Episode 13: Part 3

The kiss between the hero and his love interest, who according to my Shounen anime data base is always a member of the opposite sex, is a moment that only comes at the end. Oftentimes hundreds of episodes pass, filled with only bickering sprinkled with sexual tension or perhaps a budding friendship that blossoms only at the climax. As his lips touched mine I was of course in bliss, but I also realized that this could be a sign of the end times. It’s even more ominous considering that the narrative phantom that compels writers to kill their gays is still cursing our stories. Okay honestly all this is written in hindsight. My only actual thoughts on the moment are as follows: Is he kissing me? Oh my god I feel his lips. He really is. They are so soft and cold but yet they warm my whole body. Does he love me? He has to, right? He even said I love you. He isn’t making some quote to calm me down. There’s no reason for this kiss other than me seizing his heart with my charisma.

The kiss abruptly ends and he looks at me solemnly.

“You…didn’t kiss back.” His eyes look dead.

I was just so shocked I didn’t have time. Plus what would he think? Would we stay friends? Would romance ruin our relationship like it did for Kora and Mayko? And…let’s be honest…my readers wouldn’t want that. Noruto and Sasuuke didn’t raise Baruto together. If they did, then everyone would complain. There’s no place in mainstream Shounen for a protagonist in a homosexual relationship. Lucy went from bi to straight by some unseen force. My feelings for my Best Friend could never be accepted by my fans. It’s hopeless.

“Tears…” Best Friend gazes into me. “Was it so horrible?”

No! It was wonderful! I have to say something. He needs to know my true feelings. But I’m so scared…who would accept me? Would he even accept me?

“Kiss again! That was adorable,” says Poppy, floating above us.

“His feelings aren’t something for you to fetishize you flying fujoshi!” My hair punches the bird out of the sky.

Best Friend points a row of blood swords at the downed bird angel. “We need your healing saliva now.”

“Hot!” exclaims the bird with wide eyes, drooling.

Best Friend catches the angel’s drool in a bottle and tosses it to me. “It would mean more to her coming from you. Save her…be her hero.” He clenches his chest.

Poppy flies off, likely to save more villagers.

I take a step toward him and try to tell him my feelings, but either a homophobic god or forced dramatic writing makes me unable to speak.

Honestly…I’m terrified. Can a hero love his best friend? Is that…okay?

Best Friend wipes my eyes and hands me a mem shroom. “Go ahead. Eat it. Forget about what we did. I’m sorry…I was just so overwhelmed and you…gave me hope again. I shouldn’t have done that.”

I try to will my body to move but it won’t.

“Now now, hero,” says the voice of Flam in my head. “You’re already taken. Oh, you never told him about us, did you?”

“Shut up!” I yell, grabbing my head.

“I hope you’ll forgive me.” Best Friend shoves the mushroom in my mouth.

My mind goes wavy.

“Main! Give the fluid to Stalker. Be her hero!” he exclaims.

Maybe if I make him proud he’ll suddenly swoop me up in his arms and plant a kiss upon my lips. Ugh. Too bad my life isn’t like Ootena. I’m no princess. But I would be for him.

“Go to her!”

It’s my fault she’s dying. I can’t fail her. No. She’s already dead, isn’t she? I already failed. I’m no hero. I’m just an egotistical prick.

I awake, screaming in pain. The blonde little gremlin is on my belly and her hands are glowing with electricity.

“Mwahahaha! The deity giveth life to you. Now my logos are your dharma!”

I shove her off. “I don’t think so.”

Dere Dere grabs onto my furry legs. “Why not, punchy kitty?”

“We gotta get moving.” I look at my fingers.

My claws feel sharper than before but they look the same.

I lift my shirt. The white threads that held me together are gone.

That angel fully healed me. How powerful is she to mend plot threads? Then again, how powerful is Flam to be able to revive me? Urgh, focus Tommy! Gotta get to Sunny Village, that’s where Tsundy is leading the team.

I look at Dere Dere and shake my head.

She gasps. “What part of perfection displeases you?”

“I’m not displeased. I just don’t really think you’re a god. That RiftRipper can travel to places in an instant. Can you do that?”

Dere Dere glows and then appears on my shoulders. “You’d be wise not to underestimate me?”

“Well, can you do it? Can you bring me to Sunny Village?”

“This deity cannot be tricked. I will only help you if you vow to follow my wishes for the rest of eternity!” she makes an infinity sign in the air with her electrically charged fingers.

“One favor, take it or leave it?”

She leans over and squeezes my breasts. “Hmm, bouncy. The deity accepts!”

The entire forest seemingly folds in itself, or at least that’s how it looks when we travel through it. Five seconds pass before we arrive at the front of the village. There’s a man at the front, arguing with himself and even hitting himself.

“Rival, have you seen Stalker?” I ask, grabbing his shirt collar.

“Why would I say anything to a CatBoy general?” he asks with a deranged look and twitchy eye.

Dere Dere pokes him. “Answer and I will permit you to pat my head.”

“Stalker and Best Friend went inside to save Main from a fatal stab wound. If he happens to die though, then he’s not worth saving so no worries.”

Dere Dere looks up at him and nods. “Very well. You may proceed.”

Rival gives her head pats when I spot something on him.

Stalker’s Journal.

“Hey, I’ll um, let you pet me if you let me take a look at that book,” I say.

“I don’t want anything from a CatBoy General. You want it, then take it from me?”

I need to know! That book holds the answers!

My claws suddenly glow black with energy. I swipe my paw and the book is in my hand.

“Did you just scratch space? Holy shit? You’re freaking Okoyasu!” he exclaims, still patting Dere Dere. “Tell you what, you take the blame for stealing it and it’s all yours. No way am I risking a bonding session with Stalker after she finds out why I took the journal.”

Does he want it for the same reason that Shadow Truth does?

I skim through the pages and read the parts I was searching for.

Nothing…it doesn’t say why. It must have been more than a mere job. My brothers couldn’t have been slaughtered for something so simple.

Rival crouches down to Dere Dere. “Hey, I think you ought to calm that kitty. She looks disturbed. I’m staying here, just out of friend zone range.”

I’m suddenly zapped and I drop the book.

“Only the great deity is worthy of knowing such secrets!” She picks up the journal and zooms off.

The story has been illicitly taken; should you find it on Amazon, report the infringement.

I approach Rival. “I need that book! Help me get it back from her!”

“Help is something friends give each other! I’m not your damn friend, you sick murderer!”

I don’t have the patience for his pity party.

I punch his stomach but he doesn’t budge.

“That is the fire of revenge. Who do you want dead?” he asks, smiling at me with a crazed grin.

“Assailant. He dies tonight or you die now.”

“Not him. He has the answers. I need to talk to him. I’ll get the journal, you track him down. Don’t kill him till he tells me everything.”

“Deal! Now let’s go!”

“So, you’re their little sister. The leaders of Hero’s Militia’s little sister became a CatBoy general.”

I glare daggers at him.

“I’m not an idiot!” he yells, grabbing his head and screaming. “He’ll talk to me. Assailant will tell me everything when he’s desperate.”

I pull him back to his feet. “Fruity could read what happened with Assailant in an instant. She’s captured by another RiftRipper. We need to take him down too? Are you up for it?”

Rival opens his shirt, revealing a gruesome image. “They don’t call me the Hero with a Thousand Faces for nothing.”

His whole body cackles.

I cough as I wake up. The world is black and white. I see him, my hero, standing above me. “Where…is the color?” I ask weakly.

“Oh shit. She’s been so hurt so bad she thinks she’s in a manga!” yells my hero.

White Knight stands tall and proud. “I didn’t just protect a girl. In her near death she has become color blind. She now teeters on the edge of a true handicap!” He looks at her, his eyes glowing pink. “One day you’re going to blossom into a gorgeous independent woman and willingly surrender that body to me in overflowing gratitude!” He pelvic thrusts the air.

Ugh…this guy. I had hoped I’d never see him again.

Main’s hair picks him up and moves him about ten feet away from me. “Ignore him. Are you alright?”

“What happened to me?” I ask, wiping my eyes.

Nope. Still no color.

“You were attacked by a crazed side character. They wanted to be the heroine and were willing to kill you get your job. A real life Don Patchinko desperate to be an angel!”

He’s so cute. But I really don’t remember what happened. Is he keeping something hurtful from me?

“White Knight, where did the attacker go?”

“Well, he ran off in fear of course. Once he realized that each thread in my flag cape of social justice was a gift from a citizen I saved, he knew he stood no chance.”

“Got it, so someone else must be fighting him now.”

Daddy!

“Main…I think it’s…”

“Yeah, Assailant. I can kinda hear your thoughts. I passed on POV and you picked it up so don’t think anything wierd.”

Oh my. Then you know I wanna ride you till your big snake snaps in two?

The look of fear and embarrassment on his chiseled face let me know he can indeed hear my thoughts.

He takes a step toward me.

“Oh my did that excite you?” I giggle.

“I meant to take a step back, but being a side character means I’m stuck with tank controls. Not that I hate the classics or anything but I prefer my first person dual analog control honestly. Okay, seriously though…being a side character is terrible! Having to move your body using someone else’s eyes as a focal point. I don’t know how you fight like this.”

Is he being serious?

He picks me up off the ground but almost falls over.

“Main, I see from my eyes. Everyone does.” I lift my skirt and flash him my panties.

“Yeah, I literally saw nothing.”

Oooh, I know.

I stick my finger in my undies, get it wet and then pull it out and lick. “How do I taste?”

Yes! I’m back in control just in time to not taste something super weird!

“Thanks, Runt, for singing that song for me.”

“No problem! You’re the best!” he cheers, jumping into a hug with me.

“Hey, how come I couldn’t see you when I lost POV?”

“Maybe cuz you weren’t believing. I dunno.”

“Geez, you aren’t Pixiebell.” I ruffle his hair.

“Ummm, you’re still moving kinda weird. Is that a ghost your patting?”

Runt hides behind me.

“No. That’s Runt. You should rest your eyes okay.”

“Okay, Master!” Stalker giggles.

“White Knight, keep her safe okay.”

He bows. “I won’t lay a finger on her until she blossoms into an eighteen-year old.”

“See, I’m not the only one.”

“Yeah, but I’m way older than eighteen,” she smiles at me mischievously.

“Can you help me save these people? Hold up, where did the General go?” I ask, turning to White Knight.

“He suddenly vanished and a blind man walked out of here, escorted by me, of course.” White Knights poses with pride.

Ugh. This guy is such an idiot.

“I’ll be back in just a bit.” I turn away.

Stalker grabs my hand. “I’m coming with you. I’m gonna help too. I won’t let this place burn down a second time!”

We join forces and take down every CatBoy we come across.

“Damn it. Fighting generic looking minions to save generic looking villagers. This isn’t how I saw my finale going!” I yell, holding my forehead as my hair fist pummels a group of enemy soldiers.

“Oh, it’s the season finale already!” Stalker jumps for joy.

“Yeah and no guarantee for renewal yet. Gotta make things extra showy.”

I expected Flam to show up so that the season would end on the high note of me kicking his ass.

“Then let me get hurt. No way am I allowing big brother to take another hit,” she says, running toward a gathering of twelve CatBoy soldiers.

No! Never again am I letting her be in danger. I will protect her. Best Friend’s heart will tremble at my heroism.

My hair grabs some burning rubble and slams it into the soldiers, possibly killing them.

But no confirmed kills so don’t expect a dark character arc from me.

“You seem on edge.” Stalker looks up at me.

“I’m fine. Just protecting my ally is all.” My hair picks up one of the CatBoys and bludgeons one into the ground with his body.

Stalker flies up and pinches my cheeks. “Relax, if my life is in danger, then you might get a new power.” She pokes my nose.

“Legendary angel here! Come and get her!” I holler, lifting up Stalker.

This isn’t just about making my Best Friend lust for me anymore. I think I…really want to keep her safe.

“I’m over here!” yells Glasses Kid, getting the enemies attention.

He walks toward the CatBoys with his eyes closed.

TomCat rushes in front of him, taking several arrows in his stead before blasting away the soldiers with a powerful punch.

Glasses Kid peeks up and pats her butt. “Thanks for protecting me. I don’t know what would happen to your friend if you hadn’t.” He lifts his shirt and shows the purple mark where the Lovu Leechi resides.

TomCat growls at him but continues to fight. Her eyes suddenly widen when she notices two shadows fighting on the rooftop.

“Is that Assailant?” I ask her.

She clenches her fist till it bleeds. “Get me Stalker’s Journal and I’ll date you, got it.”

“Heh. Who said I wanted to date you?” I ask nonchalantly while bouncing in excitement.

“Fruity is in danger! Dere Dere has the journal. Find her and get it back for me or I’ll break your arms!” she twists my arm behind my back.

Now that’s more of the response I was hoping for.

“Hey!” Hollers Glasses Kid. “I think my leg is broken. Won’t you carry me, kitty?”

TomCat closes her eyes and clenches her fist. “She doesn’t even remember me. Why should I care.” She goes up to Glasses Kid and kicks him.

He yells and grabs his stomach.

“Go ahead and die. You already killed her.” Tears stream down her cheeks. She then rushes off to engage the two RiftRippers.

Well I’m not letting either of them die.

I sock an incoming soldier in the face with my hair and then pick up Glasses Kid with it.

“Get him to safety. I’ll create a distraction,” says Stalker, her hands gathering energy.

“Didn’t you hear me? I’m not leaving anyone behind!” I exclaim heroically.

Stalker squeals in delight. “Thanks Main! That means a lot to me. But I’m not giving myself up as bait.” The light between her hands becomes more concentrated.

Light shoots out from Stalker’s palm like a massive beam. She blinds all the oncoming cat boys and luckily wasn’t facing us.

Wow! It’s like a solar flare! So epic!

I notice a shadow gliding across the ground toward her. On the rooftops TomCat is fighting a RiftRipper so chances are this shadow is Assailant. But what if I’m wrong. If Sickle is trying to finish the job then I have to stop him.

“Watch out!” I yell.

Stalker looks at me curiously.

I can’t reach her in time. Got to find some way of rescuing her.

As long as I use Mascot as a plot device, I can still get credit for this rescue. Time to gain some hero points!

My hair reaches into the infinity satchel.

Sickle rises behind Stalker. “This world is a nightmare. The only way the sun will ever shine again is if all the nasty figments are sliced to pieces!”

“Sickle! Wait…you’re the one who hurt me. But we’re friends. You were so nice to me.” Stalker takes a step back.

Damn it! How is this tiny bag so damn deep!? The Whoradram have turned on me.

Sickle’s scythes remove her legs. “This world is a tragic place. It should be cut to ribbons so that it can be put back together as a pretty collage.” He hoisted up her body with a tendril.

“Who did this to you?”

“This twisted world broke me, but one man made me see the tragic truth. He’ll be here any moment.” His blades slice her cheeks.

Blood drips down her face as she cries.

Red roses suddenly burst around the area. A detestable man with a living scarf struts out of the pink fumes from the beauty bombs.

Bought damn time he showed up. And just in time.

“Chaos Control!” I yell as I pull out Mascot.

All the CatBoys freeze. Even Flam can’t move. Sickle’s blades go limp.

The floating chimera is upside down, sleeping with his starry eyes shut and making the cutest sound possible.

I grip my chest.

Damn it. I may have just killed us all.

“There you are!” Yandy rushes at Mascot, with her tongue out and her body arched.

A line of blood shurikens hit her legs and she tumbles over.

Flam looks over at her. “I want my beloved creation returned to me. Get up and fulfill my wishes!”

“Yes, Master,” says Yandy in terror, rising up on shaky legs.

She was the traitor!? Too obvious! I demand a less predictable plot twist.

Best Friend stands in her path. His blood becomes like a whip and smacks her weapon from her hand. He then turns the blood on her legs into chains.

Sooo sexy! Blood bondage, hell yes! Sign me up!

Best Friend steps up to Mascot.

Wait. Wasn’t he affected before?

“You poor, miserable creature.” He places his hand on Mascot and then creates a blade of blood. He looks at Glasses Kid who is snickering.

“Sorry. Just wanted to see how long I could hold still. I’m not affected…and neither are you,” he looks at Best Friend curiously.

“I hope you will succeed where I have failed.” Best Friend’s blood blade hand comes down.

The infinity satchel falls to the floor, along with Glasses Kid’s hand.

Wow. Okay this is a uhh…unpredictable twist. Umm…what is going on exactly?

Best Friend kicks off the hand and grabs the satchel. “I failed in my mission.” He approaches Flamboyant Villain. He shoves Mascot in the bag. “But I did retrieve the deserter.”

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON!? Did Rian Johnstoned hijack my script?

Flam looks at Best Friend with a look of utter shock.

Even he doesn’t know what is happening. Wait. Of course. Best Friend is just closing in for the kill. I just gotta play along.

“How could you betray me!?” I yell with fake tears.

“I failed you. But my allegiance was never yours.” He gets down on his knee and kisses Flam’s hand.

Flam then starts giggling. “Sorry! I can’t pretend to be surprised anymore. You tried to find me a worthy vessel, but he’s just no good. Kill Main and let’s figure out what orphan you should raise for me next.”

This isn’t some Best Flam fanfic lemon. This is real.

Best Friend comes to me with blood blades in hand. “I really wanted you to succeed. Such a bloody shame.”

“Was that a pun?” asks Yandy. “Your puns are always so dark and funny.”

“Best Friend hates puns and he loves me!”

“Make it messy, bro. Then I’ll wash you off in the tub later!” Yandy smiles sweetly.

Bro? He’s her brother?

“I won’t keep you waiting, sis.” He tosses a blood shuriken at my forehead.

My hair shields my face. When it parts I see his eyes. He’s staring at me, but there’s no love. There’s not even hate. Just disappointment.

My Best Friend wants to kill me.