So, this must be my rival. I assume the title is talking about him. But seriously, who is this jerk? Is he really Best Friend’s father? Come to think of it, didn’t Glasses Kid say Best Friend was my brother? I’m thinking too much, time to start the opening.

“I look into the sunlight…blah, blah, blah. Is this supposed to pump up your fictitious audience? Or is it just supposed to give your ego a massage?” asks Rival, destroying my opening song. “Also, you can’t do your opening after the commercial break, moron.”

Openings aren’t just confetti, they power up the audience and without fans a hero is weak. I skipped the opening this episode because I didn’t expect to have to fight anyone. Damn it, I have to do an unnecessary prequel before it’s too late.

“Let me do it for you. Last time on Main Character: I’m so great! Everybody cheered for me. I got a group of women to follow me because…go me! Then this guy shows up and he’s my biggest fan. And I have to fight the loser so he’ll finally leave me alone. There, I can do it too!” exclaims Rival with a hint of repressed anger.

Can he read my mind? Gotta find out how he’s doing this.

“I was mistaken. He’s not my father,” says Best Friend, folding his hands behind his head.

“What!? Why did you even say it in the first place!? It was so dramatic!? I had already formed twenty possible scenarios explaining your father’s reappearance!” yells Glasses Kid.

“What did you do to Stalker?” I ask Rival, right up in his face.

He looks at her limp body on his shoulders and smiles. “I did your job for you, dumbass. If I hadn’t shown up and saved her, she would have died. Really great hero you are.” Rival pushed me back with his finger.

Wait. But I had time. Didn’t I? Why would Flam start the execution without waiting for me? We’re going to have a talk about this when he next pops in my head.

“Don’t you dare speak to Main that way,” says Best Friend, stepping up to him.

“Do you even know who I am?” asks Rival.

Best Friend nods. “You’re dead.” He slices his arm and forms a blade in the same motion, cleaving through Rival’s chest.

The crazy man is unaffected somehow. His bandaged hand, which has Kiishin eyes all over it, lifts up my Best Friend.

“Let him go!” I yell.

“Why? You wanted a captive to rescue. I’m giving you another chance. Fail this time and someone will die,” says Rival, smashing his head into my Best Friend’s face.

My hair shot out in a violet furry, but Rival dodged the onslaught.

“I have the training of a thousand soldiers. I have the experience of a hero. All you have is selfish desires and a friend you don’t deserve.” He throws Best Friend into me and then grabs his foot with his hair.

Rival’s hair moves like a whip, pummeling me with Best Friend’s body.

Damn it! Getting pounded by Best Friend was supposed to be a touching moment. How dare this bastard perverse that!

I am suddenly lifted into the air by his extended hair.

Best Friend gets up in a daze.

“Hey, Brawny Babe. Get Best Friend and Glasses Kid out of here. I can handle this guy,” I say with an upside-down thumbs up.

Does that make it a thumbs down?

Brawny Babe obeys, hoisting up my resistant best bud and fleeing the area.

“Hey, hero, need some help?” asks Harem D.

“I just need you all to cheer me on from the sidelines. Do any of you have cheerleader outfits?” I ask.

Harem D’s forehead pulses with anger. “Ugh! Forget I even asked. Let’s go girls. The fruit stand is having a special discount!”

“Oooh bananas!” cheers Harem A, rushing ahead.

The rest of Harem follow.

I turn back to Rival. “Hey man, thanks for not attacking me during that.”

“I’m trying. Why do you have to be so mean? I love you,” he says, in a sitting fetal pose.

What is up with this guy?

“Hey! You shut up!” yells Rival, pointing at me.

“I’m talking to you!”

Rival looks up at me. “What do you want?”

“I want an explanation.”

“So, do I! You stole my power! Not cool dude!” I yell.

Rival lifts up Stalker’s sleeping face. “Why did she almost die? Do you have any idea how important she is?” Tears rush down his face.

“It was all part of my awesome plan!” My hair goes down my back and secretly unfastens his hair from my leg. I land on my feet. “I was going to wait till the last minute to save her. I had it all planned out.” I rush up to him. “I’d finally release my Bankai and defeat Flamboyant Villain!” I exclaim furiously, clumping my hair together in a massive fist.

“You’re a real piece of shit! You even make me feel like a nice guy. You can’t even pretend to have gratitude!?” exclaims Rival, sliding to dodge my fist attack.

“Why was her execution pushed up? What happened?” I ask in frustration.

“Oopsie. Sorry about that Main,” says a voice in my head.

Ugh. It’s Flam.

“Why didn’t you wait for me!?” I yell at myself, well kinda.

Flam does that annoying foppish laugh. “Oh, she was being a bad girl so I had to move up her little death party! I would have told you, but I knew you couldn’t make it in time. I didn’t want to make you have to reschedule your appointment either. So, I just went ahead and had the execution.”

“How is that ok? That thin line of trust we built, you just destroyed it! You even let someone else save her and get the glory!” I yell, pointing at Rival.

“Oh why bother whining about the past. If you could be a dear and return her to my castle, I should be able to continue with the execution. Oh, and if you still want, you can make an appointment to rescue her. That is, if it’s not too much trouble. Well, toodles, I’ll see you then,” says Flam, talking telepathically to me.

“Shut up! I can handle him! Let me do this!” yells Rival, clawing at his forehead.

Brawny Babe gets a big smile. “Not only one with shadow friend.” She waves at her shadow who waves back of course.

“Why are you here? Get to safety?”

“Release friend,” says Brawny Babe, aiming at Rival.

“Get out of here! No, Flam, I’m not talking to you!” I yell.

“What is wrong?” asks Brawny Babe, gesturing to me while keeping her arrow poised at Rival.

“Oh, he didn’t tell you, did he? He got the kiss of love, am I right?” asks Rival childishly puckering his lips.

This guy really needs to just shut the hell up!

Brawny Babe’s eyes go wide.

Rival rushes toward her.

She fires but it misses.

Best Friends jumps off from her back and lands in front of Rival. “Are you quite done? Why did you come here? What do you want?” he asks, pressing his blood sword up to Rival’s neck.

“Go ahead and cut. It won’t do anything,” says Rival with a lax smile.

If you spot this story on Amazon, know that it has been stolen. Report the violation.

“What do you want?” asks Best Friend, pointing the sword at Rival’s forehead.

“Whoa man! I was bored is all. All I want is a little excitement.” He looks up at me. “I do have to thank you for losing track of this little girl here. What’s her name again?” He trips Best Friend grabs the back of his head and slams his face to the ground.

Don’t you dare hurt him! “Her name is Stalker!” I yell furiously.

“Whoa, chill. Well, Stalker here is quite the catch. My catch that is. There’s just something about her lips that’s so…,” says Rival before he moves his vile mouth to hers.

My hair shot out on impulse, socking him in the face.

“Oh, did I hit a soft spot. Don’t tell me, is she your girlfriend? Well, newsflash, bud. The hero always gets the girl. And I’m the one who saved her. So, this little treat is all mine,” he says, licking her lips.

I go to punch him again, but something stops me. Old Dude got right in the way, almost getting pummeled by my awesome hair.

“Main, leave. You don’t stand a chance against him,” says Old Dude with a grave tone.

“You made me the hero and now you want me to run? No way. I’m going to kick this guy’s ass and make Stalker my…,” I say before stopping.

“Your what? Here I thought you two were already an item. She was out cold before I even rescued her. If you beat me up and take her, you may even be able to fool her into thinking you saved her,” teases Rival.

That is an excellent idea!

I look down at Best Friend. “Do you trust me to handle this.”

He gives me a bloody smile. “Show him who the real hero is.”

“Alright! I point at Rival. I’m taking her back, you son of a bitch!” I yelled.

“Hey, don’t bring Mamma into this. My mamma is probably a hard-working woman. She had to abandon me! She must have had no choice. She still loved me. She still does!” yelled Rival, grabbing his head in pain.

Oh, did I hit a soft spot? Heh, how does it feel jackass?

“Main, if you fight him, you will die,” says Old Dude, shaking his head with disapproval.

“Have a little faith. I’m not the same harem-less man I was a few minutes ago. I can take him,” I say, acting a little more confident than I was.

“That man you’re fighting…he’s The Hero of Legendary Legends: The Legend! Why has he forsaken us!” wails Old Dude, creating a protective shield around us with the reverberations of his wrinkles.

“One cannot forsake a doomed people! And my mother never forsook me! She loved me!” yells Rival tearing at his face with his bandaged hand.

His hair shot out wildly, drilling through Old Dude’s shield.

“I’m the luckiest hero! That’s what you told me! Seven sevens, right? My friends called me Jackpot! Luck is just a lie!” yells Rival, smashing through Old Dude’s shield.

“Evacuate the people. I don’t want any obstacles getting in my way. Best Friend, take our allies to a safe place. I’ll be back for lunch,” I say resolutely.

“You want to fight him alone? You sure?”

“Yeah. I didn’t save her. So, I should at least beat the shit out of the guy who did!”

“Main, I’ll be waiting for you,” says Harem in unison.

“Enough talk. Destroy him! I don’t like anyone that looks like my Father,” says Best Friend, walking off.

He’s still on about that?

“You’re really going through with this? Everyone, leave the premises. I’ll go dig your grave. I had hoped the last one would truly have been the last,” says Old Dude with actual tears in his eyes.

The audience fled in a surprisingly orderly panic.

It was just me and him now. Oh, and Stalker.

“The winner gets the trophy k? This delectable little grape is going to be mine. And if she’s mine, she’ll never see the light of day again. She’ll be in her own little dream world. She’ll be sleeping with you in her dreams while I’m savoring her in reality.” His fingers crawl up her sides. “We’ll both pleasure her in such an innovative and dynamic way. Who needs friendship when you have a stress doll! Now bring it, hero! If you want the hero’s seal of approval, you’ll have to get it from me!” exclaims Rival, tossing Stalker aside. He raises his hands and a predator drone rises out from the bleachers.

And me without my gun.

Runt comes up to me and hands me Friendship. He then rushes off back to his seat to watch the battle.

“Bring it on, bastard!” yells Friendship. “Together we’re going to rip you a new one!”

Geez, kinda stole my thunder.

“Meet Acquaintanceship!” exclaims Rival, gesturing to his predator drone.

The predator drone was sleek, black and had a friendly blue digital emoji face. It had two turrets at its sides and was holding large black rockets. Oh, and there was a camera for peeping too.

“How did you get one of those things? Are you from the future?” I ask him.

“Came from the same place as that discarded trash,” says Rival, sticking his tongue out.

Friendship fires on impulse.

Rival takes the blast head on but doesn’t budge. The smoke clears. He didn’t have a scratch on him. He then grabbed his chest in pain.

What is going on?

“There’s no way? How could you be so powerful, hero?” asks Rival, coughing up a wad of nothing.

“That’s my power you !@#*ing @$$bag!” yells Friendship furiously, firing another round.

Direct hit. We got him. So why am I trembling?

“Well Main. I have to admit you’re stronger than I expected. But no matter; my incredible hair will still kick your ass!” Rival rushes up. His hair slams into me as fast as machine gun fire.

Damn it, I can’t die here. Can I? Please tell me I can’t!

I aim Friendship at him and fire while my body is being barraged.

Rival fell backwards, screaming in agony.

“How!? You should be weak!” exclaims Rival, wiping his mouth as if there was blood on it. He then grabs my face and slams me to the ground.

This bastard is toying with me. None of my attacks have done any damage to him. There’s nothing that pisses me off more than an arrogant jerk.

I get up from the ground, using Friendship as leverage. I cough up some blood.

“You’re not going to give up, are you? I can’t believe you’re even alive right now. Acquaintanceship, finish him off!” yells Rival.

His superior weapon was floating in front of me, loading up a round of rockets.

Was this really the end? I never played naked leap frog with Best Friend. I never went on a purely platonic date with Stalker Girl. I didn’t even get laid by my harem yet. Wait a minute…that’s it!

I stand proud, ready for anything.

“That confident look in your eyes is so damn nostalgic! I hate it! I swear I’m going to rip out those lying eyes! Acquaintanceship, what is taking so damn long?” asks Rival furiously.

“Not sure if I feel like killing him,” says Acquaintanceship in a monotone voice.

“Fine. Do what you want. It’s not like you have to help. It’s just a request is all,” says Rival, muttering sadly.

“Hey, Rival! When you were a hero, did you ever have a harem? Did you star as a coach or a player in a sports team? Did you ever randomly do trivial things with a group of somewhat zany characters? Are you a moralistic member of an assassin group? Are you a freelance detective, looking for his big break?” I ask critically.

“No! But you didn’t either! What’s your damned point?” asks Rival, fuming.

“I have a harem now!” I exclaim proudly.

“I’ve had enough of him! Acquaintanceship, finish him off if you want!” yells Rival.

“Eh, why not,” says the drone.

The missiles disengaged. “Life is short.” “Time to die.” The missiles speak in happy childish voices and have smiley emojis on them.

My hair wrapped around my arms, awakening a new power. I caught each missile and flung it into the air. I was now juggling eight missiles.

How the hell am I doing this?

“My Life has been prolonged for the moment. I didn’t die immediately.” Chimed the estatic explosives missiles.

Jeez morbid little guys, aren’t they?

Runt leaps from his seat and starts clapping uncontrollably.

Don’t be so modest, I got the idea from you, Runt.

“Impossible! How are you able to do that!?” asks Rival, tripping on his own disbelief.

“I already told you, I have a harem! Why did you think I was so bent on getting a harem in the first place?” I ask him inquisitively.

“Isn’t it because you’re a teenager going through puberty? You’re just lonely, right?” asks Rival, trembling before me.

“No. you fool! I’m never alone as long as Best Friend shares a futon with me. Don’t you get it? Now that I have a harem, I have become the main character of another genre. And with this new Main Character status I have unlocked one of its many abilities. A harem anime star must be able to juggle multiple girls. I gained this power the second I got my harem. I can now juggle anything!” I yell, tossing the rockets back at him.

The rockets slam into Rival, launching him in the air before exploding into the bleachers.

“It’s time to finish you off! Hair Uppercut!” I yell as I ran up to him.

My hair wraps around my right arm, giving it super strength. I leap into the air before slamming my fist into Rival’s chest. He didn’t budge, but he screamed in remarkable pain. He then fell to the ground, completely unharmed.

I hate this guy.

“I’m impressed. I didn’t expect you’d actually beat me. I lost. I can’t believe I lost to you. Mark my rage, Main. I will fight you again! And I will kill you!” he yells, pointing at me with great fury.

This guy really needs friends.

I walk up to him and help him to his feet. I’m suddenly attacked from behind. I’m knocked off my feet, being ambushed from all sides.

They were watching me, the whole time.

“Boom! Boom! Bam! You rock Main!” cheers Harem A, using my arm like an exercise pole to do pull ups.

“I’m going to let you live this time. But only because watching you has made me incredibly flushed,” says Harem B, her fingers crawling up her body like spiders.

“You kicked his butt, now my butt is uhmm,” says Harem C, holding her cheeks and wobbling.

“Friendship is wow. My heart is having a category six earthquake,” says Harem H, writhing on the ground in admiration.

“You idiot, you could have gotten killed!” yells Harem D as she repeatedly kicked me.

I sob until a puddle is beneath me.

I love my harem.

“Your bonds have given you great power. I know just how I’ll destroy you. Be careful Main; you can’t trust anyone at The Village Of Doomed. Look both ways when crossing the street. Tread lightly on rickety bridges. Don’t make bonds you aren’t prepared to lose. And above all else, follow your own path. I know I lost, but can you grant me one request?” asks Rival, looking up at me.

I escape the harem dog pile and stand valiantly. “If I am to grant you this request, then you’ll have to assist me when I need your help. Just one time...fair enough?” I ask.

Oh yeah. Contingency plan for the win!

“Alright, just let me wave hi to Stalker and it’s a deal. She’s waking up right now,” says Rival, walking up to her.

Huh? Is this dude serious?

Stalker yawns like a twilight princess as she stretches, proving that she was still adorable. Her eyes slowly open, looking up at Rival.

“Main…is that you?” asks Stalker.

“Nope, sorry little lady, the name’s Rival. It’s a pleasure to meet your acquaintance,” he says, giving that cool two finger salute only badasses do, before walking off. He then grabs onto Acquaintanceship and they flew off.

Stalker got up and ran to me. She hugs me as tears pour down her cheeks.

“Main, you saved me,” says Stalker, trembling with gratitude.

Good. I can still steal all the credit.

“Of course I did. I pinky promised, didn’t I?” I ask, while turning away dramatically.

Actually, the pinky promise was directed at Flam, but she doesn’t need to know that. She also doesn’t need to know that it was Rival who saved her.

“Thanks, Main. You’re my hero,” says Stalker, pulling back to wipe her eyes every time she opened her arms to hug me.

I hoist her up and hug her. “And you’re my heroine.”

Stalker leans in and then she gives me a sweet kiss on the cheek.

Oooh, yes! It’s time! I’m going to ask her to be my friend.

Oh, the episode is up.

Alright, that was totally awesome. I totally kicked his ass. Though that bastard didn’t have a scratch on him . Oh well, no probs. I still won. Alright, time for the ending song.

What the hell is this? It’s just a fancy slideshow of Rival kicking my ass! This ending is bullshit! I beat Rival, so why is he still in control. Whatever, that’s the end of it. Alright, next week I’m finally going to ask Stalker to be my friend. Be prepared for a melodramatic adventure!