…cool and nice.”

Her eyes glare at me with a terrifying void. “You want him too?”

“No way! I’m not tall enough for that ride anyways. I understand you now.” I grab her head and pull her into my bosom. “Love is just making you a bit loopy. I can relate. Well, we aren’t love rivals so…maybe I can help you out.”

“Really! You’re too kind.” Harem C sobs in my arms.

Runt shakes me to my senses. “Swallow the mountain. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Eat the ocean. Whoa. Whoa. Whoa. Guts. You have guts. Umm take the world on your plate! I really gotta go!”

“What is it this time? I’m trying to find out if my angel is plotting to kill me! What could possibly be more important than that?” I glare at him.

He bounces in place. “I gotta go potty. I can’t go alone.”

Flashes of Best Friend holding my hand, followed by synchronized peeing, dance in my mind before vanishing.

“Okay, Runt. Let’s just go quickly so we can continue our very important mission.”

Runt nods and pulls me outside.

I watch the area as he faces the bushes.

Best Friend always lost. My stream was always longer. But what if he was holding back? And if so, why?

“All done!” Runt rushes to my side and grabs my hand.

“Okay good! Now hopefully I can get back into Stalker’s point of view.” I lie down inside the futon in my tent.

“I’ve got you covered this time.” Runt clears his throat. “You’re super awesome but slightly less awesome than you think. And you may be the best hero ever, but you still have room to improve.”

I put my hand over his mouth. “Stop. You’re terrible at this. Look, the secret is to listen to that nasty voice in your head. The one that sounds like everyone who never believed in you.” My shoulders slump.

“But there’s no voice in my head.”

“Main, your entire channel was shut down. Your legacy is gone and you have no way of returning home. You’re going to die another nameless hero.” I shiver at my own insults.

I check the perimeter to make sure no one is looking and then remove my shirt. I sink into the tub, still wearing my bathing suit.

Heat. Bathe me in your malice and melt away my obstructions.

I drip the water on my forehead.

Something touches my foot.

I turn to see that the Onzen is filled with fish. “I hope I’m not bothering you. I just need a moment here to clear my head.”

The fish look at me curiously.

If only I could communicate with them.

My eyes open as the sound of water being displaced seizes my attention.

“Oh. Sorry. I uh…no idea this was occupied. I’ll uh…I’ll go,” says Harem D, lighting up like a juicy tomato.

Those cheeks look so tender.

“Wait.” I stand up. “I’d like to talk with you.”

“Oh, okay. Well, then mister super hot guy. Umm, we can uhh, chat later.” She turns away.

“I want to talk to you now,” I say, adding just enough seduction to my voice.

Harem D laughs awkwardly as she slides into the pool, in only her bra and bloomers. “A is really jealous of my natural flotation devices but honestly I kinda wish my boobs were tiny.” She covers her face. “ Am I rambling? I’m so sorry. I’m such an idiot.”

“You’re afraid.” I swim up to her gently. I rest one hand on her shoulder. “You have nothing to fear from me.”

“You’re so amazing and attractive. I’m just a big mess.” She hides her boyish face under her hands.

I move her hands from her face. “What are you?”

“Huh?” Her eyes go wide and her lip quivers. “Oh, I’m vegetarian.”

“You are.”

Vegetarians, those with good intention but improper wisdom. I must guide her.

“Yeah. One time, when I was in a forest, a Cuckatrice was being chased by a hunter. See their flesh is delicious so they uhh, get hunted a lot.”

Is she drooling? Perhaps I was wrong about her. Maybe she is indeed unworthy.

“Well I took a couple arrows, but I saved the bird. When I returned home…they were eating bird flesh. It made me sick. And I had eaten birds all the time before. But I didn’t think about them as birds. I just saw them as meat. That day I swore off all meat and became a vegetarian.”

I embrace her. “Few have the conviction to simply apply their morals. The past is over. You mustn’t let guilt hold you back.”

I never thought I’d find a kindred spirit. She truly is a blessing.

“You’re wrong,” she says as a whisper.

I feel a dark energy overtake her.

She looks up at me. “I can’t ever make amends! That’s all a damn lie! The lives that were lost. The lives I took. There is no making up for it! We’re all individuals. Benefiting the group does nothing to help those that are already dead. Redemption is a lie.” Tears of fury fill her eyes.

Such conviction. My heart…it trembles.

I pull away. “Are you some sort of sorceress? An enchantress perhaps?”

“What are you saying.”

“You make me feel…something. I don’t understand what you’re doing to me, but please cease it.”

“My only power is destruction. I’m a liability to everyone near me. If you feel something for me. If you really do, then please…if I hurt your hero….”

“I’ll slice off your head the moment I sense malice directed at him.”

She hugs me and cries on my shoulder. “Good. I can’t bear to hurt someone who is so good. You’re special. I…love you.” She pushes away and then laughs awkwardly. “I am such a moron! I mean we just met and you’re way too good for me. I look like a freaking boy and…”

I silence her with a single finger. “I’m honored that you feel something for me. We have much in common. I too hurt those I love. I’ve made so many sacrifices but each one, every single one, I use as motivation to complete my dharma. You are unworthy, but so am I. Perhaps us unworthy wretches can support one another.” I offer her my hand.

She takes it then squeals like a bun bun.

I’m not alone, after all. This warmth…perhaps it too can be molded into a motivator.

“Hey! So I’m like super hungry! Wanna get something to eat,” she asks with a bit of drool.

“Yeah, I’ll cook something up.”

“You’re a chef too? You’re the perfect guy! I love cooking too! Would love to learn to cook lots of tasty vegan dishes. We should totally troll TomCat with like a huge buffet of vegan meats.”

My hand moves to my chest.

Be still my beating heart.

“I would love that.”

“Great! But first a snack!” Harem D shoves a fish into her mouth and swallows him. She then picks up another and bites off her head.

Die.

I cut my arm and form a sword, slicing her.

How dare this human deceive me.

“Hero!” Runt shakes me awake. “Just one and then they’re done! Whoa, you’ve got powers. Ummm something about a herooooo! Oh good, you’re not dead?”

“Harem D is in danger! Gotta rescue her now!” I run off, leaving Runt behind.

The OnZen is just past the clearing.

My legs carry me as fast as they can. I show up to see Harem D, bleeding on the floor and Best Friend looming over her.

Rather than stand in front in a pathetic attempt to block him, or lie on top of her which would get us both stabbed, I decide to rush Best Friend from behind and grab his arms.

“Stop! She’s an ally.”

“You don’t know what she did.” His voice is cold yet full of malice.

“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” She’s on the ground, shielding herself and crying.

“It was just a misunderstanding. She’s a pescatarian; not a vegetarian. Semantics, that’s all,” I say.

“Do not defend this despicable traitor,” he forms another blood knife. “All bigots deserve death. And she is just another bigot.”

“Yeah, but I love her!” I yell.

Best Friend stops in place. “What?”

“And she’s a part of my harem! A harem I worked hard to gain. Killing her will destroy my dream! Are you really going to do that?”

Best Friend hugs me. “I’m so sorry.” His voice is stifled with misery.

My hair lifts her up. “You! You made him cry! What the hell are you going to do about that? Better have a good answer. Cuz my hair is about to bust your skull open!”

“It’s hard for me to control myself. I wasn’t thinking.”

I slam her to the ground. “He’s hurting! Stop with the excuses!”

“Don’t hurt me anymore. It will turn out like it did the last time.”

“What are you talking about? What happened last time?”

Harem D grabs her head. “Ugh. Why can’t I remember? What’s wrong with me?”

Best Friend puts a hand on my shoulder. “Let’s go.”

I nod and we walk off together.

“I’ve failed you. I’m no longer worthy of being your friend.” He holds himself, trembling.

I slug his shoulder and smirk. “Dude, even if you murdered like a whole brothel of gorgeous women, you’d still be my buddy. Nothing you do wrong could ever make me forget all we’ve been through. You should get some rest.”

“Main, there’s something you should know. Glasses Kid is dangerous.”

“Are you saying he’s an enemy?”

“I honestly don’t know what he is.”

“I have something to tell you too. There’s a spy in my harem. I’ve been trying to track her down.”

“Such focus even now.”

“Yeah. You want to make up for almost killing D, then talk down to me.”

“I…I can’t do that.”

“Yes, you can. I know you’re upset with me! Let it out! It’s your punishment, it’s for the sake of our friendship and I need it to find out what Glasses Kid is doing.”

Best Friend nods. “At times you let mundane desires blind you from what truly matters. You often act…selfishly and…” He cringes.

I nod.

“And…you don’t understand your responsibility. Despite the fanfare, you’re no hero…not yet. You’re just a scared child…and I’m your guide who has failed you.”

“We’ve both failed each other. But that forced drama mini-arc is over. After this, our bond will be stronger than ever.” I close my eyes and release my point of view.